Chapter Text
ACT 1 SCENE 1
THE FORUM, 404 BCE
[A standard funeral layout in a Forum. A coffin rests at one end of the stage, with a SPEAKER stood on a plinth next to it. There’s a few people gathered - maybe less than you’d expect for such an important figure. Two figures, an ATHENIAN and TISSAPHERNES (a Persian, in a tunic and loose trousers with purple accents), look at each other in disgust. HIPPARETE, Alcibiades’ wife (in a purple dress) is sobbing quietly into a napkin. The others, including SOCRATES (in a toga with red accents) are solemn. The SPEAKER clears his throat.]
SPEAKER
Thank you, thank you. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Alcibiades. He was the last of the Alcmaeonidae, a noble family of Athens descended from Nestor himself. Alcibiades, ward of Pericles, followed in his father's footsteps. He was a brilliant general, a genius politician, and an… [hesitates] …extraordinary man.
ATHENIAN
He was a bastard!
SPEAKER
Silence! There will be order in the Forum. [After a pause] Thank you. Alcibiades passed at the age of 47, in Phrygia, having accomplished much in his relatively short career. His bravery fighting for and working in Athens during both Peloponnesian Wars is well remembered, as well as… [The SPEAKER looks at his script in confusion.] [muttering] No, that can’t be right.
[The SPEAKER turns to someone offstage, having an indistinct whispered conversation. After a moment, the SPEAKER turns back and clears his throat.]
-Ahem, excuse me. I suppose that explains the, ah, variety of people here. Does anybody have memories, personal stories, to tell us about the deceased?
[SOCRATES raises his hand]
SPEAKER
[Surprised and somewhat awed] S-Socrates?
SOCRATES
Yes, if I may… I'd like to tell you all about Alcibiades' youth.
[SOCRATES walks up to the podium, looking over the gathered and the audience with a sort of weary wisdom.]
I tutored Alcibiades when he was a boy. He was an extraordinary man. Intelligent… although some might say he misused his intelligence. Beautiful… although he seems to have misused that as well! [He laughs.] But I digress. I remember his time in Athens quite clearly, but anything past that would just be conjecture.
SPEAKER
[Hoping at least somebody can give him a story] Do you have any specific stories?
SOCRATES
Oh, certainly. [Laughs] I’ve got plenty of stories. Not all of them are appropriate for a funeral. Would you like to hear some of them?
SPEAKER
Certainly.
SOCRATES
Right. Let me go back to before Alcibiades was a general…
[end scene]
-
ACT 1 SCENE 2
POTIDAEA’S CITY WALLS - DAY
[Chaos. The battle for Potidaea, a tribute-paying member of Athens’ Delian League but a colony of their enemy, Corinth, is fully underway. Everyone is fighting everyone, and it’s hard to tell what’s going on or who’s on what side. Potidaea’s city walls - what this whole battle was over in the first place - loom ominously in the distance, half-destroyed by the Athenian force. The Corinthians are putting up a good fight, and general Aristeus has managed to defeat a section of the Athenian army, but ultimately they will lose and the city will fall to Athens, sparking a fifty-year-long conflict that will shake Greece to its core.
None of that is happening now, though. From the defeated Athenian flank runs a wounded ALCIBIADES. He is wearing the standard armour of a Greek soldier, with his face hidden by his helmet. (note: the helmet is a standard helmet, less ornate than the one he will be given later.) He clutches his side and ducks behind a chunk of fallen wall. He thinks he’s safe, but a CORINTHIAN has followed him and is ready to finish him off.]
SOCRATES (from offstage)
No!- Bastard!-
SOCRATES runs in from the right, helmet also covering his face, quickly throwing a spear into the CORINTHIANS’ shoulder. The CORINTHIAN scowls and runs off, holding his arm. SOCRATES crouches down in front of a prone ALCIBIADES, slapping him.
SOCRATES
Hey- hey! Young man, are you alive?
ALCIBIADES
What…? [Alcibiades sits up, dazed and confused.] …Apparently. OW- Ow, my fucking side-
SOCRATES
[Pointing to an Athenian ship in the distance] Were you on that ship just now? [Slapping Alcibiades again] Answer me!
ALCIBIADES
Get away from me! [Scoots away, still visibly in pain.] Yes, I’m an Athenian. Now get it over with, I have a date with- [pained hiss]- Dionysus.
SOCRATES
What- young man, I am trying to help you! Were- you- on- that- ship?
ALCIBIADES
You’re just jealous because you couldn’t pull a satyr. [Looking up at SOCRATES, grimacing.] Look at you. You’re like a troll.
