Chapter Text
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Hawkins, Indiana:
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The last week of the summer before their last year of high school, a line is drawn in Hawkins, Indiana. On one end at the Wheeler House, Nancy Wheeler is broken up with by Jonathan Byers. On the other end of the line, all the way across town in the dense woods surrounding Jordan Lake, Robin Buckley is also broken up with by Vickie Dunne. Our story starts after two stories end, during their first day of senior year, when two highly intelligent people decide to do something very very stupid.
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Hawkins High School:
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The mind-numbing sound of the bell going off reminds Robin how much she fucking hates high school. She uses the thought that just one more class until Steve and her can hang out at work again to try and power herself. Thinking of her best friend makes a memory surface from last night, one that makes her smile and cuts through the ringing in her ears, ‘C’mon Robbie, try and enjoy your first day back! It's our last first day of high school, so strut in there and show Vickie what she’s missing out on!’ Steve’s last try to get her out of the depressive cloud she’s been in for the last week. God she loves Steve Harrington, truly what would she do without his horrendous positivity, even when it isn’t working.
She never thought she’d miss working at Family Video of all places, though. She’d give anything to go back to four weeks ago when all she had to think about was where to take Vickie for their next date, and what movie she wanted to make ‘The Party’ sit through that Saturday. That was better than the abject misery of being unceremoniously dumped the week before school started, genuinely why would anyone do that? The brief smile slides off her face as tears prick the corners of her eyes, and she decides she can’t do this right now. No one expects you at the last class of the first day anyway, she thinks to herself and ducks into the nearest restroom. She intends on hiding in a stall and crying while the warning bell drones on, except it seems she isn’t the only one who had the same idea. The miraculously empty bathroom makes the closed stall at the end with gut-wrenching sobs leaking out all the more prominent, and she’s shocked out of her own impending breakdown through the sheer anxiety of the encounter. Can’t even cry pathetically in a restroom stall alone, fantastic.
Robin is propelled to the stall more by social awkwardness than concern for a random person who’s probably called her a slur before when she mumbles out an, “Are you okay in there?” Her voice cracks with her unspent tears halfway through, but her mouth continues running before her brain can catch up. “Cause it’s cool if you’re not, cause like legit same. I was also planning on crying out last period but you seem to have the market cornered on that avenue so I’ll just like, find somewhere else to cry. Maybe the bleachers? Actually ew, nevermind. If I have to watch straight people make out while I’m heartbroken I might just disappear into the woods until the elements eventually get me. Maybe I’ll find a rift into an evil dimension or something that’ll remind me my problems are really small-” A bark of laughter through tears cuts her off, and Robin is unbelievably relieved because even she isn’t sure where that was going.
“Hey there, Buckley. I’d recognise that unfiltered stream of thoughts anywhere.” Punctures the air, popping her bubble of stress as she realises it isn’t some random homophobe in there, and is instead Nancy Wheeler sounding only slightly annoyed. Then a different stream of anxiety floods her veins, because why is Nancy Wheeler of all people crying alone in a stall their first day back? Her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a lock unclicking as Nancy opens the door to step out, mascara tracking pitiful trails down her face and looking wholly wrong. Her heart seizes a little in her chest, and the distinct thought that ‘this isn’t how a future valedictorian should look at the start of her final year’ floats through her mind as she awkwardly stumbles backwards from the door in shock. She keeps backing away until her thighs hit the edge of the washing basin. Ouch.
“Oh, Nancy! Fancy meeting you here..? Ha! Nancy-Fancy, Fancy-Nancy, nice!” Jesus Christ, can you buy tact at a store or something? Words already out there, she awkwardly flaps her hands in an approximation of a wave. Nancy gives her a sardonic smile, the brief finger wave she throws Robin’s way before heading to wash her face taking the edge off the response from mocking to tired.
Nancy passes her some wet tissues, gesturing to the edges of her eyes where Robin assumes her own mascara hasn’t fared well with her earlier tears either, before, “Yes, Robin. I’m sure it is fancy meeting me here. In the bathroom of the high school we both attend. Where we both apparently came to cry.” She turns a deadpan stare up to meet Robin’s eyes, and Robin cringes under the sharp gaze piercing through her.
“Fair, sorry. You know what I’m like.” Robin mimes zipping her lips as she turns to the mirror, trying to wipe away the much smaller trails her mascara has left above her cheekbones.
