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Ottawa WAGs
March 25 2:04 pm
Selena
Harris, can you add him now?
Cassie
Yes please, I'm sooo bored :/
Yuki
Don't you have a newborn?
Cassie
Shh, that's not important
Harris
Fine, I'll add him if you guys behave
I'm looking at you Eva.
Eva
Fuck you, Harris, nobody likes you
Caitlin
Literally everyone in the whole world likes Harris, Eva.
Harris
<3
Eva
Can you add him to the gc or not, apple boy?
Harris
You know, apple boy is not a very effective insult
Lisa
Can you two stop your fighting for like one second? Weren't we supposed to behave?
Eva
Sorry, Lis
Harris
Sorry.
Alright. Here goes nothing
Harris Drover
March 22 1:23 pm
Hi, it's Harris Drover (Centaur's social media manager). I just wanted to say how sorry I am about the way you got outed, I know that wasn't either of your choice. I just wanted to give you my support in these times, I hope it all goes well for you!
Also, if you and Ilya ever want to have dinner at my parents' farm, you're both welcome to join us. (I promise we are not going to make you adopt a dog this time. (Well... Maybe.))
Thank you.
I don't think I trust Ilya at the moment near any dog he could purchase, but I'll be in touch.
March 25 2:10 pm
Hi! This is just a warning, I know they are a lot but they are also very lovely people. They were very accepting of me and Troy from the very beginning, so you don't need to worry about that!
You might want to mute your notifications on the chat though :)
What?
Ottawa WAGs
Harris added Shane
Hello?
Cassie
Hi, Shane! We just wanted to give you our full support in all of this
Caitlin
And tell you that we are so sorry this happened this way
Selena
And officially welcome you to the group chat since you are now a WAG. Or WAGAB? I have no idea how to make that term inclusive.
Cassie
If you want to change the group name to something else, that’s fine to all of us! We just want you to feel welcome here!
Oh. Thank you
Sorry, I guess I just didn’t expect this kind of reaction
Yuki
You are one of us now!
Eva
Okay, who has been mean to you, give me names, I will hunt them down >:(
I think that list might be too long at this point
Amelia
Has your team not been accepting?
Gabriela
OMG, Amelia, you can’t just ask that!
They knew I was gay, it’s just the Ilya part that was too much for them
Eva
Okay, they can go and fuck themselves
Lisa
We love Ilya here, don’t worry.
Yuki
Even though he barely shows up whenever we are hanging out…
That might’ve been kind of my fault, sorry.
Cassie
We always wondered why he even wanted to play in Ottawa, but I guess we have the explanation now. He did it to be closer to you, right?
Yeah.
Caitlin
Wait, so does that mean we owe us not being the worst team in the league anymore to you?
Amelia
Omggg, I’m starting a Shane Hollander fan page rn
Gabriela
You literally had his poster in your wall for years.
Amelia
Don’t tell him that????
I’m just born and raised in Ottawa, sorry for supporting a local legend??
Gabriela
I would say more but I’m being nice to Shane since it’s his first day here.
Thank you?
Wait, if Harris is here why is it still called WAGs?
Harris
I said I’m fine with being one of the girls :)
But if you want to change it to include boyfriends as well, we can!
Well, I’m a fiancé, technically
Harris
WHAT?
Caitlin
WHAT?
Yuki
WHAT?
Eva
WHAT??????
Lisa
Congratulations!
Cassie
I need more info right now!!!
March 25 5:10 pm
Cassie
Come back, Shane!
Shane, come back!
Ugh, I need more gossip :(
March 25 8:10 pm
Sorry, Ilya distracted me.
Yuki
For over three hours? Damn.
Eva
Damn, congrats ;)
I was wondering which one of you belonged to which player
No wait that didn’t come out right
I respect women and don’t think you belong to anyone.
I mean, I know all the players but I don’t really know who you are and who you are connected to and how
Cassie
Ugh you’re so adorable
Lisa
I have a list!
Caitlin Dykstra - Evan’s wife
Cassie Boodram - Zane’s wife
Selena Chouinard - Nick’s wife
Gabriela Boyle - David’s wife
Eva Andersson - Erik Holmberg’s fiancée
Yuki Takahashi - Louis LaPointe’s girlfriend
Amelia Moore - Tanner Dillon’s girlfriend
Harris Drover - Troy Barrett’s boyfriend
Oh, and I’m Wyatt’s wife!
Selena
Trust Lisa to always have a list
Thank you, that was very helpful
Eva
Okay, now you know us, can you tell me how you are engaged to Ilya?
Harris
Leave him alone, Eva, he probably has other stuff to do than answer your invasive questions.
No, it’s alright. It’s nice that I can talk about this now, actually.
Eva
See? Fuck you, Harris.
Gabriela
Sorry, ignore those two, they act like my five-year-old twins sometimes.
