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It wasn’t just the stupidly oversized Santa hat that made Omar stand out in the room, but it helped.
Edvin watched him dance in the middle of the others, dressed in sparkly black jeans and a slightly see-through top, hips swaying a bit too seductively to the silly Christmas song blasting through the speakers. The whole office had been decorated in string lights and tinsel, and a festive feeling clung to the atmosphere. They were in the conference room, the largest room by far in the sometimes cramped space and all Edvin could focus on was Omar in that stupid hat. He’d stolen it off the enormous snow man plushy someone, somehow, for some reason, had felt would be a good decorative addition to the annual Christmas party. Edvin just knew that he would become the one responsible for getting rid of it in January.
Omar had folded the hat several times at the back of his head and had to use someone’s hair clip to keep it in place. Now dark curls were peeking out from under the fluffy white rim, red velvet falling limply to one side as a cottony white ball bounced at the point. Edvin watched the happiness on the pretty face and felt a growing warmth inside himself.
That joy.
He took a sip of mulled wine and was reminded once again of how much he didn’t like the drink. But it was Christmas, and what was the holiday season without traditional warm and disgusting beverages? At least it had alcohol. It burned on the way down his throat.
I’m going to tell him, Edvin told himself firmly, eyes set on the little bit of skin that sometimes peeked out from between the bottom of the top and waistband of the jeans as Omar writhed to the music. I’m going to tell him tonight. It wasn’t the first time he’d thought this, but tonight was the night. In fact, he was going to tell him as soon as the song was over.
And then the song ended and Edvin still stayed stuck in place, still leaning towards one wall and still sipping on spicy red wine that he didn’t like. The next song started and Omar kept dancing.
Edvin was such a coward.
The truth was; he was deeply afraid of rejection, and most of his critical thoughts couldn’t see anything other than exactly that happening once he finally put all of his cards on the table. What if he told Omar about his feelings, the ones that had been growing so steadily throughout the years and then Omar shot him down? It would crush him.
Even though they had skated around each other for years at this point, through the other’s relationships and hookups, through arguments and silent periods, they had always stuck so firmly by each other’s side. But Edvin knew that this time the very foundation of their friendship would be shaken by his admission. Maybe it wouldn’t be able to stand it. Maybe he shouldn’t risk it.
But would his heart survive not telling?
Suddenly dejected, he downed the last of the mulled wine and set the empty cup down on a table laden with chocolates, potato chips, a few stray beer bottles and a tray of saffron buns. He grabbed a few of the wrapped chocolates before leaving the room and sidled through the space towards the exit. They’d moved a bunch of sample boxes into the little corridor to make the conference room danceable and he had to walk hip first to pass them in order to reach the door.
The winter chill that met him was anything but wintery. Seven degrees on the wrong side of zero, a gentle rain pattering down on the dark city. Edvin took a few steps sideways and placed himself under the awning of a closed beauty salon. Breathing deeply, he inhaled the humid night air. Why was he like this? Why was he so indecisive? One second he was determined to tell Omar how he felt about him, the next so scared of the idea that his knees trembled. He let out a weary breath and watched it being dragged down by the rain.
A click of a door made his eyes snap in the direction of where he’d come from and his heart picked up when he spotted a familiar figure darting towards him.
“Hey,” Omar smiled as he joined Edvin under the awning. “What are you doing?”
“Just getting some air,” Edvin mumbled, then cleared his voice to sound more confident. “Did you follow me?”
“Yeah,” Omar admitted. “I saw you leave and wondered what you were up to.” His eyes lit up as they darted down to where Edvin’s fingers were just unwrapping a piece of chocolate. “Do you have one for me?”
Edvin offered one. Their fingers touched briefly as Omar took it.
“You didn’t have enough sugar today from the one little piece of generic chocolate in your advent calendar?” Edvin asked, trying to joke even though it didn’t come out very funny. He’d given it to Omar in November, feeling silly while doing so but it’d had Rihanna on it for some reason, and Edvin had used that as an excuse.
“Uhh,” Omar started, then grinned a little guiltily. “I kinda opened it and ate everything December first.”
“Really?” A little laugh escaped Edvin and Omar seemed to take it as an affront.
“Hey, I was sick, okay? I was feeling sorry for myself and twenty-four pieces of chocolate really helped in the moment.”
“I’m not judging,” Edvin said quickly. “Just picturing it.”
Omar groaned. “Please don’t. It wasn’t pretty.”
Edvin chuckled and allowed his eyes to glide over the face in front of him. Angelic, it was, and it wasn’t because of the light layer of makeup either. It was just Omar. Edvin sighed.
That face.
“Where’s your clip?” He asked a moment later, watching as Omar folded up the white edge of the hat a few times to hold its place better on his head. The red velvet fabric was drooping down his back.
Omar groaned a little. “Jess took it back, said something about reporting me for theft. I think she was joking but I’m honestly a little scared of her - don’t tell her that though.”
Edvin grinned and stuffed his hands into his pockets when he didn’t know what to do with them. He glanced up at Omar after he’d let his eyes examine the wet ground for a few moments. “Are you… are you excited about going away for Christmas?”
“Yes!” Omar expelled. “España, baby!” He was definitely a little tipsy. “What are you doing? I never asked.”
“Just staying home with the family.” Edvin shrugged. “It’ll be quiet.”
“Nice,” Omar offered distractedly as he immediately had to re-focus on the edge of the hat which kept unraveling and rolling back down over his face.
You should go for it now, Edvin’s mind told him encouragingly. Go for it now when he’s not staring at you.
“Omar, I-“ Edvin began, then stopped before trying again. “Omar…”
“Edvin,” Omar stated calmly, and his gentle features held the little smile that always melted Edvin into mush. “What’s up?” He was still fiddling with the hat and Edvin let out a shaky breath before honesty finally followed in a wave.
“I have feelings for you, strong feelings,” he admitted in a rush and quickly continued. “They’re not new and they’re real, so I don’t want you thinking it’s some sort of passing crush because it isn’t. I love you, I think. I’m pretty sure. I wanted to tell you before you left.”
Omar’s fingers halted their movements on the fluffy white fabric. Dark eyes darted to Edvin’s who had no idea what was going on behind them. It made Edvin’s confidence waver slightly.
“I’m sorry I never told you and for telling you here, now, today, but… it’s been so hard to hide and hard to keep in and if I never tell you then I don’t-“
“-Edvin.”
Just his name spoken in that voice caused him to fall silent. He inhaled the wet evening air in a shaky matter and his eyes flickered back to Omar’s before they fell away again. “I’m sorry for springing this on you in public like this where people can see us.”
The smile on Omar's lips grew soft and then visibly relieved. Edvin's heart picked up on a hopeful feeling in the night. Omar lifted his hand; ring, middle and index fingers sticking up. “Three things: stop being sorry.” Two fingers left. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner.” One. “And no one will see us.” The voice softened and the hand fell away.
Edvin frowned. “What?” He glanced around at the people passing further down the street. No one seemed to be looking at them for the time being, but they were certainly not alone. His confused eyes slid back to Omar and for some reason they landed on his lips.
That mouth.
“No one will see us,” Omar repeated and took a step forward until they stood close together. Before Edvin could produce more than a shocked inhale, the other pair of hands had grabbed onto the edge of the Santa hat and pulled it down over both of their heads.
It was suddenly very dark, and despite Edvin’s surprised eyes searching for anything to rest on they couldn’t. He had to rely on his other senses. And all of them were screaming that Omar’s face was coming closer.
And what happened under there next, well, only the insides of an oversized Santa hat would ever know.