Nancy seems to shrink here, cringing inwards and softening her face a little. “Sorry, that was mean. I’m just not in the mood for your word vomit right now. It’s been a rough few days, but you don’t want to hear about that. I’ll just,” She pauses to gesture a hand over her shoulder before continuing, “go to class, say I got stopped by a teacher or something.”
Watching the usually imposing figure of Nancy freaking Wheeler look so small in front of her, less like an idea and more like a person, softens the constriction in her heart and something in her aches to reach out. The thought that for once, Robin feels like she actually knows what to say to understand someone makes her feel brave enough to try and keep Nancy here. “Hey, hey. Don’t do that. I’m sorry I interrupted your crying sesh, but you also interrupted mine so I think we’re even. I really don’t want to go to class though, so how about you tell me yours and I tell you mine. We can have a little girls night -day? In this disgusting bathroom. What do you say?” She almost backtracks when Nancy takes a step backwards, but her panic eases when Nancy just slides up to sit on the counter. She tips her head lower once she settles, no longer having to crane her neck up to look at Robin eye-to-eye, and Robin slides her gaze to the side avoiding the very same.
“Sure, what the hell. I probably need to hear someone that isn’t Barbs’ input on this, anyway. She’s just a teensy bit,” Nancy pinches her fingers together in an endearing gesture to accentuate her point, “biased. If you were anyone else, I’d assume you were playing dumb about the rumours, but, well. An entire summer of movie nights has exposed me to you enough to know you’re not a very good liar.” She pauses again, almost like the next few words drag claws up her throat on their way up, facing pinching in pain, before, “Jonathan dumped me. Last week. Said he didn’t want to wait till right before school so it wouldn’t mess with my classes. Fucking unbelievable.” Robin can’t hold the bark of laughter that rips through her at Nancy’s words, and feels horrible about it when she sees the way Nancy’s face crumbles, straightening up as though to leave as her eyes tear up once more.
“Hey no, sorry, I wasn’t laughing at your pain. Honest! It’s just, well, my girlfriend also dumped me last week with the same stupid logic. Can you fucking believe that; what are the chances?” Her rushed words are worth it when a small, earnest though awkward smile slides back on her face. Robin passes her some more tissues as Nancy settles back down.
“Ha, yeah, what are the chances? Do you know what he told me?” Nancy sits up straight again, voice dropping as she tries to assumably mimic Jonathan Byers, ”I’m doing this for you, too, you know. We’re young and you’re going into your last year! You should be able to have fun and let loose and not worry about your boyfriend that’s deferred a year to save up some money and work. I’ve got to focus on saving as much as I can so my parents don’t worry. Just trust me, it’ll be better this way.” Her voice cracks as the humour leaves her, though this time her eyes stay dry, like she’s cried away all the water her body had to offer.
Robin wordlessly passes Nancy her own bottle of water, making a ‘drink up’ motion, “Geez Nance, that fucking sucks. Yikes. Did he let you have any input on the choices he was making for you or..?” She twists her rings around her fingers as she waits for Nancy to finish drinking, hoping that was the right response. She knows she’s slightly projecting, but something about this situation almost feels like its the correct thing to do to show she understands.
Nancy’s shoulders that were hiked almost all the way up to her ears dramatically drop down as she exhales, “Thank you! God, it was so messed up! I tried telling him that it wasn’t just his choice to make, that a relationship takes two people’s opinions into account, and all he gave me was ‘Please Nancy, you have to understand’ and ‘It’ll make sense eventually’. What the fuck will make sense? That my boyfriend dumped me before senior year because I was too much of a commitment along with living his life? Am I not a part of his life?” Her voice breaks at the end, but instead of the despair Robin is expecting, all Nancy looks is mad. Faced with her burning gaze, Robin’s not sure if she should be afraid for her own life or Jon’s. She hopes it’s Jonathan, if only so she doesn’t die in a school bathroom. That would really suck.
“I don’t know what to say here Nance, other than that he’s an idiot for fumbling Nancy freaking Wheeler! I mean, you’re the one who’s going to make it out of Hawkins! The girl who’ll take Emerson by storm, break the case of the decade and then win a Pulitzer before she’s twenty-five. It’s his loss, honestly.” She fights back several other things she has to say about Nancy, because her list is exhaustive and she really doesn’t want to poke the bear on her old crush on Nancy, nor reveal it to her like this. Ideally she’ll reveal it never, but even she’s not hopeful enough about her lack of a filter for that.