Cassie
We all blame Eva, since Harris is the nicest man to ever exist.
Caitlin
Please tell us about your engagement!
I don’t know what to really tell about it?
Yuki
Which one proposed?
No, wait let me guess. It was Ilya.
Eva
I vote Shane.
Caitlin
I say Ilya.
Eva
I vote Ilya.
It was me
Eva
Ha! I knew it, you rest are bunch of losers.
Harris
Sorry about her, Shane.
It’s okay, it’s almost like talking to Ilya.
Eva
!!! This is what I’ve been trying to tell you guys, I’m just the female version of Ilya.
European and bisexual.
Harris
And what, an asshole?
Eva
Yesss, exactly
Wow. Based on what I heard about Holmberg, I wouldn’t have guessed, based on these messages, that you’re with him.
Eva
I know, he’s boring, I’m too cool for him.
... Have you and Ilya ever met?
Eva
Not properly, no
Okay, I gotta make sure that never happens.
Ottawa WAGs
March 28 11:43 pm
Selena
This is to you guys with no children: don’t do it. Save yourselves.
Gabriela
What did Will do now?
Selena
How do you know it was Will? I have two other children.
Gabriela
...
Selena
Yeah, alright, it was him.
He had been doing a “science experiment” in the upstairs bathroom, the one I never use. Now I have ten bowls of what used to be food, now it is just mold. And now he refuses to clean it because “the results are not in yet”.
Amelia
Thank god I’m #infertile
Ottawa WAGs
March 30 11.26 am
Cassie
Hi Shane! Do you happen to be free tomorrow at 7pm?
Yes. Why?
Cassie
We have our monthly movie night at my house, and I just realised we never invited you. If you have time, would you want to join us? It would be nice to meet you properly!
Um. I guess I can do that. Do I have to bring anything?
Cassie
Just bring yourself, that’s good enough for me!
Lily
March 30 11:29 am
Hey, can you buy some fancy bottle of wine while you’re out?
yeah?
you want to have date night?
The WAGs invited me to their movie night.
that is very cute. I’ll buy you your wine.
are you nervous?
No.
Maybe.
I don’t know. It feels weird.
what does?
That they are so accepting.
Montreal sucks. Ottawa is much better. Much gayer.
Must be nice.
It is. maybe you can have it too.
We’re not talking about this over text.
fine. I’ll be home in an hour.
Okay. Thank you.
I love you.
I love you too.
Ottawa WAGs
March 31 11.47 pm
Thank you for having me, I had a really nice time.
Cassie
You are the cutest ever! We loved having you!
Eva
I still can’t believe you have only two female friends. Like no wonder your life is a mess.
Gabriela
*had. Now you have many more.
In my defence, all I do is hockey.
Yuki
And that’s why we are getting you those hobbies
Fine, I’ll do a yoga class but pottery is a hard no
Caitlin
Give us a month, we’ll change your mind.
Harris
The pottery is fun, I promise!
Even Eva likes it and she’s usually negative about everything
Eva
I was literally not even saying anything
Lisa
Anyway, it was lovely to meet you! We hope we’ll see you again soon!
Amelia
Well! We are going to Montreal next week.
Caitlin
Oh. I really just forgot Shane is the Shane Hollander.
Gabriela
Me too.
I don’t know what that means.
Yuki
We were too charmed by you that we forgot you weren’t in our team.
Cassie
And that we are going to destroy you guys in the playoffs.
That’s not going to happen
Amelia
Yes it is. But we’ll be nice to you and hope for Montreal’s defeat 5% less.
Eva
Hell no, they didn’t accept you, they don’t deserve my goodwill.
Harris
Fuck Montreal!
Lisa
Oh, so this unites Eva and Harris.
Fuck Montreal!
Gabriela
Fuck Montreal!
Yuki
Fuck Montreal!
Thanks guys
I think?
Lily
April 2 1:24 pm
how was it?
Bad
Awkward, mostly
It was as if I haven’t played with this team for a decade, like I was some stranger to them.
They hate me, Ilya
fuck them, they don’t deserve you
remember, you are their king. they are nothing but maybe your servants.
They are all professional hockey players.
and they would be nowhere near where they are now without you
I know. I just…
I used to think they were like a family to me, not just a team.
But what kind of family would treat me like this?
mine, probably.
Oh.
yes, exactly. fuck them.
Maybe they’ll warm up to the idea of us.
or maybe they can go suck a dick.
that would help them accept you actually.
Okay, I’m not going to tell them that.
Good luck with your team.
Although, I have a feeling they will be much better than mine.
me too.
April 2 3:45 pm
they were very nice. bullied me for taking spotlight from Troy and Harris.
That’s good. God, I’m so happy you have their support.
yes. and you have their wives support.
