Archive of Our Own

Before you listen, you should know how this was made.

There's a Voiceteam Mystery Box challenge called COMMENTS FIRST, where you are first given comments for an audio fanwork that doesn't exist yet, and then you try to create the fanwork in a way that it fits all those comments.

Here's the request I made:

klb: I'd like to try something. Let's take this text and pretend I recorded it and made the most baffling and weird choices possible the whole time. But you are being nice supportive fellow fans and leaving me comments trying to politely frame my terrible podfic in as positive a light as possible, perhaps while giving me some gentle suggestions along the way. Please leave me those comments so I can recreate the monstrosity of a podfic you are commenting on.

Here are the comments I received:

Ravin: That's an interesting take. Was that a no editing post of a cold read? The Honks were particularly inspired.
nonplussed: wow this was neat! so cool that you're really experimenting with foley!
twtd: You did such a great job with the “glurgs.” They were so…wet.
elrohir: I thought the way you emphasized certain phrases with an enthusiastic "Yay!" was very endearing, even if it caught me off guard the first few times!
ivvic: Loved this! Now, I don’t personally mind sudden changes in volume but I know some folks do and it can be jarring in what was otherwise a touching moment. You might want to watch out for that with future fics. Can’t wait to see what you do next! 💜💜💜
FlyingFalcon: Wow! I love the energy here, but if you ever need pronunciation help, just DM me :)
Freekyflob: I think you've done well with this! I really enjoyed the fic 🙂
I did struggle a little listening to it - I have some auditory processing issues and the mumbling and poor annunciation at times made it hard for me to understand you, but I think that's probably more of a me problem
buries: I really enjoyed your overuse of sampling All I Want for Christmas is You.
contritecactite: Ooh, hearing this in dactylic tetrameter really puts a new spin on it!
chaisicle: This was such a fun listen! I loved how you used the room's acoustics to really emphasize when you were narrating vs when there was dialogue. Hearing it shouted from the other side of the room was really dramatic, even if it did break my immersion a little bit.
Foundbyjohndoe: wow, i've never heard anyone pronounce microphone like that before!!! i really cannot place your accent lol
DevilWithABirdDress: I really admire podficcers who leave in so much environmental noise, it's like a window into your life! Maybe someday I'll be that confident.
pezzax: Wow, you have such an interesting approach to adding tension at the climax of the fic. I've always enjoyed when people leave enough of a pause in their narration for the situation to really sink in, but the way you left that pregnant pause mid word, and for such a long time!, was absolutely unique!
J0305: Wow! Was the objective to mix up every "no follow up questions" challenges from past voiceteam in one fanwork? Because honestly, if that was the case, you nailed it!

And here is the promised monstrosity:

And the text if you'd like to follow along:

'Twas the night before Tiebreak, when all through the server
Voiceteamers were waiting, their eyes lit with fervor;
The tied teams were filling their spreadsheets with care,
In hopes that the Craiglets would all soon be there;
The players were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of victory danced in their heads;
And the mods with their headphones, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a pre-tiebreak nap,
When in the team threads there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter.
Away to my laptop I flew like a bat,
Clicked open the window and scrolled to the chat.
The glow of my screen in the gleam of my eye,
Gave a feeling that something might soon go awry,
When what before my wondering eyes did blink,
But a microphone icon and airtable link,
And a wonderful creature so covered in memes,
I knew that it must be the Spirit of Voiceteam
More rapid than frogmouths its coursers they came,
And it whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Elmo! Now, hedgehogs! Now modgeese! Now, weasels!
"On, space bunnies! Platypus! Hellbenders most evil!
To the top of the channels! To the top of the chat!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash like a cat!"
As bytes that before the wild CPUs fly,
When they meet with a waveform and mount to the sky;
So up to #the-general-chat they all flew
With their hats full of fics and the Spirit most true--
And then, in a twinkling, I heard in submissions
The prancing and pawing of sundry musicians
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Through #announcements The Spirit leapt in with a bound.
It was dressed in all manner, from its hat to its shoe,
And its trench coat was splotchy with colors and hues;
A hard drive of audio hung from its back
And it looked just like Lucky preparing to quack.
Its cap-- how it sparkled! Its eyes, how they glistened!
Its cheeks were like furballs, its nose nonexistent!
Its droll little mouth was drawn up ever higher,
And the fur on its chin was as bright as a fire;
The audio cable wrapped loose 'round a wrist
And the headphones, they covered its ears like a twist;
It had a fierce face but a fluffy round tummy
And a spring in its step both delightful and funny
It was fuzzy and orange, a true work of art,
And I laughed for I knew I had points in its heart;
Then dozens of voices arose from its form;
Reverberating in a chaotic storm
It opened Audacity, went straight to work,
And filled all the .aup files; then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger aside of its nose,
And giving a nod, up submissions it rose;
It flipped on its hat, to its team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard it exclaim, ere it drove out of sight--
"Happy tiebreak to all and to all a good night!"