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ALTERNATE *SOLARBALLS (2022)* UNIVERSE 95233259WYR

SUNDAY, 15 JULY 2007AZ:

The giant planets’ illnesses worsened exponentially as they suffered delirious fevers, severe coughing-vomiting fits, and head-colds. Their natural satellites didn’t fare any better, though symptoms were slightly milder. On the flipside, the Sun and his terrestrial planets (plus their moons) didn’t experience any sickness since they developed hyperthermic immunity.

Then suddenly, they were transported to a pocket dimension resembling a wide endless hallway with infinite rooms behind doors. But that wasn’t all—the entire Solar System (including a familiar navy blue ice giant) gained humanoid bodies yet retained their original atmospheric-surface colors. Planet X honestly had no idea why he was there, managing to convince the others.

After he apologized profusely for his past behavior, they all forgave him as they reminded themselves of their own mistakes. In return, his siblings informed him about the hardships they endured under the Sun’s upscaled paranoia and abusive control disguised as fear and concern for his orbiters. Since their bodies were anthropomorphic now, their illnesses disappeared.

But Planet X felt guiltier than ever, realizing he could’ve prevented this if he hadn’t run away from his problems or dealt with it healthily in the first place. Because of this, he especially made amends with Uranus and Proteus, promising to do better from now on. And the planetary moons were finally encouraged by his words to take full accountability for the Moon Revolution.

Turns out, their actions and motivations weren’t as understandable as they initially thought. Attempted murder and terrorism were never the answers to ignorant insults from a deeply insecure planet (who suffered physical pain on a daily basis). It’s not like Earth was always a conceited jerk. This attitude only lasted a couple of months, not several years.

Others have acted way worse than him, that too for a much longer time. The main difference was—Earth was the only one called out for it. Saturn’s eight largest moons (minus Tethys and Rhea) berated him for his poor nominal memory, which was frankly ableist. Yes, it’s frustrating to have your planet constantly mispronounce your names, but it’s the moons’ job to correct them.

Until last year, did they do that? Nope! Instead, they whined like spoiled brats who didn’t receive their favorite toy for once. Hell, they were hypocrites too (except Iapetus)! Mimas, Enceladus, Dione, Titan, and Hyperion barely knew most of the smaller moons’ names by heart, so how could they expect Saturn to do it?! It was hard memorizing hundreds of names.

Anyway—the Solar System was interrupted before more confessions and apologies could be made. An unknown figure took the spotlight, showing them where the Sun was located—muffled protests escaping his lips. Apparently he was tied to a chair with duct tape, a dozen tissues stuffed into his mouth. His orbiters were surprised yet relieved that he couldn’t control them now.

Regardless, one suspicious dwarf planet stood up, wavy red hair flowing.

[SEDNA]: Who are you? And what do you want with us?

[ORCUS]: And how come the Sun’s tied up?

[ERIS]: We’re grateful for it, but still…what they said.

[UNKNOWN]: I will explain in a moment.

The voice sounded like a familiar sub-brown dwarf leader, according to Planet X. No longer a silhouette, he instantly recognized her, but she shushed him before he could speak further.

[SIMP0136]: I’m the one who brought you all here.

[SEDNA]: Why?

[SIMP0136]: Because I’m giving you a chance…to finally seize control from your tyrannical star.

[SUN]: Mmph mmph mm-mm-mmph!

[GONGGONG]: Gong gong gong gong?

[QUAOAR]: I have no idea.

[SIMP0136]: (to Sol) You can protest all you want—but you’re gonna face the consequences either way.

[SUN]: (shaking head quickly) Mmph! Mmph!!

[SIMP0136]: (huffing) You should’ve made better choices then.

[JUPITER]: (raising hand) Uh…excuse me, ma’am? Thanks for saving us, but um…may I ask what’s going on here? And why is the Sun…you know…?