Yeah, I guess I do.
Fuck, I miss you so much already.
I miss you too. call later?
Yes <3
Ottawa WAGs
April 9 7:11 pm
Amelia
Do you think they ever flirt during face-offs?
Caitlin
This is what you are thinking during the first playoff game?
Amelia
I think we’re all thinking it.
Harris
Maybe it’s like foreplay to them.
Eva
Everybody doesn’t have a hockey fetish, like you do.
Harris
I don’t think that’s even a legitimate fetish.
Eva
Anything can be a fetish. Have you never been to the internet?
Harris
I’m literally the social media manager?
April 9 11:41 pm
What the fuck?
Ottawa WAGs
April 20 10:11 pm
Gabriela
I love my husband and what he does, I really do, but game seven going to overtime? I’m getting bored
Caitlin
How are you bored, I’ve never been this stressed ever?
Amelia
This game is literally deciding if we are in the fight for the Cup or not???
Gabriela
Well sorry for being honest, I guess
Oh, shit
Eva
no way
Cassie
WE WON!!!!!
Eva
WE FUCKING WON!!!!!!
Lisa
OH MY GOD!!!!!
Yuki
CENTAURS4LIFE!!!!!!!
Amelia
Ilya motherfucking Rozanov how I love you
Gabriela
I hope Shane’s okay…
Eva
We love you Shane, even though you’re not on the winning team!
April 21 12:01 am
Yuki
Don’t listen to what they’re saying online, we know you wouldn’t trip on purpose, Shane.
Harris
Yeah, maybe don’t go online at all
April 21 9:19 am
Thanks. It’s not just the people online who are saying that, but thanks.
Caitlin
Please don’t tell me your team is saying that.
...
Cassie
WHAT?!!
Eva
Fuck you, Montreal Voyageurs, you will burn in hell
Amelia
Okay, what the fuck is their problem??
Harris
I’m going to put a skunk in all of their cars.
Yuki
Wait, even Pike?
Not Hayden. And J.J. was on my side in the end, but the rest… They’re acting like they don’t know me anymore.
Harris
Fuck them. You’re the best player in the league.
Even better than Ilya?
Amelia
Yes
Don’t say that to him
Lisa
He’d probably agree with us
Ottawa WAGs
May 3 3:47 pm
Amelia
What are you doing on your birthday next week, Shane?
How do you know it’s almost my birthday?
Amelia
Yo’re literally famous. And have a Wikipedia page
Gabriela
And did you look it up, or have you memorized his birthday?
She used to kiss your poster good night for over two years, btw.
Amelia
I’m never telling you anything about my life, ever again.
Do you still have that poster?
Amelia
It’s in my childhood bedroom at my parents house
Do you want me to sign it?
Amelia
Wow, you really do sound like Rozanov sometimes
But yes. I’d like that.
May 3 7:11 pm
Amelia
Wait, you never answered my question, Shane. About your birthday plans.
I’m just at my cottage with Ilya and my parents
Amelia
But ur turning thirty :( shouldn’t it be a big party?
I don’t think I’m really in a party mood.
Selena
Wait, it’s your 30th? We have to have a party then!!!
Harris
We can do something chill, just us and maybe the team? Have you even met the team yet? Somewhere other than ice, I mean
I haven’t had the chance yet
Cassie
Zane has been begging for another BBQ, this would be perfect! The team would love to meet you! You’re all Ilya talks about, now that he’s allowed to
Really?
Lisa
Oh yeah, Wyatt calls him loverboy. It’s very cute
I guess a BBQ would be fine.
Cassie
Does the 8th work for you?
Let me ask Ilya.
Cassie
He better say yes, he loves my husband’s cooking
hello lovely ladies and harris
we would love to come to the bbq
are dogs allowed????
Cassie
Hi Ilya. Yes, you can bring Anya
Ottawa WAGs
May 8 8:06 pm
Caitlin
Is it just me or are Ilya and Shane the cutest ever together?
Amelia
I just saw Ilya Rozanov giggle. This is the best day of my life
Yuki
Those two are so in love I almost want to start a fight with Louis because it feels like we’re not in love enough
Eva
This is even worse than Troy and Harris are and I didn’t think it was possible
Harris
Hey!
Lisa
And this is the “biggest asshole in the league”. Shane is walking him like a dog, this is crazy
May 8 8:29 pm
You guys need to get a life
But I agree
May 8 11:48 pm
I forgot to say, but if you happen to be free on July 17th, you’re invited to Ilya’s house then!
Selena
What’s then?
Our wedding
Lisa
HUH??
Yuki
This is how you’re inviting us???
