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Dan Heng does not say "I love you".
Why would he?
Instead he says things like: "You are a Nameless now", and "Any questions, just ask" and "The Archives is not a place for chit-chat". Stelle goes into the Archives anyway, and spends night after night just reading up on Aeons and paths and weird things called Warp Trotters. Dan Heng never kicks her out.
It's on one of these days that she walks into the Archives, hesitating a little at the door. Before she even has a chance to knock, Dan Heng is saying "Come in." and the door gently opens with a sigh.
Stelle stands in the doorway, just leaning against the doorframe. A part of her doesn't want to intrude, even though she's been on the Express for two weeks now and no-one has ever said anything about her roaming the different carriages.
Dan Heng, as usual, is sitting in his chair, hair messy around his eyes and hands smudged with ink. He's been working on finishing some formal documents off to file to the Space Station — stuff about the Antimatter Legion invasion, Stelle supposes — but it's taking him a while.
He turns around when he notices she hasn't moved.
"Did you need anything?"
Stelle's heart stutters in her chest. It always does when she meets the eyes of the Astral Express' very own Guard — a man with a stern set to his mouth and bags under his eyes and a protectiveness she's seen peeking out here and there.
She wants to bash her head against the wall (no, that is not an overreaction, it's a perfectly normal response to all this).
This crush of hers is the last thing she needs while she's still trying to sort out her complicated feelings regarding… well, everything. Kafka, the Antimatter Legion, the damned bomb in her chest. And, of course, the Nameless.
Dan Heng.
(Dan Heng does not say "I love you", but Stelle wishes he would.)
I mean… he had tried to kiss me back when we first met! Stelle grumbles. No wonder I'm feeling this way.
Instead of voicing any of these concerns out loud, she says: "What you working on?"
Dan Heng grimaces, and turns back to his papers. She takes that as an invitation to walk in and stand behind him, peering over his shoulder.
He smells of ink and eucalyptus.
"You, actually," Dan Heng tells her. She blinks. "Every Nameless that joins the Express has to submit formal documents to the IPC — tax reasons, it's boring work — denoting their legal head of faction and date of inauguration."
In the cosy darkness of the Archives, Stelle thinks she can almost make out his smile. Or maybe it's just a trick of the light.
"Normally, a member of a faction has to submit their names, ages, species, home planet and so on. But the Nameless, thanks to their very creed of being stellar nomads, are exempt from such customs. All we have to submit is the name of our Navigator: Himeko, a few dates and…"
Here, Dan Heng frowns. Stelle walks around and hoists herself onto his desk, so she can get a better view. His eyes flicker to her for a second, and then look down.
"…additional information."
Stelle stays quiet.
Inwardly she thinks: Why can't he just leave it blank?
And then Dan Heng's eyes flicker to her again… or more accurately, to her chest. The place where the thing called the Stellaron resides.
"…oh," Stelle says softly.
"Himeko and Mr. Yang are in disagreement on how to approach the situation. Mr. Yang thinks we should keep quiet, but Himeko is of the opinion that the IPC will find out about your Stellaron anyway. It's pointless to try and keep it a secret. However…"
Suddenly Dan Heng snaps his head up, and fixes Stelle with his quiet gaze. She freezes.
"What do you think?"
"Me?" Stelle asks.
"It's your Stellaron, isn't it?"
Stelle pauses — she hasn't really thought about it like that. Technically it's Herta's Stellaron, though she knows the eccentric genius doesn't want it back anytime soon. If anything, everyone looks kind of glad to have it out of their hands.
Does she want to keep this a secret? She knows Dan Heng is basically asking a different question: "Who do you trust with this? Do you want other people to know that you're a danger?".
She looks into Dan Heng's eyes, and finds she trusts him implicitly. In fact, she trusts that all of the Nameless won't kick her out, or think of her any different because she's got a bomb inside of her. She can't say the same for anyone else.
So she tells Dan Heng: "Leave it blank."
"Are you sure?" he asks, though he's already thumbing the sides of the paper, so he can fold it and send it off.
"I'm sure. I only trust you with the secret of my Stellaron."
He gives her a strange look. Stelle runs over what she's just said and then cringes internally.
"You as in the Nameless! Not you specifically! I mean, not that I wouldn't trust you, as in just you, with a secret like this but—"
"Stelle," Dan Heng says, huffing out a laugh. He slips the paper into an envelope and seals in with a wax stamp. "I understand."