[SIMP0136]: (gently) Like I told Sedna…you finally have a choice to determine your own fate. You no longer have to tolerate anymore abuse, neglect, and fear-mongering from him.

The Sun’s orbiters hummed thoughtfully, considering her words.

[SUN]: (pleading) Mmph! Mmph mmph mmph!

His oldest planet and ignored him as he faced the sub-brown dwarf manifestation.

[SIMP0136]: Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is SIMP0136.

[JUPITER]: Oh…uh…I’m Jupiter, and these are my siblings. It’s nice to meet you…I-I guess.

[SIMP0136]: (truthfully) Likewise.

She was a T2.5V sub-brown dwarf aged 200 million years with 12.7 Jovian masses and 1.22 Jovian radii. Kneeling in front of the Sun, she grinned widely.

[SIMP0136]: You know, dear cousin…it’s funny how we were born in the same galaxy, yet we’ve treated our systems variably.

[DIONE]: Wait—your system?

[PLANET X]: (muttering) She never told me that…

[SIMP0136]: (nostalgically) I also had planets and thousands of asteroids…but I’ll answer that question another time. Right now, we have a job to do.

[SEDNA]: (warily) Okay.

[SIMP0136]: Jupiter, please come forward.

[JUPITER]: Uh—sure.

The sub-brown dwarf turned Helios’ chair so that he was facing the gas giant directly, importuning eyes meeting fatigued ones.

[SIMP0136]: We’re gonna play something called ‘Would You Rather’. I’m sure you’ve all heard of this game.

[VENUS]: (gruffly) Vaguely.

[SIMP0136]: (amused) I’ll take that as a yes. So here are the rules—I’ll give each participant 2-3 choices, and they have to pick one.

[SEDNA]: (narrowed brows) And are these choices gonna be uncomfortable?

[SIMP0136]: I’ll make sure it’s fairly easy on your end. (glowering at the Sun) I can’t say the same for your star.

[JUPITER]: (understanding nod) Alright…I-I think I’ve got it.

[SIMP0136]: Good—shall we begin?

[JUPITER]: Yes.

[SIMP0136]: Now…would you rather slap the Sun’s cheek really hard or punch his face?

[JUPITER]: Is this happening once or…?

[SIMP0136]: Multiple punches could kill him—and we can’t do that. (small grin) So I’d suggest…do it once.

[JUPITER]: (bobbing head) Alright.

He remembered every cruel remark, every insult and injury caused by solar flares or paranoid assumptions, his long-term banishment, everytime the Sun placed them in grave danger for the so-called ‘greater good’. Yep—Zeus knew what his choice would be. Three seconds later, Sol winced in pain as his nose cracked, crimson liquid flowing from it.

[JUPITER]: (fuming) That was long overdue.

He then yanked the kleenex out of his star’s mouth and threw it in the trash, which rendered the Sun speechless.

[SIMP0136]: How did that feel?

[JUPITER]: Oddly—satisfying.

[SIMP0136]: That’s good. Saturn, you’re next—but I have a different task for you.

[SATURN]: (stepping forward) Oh, um—o-okay.

[SIMP0136]: (tapping fingers on chair) Would you rather…banish your star into interstellar space, from the Milky Way altogether, or outside the Local Group? FYI, he’ll still remain in the Laniakea Supercluster.

[SUN]: (fearfully) No—!

Another pile of napkins were shoved into his mouth to shut him up.

[SATURN]: I-I have three choices?

[SIMP0136]: Yes.

[HYPERION]: (hissing) Choose #3!

[DIONE]: (mouthing) What he said!

[TITAN]: (whispering) Guys, don’t pressure him!

[SATURN]: (nervously) Um, w-well…what’s the third option again?

[SIMP0136]: Banishing the Sun from our galactic cluster.

[SATURN]: But won’t he be able to return?

[SIMP0136]: He probably wouldn’t have the heart to…assuming he had one to begin with.

[SATURN]: I guess that makes sense. (to his siblings) What do you all think?

