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Like most things, it started as a joke; a sarcastic comment made by Chim.
It was a barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s, a housewarming and reunion of sorts after nearly losing their Captain. Buck had been talking to Eddie when he was nearly knocked off-balance by an excited Jee running into his legs, clinging and giggling.
“Uncle Buck!”
“Hey sweetheart,” he smiled back at her, voice soft as he bent down to scoop her into his arms.
Eddie ignored the way his stomach swooped, or the way his heart skipped a beat, traitorous images of them younger and Buck picking up Chris like it was nothing. The only difference was the way he kissed the little girl’s temple, easy and familiar.
“Where are your Mom and Dad?”
“Over there.” Jee pointed back towards the doorway, where Maddie and Chim were waylaid by Karen and Hen, both women cooing over the bundle in Maddie’s arms.
Buck looked over at Eddie, smiling. “Coming?”
Eddie gave a nod, his hand on Buck’s back as they moved through the room towards the new parents and baby Robbie. Buck greeted his sister with a kiss to the cheek, and leaned down to do the same to Robbie’s forehead. It was sweet, easy, until Chim let out a huff of a laugh.
“What, nothing for your favourite brother-in-law?”
“Aww, Chim, I didn’t know you cared.” Buck teased, before kissing his cheek with a dramatic MWAH. Jee giggled in his arms, and Eddie met Maddie’s eyes, both of them shaking their heads in commiseration.
Little did Eddie know that that was the beginning of the end.
-
Here was the long and short of it: Eddie loved Buck. Was in love with him.
The realization came when Buck sublet his place as Freddy Fakeman, and had stuck with him throughout his time in El Paso. The consistent FaceTimes, texting and phone calls. The parenting advice, the way they’d cook together but separate, watch the same movie and Buck keep up a running commentary. It was easy, and maybe it wasn’t exactly everything Eddie wanted, but it was enough.
Then there was the scare with the lab, and Eddie had gone running back to L.A.; he said it was for the team, the 118 family, but he knew it was for Buck. To keep him from spiralling, somehow making it his fault when it was a freak accident with an unsanctioned virus. He had even brought Christopher with him, knowing Buck’s weakness and the love he had for his son.
Living together had been the easy solution, especially as Eddie settled back into the 118 and Chris back at his old school. Buck had adjusted to the new routine with a smile, their calendar now shared on Google between the three of them in order to keep track of their comings and goings.
Needless to say, everything was going great.
Or so Eddie thought.
-
The next time it happened, they were at the station in the loft. It was downtime between calls, Eddie and Hen at the table competing to see who could solve the same crossword puzzle first. Buck was in the kitchen with Bobby, a kettle heating up on the stove while the duo worked on chopping ingredients for dinner.
“Did you get 5 across?” Hen asked, her eyes not leaving her puzzle.
Eddie chuckled. “Like I’d help the enemy.”
Buck appeared just then, two mugs in his hands. He placed one in front of Eddie, but was peering over Hen’s shoulder, eyebrows furrowed. “Yuletide. Five across is Yuletide.”
Hen smiled up at him. “That fits. Thanks Buck.”
“Anytime.” He kissed her temple before heading back to the kitchen, giving Eddie’s shoulder a squeeze on the way past.
He scribbled down the answer as well, trying not to dwell on the easy affection Buck was doling out and failing.
-
It kept happening.
Buck greeted people with a peck to the cheek or to the temple, and would say goodbye in the same way. He would give exaggerated kisses to Ravi and Chim, mostly to annoy them, but would get a pleased little smile afterwards. He’d kiss Chris’s forehead before bed, and while the teenager would complain loudly, Eddie saw the fondness there too.
For weeks, the 118 and their families were the recipients of Buck’s kisses, his affection easy and open. And Eddie would watch, at first with a dopey smile at his best friend being his ridiculous, loveable self. Buck looked so happy and free like that; how could Eddie not feel sappy about it.
But the longer it went on, the more the smile would start to slip and his eyebrows would start to furrow. Because he was the only one who was not on the receiving end of Buck’s kisses. Even Bobby had been given a couple of pecks to the cheek (mostly out of excitement, like when Buck got something right while cooking) but Eddie had gotten nothing.
-
Naturally, it came to a head out of frustration and jealousy.
They were alone together at the house, Chris gone out with some friends. Eddie was taking care of the laundry while Buck puttered round the kitchen, making a list of things they needed at the grocery store while double checking with Eddie. It was domestic, and something in him was content with the normalcy of it.
“Can you think of anything else?” Buck called from the kitchen.
Eddie smiled, moving clothes from the dryer into a basket. “Can you pick up laundry detergent?”
“Sure thing.”
Eddie went into the kitchen to find Buck folding the list and sticking it in his pocket, his smile wide and infectious. He thought of the other times he’d smile like that, after kissing the other members of the 118, laughing when it got a rise out of Ravi or Chim. It made something churn in the pit of his stomach as he thought about being left out.
He crossed the kitchen to stand in front of Buck, his hands reaching up to cup his face. The last thing his mind registered was the way bright blue eyes widened in surprise, before he was kissing Buck, lips against lips. It objectively wasn’t a great kiss, but it settled something in Eddie. It felt significant, like finally coming home.
He pulled back, the kiss only lasting maybe three seconds, to see the way that Buck was still staring at him. Something like guilt replaced the jealousy, settling in his stomach as he realized that he kissed Buck; Buck, who was still unresponsive.
With a fragile smile, he squeezed Buck’s arm. “Have fun.”
He retreated from the kitchen, stalking through the living room and down the hall to the bathroom. The lock clicked into place, and he gripped the edge of the sink, hanging his head between hunched shoulders.
He expected panic, for his breathing to become erratic, his chest to constrict, an attack to his mind and body. Instead, his breathing remained even, his chest pain-free. There was no panic, no overwhelming sense of dread, and careful examination of the guilt showed that it was because he ambushed Buck, not because of the kiss itself.
But how was he supposed to explain himself to Buck? Hey, I kissed you because you keep kissing everyone but me? It sounded insane and jealous.
Before he could work out what he was going to say, there was a hesitant knock on the bathroom door followed by an even more timid “Eddie? You okay in there?”
“Y-yeah. I’m fine.”
“Can we… talk about it?”
“I’m… yeah, okay.”
Nervously, he unlocked the door before carefully opening the door, coming face to face with Buck. The desire to drop his gaze was strong, but he kept his head up, meeting brilliant blue eyes with his own. There was a wariness on his features that he knew was his fault, and he was opening his mouth to apologize when Buck spoke first.
“You kissed me.” A nod. “On purpose?”
Eddie chuckled, just a breathy exhale, but felt himself relax. “Yeah. I was going a bit crazy the last few weeks.”
Buck’s brows furrowed, the corners of his mouth downturned. “What, why?”
“You were kissing everyone but me.” Eddie shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant and sure he was failing. “It finally got to me, I guess.”
“Yeah, but why?”
Reaching out was the easiest thing he’d ever done, tangling his fingers in Buck’s. He watched as blue eyes left his face to look at their hands before looking back up, expression no longer wary or confused, but hopeful.
“I love you, Buck. Have loved you for a while now. And seeing you be so open and affectionate with everyone but me was a lot. I wanted a part of that for myself.”
The smile on Buck’s face was blinding, and Eddie couldn’t look away. “You just had to ask, Eds. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, so that’s why I never kissed you.”
“Well, you should. Kiss me, I mean, and just me.”
Buck leaned down, his breath puffing over Eddie’s lips. “Yeah, okay.”
-
They never got around to the groceries.