Her cheeks burning with embarrassment, Stelle looks away. She wills her traitorous mouth to stop smiling, in case Dan Heng sees.
They sit in companionable silence, as Dan Heng finishes up. Stelle looks at the water flowing underneath Dan Heng's bed and smiles. For someone who's really meticulous about his beloved Archives, he doesn't even fold his covers.
Stelle has a stupid little crush on the Archivist of the Astral Express. She's determined to not let him find out.
"Have you read up about the term 'memoria' yet?" Dan Heng asks.
"Nope," Stelle tells him, smiling.
"Don't worry. I put aside some documents for you. Here, I think I left them on this shelf…"
Dan Heng does not say "I love you".
Instead he says "Watch out!" and "Get behind me" and—
"Duck!"
A hand grabs Stelle's head and shoves her down to the ground, right as a bullet narrowly whizzes past her ear. Dan Heng snaps his head towards the IPC envoys they've just been exchanging supplies with, who are looking just as confused as they are.
"Who the hell is shooting at us?" Stelle shouts, dropping her cargo and bringing out her lance. She curses — the shield is great when it comes to regular handheld weapons, but projectiles are another thing entirely.
The IPC envoy says something she doesn't catch, and then a bullet rips through his chest and he slumps to the ground. Dan Heng flinches, and then grabs her hand.
"The trees," he says quickly, and then sprints with her to the line of trees that quickly morph into woodland. Bullets fire at them, one after the other, and the IPC soldiers fall one by one.
Her shield cracks as another bullet slams against the fiery lance. Stelle grunts out a curse — running and defending is incredibly hard.
She's slowing them down.
Dan Heng doesn't hesitate. In one fluid movement, he crouches down and carries her bridal style, while she throws up another shield to protect them. Stelle doesn't even have time to process that she's in Dan Heng's arms right now, because she's too busy making sure they both don't get shot.
"Keep running!" she yells, straining to keep the shield secure.
"I'll try and shake them off!"
She sees their pursuers now — faceless black shadows wearing cloaks that shimmer in the sunset.
"Bounty Hunters!" she yells, as Dan Heng runs into the trees. The atmosphere drops two notches colder, as he skids on the mud and ducks and weaves behind the trunks.
Stelle's strength gives out just as Dan Heng sharply turns again; his foot slips and they tumble to the ground. She hisses out a shout as the heat of her lance draws just a bit too close, and instantly Dan Heng is throwing her weapon away and covering her mouth with a hand.
The dull thump of her lance on the forest floor is followed by a quick spray of bullets. Stelle gasps — that could've been her.
"Quiet," Dan Heng whispers, pressing her into the hollow of a thick tree. Distantly, a part of Stelle realises that he's using his body to shield her own.
I'm the tank, she thinks with a huff, but to be honest, right now she's spent. And he's just thrown her lance away (a distraction, but still), so shields are out of the question.
They just have to stay hidden. Stelle crawls back into the tree's hollow, trying not to shiver at the feel of mould against her back, and makes space for Dan Heng to hide.
It's… seriously cramped in here. Dan Heng's eyes are determinedly looking anywhere but at her.
Stelle doesn't know how long they sit there, uncomfortable in the gloom, avoiding each other's gazes. She can hear the footsteps of the Bounty Hunters, and the thump, thump of Dan Heng's heartbeat in his chest.
She holds her breath.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, there's a litany of curses and then the steps fade away. They wait a few more minutes, just listening to the birdsong and their own stifled breaths, before Dan Heng relaxes and Stelle sighs heavily.
"They're gone?" she asks.
"They're gone," he says.
Suddenly the pose they're in is all Stelle can think about — his knees pressed against hers, both hands braced on either side of her head. Their faces are almost touching. Dan Heng's eyes are lidded, sweat painting his brow, hair falling in front of his eyes.
For half a second, Stelle thinks, fuck it, and leans in imperceptibly—
Suddenly there's a snapping of branches and they both jolt away, Dan Heng summoning his spear to his side.
"There you guys are! I got here as quickly as I could— uh, what are you doing?"
March.
"Nothing," Dan Heng tells her, his voice coming out a little strained. "Hiding. They followed us into the forest."
"Bounty Hunters, right?" March asks. "You're lucky I saw Stelle's spear! I would've missed you guys entirely and probably run right into them by now. C'mon, Himeko's waiting with the Space Anchor."
They both climb out of the tree hollow, and for a second Stelle mourns the loss of contact.
