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After refusing the envoys from Nelarn, Yudrein hadn't expected anyone else to come for him. But one day before his execution date, it happened: an explosion, and then a shout.
"Yuder!"
It was a name he hadn't heard in a long while.
Yudrein looked up to see a mix of faces, both familiar and unfamiliar, but all looking at him in concern. The figure who pushed ahead of the rest was someone Yudrein did know well: Enon.
"You idiot, what kind of ridiculous trouble did you get into this time?"
When Yudrein didn't reply, Enon instinctively felt something was wrong. Without even asking for permission, he put two fingers into Yudrein's mouth, prying it open.
Yudrein's tongue was missing.
It was something so horribly cruel it could even leave Enon speechless.
"Let's get him out first and discuss matters later," another voice cut in. Yudrein's attention was drawn to it immediately. He knew that voice. He knew that face. But it was impossible.
Kishiar la Orr was dead. He had killed him.
A fierce throbbing pain burst from his skull and Yudrein wondered if he had finally gone crazy.
Kishiar had died, but the arms picking him up were solid and real. And Kishiar's hands...they were bare.
It felt wrong. Such precious hands touching a dirty sinner like Yudrein, the one who had killed him.
But he didn't have the strength to protest. Whatever Kishiar did to him, Yudrein was resigned to accept it.
He felt a warm flow of divine energy pouring in from those hands carrying him and the sound of Kishiar's heartbeat, thumping, alive alive alive-
Yudrein relaxed into unconsciousness.
"This is a medical ward, not a zoo!" Enon snapped at the tenth visitor of the day, and the sun hadn't even risen yet. Yuder's resting place had been cordoned off and not even Gakane had been able to sneak in with his shadows. Enon's eyes were just too sharp. Yuder would be disappointed with their training, but he should have never disappeared like that if he wanted to complain about others.
It was ridiculous. Every time he lost sight of Yuder that boy would come back with some new catastrophic wound. What was that Commander of his even doing? Useless.
Enon returned to Yuder's bedside where Lusan was still channeling divine energy. The priest's expression grew more and more distressed every time Enon looked.
"I told you it was useless, didn't I? Those aren't normal wounds, they are closer to a magical illusion."
Lusan sagged. "I know, but still...maybe it will help ease his pain."
Yuder had looked so uncomfortable even in his sleep, face deathly pale and sweating from nightmares they couldn't see. It had been like that ever since the Commander had left the room. Enon speculated it may have been from the tangled threads that joined their souls: Yuder's stability grew shaky without Kishiar's presence.
What a mess.
"You're overusing your powers. If you really want to make yourself useful, help me look through these books before you pass out."
On Enon's desk was a pile of books on magical artifacts and monsters, delivered from the imperial archives courtesy of Kishiar.
It would be much easier to figure out what had caused this if the strange cave that trapped Yuder hadn't collapsed upon their exit, but they still had plenty to work on. They would figure it out. Maybe even before that idiot of a workaholic woke up and tried to fix it himself, forgetting that he wasn't alone anymore.
Yudrein awoke to the familiar pain that had haunted him ever since his mana organ had been pierced, but paradoxically, his body was otherwise comfortable. There were no new wounds, only fresh bandages heavy with the scent of ointment.
"You're awake."
Yudrein stiffened. He had been so distracted by his new situation that he hadn't even noticed he wasn't alone.
Kishiar held up his hands, signaling that he wasn't a threat. But Yudrein didn't relax at all, only staring at his face in confusion.
"You really do like my face, don't you? But you are welcomed to look as much as you want," Kishiar teased with a smile, going so far as to tilt his head to give Yudrein a new angle.
Even if he could speak, Yudrein had no words. The Kishiar he remembered...had he always been this absurd?
His head throbbed once more. It always seemed to do that when he tried to remember about the former Duke Peletta.
Suddenly, a hand entered his vision. Still bare, still warm, it gently cupped his cheek as Kishiar leaned in with concern. Divine energy poured in, easing the pain rapidly.
"Better? Draw a circle on my hand for yes, a line for no."
Yudrein stared at the palm Kishiar offered. He really couldn't get used to seeing Kishiar without gloves. It was even stranger to him than the revelation that Kishiar was able to use divine energy. Hesitantly, he reached out and drew a circle.
"Good, don't try to move too much. You're still recovering," Kishiar said with a fond smile. "How about this? Shall I tell you a bedtime story?"
Yudrein waited, but he soon realized Kishiar was waiting for his confirmation. He drew another circle, a little faster than before.
