Chapter Text
Shane Hollander is in love with Ilya Rozanov, no doubt in his mind. Ro-za-nov. A last name that rolled off the tongue. Shane loved to say it, mutter it under his breath to the one he loved most. He couldn’t imagine changing his last name for any reason. It was his brand, his career. Though, he was more than excited to share another title: Mr. Ilya Rozanov.
He paced the bathroom floor. Partially to shake off his nausea, partially to shake off the nerves. Montreal won against New York yesterday. The score was 4-3, Shane scored twice. During intermissions, he would rush off the ice to sit on the bathroom floor. Hayden Pike, the teammate he trusted the most, would sit with him, offering water and watching him struggle. The most Shane could ever bring up was stomach bile.
“Fuck.” Shane shook the pregnancy test. This was the fourth test he took this morning. He had two more left to take. He had to buy these discreetly. He couldn’t even think about pregnancy scare rumors. So much for being discreet, considering he cleaned the reproductive aisle and took a test of each brand that was there. Shane would’ve had Ilya buy them, but he was in Detroit for a game later tonight.
No matter the test, no matter the delicate display of its message, it read the same.
+, two lines, positive, pregnant.
He had been in the bathroom for an hour, fighting his denial. Another 20 minutes passed, and all the tests spoke to Shane the same way.
“Damn it.” Shane couldn’t dismiss this. It’s not a sickness he could ignore, a conversation he could avoid, he was pregnant.
He couldn’t be alone now. He can’t sit with his thoughts. Shane knew they would foster into panic. Ilya wouldn’t be able to answer his calls, his parents were on vacation, so he called the only other person he could.
“Hey!” Shane did his best to perk up. He always put in effort to mirror menarisms and tone the other person presented, but it took more effort.
“Hey Hollander! You called at a good time, Jackie and the rest of the kids are with her parents today.”
“That's great, man.” Shane took a shallow breath, taken aback by his illness.
“Are you still sick?”
“Yeah, but it isn’t contagious.”
“Is everything alright? Because I can stop by and bring some food.”
“That sounds good, Thanks Hayd.” Shane would appreciate the company.
“Yeah, yeah, I have to bring Amber though.”
“No worries man.”
“I’ll be there soon.”
Hayden’s line disconnected. Shane threw himself onto the couch. All he had were questions that didn’t seem to have answers. What failed? What would happen with his career? What would happen to his relationship? Why did this have to happen now?
Shane slumped to his back, holding his eyes in his hands. He couldn’t sleep off his unanswered questions. His mind remained cluttered until it was interrupted by Hayden’s knock at the door.
“Jackie would’ve killed me if I didn’t drop this off.” Hayden marched through the apartment doors. He always wore sunshine on his face. In one hand he carried a plastic bag, in the other he carried an infant. “It’s just some soup and ginger ale.”
“Tell her I said thanks.” Shane was always appreciative of Jackie’s food. She was always very considerate. “I really needed the ginger ale.”
“You seemed really sick yesterday.”
“We still won.” Shane popped the soda can, letting the ginger ale set in him.
“Damn right.” Hayden put the car seat down. He made himself comfortable on the couch and took his shows off. “Scott Hunter is better on home ice.”
Shane looked over at Amber. She was out like a light, and woke up on her own terms. Her cheeks had a hint of rose in her cheeks that made her look cold yet darling. “She’s a cute baby, congrats.”
“Yeah, thanks man. She just turned five months old. She’s definitely the last one, thank god.”
“I was expecting you to make your own Metros little league.” Shane sat in the other side of the couch, barely composing himself.
“Do you think Ottawa is beating Detroit tonight?”
“I think so.” Shane rested his head on his arm, facing away from Hayden. The tears in his eyes were stationary.
“Hey man, are you okay?” Hayden shuffled closer to Shane, putting a hand on his shoulder. Hayden’s cologne seeped of rich woof and it made him shudder. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me now, but I’m here.”
“I’m pregnant.” Shane wanted to have more hesitancy, but it completely slipped out. He would’ve done anything to take it back, to bite his tongue. He turned to look at Hayden.
“Oh my god, Shane, ” His demeanor changed. He dropped his shoulders, lowered his gaze, and had an empathetic expression. “When did you find out?”
“This morning.” His eyes held tears, resembling glass beads. “How am I supposed to tell Ilya?”
“Tell him upfront and honestly.” Pike saw the color drain from Hollander’s face. “When Jackie and I found out we were expecting Jade, we were terrified.”
“That’s different.” He threw his head back. His leg was uncontrollably shaking. “I’m pregnant, and it's the start of the season.”
“You’re right, it is different.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Start by making an appointment with a doctor and go from there.” Hayden was a proactive person, they both knew that. Shane wasn’t sure if he needed the advice. He wasn’t sure of what he needed at all. “Do you want to keep it?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think this could ever happen.”
“Whatever happens, I’m here for you dude.” He knew that Shane could pick himself up from any situation. He had a plan for everything. “So, you want an abortion?”
“I think Ilya would want to keep it. I know he wants kids—he’s so good with them— and I do too, but I don’t know if it’s the right time.” Shane had himself caught in his own words. He wasn’t sure what direction nor conclusion he was drawn to.