Eva
You are sick in the head
We’ll be there
Ottawa WAGs
May 19 9:12 pm
Okay, I have no idea what to buy for Ilya for his birthday
Yuki
You know, you don’t have to buy him anything
You could make him something :)
Don’t
Yuki
If only there was, I don’t know, a class, where you could learn to make something
Something unique, something money couldn’t buy. Something made with love
We’ve been through this, I’m not doing that
Yuki
Pottery class. That’s your answer, Shane
Fine. I’ll do it
Caitlin
Now, how the hell did that actually work??
Yuki
I don’t care, this is the best day of my life!
You guys need to stop having your best days of your life be related to me
Ottawa WAGs
May 28 6:19 pm
Selena
That was the funniest pottery class ever, thanks Shane
Glad my suffering was amusing to you
Caitlin
We’re so used to seeing you be the best in the game, it was really nice to see you be bad at something
Eva
And you were like reaaaaally bad
Harris
You were even worse than I was on my first time
Eva
Compared to Shane, you were a professional
Cassie
You were so bad, you even made Eva compliment Harris
I’m leaving this group chat
Harris
I’d just add you back
Gabriela
Sorry, you can’t get rid of us
Lisa
Yeah, sorry. This is for life
Ottawa WAGs
June 1 3:54 pm
Hypothetically, how would you guys feel if I transferred to Ottawa?
Selena
Huh?
Amelia
Please tell me this isn’t hypothetical
We would be unstoppable
Shane motherfucking Hollander and Ilya motherfucking Rozanov on the same team
Lisa
If you do that, I’m going to give kiss you on the mouth and give you my firsborn
Caitlin
He’s gay why would he want you kissing him on the mouth
Eva
But the firstborn would probably be helpful! Since Shane unfortunately can’t get pregnant
Unfortunately?
You know what, I don’t want to know
Harris
I was going to come here and tell you I got promoted, but I see there are bigger news happening here
Gabriela
Shane a Centaur and Harris getting the big bucks?? This is the best day of my life!!
Stop including me in your best days of your lives!!
Family
June 15 11:48 am
Ilya
Yuna. David. I love your son. But this is the worst thing ever created.
Photo of something that can only barely be considered a flower pot
Yuna
Oh!
David
Well. That’s… nice.
Everywhere I go, people keep bullying me
Ottawa WAGs
June 28 11:48 am
Eva
Wait, Shane, is Rose Landry coming to your wedding?
Yes?
Eva
Fuck!
I’m deeply in love with her, but I’ll survive, okay
Do you think she’d be up for a threesome with me and my fiancé?
I’m not going to ask her that
Eva
Fine, I’ll ask her myself
Ottawa WAGs
July 1 5:38 pm
Amelia
If I break up with Tanner in like twenty minutes, are you going to kick me out of the group chat?
Harris
Shit, you’re really doing it
And, no of course not, we’re not letting you go anywhere
Good luck!
Wait, is that what we’re supposed to say when you’re about to break up with someone?
Gabriela
Idk, but good luck Ames!!
Yuki
Let us know if you need to get drunk after that!
July 1 8:56 pm
Amelia
I would like to get drunk now, please
Ilya told to me to tell you to come over, we have good vodka
Amelia
Give me twenty minutes, I’ll be there
Ottawa WAGs
July 6 9:21 pm
Eva
So, Shane
How does it feel?
How does what feel?
Eva
Your last night as a virgin
As a what?
Eva
As a Centaur virgin
Harris
There were like a thousand ways to ask this question and you picked the worst one
She means, are you excited about becoming a Centaur officially tomorrow?
Oh! Yeah, I am. Nervous too, it’s a big change.
Lisa
You have been a Centaur in our eyes ever since March
Thanks. It means a lot, that you are so welcoming
Cassie
Oh Shane :( You deserve the world
And FUCK Montreal
Caitlin
Fuck Montreal!!
Amelia
FUCK MONTREAL!!
Harris
Fuck!!!! Montreal!!
Yuki
Fuck Montreal!
Come on, Shane. Say it too
....
Fuck Montreal
Eva
YESSSS!!!!!! Their fucking loss!!!!!
Gabriela
Sucks to be Montreal, because Ottawa has Shane Hollander now, babyyyyyy!!!!!
Ottawa WAGs
July 7 3:42 pm
Photo of Shane wearing the Centaurs Jersey with a wide smile on his face
It’s official now!
Yuki
YES!!!!!!!!!!
Gabriela
Hell yeah!!!!
Eva
I’m about to cry, this is so serious to me
Amelia
This.
Is.
The.
Don’t say it
Amelia
Best.
Day.
Of.
My.
Life.
Harris
You guys do know what this means?
He’s a player now, not a WAG
Yuri
He can be both
Harris
Okay, but guess who’s also both, then?
Eva
Wait no
Harris
I have to do it
Harris added Ilya
Ilya
are you guys who I have to blame for the world’s ugliest flower pot that’s in my living room right now?
You’re such an asshole