Work Text:
Yoonchae, are you awake?
I was thinking about, um, what you said. It was at your birthday party, I think. You know how you said Sophia treats you sometimes? Like, you’re still a child, but you’re not. I don’t do that, right? I don’t wanna do that to you either. I know you’re, like, an adult now. We’re only a year apart. You’re eighteen, I’m nineteen, and I’m going to be twenty– but that’s not the point.
I mean– my point is that, I don’t want you to feel that way around me. I know how it feels. Sort of. I think Sophia still has it in her head that I'm, like, still fifteen. But I’m not. I haven’t been fifteen for four years. And even when I was, you know, I had to grow up faster. We both did. I think I was seventeen when I was fifteen. You feel the same way, right?
It’s weird. Sophia still treats me the same, even though I’m so different now. Ugh, not in that way. But you know what I mean. I don’t know. Every time Sophia looks at me, I think I’m fifteen all over again. Like I never got older.
That sounds so stupid, but yeah. You understand. Do you hate it? I remember I thought I would stop feeling that way when I turned eighteen. I thought Sophia would finally treat me like Dani, or like Lara, or I don’t even know, maybe Manon. I mean, that’s kind of unrealistic. Maybe I just thought I’ll be treated like an adult.
Sometimes I think Manon knows the most about Sophia. You know, um, I think it was at the Minneapolis show– but Sophia was feeling really overwhelmed, and Manon held her hand? Yeah, you remember right? Like, I’m not jealous of Manon or anything, I don’t care that much, but I just– I guess I just wished I knew Sophia like that.
I thought when I turned eighteen, I would, since me and Sophia would finally be, you know, be on the same side. Did you feel the same way? It doesn’t really matter, I don’t know why it would. I mean– I was eighteen when Sophia was twenty two, you’re eighteen and Sophia is twenty three. It doesn’t matter we’re, like, adults now. It doesn’t matter that I have a driver’s licence and she doesn’t. I’m– we’re still her baby sisters. I don’t think we’ll ever be on the same side as her.
Do you ever wish you can just be, like, more than that? More than her baby sister? Not– not in that way. But just like, I don’t know. Her best friend. Like, the same way Lara is to her, I guess. Sometimes I wonder why it’s Lara and not me. I mean– with Manon, I get it. Manon is the oldest, we all go to her, so, I get it. But, it’s like, Lara is only one year older than me. Is it because Sophia met Lara when she was seventeen and not fifteen? Does Sophia just know too much about me, so that's why she doesn’t– you know, go to me instead?
Ugh, I sound weird. Sorry, sorry. I don’t know why I’m being like this.
Again, I’m not, like, not jealous of anyone or anything. I know I can’t be the closest to everyone, and Sophia can’t be either. I mean, me and Sophia weren’t the closest to begin with, even before you and Lara and Manon. I was with Adela and she was with Marquise. And now– well. Yeah. It’s her and Lara and Manon, I guess.
We were still close, don’t get me wrong. I mean, everyone was, you remember. It’s just, we weren’t ever each other's first choice, you know? Or– ugh, this is gonna sound really bad, but I wasn’t hers, at least. That’s not a bad thing, really. I know I can’t be number one at everything. But, after Adela got eliminated, I just felt, like, so fucking alone. Emily also lost her best friend, and I didn’t want to make her even more depressed, no one does. So– well, I only had Sophia to cry to, and– and– I don’t know. I was thinking, why couldn’t Sophia cry to me too?
You feel the same way, right? Fuck, tell me you have, I feel like I’m going insane over this. It’s not like Dani or Lara or Manon get it. You don’t hear Sophia calling them her baby sisters 24/7. They’re on the same side, Yoonchae. They always have been.
I remember when we finished the finale, and I was being driven home by my mom, she made me write, like, these list of promises to myself. She didn’t read them, thank God, but she said it was to help me be true to myself or whatever. She said she didn’t want to, like, lose myself. Or something like that. My mom is always suspicious of everything, you know that. She acted like being a popstar was going to make me a drug addict or something.
So I wrote these promises, right, and I think one of the last ones was, um– God. Okay, promise to not make fun of me, alright? Don’t tell this to anybody. Yeah, let’s pinky promise.
I promised myself I’ll stop being as pathetic as I was to Sophia. I’ll stop crying to her and I’ll stop leaning onto her for everything, and I’ll move on and I’ll fucking grow up.
I broke that promise, obviously. She– she called me that night, Yoonchae. She promised everything was going to be okay, and that she’ll always protect me. She made it seem like– like it was us against the world, and I cried, like, really fucking hard. And it’s just– why? Why did she have to tell me that? Why is it always Sophia? Why does she always have to tell me what I need to hear and– and– I’m just here? Her baby sister that doesn’t know everything? Why does everyone know what I don’t?
She said she loved me at my eighteenth birthday party. She hugged me and said she loved me, Yoonchae– and– and then, she called me her fucking baby sister. She kissed my cheek and all I could do was cry. Because fuck, why am I only wanted when I’m the youngest? Nikky praised me once, you know– she said I had a certain youthful energy or whatever when I dance. And it’s like, why can’t I just fucking grow up already? I’m not fifteen anymore. I don’t think I have ever been.
It’s so, so stupid. Sometimes I think I know too much about myself, so I need my burdened leader to hold all this mess I have that I can’t fit inside me. When– when Sophia was holding me, she realised I was crying before I did. How stupid is that? I think I used to like it, Sophia knowing everything about me. And then I realised, I don’t fucking know anything about her. Tell me you feel the same way, Yoonchae. Please.
Me and Manon joked that Sophia thinks she’s going to be fired or something if she doesn’t play leader. Sometimes I wish she wasn’t. But what else would Sophia be? She was probably jumping up and down when she got that role, it was probably the best day of her fucking life.
And anyway, I think, if she were the main vocalist, she’ll still treat me the same. I don’t know what I’ll do anyway, if she didn’t. So, fuck– why do I have to be like this? I’m always going to be her baby sister, Yoonchae. Even when I’m twenty and– and– she’s holding me again, kissing my cheek, I’m going to be her baby. Do you understand that? We’re gonna be her baby sisters and she’s going to write a fucking love poem for our birthday posts, and by the end of it, she’s going to call us her baby sister.
Yoonchae? Why- why are you holding my cheek?