Work Text:
hanschen was squinting at ernst as he blocked in his main shapes. ernst was glancing up at him every other second as hanschen made the general outline of his face. they both tried to sit as still as they could, to make it easier for for one another.
when ernst had first grabbed his sketchbook and said “don’t move,” hanschen figured the windows they were by were dramatically lighting his face. he figured because ernst’s face was too, illuminated by the sun. he’d ignored ernst’s words and grabbed his journal. he wasn’t as good as ernst but he wanted to draw his boyfriend too, so sue him.
ernst sat cross legged across from hanschen, who was on his stomach. there was the the sound of pencils scratching paper as they both got the sides of their hands progressively more graphite stained.
hanschen had finally gotten ernst’s eyebrows right when he looked up at ernst’s eyes. his eyelashes were so nicely fanned against his cheeks and the light colored them so beautifully.
this was going to be harder than he thought. ernst was slightly smiling and hanschen held himself back.
shading ernst’s hair was distracting but not distracting enough. he had finished all too quickly when he started to draw ernst’s lips. they were very nice. this was too much. just beholding him was too much.
after very little considering and about ten minutes of just staring, he just decided to go for it. “you aren’t drawing anymore. are you finished?” he flipped the journal and leaned forward to kiss him instead of replying. ernst rolled his eyes and closed his sketchbook but smiled as he kissed back.
after about a minute, hanschen fell onto ernst’s lap, upsetting ernst greatly. “aww..” ernst pouted, moving to pick up his sketchbook. hanschen grabbed his face. “stop being so beautiful and radiant challenge..” he glanced up at his boyfriend, “damn. you lose again.” ernst tried not to smile. it was very pretty. “i love you.” hanschen said. ernst turned a little red. it was even more pretty.
hanschen kissed him again. and again and again, for a while until ernst’s phone rang obnoxiously loudly. ernst sighed and picked up.
…
hanschen recognized the way ernst’s face fell. it was familiar in a different way but he knew that something had happened. he knew they’d have to go so he grabbed his keys while ernst sat on his bed listening to whatever horrible news he was being told.
he stood by the door until the call ended. ernst had silently gotten up and they walked out. when they got in the car, ernst just said “it’s moritz.” which he was thankful for. in a kind of morbid way, he wanted to be surprised. he didn’t want to know what happened.
he wanted to drive there, not knowing that someone is dying. he wanted to hope that maybe moritz fainted, but only because of stress. maybe he’s sick, but nothing a little antibiotics can’t fix. he knew from ernst’s expression it was serious, but he just wanted to hope for as long as he can.
hanschen knew the way uncomfortably well, and ernst said nothing as they drove. hanschen understood. there’s nothing you can say when you know your friend is dying.
hanschen didn’t say anything either.
…
he didn’t consider himself a super religious person, but as soon as he saw moritz in the bed he sent a prayer, ‘please, god, not again.’ seeing moritz look so small, smaller than he makes himself regularly, with bandages around his face and neck, the medical wiring and everything was making hanschen feel unbelievably small too. and he barely spoke to him.
he grabbed ernst’s hand and sat next to ilse, and he held his hand out to her too. she took it. things weren’t looking good. most of the friends were there, trying to talk or just staring at the ground. the worst part was melchior. sitting by moritz and just looking so, so sad.
hanschen had worked out what happened. he knew moritz failed the exams, how his father was. he didn’t know him all that well, because moritz seemed very afraid of him, and all of the sudden he felt so very bad. he never knew why moritz was intimidated by him. he should’ve made more of an effort to know him. he should’ve realized and helped moritz. he should’ve done something.
and then he imagined how melchior must be feeling.
he didn’t have to. he knew, somewhat, what melchior was feeling. knowing somebody is gone even when they lie in the bed right in front of you. the way you think of all the things you never did together, how you’d never spend another day at the movies or by the river or alone in your room. never being able to tell them how much they mean to you.
there were a lot of differences with what happened to moritz. he didn’t slowly flicker out, he’d crashed and burned. he hadn’t gotten sick one day and slowly deteriorated. although, reconsidering this in his mind, hanschen realized that could have been exactly what happened.
but moritz had a chance. he’d apparently been highly unstable for a bit, now it was about when (or if) he woke up. hanschen hoped it was soon because seeing everyone so sad was too much and he was remembering a lot of things that he didn’t want to.
time passed slowly. maybe it was the way it all felt, like he was back in the game that had ended slowly and painfully last time, like he never wanted to play again. he tried to stare at ernst for a while but he couldn’t stop thinking about his ghost. he looked away. he couldn’t let himself associate him with this. it was all too much.
melchior seemed to agree, because he got up and sped out. wendla immediately took his seat after he was out of sight. hanschen sighed. “i’m gonna go talk to melchior.” ernst just nodded and tried to smile. he mouthed a ‘good luck’ after hanschen hugged him goodbye.
he didn’t know exactly where melchior had gone, but he knew the layout pretty well so it didn’t take long to find him. he was in an empty family room, covering his face with his hands, not hiding his crying very well.
he sat down next to him. he thought about what to say for a bit, how to comfort him.
“do you… remember when max was here?” melchior looked up slightly and nodded.
