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His heart was racing. His veins boiled in anger. His eyes burned with tears. His mind was speeding. He was feeling too much.
Lo’ak walked across the beach, gun in hand, eyes straight, with one goal in mind:
To end it once and for all.
“If you hadn’t disobeyed orders, then your brother would still be-”
Lo’ak dropped to his knees and looked out at the ocean for what felt like the last time.
He kept replaying those words his father said to him in his head before hearing a new voice.
“The way of water has no beginning and no end,”
Lo’ak could faintly hear Tsireya’s soft voice being carried through the wind as he loaded the gun.
“The sea is around you and in you.”
Lo’ak thought about all the things he’s learned from this Island since he first arrived; How to be in the sea for longer periods. How to communicate with the Reef People and creatures through their sign language. How to ride Ilu’s.
“The sea is your home, before your birth and after your death.”
He had no home.
At least that's what it felt like.
Back at home, he felt like the Omaticaya hated him since birth. No one took him seriously and would always compare Lo’ak to him.
The Metkayina felt worse.
Demon blood. Alien. That’s all they saw when they’d look at him.
Sure, they gave them shelter and say that he and his family are a part of the Metkayina Clan, now that his body was buried in their ocean but truthfully? Lo’ak didn’t want to be in the Metkayina or Omaticaya clan.
He wanted to be home.
Home?
His home is with Eywa now.
And Lo’ak is gonna join him.
In death.
“Our hearts beat in the womb of the world. Our breath burns in the shadows of the deep.”
He locks the gun in and takes a look at it in shame.
He always thought he’d go out in honor. In battle like all mighty warriors did while protecting what they love.
Yet he holds the reason for his death in his hands like a coward.
Like a failure.
“The sea gives,”
The sea gave Lo’ak his spirit brother, Payakan. An outcast tulkun who was misunderstood, just like him.
Whenever things got overwhelming for Lo’ak or he just needed someone to talk to, Payakan was always there to cheer him up. Whether it was by doing tricks and flips in the sea, or just listening to him vent about his insecurities.
Payakan was always there for Lo’ak.
But not anymore.
The council had decided that even though Payakan helped the clans defeat the sky people, he was still to be banished for taking others' lives, which wasn't even true to begin with.
How pathetic.
Payakan saved Lo’ak and his family, yet his father did nothing but sit there and let the banishing happen.
They took his spirit brother away from him.
“And the sea takes.”
It sure as hell does. It took Neteyam.
Neteyam.
The name alone made chills go up his spine.
Lo’ak looked out at the ocean, where his brother's body lay somewhere deep in the waters.
He thinks about just how much he took his big brother for granted.
Neteyam was always there for him, no matter what.
If Lo’ak wanted to do something he wasn’t supposed to? Neteyam was always there to watch over him.
When Lo’ak failed his first time to get an ikran? Neteyam was there to help him.
Everytime their dad would yell at Lo’ak, whether Lo’ak deserved the scolding or not, Neteyam was there to defend him.
And when Lo’ak pushed to do something he felt he was right in, Neteyam was there to protect him.
To die for him.
Neteyam was silly.
Playful.
Kind.
Smart.
A great warrior.
An amazing brother.
He’d play along with Tuk’s weird games. He’d comfort Kiri when she’d get bullied.
He’d stand next to Lo’ak everyday with pride.
Pride that he was Lo’ak’s big brother.
It angered Lo’ak that it took Neteyam’s death for him to realize just how much his brother truly cared for him.
How much his brother loved him.
It angered him so much that with shaky hands, he held the gun to his chin, finger on the trigger.
How could he have been so blind?
How did he not see that every eye roll, every scoff, laugh, shove, push, hug, was Neteyam’s way of showing his love.
All his life, Lo’ak was sure his big brother hated him. He was so sure.
All the pushing,
Calling him a skxawng,
Telling him no,
Always taking the lead and never letting Lo’ak do anything.
Lo’ak swore Neteyam hated him.
And for a while, Lo’ak hated Neteyam.
He was always in his shadow;
“Why can’t you be like your brother?”
“Just do what Neteyam says”
“I must’ve asked the wrong brother”
Seeing him get to ride with their parents.
Seeing him get complimented ever so often by their father, while all his father says to him is call him an idiot.
Seeing how everyone listened and respected him while treating Lo’ak like a joke.