SOCRATES
[Scoffing, outraged.] I have no care for my personal appearance-
ALCIBIADES
I can tell.
SOCRATES
-And neither will you. I just saved your life, unless you’re too fuck-brained to know that.
ALCIBIADES
Hmm.
SOCRATES
Don’t you see those men? [SOCRATES gestures to the CORINTHIANS in the distance] They were prepared to bash though your thick skull to deliver your head to their general.
ALCIBIADES
[Tilting his head back] If they wanted my head, they could’ve just asked. I’d happily service them. [ALCIBIADES looks back at the enemy, then takes a moment to consider SOCRATES again - he is rather delirious, after all.] You’re… Socrates, aren’t you?
SOCRATES
Why do you think that?
ALCIBIADES
They told me you were in this troop. I’ve seen you in the forum. You give the pep talks.
SOCRATES
But you can’t see my face. How do you know it is I, and not some impostor?
ALCIBIADES
[Exasperated] …I can hear your voice?
SOCRATES
I could fake my voice. [SOCRATES is quiet for a moment, thinking.] And when you say hear, what exactly do you mean?
ALCIBIADES
Agh- I don’t know, man- [Alcibiades grimaces, shutting his eyes.] Just- If you’re going to kill me, do it quick. If you’re going to cart me away to safety, please hurry up. I’m hurting here.
SOCRATES
Fine, fine. [SOCRATES picks ALCIBIADES up bridal-style, stepping over his discarded shield and carrying him away.]
ALCIBIADES
[Looking at SOCRATES’ arms] Oo, you’re strong. I’m beginning to rethink my assessment. You wanna give me a private lesson, Socrates?
SOCRATES
[Annoyed] Later!
[Exit both, end scene]
-
ACT 1 SCENE 3
ATHENIAN VILLA, 430 BCE
[Chaise lounges, plants, and marble columns decorate the room - the very picture of a Greek villa. A chaise lounge on the right is turned away from the audience, and a man with curly, shoulder-length brown hair lounges in it. The audience doesn't know who he is yet, and we can only see the back of his head - but he could only be ALCIBIADES. (Note: He now has no helmet until Scene 5)]
ALCIBIADES
Socrates! [ALCIBIADES turns his head to the left, revealing his face.] Bring me more wine.
[SOCRATES enters stage left carrying two wine glasses]
SOCRATES
Alcibiades. You- [Handing ALCIBIADES the wine] insolent little boy. I am not your helot whom you may order about as you please.
ALCIBIADES
And I am not a little boy, father. [sarcasm]. I am twenty years old.
SOCRATES
And I’m fourty! [Half sitting, half falling onto the arm of a chaise lounge.] So shut up.
ALCIBIADES
Fourty-one!
SOCRATES
[Waving his wine glass dismissively.] Well then.
[The two drink in silence for a little while, ALCIBIADES fluffing up his hair and watching SOCRATES. It will be five years before the philosopher will truly become famous in Athens, gaining a cult following but oddly enough being despised by most Athenians, seen as an ugly and vulgar old man who hangs around with people half his age. Not exactly the refined intellectual we know him as today, huh? You have medieval monks to thank for his modern reputation.]
ALCIBIADES
[Pulling himself up to sit on the arm of the other chaise lounge.] Now then. Tell me about… Sparta.
SOCRATES
Sparta, hm? [Smirking] Humouring an old man?
ALCIBIADES
[Sitting with his chin in his hand, gazing at SOCRATES through fluttering eyelids] No, sir, a boring one. Come on, tell me.
SOCRATES
Alright, well. [Thinking for a moment.] Where to start. They have an oligarchy.
ALCIBIADES
[Sarky again] Ooo. [As Socrates talks, Alcibiades becomes increasingly bored and uninterested.]
SOCRATES
Shut up, you asked for this. [Lecturer voice] Sparta has two kings which they call Archagetai, and a council of elders or Gerousiae to control the kings - the only democracy they have is the Demos, which is made up of only the free citizens… [Socrates thinks this is a good thing. He notices Alcibiades is not interested.] …aaaand you just want to know about the women, don’t you?
ALCIBIADES
Well, of course I do! What did you think? Tell me the fun stuff. I've heard they're really strong.
SOCRATES
Well, I don't know, funnily enough. I'm not exactly a frequenter of Spartan brothels.
ALCIBIADES
Yes, you'd prefer the Malakoi, wouldn't you. [Sipping his wine.] Besides, depending on how my career goes in Athens, moving to Sparta might be my only option.