Nancy smiles for real this time, eyes twinkling, grin wide and teeth glinting in the fluorescent lights of the bathroom, and fuck. Robin forgets where she is for a second. For one dangerous second she’s fourteen again and Nancy Wheeler is still at the centre of it all, but Nancy speaks and it breaks the spell. She thanks a god she doesn’t believe in for small mercies. “Thanks Robs, I think I needed to hear that. Shit, here you are making me feel better, but what about your heartbreak? Which moron dumped Robin Buckley, Queen of Cinema, Master of Languages?” Nancy says the monikers teasingly, finger tips waving in the air in jest for dramatic effect. But there’s a film of honesty coating her words that makes Robin blush in embarrassment and she desperately hopes the ugly fluorescents do a good job of hiding it.
“Ah. Yeah, um, nothing quite like your one, no. She was justified, I think. It just sucks that she was.” Now Robin is the one who can feel tears pricking her eyes again, so she stares directly upwards into the light, hoping it’ll stop. She’s trying to regulate her breathing, trying to fight back the edge of panic she can feel setting in when Nancy’s voice, crisp and commanding, cuts through the fog.
“I’m going to touch your face for a moment, alright?” Nancy asking instead of just doing the action is what makes Robin nod her head slowly in agreement. She cups the edges of Robin’s face with both her hands, careful not to overstep the boundaries of their peculiar friendship nor set off her panic any further, and tilts her head downwards so Robin’s looking her in the eyes. A few tears slip down her face, cooling where her earlier flush has only just started receding, but she doesn’t break into sobs so that’s a win in her books. They stare at each other for a few beats, Robin trying to mimic the breaths Nancy is overexaggerating so she can follow along, while the thumbs of Nancy’s hands slowly and gently swipe away her tears. The grounding touch and breathing techniques slowly work their magic, and eventually she doesn’t feel like her lungs are going to exit her chest anymore. Seeing that Robin is back in the room, Nancy takes a chance at speaking again.
“Robin. No matter how you might think she was justified, you’re still allowed to be mad she did it. I’m not going to decide for you whether it was right or not, that’s your prerogative. But you let me get mad at Jonathan, so I’m here to do that for you too. Whoever she was, she still sucks for breaking your heart. Understanding doesn’t unbreak your heart, feeling it out might, though.” And oh, this is what unravels her. It’s not Steve gentle understanding, or her own private spiralling, but Nancy Wheeler gently holding the sides of her face with a soft smile and telling her it's okay to be mad, that it’s okay to understand and not have that be all she does. So, Robin breaks and the tears cascade down her face in full force.
“It fucking hurts so bad, Nance. She broke up with me because she wasn’t ready to be out. I understood that, I always did. I knew she wasn’t ready and I was willing to be her secret until she was. Even if that was long after we left Hawkins in the dust, I was so willing to wait. I know what it's like to be forced out before you’re ready. Fuck, you remember what it was like for me last year. Hawkins sucks and homophobes never learn to fuck off, so I was happy to be her secret! But she wasn’t ready to be mine. She told me I deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be seen with her; said that even if we stayed a secret she’d never stop looking over her shoulder to see if anyone could tell we looked at each other differently, and what the fuck could I say to that? That I’d never look at her? I don’t.. It’s just.. I understand where she was coming from, I do, but she didn’t even let me fight for us. It’s like she’d made up her mind before we ever even talked.” Her anger leeches out of her at the end of her rant, tears splashing onto her hands where she’s been wildly gesticulating in the space between them. She wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to hit something, she just… wants, but Nancy is looking at her with so much unbearable understanding that it's the urge to cry about this one last time that wins.
Sobs wrack through her chest again, and to her surprise, something in Nancy’s face shatters at the same time, tears returning at full force. It’s instinct more than anything else that guides the hands previously gesticulating wildly between them to land softly on Nancy’s back, right palm curling left around the small of her back while the left gently curls over her right arm to rest solidly on her shoulderblade. Nancy seems to take this as permission, hands sliding off Robin’s face to curl around her torso as she crashes them both into a bone-crushing hug. Robin’s hands clutch onto her for dear life, a lighthouse in the storm, and she’s staggered to realise Nancy is doing the same as she shakes with her cries again.