“I think you should talk to the coach as well.” Amber began to wail. Hayden took her out from her carseat, gently easing her into his arms. “Amber has been the easiest baby. She’s been so calm.”
“You’re a good dad.” How could he be a bad one? Hayden always puts in so much effort.
“Thanks,” He sat down on the couch once more, but with Amber on the crook of his chest. “You and Rozanov would make great parents too.”
Shane’s eyes were fixed straight ahead. His mind went quiet. His words had failed.
What a shitshow.
2 days later
“I’m here.” Ilya texted. It was 12 in the morning, he said he'd be here at 10. Shane worried himself nearly to tears waiting for him.
“The door's open.” He replied.
Shane had completely hashed out several monologues in his mind over the two nights, yet none of them felt right. This isn’t like me. He kept repeating to himself. And it wasn’t. He wasn’t in control.
“I’m sorry I’m late, plane was delayed.” Rozanov opened the door, the wind of autumn following behind him. Shane was on the couch. He had a bowl of Jackie’s soup on the coffee table. Ilya leaned in to kiss the other’s temple.
“Do you have any more?”
“Any more what?”
“Soup?” Ilya opened the fridge, looking for a coke. “I’m hungry.”
“Yeah, Jackie made it.”
“Are you still sick?”
“Ilya, sit down.”
“After I get the soup.”
“Ilya, please,” Hollander choked on his own words.
“Okay, okay,” Rozanov reclined next to him. He put his cold hands under Shane’s blanket, resting them on Shane’s thighs. “Share the blanket.”
Shane draped the blanket over themselves. Ilya put his head in between Shane’s jaw and collarbone. He seemed to radiate heat.
“What are you watching?”
“The San Francisco game.”
“Do you want to fuck?”
“No. Not tonight.”
“How sick have you been?” Shane felt his body tense up. Ilya did toom as if he was physically rejecting him. Ilya looked up, water collecting in Shane’s eyes. “Sweetheart, what is wrong?”
“I don’t know how to tell you.” Ilya made an attempt to wipe his tears. Shane wouldn’t let them fall, so he started running the back of his fingers along his freckles.
“You can tell me anything.” Shane turned off the tv. He looked to Ilya in close proximity. He had an expression of concern yet compassion. Shane took a minute to truly admire his eyes. The way they caught the light and the muted hazel of it all. He took this minute to compose himself.
“I’m pregnant, Ilya.”
“I don’t know that word in English, Shane.”
“I’m having a baby. Your baby.”
“What?” Ilya questioned. He didn’t want to believe in what he was hearing, not from fear but from a small thrill.
“I’m sorry, I wanted to call you but I didn't know how to tell you and-”
“Don’t be sorry. I understand.” Ilya wanted to tell Shane that this was good news, and he would be okay. That wasn’t what Shane needed. “Whatever you want, I will support.”
“I don’t know what I want.” Shane needed an affirmation. That he would make the best decision for himself and Ilya. He was always reserved with his words. He had a hard time speaking his feelings. “I’m scared.”
“I know. It is scary. But you are brave.” Ilya sensed his hesitancy. Ilya’s strongest trait was Shane’s weakest. “What are you scared of?”
“I’m scared of what the future is going to look like. Our careers, our relationship, we’re getting married in the summer.”
“Shane, you have had such a great career. You are the world’s best hockey player, and that will not change.” It seemed his efforts were in vain. “Do you want kids?”Ilya practically begged for the answer he wanted to hear.
“Of course.” Shane bit his cheek to gather his thoughts. “I didn’t think I could ever have kids. My doctors told me I was infertile.”
“Infertile?”
“Meaning I couldn’t get pregnant. If I knew I could, I would’ve been more careful.” Questions circulated once more. How did the condom break? When did it break? What if this happened two or three years ago? Why didn’t he take the pill? Why didn’t he get an iud? (He knew hormonal birth control would cause more harm than good)
He suppressed the truth in himself, that he was a bit glad that he wasn’t infertile and he did get pregnant. It seemed as if the stars aligned, god spoke to him, and any other bullshit he didn’t believe in believed in him.
“Do you want to keep it?” Ilya would stand with Shane with whatever he decided. He never wanted to stand in his way. He knew there was a part of him that wanted to hear-
“I do.” Shane could sense how deeply Ilya wanted this. To share their lives domestically, to live as a family. That’s all he truly cared for. “I think I do.”
“Я тебя люблю. I love you.” Ilya gently laid a kiss on Shane’s cheek. “I will do anything you ask of me.”
“I don't know what I’m going to do about hockey. I’m out of commission until next season.” That, of course, was his biggest concern. The second biggest love of his life.
“We have a saying in Russia. ‘Всё хорошо́, что хорошо́ конча́ется.’
It means ‘All's well that ends well.”
And, for the time in days, Shane felt comfort as opposed to an urgency to fix the situation. He found comfort knowing how well he’d be taken care of. He found comfort knowing he truly didn’t need to decide between the two things that meant the most to him: hockey and Ilya.