SOCRATES
Oh, you'll be fine in Athens. The people love you.
ALCIBIADES
Really? [Swirling his wine.] I don't know. What if I can't be a general?
SOCRATES
Who told you that?
ALCIBIADES
Nikias.
SOCRATES
Fuck Nikias.
ALCIBIADES
[Laughs] I might. And I'll stick it to him, too. You watch- on my thirtieth birthday, you watch- I'll be a general.
SOCRATES
[Teasing] Why, that's the minimum age. How much have you drank?
ALCIBIADES
[Looks at his glass, finding it empty.] Not nearly enough. Come on- [Hops off the chaise lounge, pulling SOCRATES down with him] We're getting some more.
[Exit both, end scene]
-
ACT 1 SCENE 4
THE FORUM, 421 BCE
[Negotiations for the Peace of Nikias are well underway. The Peloponnesian War has been going on for nine years, and everyone is sick of it. Athens has suffered two defeats in a row, the general Cleon has just died, and a certain Brasidas from Sparta has been stirring up members of Athens’ Delian League to potentially revolt. Meanwhile in Sparta, 150 soldiers have surrendered to Athens down in the island of Pylos - the worst sin in Spartan culture - and a separate treaty with Argos is about to expire, so they do not want to fight two wars at once.
On Sparta’s side, all with some red in their outfits: PLEISTOANAX (who at this point is unusually young) and AGIS II, the two kings. Both are wearing crowns and dressed in elaborate red togas. On Athens’ side, all with some blue: NIKIAS (an older man in a toga) and LAMACHUS (a younger man in standard armour for a Greek soldier), two Athenian generals and politicians. All are seated on benches or standing around on opposite ends of the stage. Alcibiades is noticeably not here. (Optionally, you could have other ATHENIANS and SPARTANS here too, because there were more than just these guys here but they’re the key negotiators)]
NIKIAS
[With a surprisingly respectful bow.] Your majesties, Pleistoanax and Agis the second. Thank you for coming.
PLEISTOANAX
It is truly an honour-
LAMACHUS
Not you. [Pointing at Pleistoanax] You’re Pleistoanax. I still remember when you took that bribe from Pericles - gods bless his soul - to stop fighting. You should’ve fought and died like a real man.
NIKIAS
Lamachus! [Turning to the kings] We are here to bring peace-
LAMACHUS
And speaking of cowardice! You say you’ll never surrender, but I’m sure the one hundred and twenty soldiers of Pylos - who are still in our basement - would beg to differ-
PLEISTOANAX
Yes, that’s why we’re here-
LAMACHUS
And what about Brasidas, hmm? Using mercenaries. Making speeches. Running across Macedon persuading people. Your ‘Spartan way,’ it’s all a mirage. You’re all the same-
[NIKIAS slams his hand on LAMACHUS’ mouth with wide eyes. LAMACHUS continues speaking occasionally, muffled.]
NIKIAS
[In a harsh whisper to LAMACHUS] Shut up, shut up, oh my gods shut up! [To the Spartans, at normal volume.] My apologies for my colleague. We are here to bring peace.
AGIS
[Pause] …Are you sure?
NIKIAS
[Looks at LAMACHUS, who is clearly not here to bring peace.] Yes. This war has drained both Athens and Sparta, and we would like to extend an olive branch and organise a truce.
AGIS
I see. [AGIS looks at PLEISTOANAX, who nods.] That seems reasonable. One hundred and twenty of our soldiers are imprisoned in the Parthenon. We would like them returned and are willing to pay.
NIKIAS
[Nods] We are willing to negotiate their release. Particularly… [NIKIAS retrieves a scroll from a chest, and unfurls it slightly.] We would like to regain the city of Amphi-
[Bang-bang-bang. Someone is knocking quite aggressively on the door. LAMACHUS’ eyes light up.]
NIKIAS
[Glancing at the door in concern, then going back to his scroll.] …-polis, and, erm, the return of some prisoners of ours in Sparta and Thebes. In return-
[Bang-bang-bang-bang.]
NIKIAS
[Clears his throat] In return, we are willing to come to your aid in the event of another helot revolt. We understand that's a concern for you.
[PLEISTOANAX and AGIS look at each other sheepishly - they don't like to admit this, but that is something they're afraid of.]
NIKIAS
Does that sound-
[Bang, bang, bang!]
[Pause]
PLEISTOANAX
Your helots are... quite insistent.
