Chapter Text
If you'd told Spamton he'd be chasing after Tenna all these years later, he'd deny it, and fire you, and build a new electric billboard saying how worthless CRT's are, just to prove his point.
And then, he'd ask, hypothetically, if you knew where to find Tenna. Just in case.
Spamton G Spamton was the ruler of ADWorld, the man everyone scrambled to obey. He didn't care about anyone or anything. And when he wanted something, he would always, always get it - by any means necessary.
And if that led him to the regrettably-rebranded Love Dojo, lurking at a table in the corner and scowling at anyone who looked his way, then so be it.
The kids were alarmingly good at fighting. Hell, Spamton knew those 'video games cause violence' headlines were all clickbait, but he couldn't help thinking of them when Susie parried another shot with her axe. Rude Buster exploded from her weapon, and it seemed like everyone in the dojo cheered when it collided with Lanino.
Ugh. Spamton fixed his sunglasses, sinking further into his seat with a grunt, and tried to stay inconspicuous. The sooner this fight ended, the sooner he could get out of this ridiculous place.
Nevermind that he kept imagining himself and Tenna in here. Nevermind that he could already imagine the sappy CRT's reaction to the lovey dovey music, the way he'd coo at the couples, the decorations-
No, no, no. He wouldn't get distracted now. Not before he got what he came here for.
Tenna said that the kids needed him, for their battles. Everyone in town knew the Lightners came every day to practice their moves.
Ergo, here was Spamton, scoping out the roadblock in his plans.
The goat kid threw up his scarf and the blue kid raised a glowing shield, both falling back as Susie lunged ahead through the hailstorm of bullets. She was much faster than she appeared, a factoid that pissed Spamton off during his own boss fight.
Out of the blue, Elnina snapped her wand to the left, summoning a crystal in Susie's blind spot. Despite himself, Spamton leaned forward, watching the rock hurtle towards her-
Just before it reached her, Susie vanished.
Oh! Spamton shoved his glasses up into his hair, eyes widened in shock. That was the move! The one Tenna used to-
In a flash, she appeared back in line behind Kris. She caught her balance with a laugh, reaching up to the tie around her forehead.
The glass in Spamton's hand creaked ominously as Susie fixed her bandana, claws scratching across the yellow-pink fabric affectionately. "Thanks for the save, man," she said, and laughed again when the tie blew her hair back in a sudden, hero-movie-esque wind.
That was Tenna, alright.
To no one's surprise, the kids made quick work of the couple after that. Spamton wouldn't pretend he wasn't glad to see his least favorite duo get their just desserts, but it also meant the brats wouldn't stick around much longer. Who knew when the next dark fountain would open and whisk them away.
And if they left, then so did their items. Spamton couldn't let that happen.
So when Kris and Ralsei turned to collect their winnings, Spamton saw his opening.
"Hey kid!" Spamton said, sliding in front of Susie. She had just finished putting away her axe, but her gaze narrowed the way she did on her turn in battle as he went on, "I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse." He grinned, all bottom teeth, and threw his arms out with a flourish. "Literally!"
Susie stared for a moment, tilting her head slowly. He could feel her sizing him up, comparing his towering hologram form to the regular height before her now.
Finally she huffed, folded her arms, and demanded, "Are we gonna have to kick your ass again?"
Spamton cheerfully ignored the bolt of alarm that shot through him. "Oh no, nothing like that," he said, grin straining with new tension. "I'm here to make you the deal of a lifetime!"
Her unimpressed stare didn't ease. Honestly, this was getting outrageous. What kind of businessman would he be if he...
Abruptly, he remembered that he'd made a very similar remark before the last battle in ADWorld, wherein the little brats did, in fact, kick his ass. Whoops.
"Aw, cmon, don't be like that!" He waved a hand dismissively, hoping the sweat beading on his brow wasn't visible yet. There was still time to salvage this negotiation "This time it's real! All I want is to buy something from you. Easy as that!"
This time, her snout crinkled not from distrust, but confusion. He could see it in the way she glanced between him and Kris, who was still silently haggling with the puzzle pieces running the counter. "Riiiight," she said, unconvinced. "So what the hell are you asking me for? I don't have anything to sell."
"I disagree!" he said. With a touch of his ad revenue flair, Spamton summoned a few pop-ups to highlight bandanas and headbands. "You see, I've noticed your headgear is sporting my style. And while normally I'd kick up a fuss about copyright infringement, today's your lucky day!"