C'mon girl! Get a grip! It's just Dan Heng!
But when has it ever been just Dan Heng?
As they're walking back, she thinks she spots him glancing her way, but by the time she looks at him, he's already determinedly staring straight ahead. Stelle wonders, selfishly, if he would have kissed her then.
Probably not, she thinks with an internal sigh. It's Dan Heng after all. Cold and reserved Archivist extraordinaire.
But the way he'd protected her today… just makes Stelle fall in love a little bit harder.
…not that Dan Heng would notice.
Dan Heng does not say "I love you".
Instead he says "Still awake?" and "Another one?" and "I couldn't fall asleep either".
In the gloom of the Party Car, he sits in his Vidyadhara form on one of the barstools, gripping a hot drink Shush has just made, with more force than is strictly necessary. Stelle slips onto the seat beside him, and asks Shush for the same.
"Would you like to hear a—"
"No," Stelle groans, shushing Shush before the well-meaning, but seriously annoying, robot can continue. She's got the beginnings of a headache right now, and Shush isn't exactly helping.
Dan Heng notices her strained expression.
"Shush," he says quietly. "Why don't you retire for the night. I will take over."
His tail materialises as he stands up, and quickly goes around the counter. Shush protests for only a second, and then shrugs, moving off. Stelle gives it a little wave, and then rests her head on the table.
Dan Heng's tail wraps around a mug — the one with the raccoon painted on the front — as the barista machine whirrs into life. The soft sounds of hot water being poured, of the spoon clinking against the ceramic, of Dan Heng moving quietly around the space, soothes Stelle's racing heart.
She gives him a weak smile as he slides the mug over the counter.
"You'd make a good barista," she says.
"Well, we already have a bartender," he replies, catching her eye.
Stelle swirls the mug with a smile. Hot chocolate — she loves drinking this whenever sleep evades her. And, damn, is she not about to sleep anytime soon.
"What was it this time?" Dan Heng asks, leaning his forearms on the counter. The only thing that could rival the bags under his eyes, are probably her own. They've both not been sleeping well as of late.
After all, being trapped in the Shackling Prison during the Wardance was its own cultivated brand of hell. Stelle's surprised Dan Heng's even in his Vidyadhara form right now, after everything that happened.
"What else?" she says. "The Wardance. I keep dreaming you—"
Her breath hitches and inwardly she curses. She shouldn't even be affected by the Shackling Prison — it was Dan Heng that suffered, not her.
But Stelle can't help but see the image of him, trembling, knees giving out, as they tried to dislodge his spear from the doors of the Shackling Prison and found it wouldn't budge. She'd been too preoccupied by trying to chase after Hoolay, that she hadn't noticed the borisin sneaking up on him until it was almost too late.
He hadn't either.
The moment Hanya called out, she'd spun around and her heart had stuttered. The image still haunts her. Dan Heng, kneeling, both hands braced against the floor as he shuddered and fought to breathe. Borisin claws, an attack aimed straight for his back.
The shout that had left her lips, the bat aimed straight for the borisin's head. For a split-second, Stelle thought she wouldn't make it in time.
It was a miracle that she had.
She'd only just managed to whack the damn thing in the head before it could sink its claws into the still-panicking Dan Heng. Then she'd run straight for it, and smacked it down once again. And again, and again, over and over, until Dan Heng had to pry her bat out of her shaking, bloody hands.
Now in the present, Stelle groans softly, and tries to will the images out of her head.
"If I was just a second late—"
"But you weren't," Dan Heng says firmly. "You weren't Stelle."
"I'm trying to tell myself that but…"
"It doesn't work," Dan Heng finishes. His voice is low, filled with a similar sort of heaviness. "I know. But… that's all we can tell ourselves."
They share an equally exhausted look. Stelle had also almost died in the Shackling Prison — once, when that crate nearly crushed her, twice, when she thought Dan Heng was about to be speared and thrice… when she saw the look on Dan Heng's face. Utter helplessness, and raw fear.
She never wants to see that look on Dan Heng again.
So instead, she cups her mug in her hands and blows gently on the steam, shooting him a crooked smile to lighten the mood. The cocoa is warm and sweet down her throat.
"Yours is getting cold," she teases.
Dan Heng hums. "It's too sweet for me anyway."
"Y'know, for someone who eats a lot, you really are a picky eater."
The fluffy end of Dan Heng's tail whacks her lightly against the shoulder. A light blush dusts his cheeks.