[TRITON]: One hundred percent.

[PROTEUS]: Exactly—kick him out!

[LARISSA]: Get that nasty dictator outta here!

[NEREID]: Yeah! Neptune almost died because of him!

[HALIMEDE]: So we also vote #3!

[SIMP0136]: (chuckling) That’ll be arranged—after the game, of course.

Saturn returned to the crowd and stood next to Jupiter.

[SUN]: (squeaking) Mmph!

[SIMP0136]: (kicking his shin hard) Next is Uranus.

[URANUS]: (approaching them) Uh…hi.

[SIMP0136]: (smiling) Hello.

[URANUS]: So…what are my options?

[SIMP0136]: Would you rather the Sun permanently lose his ability to use gravity on others or cast solar flares?

[URANUS]: Oh that’s easy! Gravity, obviously…because it hurts when your core is pulled, especially without your consent. At least we can still dodge solar flares.

[SIMP0136]: Your request has been accepted. Soon, your star will no longer be able to use his gravity on anyone else.

[SEDNA]: How?

[SIMP0136]: Mystic energy is all around us. The Celestial Dimension is full of it.

[SEDNA]: Celestial Dimension? Is that where we are?

[SIMP0136]: No, we’re in the Main Dimension. Here, we have anthropomorphic bodies. The Celestial Dimension is where we usually reside…in our celestial forms.

[ORCUS]: Whoa! Different forms?

[SIMP0136]: Yes, but it depends on which dimension you’re in. Here, we have similar features to humanoid species, with the exception of our skin colors.

[SEDNA]: What about your promises? How can we trust that you’ll keep your word and not betray us?

[SIMP0136]: Planet X can vouch for me.

[PLANET X]: Uh…

[SEDNA]: He doesn’t sound sure. I’ll believe it when I see it.

[PLANET X]: I mean, she did tell me the truth about the Rogue Planet Kingdom…eventually.

[JUPITER]: Wait—you’re a rogue planet?

[SIMP0136]: Not exactly—I’m an isolated sub-brown dwarf, but I do float in interstellar space.

[PLANET X]: Which you should’ve told me in the first place.

[SIMP0136]: (pursed lips) I needed to know I could trust you, so perhaps I tweaked a few details at first.

[PLANET X]: (eye roll) Good to know.

[SIMP0136]: Now—shall we continue?

[SEDNA]: Whatever…

[SIMP0136]: Neptune, you’re next.

[NEPTUNE]: Yay! I love games!

He came forward enthusiastically while Uranus sat next to the other ringed planet.

[SIMP0136]: Would you rather the Sun look after intracluster rogue planets under strict supervision, or be forbidden from having planets orbit him ever again?

[NEPTUNE]: Hmm…I’ll choose the second option! Who knows what tricks he’ll pull otherwise?

Sol averted his gaze, blinking back tears as he realized he’d be alone pretty much for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, the ocean blue ice giant happily stood by his older twin.

[SIMP0136]: Mercury, it’s your turn.

He obediently walked up to them.

[SIMP0136]: Would you rather the Sun attend mandatory therapy sessions with other intracluster rogue stars in his vicinity, or face eternal solitary confinement?

[MERCURY]: Option 1.

[SIMP0136]: How come?

[MERCURY]: As much as the Sun badly hurt us…what he needed from the beginning was professional help, which he didn’t have access to. It’ll hopefully improve his mental health, while permanent solitude will only make it worse.

[SIMP0136]: I suppose that’s fair. Venus, come forth.

The innermost planet returned to his original spot while the hothead power-walked forward.

[VENUS]: Let’s get this over with.

[SIMP0136]: Would you rather have your star’s probation officer be a stellar-mass black hole, neutron star, or white dwarf?

[VENUS]: Pfft—why does that matter?

[SIMP0136]: Amount of gravity.

[VENUS]: I dunno…whoever has the strongest pull or whatever.

[SIMP0136]: That would be a black hole.