"Once upon a time, a powerful man named Yudrein Ail was wrongly executed," Kishiar started. It was his story. Yudrein had expected it, his execution was inevitable. But it seemed the story did not end there if it was only the beginning line.
"When he died, time turned back eleven years. He returned to being Yuder, a commoner from Ayrik who could have chosen to live a life of reclusive peace or bloody revenge, but instead, he decided to join the Arcane Legion once again and save a certain man he thought he killed."
Thought he killed? Yudrein furrowed his brows at what the wording implied, but Kishiar did not pause to explain.
"He succeeded, and instead of becoming Commander, he became the Commander's Assistant and went on to save many more people who came to trust and admire him. In this game—this timeline—I never died, Katchian la Orr never became Emperor, and my brother—the current Emperor—became an awakener through the power of the Red Stone. Together, we've prevented many of the disasters Yuder regretted.”
A timeline where the Emperor never died and the empire remained peaceful...it seemed like a dream, but Yudrein knew, if Kishiar la Orr had lived he felt it may have been possible. Kishiar had always been much more capable than him.
"But one day, while investigating a report about a magical abnormality, Yuder disappeared. We investigated and found a strange cave that we think may have been part monster, part magical weapon. It traps its prey in memories of their weakest state, but the effect seems to last even after the prey is freed."
Yudrein absentmindedly put a hand on his naval, thinking of his damaged mana organ. This was indeed the weakest he had ever been, even worse than when he thought he had lost his powers after fighting the Pethuamet. It must have been his own recklessness that landed him in this situation. It seemed even now, he was still messing things up.
"Don't blame yourself," Kishiar said, startling Yudrein with how easily his thoughts were read. "No one could have anticipated such a bizarre situation, you should focus on resting. The situation now is not as dire as it was in your original time."
Yudrein shook his head. It didn't feel right for him to just lie in a bed and do nothing. In his current state, he couldn't do much, but he couldn't take everything he was being told at face value either. He had to investigate the situation for himself.
Kishiar sighed, already knowing Yudrein's determination.
"Then, how about we go on a date?"
Yudrein found himself in a familiar office. The same window, the same desk, the same magic stove—the only things different were the presence of the Divine Sword and the array of sweets lining the table in front of him.
Had Kishiar mistaken something about his preferences from his other self?
Despite the fact that he couldn't even remember the last time he ate, he didn't feel very hungry. But Kishiar didn't pressure him. Instead, he asked, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"
Yudrein looked at the empty paper and pen he had been provided with and thought for a moment before writing, "What is our relationship?"
"Oh? Isn't it obvious?" Kishiar replied, practically sparkling with delight at the question. "We're lovers of course."
Kishiar's mood was immediately dampened when Yudrein wrote next: "Secret? Fake?"
"While most of the members still think we are only pretending to promote the rights of secondary gender awakeners, my feelings are honest and true." As he spoke, Kishiar's gaze never wandered from Yudrein. The words sounded earnest, but perhaps the Duke of Peletta, famed womanizer, said similar things to everyone he slept with.
"Shall I prove it?" Kishiar reached out for Yudrein's hand.
“Well, if a greeting is necessary, then it must be done.” Kishiar had said, lifting the corners of his mouth in a mischievous smile as he bowed down to kiss Yudrein's hand shamelessly in front of the Emperor and nobles.
Yudrein violently withdrew his hand as if Kishiar's touch burned him, the same as he had done back then.
And before either could say anything more, the door to Kishiar's office suddenly opened with a slam and an angry Enon stomped in without mercy.
"You," he glared daggers at Kishiar, "I don't care what your position is, you can't just steal away my patients on a whim. And what are you trying to feed him?! He needs to start on something much gentler to his stomach. Go fetch some soup."
No one dared to comment on how a pharmacist was ordering around a member of the royal family. Kishiar wisely retreated from the room, leaving only Yudrein to face Enon's wrath.
"And you, don't you have any sense? Why did you leave your bed to follow that man like an idiot? Don't you know you're a patient?"
Yudrein wrote, "Should I not trust him?"
Enon pinched his brows, not even knowing where to start with his hopeless little brother. "You can trust him, but this isn't about him. It's about you, okay? YOU." He pointed a finger at Yudrein, jabbing him on the forehead a few times for emphasis. "Do you even know why you are currently stuck in the state that you are in?"
Yudrein knew not to argue with Enon when he worked himself into such a state. He only patiently waited for the answer.
"It's because you don't know how to care for yourself. Literally."
Yudrein tilted his head, signaling he didn't understand.