NIKIAS
[Flustered] I-It's not a helot, it's-
[ALCIBIADES bursts through the door, almost falling over getting in. He looks simultaneously enraged at NIKIAS, happy to see LAMACHUS, and his usual cocky self.]
NIKIAS & LAMACHUS
[At the same time, NIKIAS annoyed and LAMACHUS thrilled] Alcibiades!
ALCIBIADES
Nikias! [Alcibiades storms in, knocking NIKIAS’ scroll to the ground.] What. The fuck?
NIKIAS
[Outraged spluttering] I- I- I would say the same to you, you bull! What are you doing here?
ALCIBIADES
Exactly what I'm supposed to be doing here! [Picks up NIKIAS' scroll over-dramatically] Right. What are we doing? Demands? Sure. I would like to be included.
NIKIAS
What- no! [NIKIAS wrests the scroll from Alcibiades, playing tug of war.] You're not a general yet!
[As this exchange is happening they should gradually pull the scroll away from each other, unrolling it more and more.]
ALCIBIADES
Well, why can't I be?
NIKIAS
Because there's a certain level of respect - [yank] - and dignity - [yank] - and class - [yank] - which you clearly don't have!
ALCIBIADES
You let [yank] [pronouncing it wrong] Lamarcus in!
NIKIAS
[Out of breath] Who!?
ALCIBIADES
[Pronouncing it correctly] [Yank] Lamachus.
NIKIAS
Oh. [Looking at LAMACHUS, who finds this very amusing.] Well, that's because he's older! He's fourty and you're twenty-nine, which is not the minimum age for a general!
ALCIBIADES
That's ageist!
NIKIAS
[Yank] That's not even a word yet!
ALCIBIADES
[Yank] You're all just a bunch of saggy old beans!
NIKIAS
And you're a horny teenager!
ALCIBIADES
[Yank] I'M TWENTY-NINE!
NIKIAS
THAT'S MY- [Big yank] POINT!
[The scroll tears in half, and the force knocks both of them back. NIKIAS lands on his arse, and ALCIBIADES on his back, sprawled out like a drunk person. I'm in a metaphor-ey mood today, so make it the same pose he dies in.]
[Pause]
NIKIAS
You immature little... thing. [Looks at LAMACHUS, who is laughing] Lamachus - Alcibiades is young, but you? You have nothing to excuse your behaviour.
[NIKIAS gets up with the aid of LAMACHUS and dusts himself down. ALCIBIADES has sat up and is reading his half of the scroll.]
ALCIBIADES
...Why does this say "Write to Elpinice about favour"?
NIKIAS
[Suddenly alarmed, rushing to Alcibiades] Wait, that's my notebook-
ALCIBIADES
[Getting up] Hold on, that's Cimon's sister! I thought you two hated each other?
NIKIAS
[Trying to snatch the scroll from ALCIBIADES] Give that back!
[NIKIAS chases ALCIBIADES]
ALCIBIADES
[Being chased] I tell you, she can do a lot better than a man like you-
NIKIAS
GET OUT! [Slams the door in ALCIBIADES’ face. Exit ALCIBIADES. NIKIAS holds his back to the door until he's certain Alcibiades has gone, then turns to AGIS and PLEISTOANAX, who have been watching this whole exchange in stunned silence.]
PLEISTOANAX
...Elpinice?
NIKIAS
Not important. [NIKIAS throws that half of the notebook away, walking back to where he was.] Have no fear, your majesties. You will never do business with that man. Not even when he turns thirty.
AGIS
Alcibiades, yes?
NIKIAS
Yes. He is the immature young man who thinks that just because he was the ward of Pericles, he has a fast-pass to being a general. I won't have it.
PLEISTOANAX
But an eagle's youth is worth a sparrow's old age. I was king at six.
AGIS
[Nods] He was.
NIKIAS
[Wants to change the subject.] I-It's not just his age, he's... He's not ready to be a general. He's too brash. He rushes into things. He has no scruples.
AGIS
[Looking back at where Alcibiades was.] In Sparta, he would be a general. He could be just the man you need.
NIKIAS
[Desperately trying to avoid offending the Spartans] I- well- it's- it's a different culture.
PLEISTOANAX
It certainly is.
NIKIAS
-Regardless, he's not being made a general. Would you- would you like to go over the terms?
[All four convene in the centre, looking at the remainder of the scroll and muttering in low voices. Fade the lights to black and end scene.]