It angered Lo’ak, and for that, he became impulsive.
Danger?
Lo’ak was the first to volunteer to help fight.
Bullies call his sister a freak?
Punch them.
Lo’ak did anything that seemed dangerous so he could prove to everyone he was just as a warrior as Neteyam was.
Prove to his dad that he wasn’t a failure.
And because of that, he got his brother killed.
“Water connects all things– Life to death, darkness to light.”
Life to death.
That’s Lo’ak’s plan. To join Neteyam.
To end the endless cycle of pain and loss.
Darkness to light.
He hoped that once he pulled the trigger, everything would go dark and eventually, he’d see Neteyam.
He’d see light.
And he was.
His finger slowly pushed down on the trigger. He could hear the gears shift in the weapon, ready to shoot the bullet.
As he was about to let his finger fall onto the trigger fully, he heard a voice.
Lo’ak thought it was Eywa at first and took it as a sign to keep going,
Until he heard his voice.
“What are you doing, little brother?”
Neteyam.
Hallucinating.
Lo’ak was sure he was just hallucinating.
He was sure it was a sign that he was almost there,
But,
“You skxawng, what are you doing?”
Lo’ak swore he could hear Neteyam’s voice.
Lo’ak ignored it and was about to continue, until he felt a warmth on his hand.
“Don’t do it little brother”
Lo’ak looked down at his hand and saw a faint blue one over his.
“Lo’ak, listen to me. Now that I am gone, you have to take charge.”
Lo’ak shook his head, “N-No, I wanna be with you” he thought to himself.
A soft chuckle sung through his ears,
“Why would you wanna be here with me when you have so much to try out there?”
“You did too and I took that away from you. If I hadn’t–”
“Hadn’t what? Asked for my help so we could save our best friend?”
“Maybe you’d be here now, on this beach with me, trying to hug me.”
“You’d be pushing me off!” he laughed.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have to live on without forgetting your touch,” his eyes watered.
“Maybe, I’d finally be able to tell you how much I wanted to be you. Maybe I’d be able to cry to you about how utterly useless I feel. Maybe dad wouldn’t hate me. Maybe–”
“Maybe, you should take a breath and think this through Lo’ak.”
Lo’ak scoffed, “I did. Doing this means I’ll finally be able to escape this hell hole. I’d be able to see you again. Be able to escape dad.”
Lo’ak felt a squeeze at his hand and shoulder, “But what about mom? Our sisters? That girlfriend of yours?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend–”
“Shut up and listen for once. There are people here who care and love you Lo’ak. You can’t do this to them. To yourself.”
“I wanna be with you.”
“Trust me little brother, I’ll always be here with you.”
“That’s corny Neteyam”
“It’s the truth idiot”
Lo’ak swore he felt a soft shove at his head.
“Listen to me Lo’ak. I know you’re hurting. You’re in pain. You feel lost and powerless but brother, trust me when I say you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You’re brave, fearless, ready for action and have a heart of gold.”
Lo’ak’s hands shook as his eyes burned with tears.
“Lo’ak, stay. Stay and help the clans defeat the sky people. Stay and make a life with Tsireya. Stay and be the big brother for our sisters. Stay and prove to everyone what I already know; that you’re a mighty warrior. That you don’t go down without a fight. That you will fight for what you believe in. Show them who you are. Show them that they are no one to judge. Show everyone that you’re a Sully.”
“Neteyam…” he croaked
“Be brave little brother. Be strong and fight. Fight for our sisters. For our parents. For our people. Fight for me. Now is not your time. Your time will come but it won’t be today.”
Lo’ak screams with tears in his eyes and throws the gun to the side.
He takes deep breaths.
“I will always be here, little brother. I see you, Lo’ak. I see you, and I love you.”
Lo’ak breaks down in tears as he feels a warmth wrap around his body.
Neteyam is right. Today is not the day.
Lo’ak has always been a fighter.
He’s always stood up for what he believed in, and this wasn’t any different.
He heard his name faintly behind him but he ignored it.
Neteyam gave him the push he needed.
He gave him the words that needed to be heard.
He made Lo’ak see something.
He made him see himself.
And Lo’ak was not going to let this happen again.
With tears down his cheeks and footsteps behind him, he whispered the words he yearned for,
“I see me.”