"We removed you from the source of the nightmare, but you are still stuck in it mentally. You can't imagine yourself living well in such a happy timeline, can you? A part of you still thinks this is all fake."
Yudrein didn't deny it. The proof was already in his condition.
Enon pinched his cheek, hard. "Well, you can start to reflect on that back in the medical ward."
Yudrein felt many curious stares as he was dragged back to the medical ward by the ear. By the time he settled back in his hospital bed, he was sure of one thing at least: this Enon was certainly—painfully—real.
Kanna vomited out her entire stomach the first time she touched the shackle Yuder wore.
It wasn't only the images of torture that upset her, it was the sheer pain, exhaustion, resignation she felt from Yuder. Why had he tried so hard, when no one cared in the end.
She felt guilty for looking into such a vulnerable moment without permission, but information was what they needed the most, and it was the one thing she could do best. To truly understand the nightmare Yuder was stuck in.
What she read felt like something more than an illusion though, they were closer to a memory.
The Commander nodded at her report, but only repeated what he told everyone else: Yuder was stuck in a nightmare, an illusory world where he had no memories of meeting them, and no one was to ask about it.
Kanna decided to leave it at that. After all, what Yuder needed now was not an interrogation of his past. Rather, he needed assurance that the world he was experiencing now was real.
Kanna wasn't sure if she was the right person to provide that. This Yuder—Yudrein, he called himself in his memories—didn't even know her. But when the Commander offered to let her be the first member to see him again, she couldn't refuse.
She entered the medical ward carefully holding a tray of soup and somehow didn't drop it the moment his dark eyes fixed on her.
"S-soup!" she barely managed to squeak out, putting down the tray before she completely lost her nerve.
Yudrein looked over at the bowl and nodded in thanks, judging her as not a threat. Kanna took the visitor's seat next to the bed and fortunately, Yudrein didn't seem to mind her presence much as he started to eat the soup to avoid Enon's wrath. The two sat quietly in each other's presence and Kanna managed to relax enough to muster up her next words.
"I'm...I'm an awakener. My name is Kanna Wand. I can read the information of objects I touch, and I was asked by the Commander to read some of your memories," she explained, growing more and more flustered. She quickly added, "I only told the Commander though, no one else should know about...about your nightmare."
Yudrein only continued to eat, not appearing to be bothered by the violation of his privacy. He was more interested in this awakener's ability—he had never heard of such an ability before. Perhaps she was one of the reasons why this timeline had been so successful in averting disasters.
"But since I saw them...I think I understand a little more than anyone else about why you're having a hard time believing this is all real," Kanna continued. "No one believed you, and now we're all asking for you to believe us."
"If you’re going to spout nonsense, leave and go do what you were instructed to do.”
“Aren’t you just overthinking everything? You’re not about to spout some doomsday theory, are you?”
"Are you sane, Commander Yudrein?”
Yudrein really did feel he had gone crazy. He finally put down his spoon and picked up a pen and wrote: "You read more than I expected."
Kanna bowed her head in embarrassment. "I'm really really sorry! If...If you want to know anything about me or anyone or anything, I'll tell you everything I know. It's only fair."
She truly appeared eager to help Yudrein, and her sense of familiarity around him couldn't have only come from her ability. Yudrein was almost sure of it, so he asked: "Did you know me?"
Yudrein was surprised by how fast Kanna's expression brightened at the question. "Oh! Yes, you...Yuder really helped me out a lot! I wouldn't be where I am now without you."
Kanna quickly launched into the tale of their first meeting, their training sessions, and all the missions they went on together. She didn't even know she had so many words in her until Enon came in to kick her out for keeping Yudrein up too long.
It seemed almost everyone had a story about "Yuder" to share. After Kanna left, a steady trickle of visitors poured in to give their well wishes. They all knew Yudrein had an issue with his memory, but that didn't stop them from sharing their own memories. Some gave him updates on their training to ask for advice while others left quickly after their greeting to let him rest. There was not a single underlying hint of jealousy or criticism like he was used to, only pure admiration and concern.
It left Yudrein a bit dazed.
Could he really have changed so much? From his investigations, the "Yuder" of this world was not much more sociable than him, yet everyone's reactions to him were so different.
"Meow!"
A small cat with golden fur hopped on his bed. Yudrein could tell with just a glance—this was also an awakener. Another visiter?
But the cat made no conversation. It only circled around itself a few times before plopping down and giving a big yawn. Suddenly, Yudrein also felt a bit sleepy. It had been a long day.