"I don't eat that much," Dan Heng lies. "For a Vidyadhara anyway. We have very fast metabolisms.
"I bet you could outeat even me."
"That's not a difficult task," he says with a roll of his eyes. "Didn't you pass out the last time you took part in an eating competition?"
"Wha— huh! How did you know?"
He gives her a deadpan stare. "I carried you home."
Oh yeah! He did.
"Thanks," Stelle says with a grin and Dan Heng's blush only deepens. The night stretches on, and by the time the lights warm to signify the daylight cycle, Stelle's dark mood has lifted entirely.
"Next time," she says, looking over her shoulder from where she washes the mugs, "you're taking part in an eating contest with me."
Dan Heng gives her a small smile.
"I look forward to it."
Dan Heng does not say "I love you".
Instead he says "Have you eaten?" or "I brought enough for both of us" or—
"Hey, not fair!" Stelle interrupts.
"One more for my partner, please," Dan Heng calls out to the vendor.
And then digs in to his 14th bowl.
"We have a strong competition here folks! Our recurring competitor, the 'Galactic Baseballer', is facing off with the great 'Lukewarm Dragon Young!'. Far in the lead is the Dragon himself, five bowls ahead!"
When Stelle goaded Dan Heng into attending an eating contest with her, she hadn't thought he would accept. Even worse, she hadn't thought he'd be good at it!
Dan Heng shoots her a sly look out of the corner of his eye, digging in to his chili oil beef offal stew. Stelle had forgotten how extreme his competitive streak was, thank to the fact that he always seems so unbothered by everything.
He hadn't been lying when he said Vidyadhara's have fast metabolisms. No wonder Bailu can eat so many sweets!
C'mon Stelle! You can do this! Put that ravenous Stellaron to good use! Destroy this bowl like it was meant to be Destroyed.
Only thing is… these noodles are way too spicy for her to handle.
Stelle can't handle spice, much. A few chili flakes here and there are fine, but she's pretty sure this stew is just a concoction brewed in hell. The very steam rising from the bowl threatens to kill her. She's got enough fire in her chest without needing her tongue to be on fire as well.
How the heck is Dan Heng going through the bowls without even a bottle of water? Is he superhuman? It must be all those mugs of Himeko's coffee. This is unfair! She's clearly at a disadvantage here.
"Give up?" Dan Heng asks. Is that a smug look on his face??
"N—no," Stelle grits out, shovelling more noodles into her mouth.
Agh, the spice levels are way too high. Stelle thinks. Oh no… I'm feeling dizzy again.
If she passes out here, again, she'll never be able to live it down. The reputation of the Galactic Baseballer will be forever tarnished. Should she just quit?
But if she quits… then Dan Heng will win! He isn't one to gloat about his victories, but Stelle still can't let that happen. She has to prove she's the competitive eating champion otherwise she won't be able to look him in the eye after this.
Black spots dance in front of her vision. Stelle sways on her feet, but still stubbornly picks up her chopsticks—
"I quit."
"What?!" at least five people shout, Stelle the loudest of them all. Beside her, Dan Heng is quietly wiping his mouth with a napkin, and stepping away from the booth.
There's a hesitant silence.
"…Lukewarm Dragon Young is out?!" cries the vendor. "Which means, by default, the Galactic Baseballer is the winner!"
There's a few confused cheers, but everyone's mostly staring at the retreating Dan Heng, wondering what in the Luofu just happened. Stelle quickly excuses herself (she'll be back for the prize vouchers later) and runs to where Dan Heng has disappeared off to, her mouth still on fire.
When she eventually catches up to him, he's standing next to a vending machine, one can of mung bean soda, and another of plain water, in his hands. He offers the water up to Stelle.
She drinks, relishing the cool taste against her burning tongue, and then wipes her mouth to demand a reason for—
"I didn't want to continue," Dan Heng says simply. It's the worst lie she's ever heard from him.
"You were about to win," Stelle argues.
"And you," he says, opening his can and taking a sip of the disgustingly awful soda, "were about to pass out."
Stelle's mouth clamps shut.
"I know how stubborn you are," he says. "You wouldn't have ended that match. Am I correct?"
Well, he has a point.
"Still," she argues. "It was your win. I concede. You have a bottomless stomach of iron, Master Young Lukewarm Dragon Dan Heng."
He rolls his eyes, but she can see a smile tugging traitorously at his lips.
