The International Adventures of Strawberry Pop-Tart

Thunk

The plasticky-foil wrapped Strawberry Pop-Tart landed on the counter.

“Ouch!” it exclaimed. One of its corners was almost certainly chipped now. Flakey pastry could only hold up to so much abuse. It looked around the kitchen, trying to get its bearings. It had been thrown into a backpack what felt like ages ago. But then, what was time to a nonperishable food item?

The kitchen looked fairly standard. Everything in it had been covered in the standard safety briefing that F-OSHA, the food occupational and safety health administration, had required before it was packaged. All of the standard appliances were there. It didn’t see a toaster oven, but there was a regular toaster, and toaster ovens weren’t always present in every kitchen. They were special. Like air fryers and instant pots. Poptarts didn’t really end up in air fryers or instant pots though. It was mainly toasters or microwaves.

“Halt!”

A deep voice with an accent Strawberry Pop-Tart had never heard before rang through the kitchen. Strawberry Pop-Tart looked around to see if it could figure out where the voice had come from.

It thought the voice might be coming from a plastic container further down the counter.

“Hello?” Pop-Tart replied.

“Identify yourself,” The voice bellowed. It was definitely coming from the plastic container.

“I’m Strawberry Pop-Tart. Who are you?”

“Who am I? Who am I?” The container shook a little in indignation. “I am Roast Turkey Dinner, M&S microwavable meal, and the leader of this kitchen.”

“Cool. Uh, what’s M&S?” Strawberry Pop-Tart wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be impressed. It sounded like it was supposed to be impressed.

“What’s M&S!? Where are you from? Don’t tell me you’re from some colonial backwater. Are you full of artificial colors and preservatives? Well, are you?” Roast Turkey Dinner demanded to know.

“Hey, now, none of my ingredients have been found to cause cancer, so you lay off. I’m as real as any other foodstuff.”

Roast Turkey Dinner huffed. “What even are you? You don’t look like food.”

“You’ve gotta take the wrapping off. I’m food on the inside.” Strawberry Pop-Tart rustled its wrapper.

“Well, I don’t believe you.” Roast Turkey dinner harumphed.

whomp whomp whomp whomp

“What was that?” Strawberry Pop-Tart asked. Before Roast Turkey Dinner could answer, Strawberry Pop-Tart got picked up. It saw the door to the microwave being opened, and then, without preamble, it got tossed inside. The door closed. Strawberry Pop-Tart watched as fingers started pressing buttons.

No! This wasn’t supposed to happen! Its wrapper was supposed to come off before it ended up in the microwave.

Strawberry Pop-Tart rustled its wrapper as hard as it ever had. It tried to move. It tried to do anything it could to attract the attention of whoever had just tossed it without thinking into the microwave.

Then, the terrible ding happened and the platter started spinning. A hum filled the microwave.

POP!

CRACKLE!

ZAP!

CRACK!

The humming stopped. The light went out. All of the lights went out. The microwave smoked.

Roast Turkey Dinner looked around at the carnage. There was going to have to be an investigation. The F-HSE, Food Health and Safety Executive, would have to bring people in.

When the microwave opened, Roast Turkey Dinner winced. Strawberry Pop-Tart was nothing more than a pile of singed pastry and melted plastic. It wasn’t going to be a tasty treat for anyone. Roast Turkey Dinner took a moment for silent reflection. It was too bad. It had almost come around to the idea of Strawberry Pop-Tart. Alas.