Enon came back to find his patient sleeping in a chair, having surrendered his bed to a tiny creature who barely took up half a pillow.
The next day, Enon grudgingly discharged Yudrein to his room. There was nothing more they could do for Yudrein's wounds that were not truly wounds, and Lusan pleaded that a change in scenery may help Yudrein's acceptance of the situation more than being permanently stuck in the medical ward.
Yudrein didn't have much expectations for his room, but when he opened the door he was surprised to find how cluttered it was. The vases of dried flowers stood out to him the most. He had never cared much for flowers, so to have so many in his room...there must have been a story behind this.
The gifts filling his drawers and wardrobe were more normal in comparison—Yudrein had also received his fair share of gifts while serving as the Commander. He rarely bothered to keep so many though, so perhaps these too had some kind of sentimental value he didn't know of.
He went through the items one by one, noting how wide of a network "Yuder" had cultivated. Not only were there gifts from nobles and officials but also from Nelarn and even the Western Mage Union. To think he was friendly with mages here...it really was strange.
And underneath all the other gifts, tucked in a location Yudrein knew he would only put the most important of his possessions, Yudrein found a gaudy box adorned with dozens of lapis lazuli in the typical fashion enjoyed by nobles with too much money to waste. It was something he would never buy for himself, but there must have been a reason he kept it.
Yudrein opened the box...only to find it empty.
An odd sense of dissatisfaction hit him. He really couldn't understand anything these days.
Then, a glint of metal from the corner of his vision caught his attention. Ah, that was something he did recognize.
Yudrein picked up a simple dagger, pleased with the weight being the exact same as he remembered. It was a cheap, disposable weapon, which made it all the harder to trace its owner if it was left behind at a kill. It gave him a strange form of comfort, that maybe there was still a bit of "Yudrein" in the life of "Yuder."
And then, an idea struck him.
There was something he hadn't tried yet, a method he had used before to escape illusions.
Yudrein stabbed the dagger into his palm.
"I leave you alone for one day and this happens!" Enon scolded, wrapping Yudrein's palm with far more force than necessary.
Yudrein only looked at his hand with a vague sense of disappointment that Enon immediately noticed.
"Even if this were an illusion, why would you want to leave a happy dream for a nightmare? Is there something you are desperately trying to return for?"
There wasn't.
Yudrein had nothing to return to. He had lost his position and his powers, he was a doomed man scheduled for execution.
But, at the very least, that life felt like it was his. This world...he accepted now that it was real. It was too elaborate to be an illusion. But his life here, it all felt unearned. Like he was intruding on something he shouldn't be.
He didn't trust himself to touch such a precious thing.
Nathan Zuckerman was assigned to keep an eye on Yuder Ail, and from that he immediately understood that his lord was avoiding the other man. It was an unusual show of cowardice, but Nathan didn't question it.
He knew more about the situation than most others. He knew that in this Yuder's memories, Kishiar la Orr was dead and long gone, making their relationship quite awkward. For a second, he wondered how he would appear in those memories. Despite preparing for it for so long, he still couldn't imagine what he would do after Kishiar's death.
Would he end up like the one in front of him, a cold corpse-like shell of a man?
Nathan had never thought Yuder to be very expressive, but the absence of Yuder's usual reactions was noticeable even to him. This Yuder did not soften at the clumsy approach of the younger members and never lowered his shoulders in the presence of others. He was always on guard, always assessing people as possible threats and not as possible companions.
He should be wary of this new Yuder, whose motives were still unknown to him, but he could only feel sorry.
It was unsustainable, living like that. Never letting yourself trust anyone.
It made even him, someone who rarely cared to intervene in the affairs of others, want to help. This wasn't something he was proficient at, but he just happened to know exactly who Yuder needed right now.
He tapped on Yuder's bedside table, just enough to get his attention.
"Let's take a walk."
Miraculously, Enon gave permission for Yudrein to go out despite threatening to lock up Yudrein just a day ago. Maybe he had gotten tired of seeing Yudrein stay still as a statue in his bed ever since the last incident, or maybe Nathan Zuckerman just had a unique air of reliability that even Enon couldn't resist.
Whatever it was, Yudrein didn't particularly care. He was more curious about Nathan's reasons for calling him out for a walk.
Nathan Zuckerman rarely took actions on his own, but he had told Yudrein that this wasn't an order from Kishiar.
"There's something you should see."
When it became apparent that destination was the training ground, Yudrein started to wonder if Nathan had decided to fight him for some unknown transgression as they had in the past. But as they approached, it became obvious that the training ground was already occupied. Was this what Nathan wanted to show him?