[VENUS]: (annoyed) Okay fine, I pick that. Happy?

[SIMP0136]: (lopsided grin) Very.

[VENUS]: (returning to crowd) Great.

[SIMP0136]: Earth?

[EARTH]: I’m here.

He stood in front of her and his host star, examining his broken nose.

[SIMP0136]: Would you rather learn the details of the Sun’s hypocrisy? Or be kept in the dark until his banishment?

[EARTH]: Actually…I’d like answers now, please. I’m sure my siblings wanna know too.

[SIMP0136]: As you wish.

She borrowed an HD hologram and flashed it in front of the Solar System, pressing PLAY. They witnessed a 500 thousand-year-old Sun accidentally moving from his orbit, killing five ringless protoplanets in the process. Ten minutes later, the video paused as the hologram disappeared.

[JUPITER]: (glowering at Sol) You…you fucking hypocrite! All these years you blamed us for everything when you…you…! How dare you!!

[SATURN]: (disgusted) Exactly! I hope you rot in hell wherever SIMP sends you.

The yellow dwarf simply blinked at them, not knowing what to say. It’s not like he could though, since there was stuffed kleenex in his mouth.

[SIMP0136]: Mars, you’re next. (he approaches her) Would you rather slap the Sun’s left cheek or right cheek?

[MARS]: How hard are we talking?

[SIMP0136]: It’s up to you.

He smiled and struck Sol’s left cheek without a second thought, leaving a pale red mark as the latter’s face displayed humiliation.

[SIMP0136]: Satisfied?

[MARS]: Extremely.

He leaned forward and growled angrily at Sol.

[MARS]: That’s for lying to us without feeling any fucking remorse, treating us like lower beings, constantly abusing and neglecting us, and on top of that—refusing to take responsibility for it!

The sub-brown dwarf removed the napkins from Sol’s mouth as he spit out remaining bits of paper.

[SUN]: (screeching) What the fuck?! How dare you try to —

[SIMP0136]: (calmly) This was inevitable.

[SUN]: (ignorantly) So what —

[SIMP0136]: (curtly) You really thought you could get away with this? Did you not hear your orbiters before? You committed domestic violence against them! That makes you an abuser.

[SUN]: Don’t throw those words around! There’s a difference between abuse and discipline —

[SIMP0136]: You’re right—there is a difference, but what you did is considered abuse, not discipline.

[SUN]: I had to!! Because they kept disobeying me!!

[SIMP0136]: No, you chose to do that. You could’ve protected them the right way, but instead you decided that maintaining your fragile ego at the expense of their wellbeing was necessary. Well news flash—it wasn’t.

[SUN]: Oh you’re one to talk!! You tied me to a chair with duct tape!!

[SIMP0136]: Because that’s the only way people like you respond—fear and intimidation. Kindness and compassion wouldn’t have worked.

[SUN]: (flustered) I…I-I —

[SIMP0136]: (firmly) Time to go. Say your goodbyes.

After two minutes of petty silence, she dragged him towards the glowing red portal.

[MERCURY]: (disappointed) This is for your own good, Sun. One day, you’ll understand.

Sending him through it, everyone else was instantly transported back to the Celestial Dimension, regaining their astronomical-shaped bodies. SIMP0136 returned to the Rogue Planet Base of Operations while the Solar System went back to their original residence.

[PLUTO]: Oh good, we’re back.

[SEDNA]: About time.

Earth received a bonus gift as well—artificial rotating sunlight plus moonlight to protect his organisms, so he didn’t require a star or moon to stabilize his physical parameters. He was fully independent, which Luna was surprisingly proud of.

[MARS]: So…what now?

[JUPITER]: I dunno…what d’you guys wanna do?

[URANUS]: Find a new home…?

[JUPITER]: Sure, we could do that.

[NEPTUNE]: Let’s go!

They escaped the system’s dissolved halo and began their journey into interstellar space.