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This is Bucky’s first real Christmas alone. Sure, there were Christmases with Hydra. Those were far from joyous but at the very least he had people around him discussing their Christmas plans. Today, sitting alone in his bare apartment on Christmas eve, Bucky notes the complete lack of festivity. He hadn’t bothered putting up a tree as the only person who comes inside his apartment is himself. There aren't any presents as there are no friends to give gifts to. Tomorrow Bucky will wake up to an empty apartment as he has every other day, and he will continue to accept his new lonely life.
A few days ago when Bucky was out shopping, he found that Steve’s pal Sam had invaded his thoughts a few too many times. Bucky and Sam are not friends, as much as he is sure Steve had hoped, Bucky hadn’t bothered sustaining that connection. As the seconds tick by and Christmas creeps closer, he is starting to wish he had. Sam isn’t Steve but at least he’s somebody.
Any hopes of possible comradery fleeted when Sam gave away Steve’s shield. Bucky has every right to not like him, he barely even knows the guy. Bucky does like Sam though, there’s far too many feelings running through his brain to unscramble but he knows there’s something about Sam that’s making it impossible to get him out of his head. There’s feelings he hasn’t felt in decades, not since before the war. In the silence of the night it’s hard to quiet the many thoughts dancing around his head, all singing different tunes, all with the same topic, Sam.
In a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, bring some joy to the desolate apartment, Bucky puts some Christmas music on and brings out his bottle of whisky he’s been slowly getting through. The bottle was a gift from Sam for when Bucky was legally allowed back into the country, it was well intentioned but unfortunately only serves as a reminder to how lonely he is. Bucky doesn’t get drunk from alcohol anymore, so the bottle has been opened two times in the past year, both were just Bucky drinking it for the taste. Bucky isn’t a big fan of the taste of whisky so the bottle looks just as full as when he was given it.
The whisky does help him feel a little less alone. Bucky considers, for a second, calling Sam. He does have Sam’s number saved on his flip phone but Bucky doesn’t know what he’d say. Being honest would make him sound pathetic, and maybe that means he is but he doesn’t want Sam knowing that. The other option, lying to Sam, sounds a whole lot worse. Bucky wants Sam to like him, he doesn’t want Sam to like a fake him. Bucky has lived far too many lives and gone by too many false identities, for once he wants to be known, truly known.
Bucky certainly isn’t the same man Steve knew, that Bucky died with Steve. Maybe Sam could get to know the new Bucky, maybe he’d like that. Maybe Sam would like Bucky. Or maybe Sam will hate Bucky and never want to talk again but he gave Bucky his number so surely that means he is okay with Bucky using it.
Before Bucky can convince himself otherwise, he grabs his phone out and rings Sam’s number. He then begins to worry if he should have texted instead but before he goes to hang up, Sam answers.
“Hello? Who is this?” Sam asks, his voice not as smooth as usual due to the phone’s shit speakers but still unforgettably his.
“It’s me, Bucky.” He doesn’t know what else to say really, he hadn’t expected Sam to even pick up so he hadn’t planned ahead. Not that he did much planning at all of course.
Luckily it seems Sam doesn’t need Bucky to have a reason as he seems pretty happy to hear it’s Bucky who’s called. “Oh Bucky, I’m so glad you called, I have been meaning to invite you to Christmas with my family but everything got very hectic. If it’s too late notice or you’ve already got plans I totally get that but would you be interested in coming over to my sister’s place in Louisiana tomorrow? I’m guessing you’re still in your Brooklyn apartment so really you’d have to drive all night to get here on time or you could try watching a plane but this late notice on Christmas eve. I’m sorry man, I really should have let you know sooner, I just didn’t know if you’d want to, I still don’t know if you’d want to ‘cause I haven’t let you speak, maybe you’ve already got plans. Sorry, I’ll let you speak.”
After Sam’s whole ass speech, Bucky is silent for a moment before replying. “I don’t have anything on, I could make the drive. I probably won’t be able to bring any presents, or food, maybe I could pick something up on the way.”
“Really?” Sam responds instantly, “You’ll come down? You really don’t have to Bucky, I should have invited you sooner, given you a chance to come down a few days before and get settled in or something. I’ll send you the address, and I’ll let the kids know you’re coming. They never got to meet Steve so they’ve been really wanting to see you so they can meet a ‘real superhero’. They say I can’t be a real superhero ‘cause I’m their uncle, little bastards.”
“I look forward to meeting them, though I’m not too good with kids.” To be honest, Bucky doesn’t know how he is with kids. He knows the last interactions he’s had with kids were probably either killing them or their parents so probably not great.