They stay there for a while, crying out the last beats of their shitty love lifes in a vile school bathroom, the strange comfort of finding someone who understands settling over them like the first rays of summer sun. When she finally feels like she’s all cried out, she tries centering herself by looking up at the mirror behind Nancy’s back from where her head has settled onto Nancy’s shoulder. It’s only then that she notices that though Nancy’s stopped crying, her head stays where it has tucked itself under Robin’s chin, hands still desperately wrapped around her midsection, and flushes bright red again. We certainly make an interesting pair. If only the unemployed losers who waste time spinning up rumours could see us now, is the only disjointed thought that crosses her mind as she ponders what kind of rumours anyone walking in now would kick up. The thought of rumours makes her freeze as the one thing she didn’t tell Steve floats back to the top of her mind. She decides maybe she can tell Nancy this one secret here - where the world is just them and their broken hearts. “Y’know… Sometimes… Sometimes I think she was right. That I’m not even worth hiding for.”
Nancy pulls back in an instant, and the look in her eyes killing the joking words Robin was about to spew to soften her admission in their tracks. She looks positively murderous.
“Fuck her.” Nancy venomously bites out.
“Nance…” Robin tries to defend Vickie, because there’s nothing wrong with being afraid of being who they are in a shitty town like Hawkins, but Nancy is already on a roll.
“No, I’m serious. I don’t mean fuck her choice to stay in the closet. That’s deeply personal and this town can eat rocks for the way some of them treat you. But no, fuck her for making you feel like you aren’t worth the effort. Fuck them both! We’ve been in the same AP classes for years, you rule the school broadcast and the way I do the newspaper. We’re accomplished, smart and driven women, no one should make us feel like we aren’t worth the effort. They don’t know what they’re missing out on!” Nancy looks like she’s come to a sort of revelation, and Robin is ever so thankful that that distracts her from the way Robin’s flush has spread deep down her neck at Nancy complimenting her.
“Well, I don’t know about all that. I think I’m just a band geek with phenomenal music taste and an overabundance of words waiting in queue to leave my mouth. You, though, you’re a shooting star and everyone else is just lucky to catch your trail.” The words leave her mouth entirely out of her own control and she’s horrified to realise that what was intended as self deprecation with a compliment sounds an awful lot like flirting instead. Jesus Christ, I’m blaming teenage hormones for that one. Please don’t point it out Wheeler, I think I’ll die.
Instead of questioning her intentions, Nancy surprises her when an earnest, “Thank you.” slips out of her mouth, and Robin’s embarrassment is briefly overridden by her pride and having helped Nancy out of her funk. She then pinches Robin’s shoulders where her arms are still resting, biting out a reprimanding, “And don’t talk yourself down. If I’m a shooting star, you’re the telescope that discovered me.”
Robin decides to entirely ignore the implication of that; she knows Pandora’s box when she sees it, and instead turns her head down again, braving eye contact with Nancy so she can see how much she means her next words, “You’re welcome, and thank you. For all of that. I love Steve but he can be so Steve about stuff sometimes. y’know? I really needed that.” She punctuates the statement with a grin she can feel reaches her eyes.
Nancy tilts her head down, face hiding behind a curtain of curls as she responds, “Right back at you, Buckley. I love Barb but well, she too can be so Barb about stuff. Best friends, am I right?” A fond laugh escapes her throat as she says it, high pitched and lighter than Robin’s ever heard it, and she is unbearably charmed.
[If Robin knew where to look, she might have noticed the way the tips of Nancy’s ears went bright red when she grinned at her, but they’re not there yet.]
They both seem to realise how entangled they’ve become at the same time and jerk apart, nervous laughter scattering in the air between them as Nancy hops off the counter. They clear off their mascara tracks for the nth time today, mindless grumbling about how there’s still any left escaping both of them. A few minutes of calm camaraderie pass between them before they both feel ready to face the world again.
Nancy cranes her head up to look at her, height gained via the counter lost now, before “Thanks again for this Rob, lets hopefully never do this again.” Her voice lilts and the accompanying smile is teasing, so Robin takes no offence and huffs a laugh.