"To make it up to me," he says. "Let's use those vouchers to get ourselves a proper meal."
"You can still eat?" Stelle exclaims. She thinks she's about to pop.
Dan Heng laughs. "Perhaps not today then. We can go get something sweet for dessert tomorrow."
Stelle grins. Got him.
"I thought you didn't like sweet things."
His ears blush that same pretty shade of pink they always do whenever he's embarrassed.
"It's… nicer, when I'm eating it alongside you."
Dan Heng does not say "I love you".
Instead he says "I would do anything" and "I am you" and "I do".
(Stelle think about the engagement hairpin sitting neatly in their drawer and the wedding ring shining proudly on her finger. How could she have ever thought that Dan Heng didn't love her? He loves her so much, he searched for her for 1000 years).
"My lover," she laments softly as they stand around the table in the kitchen, making breakfast for the others who are yet to wake, "is such a yearner."
"And my lover," Dan Heng retorts, "is a mischievous raccoon."
"And proud of it!"
He smiles, that soft graceful smile she's learnt to treasure throughout her three (and two thousand) years as a Nameless. She bumps hips with him as she lays the table, and he serves up the omelette with a dexterous hand. Out of the two of them, he's definitely the better cook.
She's the better fighter though (no, Stelle is not biased, not at all).
"Yearner husband," Stelle says, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "I'm glad you found me."
Dan Heng walks over to the door, and shouts "Breakfast!" into the adjacent car. When he looks over back at her over his shoulder, his eyes are soft.
"So am I," he says.
For a long time, Stelle did not think Dan Heng was the type of person to ever love someone else. And definitely not someone to ever love her.
After all, Stelle loves like an all-consuming flame, someone who burns bright with her passion and forces everyone else to look her way. She can be quiet, but she can also be ear-splittingly loud with her love. She says "I love you" almost every day — if not through her words, then through every one of her actions.
Dan Heng, on the other hand, loves like waves lapping the shore. It's a constant, consistent love, so quiet it can sometimes be forgotten entirely… until a tidal wave crashes down onto the banks, and Stelle catches a glance of the enormous ocean spanning the horizon.
They're pretty much opposites... but that also makes them a perfect balance to each other.
Stelle didn't realise that Dan Heng was saying "I love you" in every action too. Letting her into the Archives, trusting her with his darkest secrets, asking her to support him, indulging her whenever she drags him into another misadventure. Telling her: "I would commit an unpardonable sin if it was to save you".
It's only once she thinks about it, lying on her back in bed, staring up at the soft lights, that Stelle realises Dan Heng has loved her all along.
Still…
"Hey," Stelle says. "Dan Heng, do you love me?"
Beside her, Dan Heng rolls sleepily so he's facing her, blinking slowly in the gloom.
"Stelle," he mutters, voice rough with sleep. "We're married."
She pokes him in the side and in retaliation, he wraps an arm around her and draws her closer.
"I'm serious!" Stelle says with a laugh. "You barely ever say it."
"Say what?" he yawns.
"What else? I love you—"
She's silenced by Dan Heng kissing her softly, and then withdrawing so he can fix her with that half-lidded gaze she loves so much.
"I love you," says Dan Heng.
It's such a simple truth.
(Dan Heng has said "I love you" again and again and again, in his own, quiet way. Still, Stelle loves the quiet moments like this, where he says the words aloud and lays his heart bare for her to see. Even thought their love may be a burning flame and a drowning flood, both colliding against each other with momentous force, they're still going to love each other until the very end of time).
"I love you so much I searched for you for a millennia, and I would do it again. I love you so much, that every day I have to remind myself that our life is not a dream, and I have been lucky enough to keep loving you. I love you like the moon loves the stars, and like a dragon loves a phoenix, and like a Nameless loves another Nameless."
"Wow," Stelle whispers, her heart thudding with happiness. She shoots him a crooked grin. "All this time, I didn't take you for such a romantic. You could be a poet."
Dan Heng rolls his eyes, and then holds her closer, a wry smile playing on his lips.
"I love you," he says again. "In fact, people could write stories about how much I love you."
"Hah!" Stelle laughs. "What a boring story. Dan Heng loves Stelle. They kiss. The end."
She catches Dan Heng's gaze, three parts exasperation, seven parts adoration.
He says: "What else do we need?"
Stelle looks into his eyes, and finds the answer to that question is… nothing.
In the quiet solitude of their room, they kiss. And Stelle finally gets to say:
"I love you too."