Despite the recent battle fresh in his mind, and despite his chances of winning outside his ADWorld realm, Spamton leaned closer, letting his threatening smile speak for himself. "I'll just take it off your hands, instead."
Mistake one: threatening the most aggressive member of the party. Whereas Ralsei might have balked, or Kris would offer indifference, Susie only bared her teeth and met him halfway.
Mistake two: confronting her inside the fighting dojo, where no one batted an eye as the fighting interface popped into existence between them.
And mistake number three, biggest of all: staying in melee range.
Before he could so much as backpedal, Susie's hand shot out to snatch his collar, dragging him down a foot or so to her height. In her other hand, materializing out of nowhere, was an axe he definitely overcharged her for.
Which, regrettably, meant he knew just how sharp it was.
"Tenna's not for sale," Susie snarled, low and furious, "and he's not going with you. Not after what you did." Her grip tightened, to the point that her claws ripped the fabric. "After your date went wrong, he won't even come out anymore. And it's all. Your. Fault."
Shit. He didn't even have the presence of mind to correct her about the 'date' - all he could focus on was the words being spat at him, his litany of mistakes flung back in his face.
How many times would Tenna run away from him? How many times would Spamton let him go? How hard would Spamton have to hold him, just to make Tenna stay?
What if... Tenna didn't want to stay at all?
All of a sudden, a burst of light exploded between them. Spamton jolted in surprise, but Susie acted faster, diving to catch something midair-
Tenna. His arms scrabbling for a better hold on his head, his busted legs flailing for balance. Susie didn't seem phased by this at all; if anything, she scooped him up "Damn it, Tenna, you gotta warn me before you do that," she complained, lifting him to sit on her shoulder. "One of these days I won't catch you, asshole."
Spamton had done the sensible thing and retreated the moment she let go, but now he fought the urge to step closer. Patience had never been his strong suit, and he'd hardly start now.
"Ant," Spamton started, and snapped his mouth shut when Susie pinned him with a withering glare.
To his shock, though, it was Tenna who spoke.
"Don't hurt him," he said, voice soft. The echoes of buzzing underlined the words, same as they had in the cafe earlier in the week. "S'not his fault."
"Sure as hell seems like it was," Susie shot back. She offered one hand to him, and let Tenna climb on himself. When Spamton risked another inch closer, she gave him a hard look and said pointedly, "He doesn't like being grabbed."
Ugh. The potshots to his ego were getting old. "Noted," Spamton bit out, folding his arms. Embarrassingly, he had yet to really look away from Tenna, and it took everything in him to drag his eyes back to Susie's scowl. "Look, I just... need to borrow him. I can make it worth your time. Name your price."
Tenna's tiny jaw dropped. After a beat, Susie's eyebrows rose nearly to her hairline in matching disbelief.
A muscle in his jaw ticked in annoyance. Was it really that unbelievable? He was rich, damnit, and even though he refused to pay a penny more than he had to for anything else, this was... different.
After another handful of agonizingly silent moments, Susie glanced down to the CRT in her hands. "Your call, man," she said. "Just gimme the word, and I'll kick his ass."
Tenna giggled, the sound overlaid with a tinny laugh track from some sitcom or another. "Thanks, Susie," he said, and leaned into her fingers. Spamton firmly swallowed down a wave of burning jealousy, hoping his hands didn't twitch with the urge to snatch Tenna away from her.
His questionable self control was rewarded when Tenna pulled back and glanced in the Addison's direction. He only hesitated for a moment before relenting, "Just a quick talk, okay?"
Half of Spamton's business model was to act fast, before the buyer realized they'd been scammed.
So he didn't hesitate - in an instant, he darted forward, cupped Tenna in his hands, and bolted for the exit. "Thanks, kid!" he called over his shoulder, to her storm of cursing. "Pleasure doing business with you!"
He burst onto the streets of Castletown in a dead run. He didn't care what anyone thought of him; he had much more pressing topics on his mind. And, for that matter, in his hands. He was half-giddy with the thought of it, holding his impromptu passenger tight.
A quick talk? With no specified time limits, or locations, or outcomes? Not even a cover charge for the whole thing? This has to be the worst-negotiated deal of their entire partnership. Really, Tenna should have known better.
If he couldn't make this work, his name wasn't Spamton G Spamton.