“Nonsense, they’ll love you, like how cats love people who hate cats, they’ll be all over you. Again I’m really glad you’re coming Bucky, and I’m sorry for it being on such late notice.”
They wrap up the call and Bucky packs a bag with all the stuff he needs for the trip, which is very little. The cold weather makes Bucky consider buying a car for once but really he has no need for a car, it’d only bring him some comfort during the winter months. He’s used to the cold, he’ll cope.
After a quick dinner he sets off at 6 o’clock, ready for the journey ahead of him. Bucky is finding it quite difficult to feel like any of this is real. Under an hour ago he was sitting alone in his apartment with no plans for Christmas, and now he is driving across half the country to go to a ‘family Christmas party’. Not only that, Sam was already thinking of inviting him. Sam was thinking of him.
Bucky’s mind keeps thinking about Sam, his voice, his laugh, his smile. It is hard to ignore the thoughts and more so feelings now. When Sam was just a memory, a person Bucky used to talk to, everything was a whole lot easier. But after one talk, all the feelings are back and they’re so much more intense now. Bucky wants Sam. Bucky wants to be with Sam. That is terrifying.
After that frightening realisation Bucky decides to stop thinking about his feelings for Sam. Thankfully his brain allows him a break from the madness. He instead considers what he should bring to the party. There won’t be much open on Christmas day, maybe a grocery store, but gift shopping would be difficult. He could bring a dish to share but he’s left home now so it wouldn’t be home made. Showing up with nothing is not an option though.
Flowers. He could bring flowers. The thought hits him like a truck and refuses to leave. Flowers are romantic, he’s not going to give Sam flowers. Would Sam want flowers? Does he like flowers? Bucky doesn’t even know his favourite flower.
Suddenly Bucky feels ashamed for wanting to give Sam flowers. They’re friends, barely even that, he shouldn’t be making romantic advances. Does Sam even like men?
Bucky is mostly unsuccessful in avoiding thoughts of Sam until morning comes and most of his thoughts are about food and being hungry. Not the most pleasant line of thoughts but it’s some much needed variety. He still has a ways to go before he reaches his destination so he stops in at a diner. He’s decided that he likes pancakes, he’s had to make an effort to learn what he likes and what he doesn’t. Pancakes was one of the first things he learnt that he likes.
He eats his breakfast and is back on the road with a somewhat unreasonable haste. The Christmas party starts around 4 but Sam said he was welcome to come as early or late as he’d like. Bucky would like to be early.
Despite his previous dismissal of the idea, and the fact it may make him less early, Bucky decides to stop in at a florist for some flowers. He wasn’t planning on it but he sees the little shop in one of the small towns he drives through. There’s a little chalkboard sign out front that says “Open Until 12”. It just so happens to be before twelve. Bucky can’t just pass up such a clear sign from the universe.
So Bucky parks his motorbike and heads into the flower shop. It’s cozy, a bit cramped, the array of flowers is impressive for it being winter. There’s a sweet looking old lady at the counter, who greets Bucky with a warm smile.
“Could I have some flowers, please.” This whole spontaneity thing is leading to some really awkward conversations. Maybe if Bucky knew Sam’s favourite flowers it’d be easier. He doesn’t want to get roses 'cause those are a bit too obvious, but he wants to get something nice.
“Of course you can darlin, that’s pretty much all we do here, got any idea what you’re looking for?” The shop keeper responds in a friendly tone. Bucky doesn’t really want to admit he has no clue what kind of flowers the person would like so he goes with his favourite flower, the peony.
The florist guides him to the bouquets with peonies and Bucky picks out one that he thinks Sam would like. It’s surprisingly cheap considering the time of year, so Bucky decides to ignore the price and hand her some extra 20s that luckily go unnoticed. He waves goodbye to the lady as he’s leaving the store and hops back on his bike.
Finally he makes it to Delacroix, Louisiana. He’s real damn tired at this point but it is so worth it. He’ll make the trip a thousand times over if it means seeing Sam. God he is head over heels for this man.
He parks in front of the house that Sam gave him the address of and he makes his way up to the front door. He can already hear the sounds of children running around the house and a woman, probably Sam’s sister, shouting at them. He knocks on the door, hard enough to hopefully be heard, not too hard as to knock down the door, as happens sometimes.
The door opens and a frazzled looking Sam is on the other side of it. Sam smiles upon seeing Bucky. The smile spreads a warmness through Bucky he hasn’t felt in a long time. Bucky feels wanted, Bucky will not be alone this Christmas.
"Merry Christmas, Sam"