Dozens of Arcane Legion members were launching attacks against a figure moving so fast a regular person would have trouble following.
It was Kishiar.
He was using his powers to effortlessly divert attacks and throw back his own, making efficient use of both his abilities and movement. It was only when he noticed Yudrein that he slipped up and let a few attacks get too close. Surrounded, he made a quick split second decision. Kishiar drew his sword and used an overwhelming aura to crush all the other powers around him.
"Ahh, we just can't win," a member lamented, dropping to the ground after that last display.
"We're improving! We got the Commander to use his sword this time!"
"Nah, wasn't the Commander just trying to show off in front of Yuder?"
The last comment drew everyone's attention toward Yudrein, but Kishiar quickly stepped in front of him. "You all did well, take a rest. I'll be going now."
And then, turning to Yudrein and Nathan, he asked, "What brings you two here? Will a certain pharmacist be chasing us soon?"
"No, we had permission to go for a walk," Nathan answered. "I thought he might have enjoyed watching the practice."
"Oh? How was it?"
Yudrein nodded, indicating that the fight was indeed worth watching. He rarely had a chance to see Kishiar use his powers. Everyone had called him the strongest awakener of his time, but it might have been different had Kishiar lived. It made him wonder, how had he killed Kishiar so easily that day?
Before the usual headache struck him, Kishiar's outstretched hand demanded his attention first.
"Would you like to continue your walk somewhere else?"
The sun was already setting by the time Yudrein and Kishiar left the Arcane Legion's training grounds with Nathan staying behind to inform Enon about the situation. The route they took was long-winded, designed to avoid the crowds by taking back alleys and rooftops. Yudrein had given up guessing the destination and chose to stare at Kishiar over their surroundings.
He hadn't seen the man in nearly three days, but it wasn't anything strange. Kishiar had always entered and left Yudrein's life as he pleased.
Kishiar looked particularly lively today, radiating a boyish charm as he expertly led them through the streets he knew like the back of his hand. He told Yudrein stories of his childhood antics roaming these same alleys, ducking his supervision in chase of adventures. He learned more about Kishiar's childhood in the last thirty minutes than he had in his previous thirty years of life.
This Kishiar was so open and willing to share anything and everything that Yudrein wished he could speak to ask why. Why the Kishiar of his past never did the same, only dodging Yudrein's questions every time.
As they approached their final destination, Kishiar started telling another story.
"When I gained the title of Duke Peletta, I tried to let go of my ambitions and expectations. The title was a death sentence in its own way."
It was a story beyond Yudrein's expectations. A deeply personal and taboo story about a vessel problem haunting the supposedly perfect imperial bloodline, barely hidden over the last century through the exile of the imperfect victims.
"But I didn't die. I awakened and formed the Arcane Legion. I had a future once again. Still, a part of me had gotten used to others having no expectations of me."
In front of them now was a broad wall filled with numerous sword marks and accompanying names. Prominent among them were two particularly wide slashes that stretched so far he couldn't tell which was longer. He recognized the lower one as the Emperor's Sword Mark, but the other...
Kishiar smiled as he touched the top mark.
"So I was happy when you told me you wanted to see how my mark would measure on this wall. You always had such an unwavering faith in my abilities that I can't help but want to do my best to live up to your expectations."
It was an amazing accomplishment. No one could have done it other than Kishiar, and that thought filled him with an honest admiration.
Kishiar burst out laughing, then apologized before explaining, "The way you were looking at me just now...it's the exact same as when you first saw this."
Yudrein had always admired Kishiar la Orr; perhaps this was the one thing that would stay the same in all timelines. Strangely, this realization comforted him.
He could see now how they had fallen into a relationship again. It was never the heat cycle that had started their relationship. It had always been this underlying, mutual fascination in each other that connected them.
Kishiar reached out to take his hand again, this time slowly and carefully, giving Yudrein plenty of time to move should he not want the contact.
Yudrein found himself reaching forward rather than pulling away.
Soft lips brushed the back of his hand, then moved to kiss each of his fingertips. It was achingly tender, shaking Yudrein's heart in ways it had never experienced.
"Yuder...will you believe me? The only one for me has always been you."
A warmth different from divine power spread from Yudrein's fingers to every single bone of his body.
He flipped over Kishiar's hand that was holding his and drew a circle.
Yudrein Ail went to sleep that night in Kishiar's arms. The next day, Yuder Ail woke from a long nightmare.