-
ACT 1 SCENE 5
THE FORUM, 420 BCE - EVENING
[Alcibiades' 30th birthday. NIKIAS, LAMACHUS, and LACHES (another general, dressed in a toga with blue accents) are gathered in the forum, Alcibiades’ helmet on a table (with a blue plume - the plume will be red in Act 2 and purple in Act 3) in front of them, covered by a cloth. LAMACHUS is thrilled but trying not to show it, NIKIAS is clearly not happy, and LACHES doesn’t know Alcibiades, so he doesn’t really care. LACHES should be in the middle of NIKIAS and LAMACHUS.
Enter ALCIBIADES stage left, wearing a stupid party hat and one of those huge birthday boy pins - you know the type. That and a shit eating grin.
ALCIBIADES
[Strutting] Well, he-llo, Nikias! Never thought I'd see you here hm?
[NIKIAS grits his teeth in silence}
ALCIBIADES
[Looking at the helmet] My-my, whats this? A birthday gift? You shouldn't have.
LACHES
[Clears throat, reading from a scroll.] Alcibiades, son of Cleinias.
ALCIBIADES
Yes?
LACHES
I am honoured to announce that your tribe, the… Scambonidae, have voted you to be their strategos - from this moment on, you are a general.
ALCIBIADES
[Whispered] Oh, shit. [Turns to LAMACHUS] Did you know about this?
LAMACHUS
[Smiling] Maybe.
ALCIBIADES
[Affectionate] You bastard! Is this why you told me I'd “find out what my gift was later?”
[LAMACHUS laughs while LACHES glances at NIKIAS, asking him to redirect the conversation.]
NIKIAS
A-hem. [ALCIBIADES and LAMACHUS look at them apologetically.]
LACHES
Alcibiades, son of Cleinias. As part of your election to general, it is my honour to present you with… [LACHES hands off the scroll to NIKIAS (who briefly looks to make sure it's not his notebook again) before revealing Alcibiades’ helmet] …This helmet.
ALCIBIADES
[Delighted] Oo, shiny!
LACHES
Lamachus, if you would do the honours?
[ALCIBIADES bows a little, smiling as LAMACHUS puts the helmet on his head. LACHES claps - NIKIAS does as well, reluctantly. Also note that whoever plays ALCIBIADES is going to be wearing this helmet for basically the rest of the play so make sure it's comfortable!!]
LAMACHUS
[Slapping ALCIBIADES on the back] Congrats, buddy.
NIKIAS
[Grumbling] Yes, congratulations.
ALCIBIADES
[Somewhat smugly] Why thank you. [Politely, to LACHES] Er, what do I do now?
LACHES
Go home and enjoy your birthday. We'll call upon you when we need you.
ALCIBIADES
Sick! [Laughing] Lammy, I'll see you later. Imma go tell Socrates.
LAMACHUS
Hell yea.
[Exit ALCIBAIDES stage right.]
NIKIAS
[After a pause, with a dramatic sigh.] What the fuck has this city come to.
LACHES
He seems fine. He's young, that's all. I was just like him at his age. [Turning to LAMACHUS and NIKIAS] You know what? You two know him better than me. Who is he?
NIKIAS
He's an immature little kobalos who runs around fucking and fighting and drinking whenever he wants to. He's not ready to be a general.
LACHES
[Uncertain] Okay… [turns to LAMACHUS] What about-
NIKIAS & LAMACHUS
[At the same time, both pointing to each other] Don't listen to him-
LAMACHUS
He's actually brilliant. You know Socrates? Battle of Delium? Alcibiades saved his life. That's why they're boyfriends. Now think of where we'd be without him. [Turns to audience] By the way - that wasn't the battle you saw. That was a different one. [Turns back to LACHES] He's got plans, too. He's thinking about an alliance between us, Argos, Ellis, and Mantinea. We'd completely isolate Sparta and be able to attack them on several fronts.
LACHES
That does seem smart [Thinking] And he did get the majority vote.
NIKIAS
[Sulky] He shouldn’t have done. He rigged the vote somehow, I’m sure of it.
LAMACHUS
[Joking] Oi, don’t discount all the work I put into rigging the vote. [He gets judgemental looks from NIKIAS and LACHES] I’m joking. The people love him. You can’t avoid that.
LACHES
That is true. [LACHES looks at his watch before remembering they haven't been invented yet. He peers at the sky instead.] Sun’s going down.
[All three peer at the sky comically]
NIKIAS
Bedtime, I think.
LACHES
Mmm. Well, good night.
LAMACHUS
Good night. I better make sure Alci doesn't commit crimes against religion.
NIKIAS
What?
LACHES
Good night.
[End scene]
[End of Act 1 Part 1]