Robin feels more than thinks about the way her mouth tilts sideways in a half smile as she responds, “Yeah, let’s maybe not make a habit of being dumped on the same day and then crying about in a revolting school bathroom. The smell of teenage angst and bleach is certainly not my idea of a prime hang out spot. Maybe next time we cry somewhere nice, like a beach? Some sun, the sand and the ocean breeze sounds really good right about now.” She tacks on, happy to indulge in the light air around them for a bit longer, any shred of possible leniency for being late to class long since lost. They just stare at each other, softly smiling, before the ringing of the final bell jars them back to reality.
“Shit, Wheeler. Do you think missing one class knocks our chances of being Valedictorian and Salutatorian down by much?” Robin gasps, a bit panicked at the idea the school might call her parents.
“I don’t think we have as much competition as you think we do, Buckley. I’ll come up with something to cover us though - maybe a joint project between the school paper and your Friday morning show that got knocked off schedule?” Nancy shoots out immediately, and all Robin can think is Nancy Wheeler, ever quick on her feet and always a lifesaver. It’s because of her response that Robin looks down, eyes refusing to see the spark of ingenuity in her eyes, and notices how there’s black smudges all across the front of Nancy’s pink top, assumedly the smudged mascara that refuses to leave either of them alone today, and takes off her coat. It’s a soft well-worn denim thing, the edges fraying from where she’s picked at its edges for years, black fur lining the collar and patches scattered intermittently across it. It’s so Robin Buckley it would be a bit hard to miss, but she offers it to Nancy anyway.
“To cover up your top. Whatever dumb rumours they might make up about you, we can’t let them win.” Robin punctuates the statement with a wink and playfully shakes her coat at Nancy, unsure where this energy is coming from but happy to roll with it. She starts to feel awkward about the offer when Nancy just stares at her for a minute, and goes to retract the coat, “Actually yeah, this might make some distinctly worse rumours about you crop up,” when Nancy’s arm shoots out to grab it. She slides it on like second nature, like this has always been a thing they do, and it's almost comical how it dwarfs her small frame with its size. Something in Robin’s heart twinges seeing Nancy in her jacket, but she firmly ignores it. Instead she focuses on how her black jacket perfectly matches Nancy’s black skirt and how lovely it makes her Nope, Not going to think about that whatsoever. She swings her gaze back up to Nancy’s to avoid whatever that had been.
“Buckley, you might have given me a fantastic idea.” Nancy has an almost crazed look in her eyes, one Robin recognizes from a ridiculous night this past Summer when Nancy somehow convinced her to commit some B&E for a case she was working on, and Robin is afraid.
“Wheeler, last time you looked at me like that I nearly got arrested.” Robin tries desperately to not find out what’s at the end of this conversation, but Nancy is on a mission and Robin is definitely going to be collateral to it.
“Date me.” Is what comes out of her mouth next, and Robin feels positively faint.
“Nancy, what the fuck?” The strangled way the words leave her mouth almost sound like gibberish, but she’s too flustered to even attempt saying them again.
“No seriously, hear me out. I want Jonathan to see what he’s missing out on, and you want your ex to at least consider dating you in secret if not out in the open. Two birds, one stone - Jonathan can see us having a great time, and your ex can see, as you put it, ‘Nancy freaking Wheeler’ out and proud and dating a woman. Think about it! If someone as popular as I am is proudly going on dates with a woman, it might make it easier for her to consider at least seeing you in secret, or better yet, someone else brave enough to date you in public might turn up!” Nancy seems so excited by her suggestion, but Robin feels her eyebrow twitch up in anger.
“Nancy, this isn’t a game. Think about what you’re saying, you can’t just come out as queer and suffer no repercussions. You could get hatecrimed, lose your letters of recommendation or worse, and you’re not even gay! You were there when I was outed, you know how hard it was for me; you can’t possibly want to go through that yourself. It’s not fun and games Nance, you could get hurt. I’d never forgive myself if I was the reason you got hurt.” Robin is pleading, she knows she is, but she can’t let Nancy bulldoze her way into something that could ruin her life, not for her and definitely not to get Jonathan fucking Byers back.