“when i was here last, i’d sat right where you were as he died. but i’d also sat there often, and every time i would think about how i could never live without him, and how much he meant to me. but he always woke up, and i thought that this time he would too. when he died it finally felt real. i remembered every time that i couldn’t tell him and it was the worst feeling ever.”
melchior was not hitting him, so he continued.
“and even in those moments, i knew he was going to die soon. i just couldn’t tell him. and after he did, i’d have given anything to just get over it and tell him. but i couldn’t, because by the time i’d gathered enough nerve he was dead. and he died without knowing that i love him.”
hanschen turned to see if melchior was listening. he was.
“i tell ernst every day that i love him. because i need him to know. you have to tell moritz. when he wakes up, you have to tell him or else you’ll turn evil. like me.”
hanschen was trying desperately to cheer melchior up which apparently failed miserably because he hugged hanschen. “well i wouldn’t wanna turn evil.” melchior’s voice was crackly and gross but hanschen didn’t even have to hold himself back from making a rude comment. melchior clearly was that pitiful. “i don’t think the town could handle more deviousness.” hanschen said. melchior laughed a little. it was progress.
hanschen got up and looked at melchior until he got up as well. they walked back to moritz’s room and wendla got out of the chair once she saw him. he half smiled and thanked her. she went and sat with ilse, who was sleeping against ernst’s shoulder, and he slept against her head. it was really cute. looking at them made him feel tired. he checked his watch. it was pretty late. he sat next to ernst and closed his eyes for a bit.
…
after they’d gone they collapsed immediately into ernst’s bed. the pencil from earlier stabbed hanschen a little as he lay down. “oh. yeah.” hanschen got off of the journal and sketchbook he was laying on. he handed ernst the page.
“where is my mouth?” he giggled, and hanschen just shrugged and pointed to the real ernst’s lips. “i think around here maybe, but i’ll need to check a bit more.” he puckered up and slowly approached ernst’s face, who pushed him away.
“real smooth,” said ernst, sighing. today was a really long day. ernst handed him his sketchbook open to the page of the drawing. it was stunning actually. hanschen could’ve never looked better. he smiled and tackled ernst down, hugging him tight. “i love you.” ernst hugged him back. “i love you too.”
hanschen had the most improbable thought that everything could be alright.
…
moritz hadn’t woken up the next day. he hadn’t the day after that, or the one after that.
but every day someone was present at all times. they took turns calling in sick days and melchior was always there before school and right after school, putting chapstick on him or sitting and holding his hand. he’d done the same for max. well, besides shaving. max never grew much facial hair.
seeing his cactus face after they removed the bandages must’ve been too much for melchior, because he’d carefully shave him some mornings. sometimes herr stiefel was there, but he never said anything. he just sat feeling sorry for a bit and left after he couldn’t bear seeing the result of what he’d done wrong. hanschen felt bad for him, in a way. he was a very sad man.
seeing moritz improve in real time was surreal. and strange. he’d never expected to grow to like moritz so much, he’d barely talked to him. but the stories that melchior and ilse and wendla and ernst were telling each other about him? he seemed pretty okay. he was strangely excited for him to wake up so they could maybe be friends.
melchior was doing pretty good. he really liked taking care of moritz, which was a little sweet. ilse and wendla loved to talk to him, having full conversations with him. hanschen thought he might feel like a third wheel, so sometimes he’d join in.
it was different from the last time. it was better, and not just because moritz actually had a chance. he couldn’t tell what had changed, but it had.
all this had really been messing with his evil, flippant twink persona. he’d cultivated most of it with max. when he wouldn’t go out with his friends, it wasn’t because he was sitting in a room by a bed. it was because he didn’t do anything he didn’t wanna. he wasn’t only flirting with his dying best friend, he was flirting with anyone he wanted. he wasn’t affected by anything.
he didn’t care about all of the inside jokes he missed for max. he didn’t care that he seemed fidgety anywhere else. he didn’t let any insults stick to him.
once, he walked in on melchior telling moritz that he was “vaguely kind.” after that, when melchior had left the room, he turned to the sleeping moritz and said, “whatever he just told you is a lie. blasphemy.” and he ran out.
…
“what’re you doing?” hanschen asked, pointing to the small stack of papers on ernst’s desk. he’d noticed it grow over the last few days, but he’d never wanted to read or see them unless he asked ernst.
ernst looked down at them and picked one up. “they’re reports. on everything that’s been happening. i write one every day, so that when moritz wakes up, he knows what’s going on.”
and it was sweet. it was really sweet. it was exactly the kind of thing moritz would need. it was exactly the kind of thing he would’ve needed. it was considerate, and thoughtful, and just so ernst. hanschen kissed him.
he went and sat next to ernst, who looked at him. “another report, from a different perspective. he’ll have to figure out which one of us is right.” hanschen explained. ernst rolled his eyes and smiled.
hanschen smiled too, because his boyfriend was so nice. he scored. he wrote about the flowers from anna, the way ilse and wendla were whispering softly in the waiting room, holding pinkies. the way otto fell asleep on georg, who had to leave because of his ‘piano lessons.’ everything he could think of.
he finished by writing the date on the paper before turning to ernst, who was looking at him, and he was still smiling and just looking generally beautiful. then ernst kissed him, and then the phone rang.
hanschen hoped for some happier news this time.