Nancy’s face sobers up as she peers at Robin, excitement drained but the fire in her eyes still burning, “I want to do this Robin. I didn’t say ‘fake’ date me for a reason; I’m asking you to actually date me. Just give me six months, after that we return to normal: partners in crime, inside jokes at movie night, the whole nine yards, except we’ll be better friends. Also, you don’t know my sexuality, so please don’t insist on that. I’m asking you for a reason. We might not be close friends, but I know what kind of person you are, and I hope you know the same about me. You’re the safest person I could ask to do this, and I hope I can offer you the same. Six months, that’s all I’m asking.” And Nancy is being so very earnest now, head tilted to the side as she studies Robin for a reaction, but all Robin can hear echoing in her head is ‘you don’t know my sexuality’ because, what?
“Nancy. Let me get this straight, you want us to do what? Rebound with each other? Huh?” Robin cannot think of a single other option as the words tumble out of her mouth, she’s not even sure if any of this conversation is real anymore, nor how they got here.
“No, well, yes if that’s what you want, but no. I’m saying we’ll try dating for six months. Jon told me I need to experience senior year and your ex told you she wasn’t even ready to be your secret. Six months is a pretty long time; it’ll give me some experience I’m lacking and it’ll let you feel what it will be like to date women in public when you leave Hawkins.” Nancy is desperately not making the eye contact Robin is seeking from her to try and read her, but she can see from the set of her shoulders and the way she’s pulling Robin’s jacket in tight around her that she means this. She’s scared of what she’s saying, but she absolutely set in her decision. Their earlier conversation floats to the front of her mind, and so Robin tries something from Nancy’s book.
“I’m going to touch your face for a moment, alright?” Robin mimics Nancy’s earlier statement, voice pitched low and comforting, and instead of just doing the action waits for a nod yes or no. Nancy must recognise her own words, because her nod yes is decisive. Robin tilts her face up to look her in the eyes, before, “If we do this, we create ground rules. Not right now, right now people will be milling around and on their way to leave or to this very restroom. You have to promise you mean it, Nancy. This is dangerous, but I’m willing to do it if you are. Just. No matter what happens, this can’t ruin our friendship. I don’t think I can do party movie nights without you there to occasionally make digs at the other losers with.” She softens her statement with the sentiment at the end, but keeps her eyes directly on Nancy’s.
Nancy leans a little into the palm that’s holding her face, cheek soft against Robin’s calloused palms and eyes gentle yet determined. Robin feels her heart spasm in her chest at the heart-melting sight before Nancy’s nodding and placing her own palm over where Robin’s rests on her face. “Ground rules I can do. I can come pick you up after your shift today? Drive you somewhere and we can talk? I’ll even take you home after.” Robin absently nods in agreement, brain latching onto ‘take you home after’ in a completely different context to the way it’s being said and mind is just screaming Jesus Christ, no wonder all the boys fold over for her. How is she naturally this charming? She marvels instead at how small Nancy’s hand looks resting over hers, and briefly wonders what it might be like to hold it.
Her eyes sharpen in an instant, soft look now challenging, “Oh, I’m keeping this jacket by the way. That’s my first ground rule: I’m going to walk out of this bathroom wearing your jacket, and let the rumour mill do whatever the fuck it wants when you walk out after me.” Nancy honest to god smirks at the end of her statement, squeezing Robin’s hand firmly to knock her back into the conversation.
“Uh yeah, sure, whatever you want. What?” Robin blinks dumbly at her, and Nancy giggles, endeared.
Nancy squeezes her hand one last time before lowering it and stepping away from Robin, giving both of them some much needed space. “I’m going to head off now, gotta give Mike a ride before he complains about missing prep time for D&D. I’ll see you after work, Buckley.” Then winks as she leaves.
Robin is jarred back into her body proper as Nancy opens the door and the sound of tens of students loudly complaining in the hallways hits her ears. She slaps both her palms to her face to make sure she’s actually awake and didn’t just dream about the fact that Nancy Wheeler asked her to date her. Nope, apparently I’m actually awake. What? I need Steve, stat. Is the last thing she thinks before rushing out the door a minute behind Nancy, power walking to her locker to grab her stuff before speeding to where she knows Steve will be in the parking lot waiting for her.
The last thing either one of them thinks as Nancy gets to Mike who’s impatiently leaning against her car, and Robin gets to Steve who's enthusiastically waving at her is a thought shared in a line between them:
What the hell did I just get myself into?