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You are so beautiful. In Your every move, there is that exact energy i am missing. Every breath You take makes me feel so much more.. right. I have been born to become You in Your immaculate entirety, for it is Your reason for existence as well. We are the two parts of the same wicked mirror, and You are the reflection, waiting for me to match. Your lack of fear comes from the divine purpose bestowed upon Your every fiber. You are my mirror. The perfect suit for which i am breaking bones, not only mine but Yours too. Deep down, You know that just as well.
So why does it scare You, Kafka?
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On the first day, You gave a name to my disease.
The winter howled outside of the café i frequented with my dear sister. Our schedules finally aligned, – her band meeting had been cancelled, so i was persuaded to take a break from my rehearsals as well, – and we decided to indulge ourselves with some pastries. The soft dough melted on my tongue with every bite while Robin was chirping about her first university exams ever; of course, her hard work had payed off beautifully and all of the results were perfect.
"I haven't informed Father yet, because the committee only published the final lists this morning," her apologetic smile was as sweet as a strawberry on my danish. Looking for the right words, she fidgeted with her fork nervously. "But maybe you could tell him instead? It's just... The more I postpone the more reluctant I am to text him at all!"
How utterly adorable she was in that moment; almost absurdly so, with the jazz playing quietly in the background. I reached to ruffle Robin's hair gently, reassuring her that Father could never be upset with her.
And within that swirl of bliss i almost missed Your figure entering. The first time i saw You was when Your silly head still knew naught of Your divinity. There were mere confidence in Your every step and naïve comfort of being within that delicate skin. It was the moment of a precious realization – i was not wrong. My body was, but You would fix it very, very soon.
You were swarmed by the girls from my university, i even knew some of their names, but it all slipped out of my mind, freeing up place for the every detail of You. The way Your silky hair flowed with both grace and color of red wine, dextrous fingers came to put a strand behind that girl's ear (oh, how all of us would regret that flirty little deed), eyes with pink contacts shone with mischief, neck flexed slightly to face the menu, and voice—
"Hello, sweetheart. Listen, be a dear, fetch me some strawberry danish and gluhwein."
How i regret not cutting it out of Your throat right there. Not sure what had stopped me at that moment – the swarm around You proposing to pay and giving the same order to the poor cashier, or Robin finally noticing my unblinking gaze upon You – but the fact that i have managed to lose my chances still bugs me.
"S̶̖͕̲̜̓̃ų̸̧̲͔̜̔̀̈́͋͝ǹ̸̛͙̥͔̈́̒͆̍͘d̸̡̼͙͉̟̈͒̀̈́̑͗ay̷̟̖̯̔͘?" She called out before looking into Your direction as well. "Is something wrong?"
"Ah, no-no... I think i was merely surprised to see a brand new face amongst my peers all of a sudden," i did my best to keep my voice free of overwhelming delight Your presence had brought me. "Do you, perhaps, know anything about that lady with wine hair?"
"Ah, Kafka? The girls at the dorm has been talking about her non-stop! She is a talented violin teacher from a province, and her local musical school had been begging our university to let her pass the final exams here and get a proper diploma," Robin said on one breath, seemingly excited for me to take interest in anyone at all. "She is the girl, you know? Pretty, smart, witty, talented. Everyone just keeps wondering why she decided to say in her little town for so long..."
Girlhood.
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On the second day, You showed me a solution.
A week later, the second semester had started. I already knew Your curriculum, and all Your precious friends, alive and not so. Getting rid of the one You acted overly touchy with was rather easy; for all the praise our university got for its security, distance of just a few blocks away were safe enough to make her a dogfood.
"Good morning, Miss Kafka! It's an honor to meet You," Professor Note greeted You, quickly filling Your ears with polite nonsense. I zoned out, studying Your posture, for it was soon to become my own. Left arm under Your perfect bosom, right one with its middle finger laying gently on Your chin, You leaning towards professor who was looking.. at me now?
"...If You have any questions regarding the materials You must include in the final report, feel free to ask ̵̠͎̬̐̈́̈́M̴̫̓͐̃̾r̶̥̭̚.̸͖̫̬̈̆ ̵͍̘̟͐Ẇ̸͙̹̱̚͘ȍ̶͎̝͐o̵̘̮͗͊͌̐d̷̗͎̆̂̀̑̕ " she pointed at me, and i have never felt that ashamed of my existence. Still, i smiled as sincerely as i could to You.
"May I sit with ḧ̷̙͉̰͇̣̫́̂̚i̶̤̿́̓̊͑m̴̳͈͗͊̊́̔ for this lecture then? Since I am not technically obligated to earn credit, I'd like to focus fully on rehearsals," You were so sweet, who could refuse You? Of course You may.
You were unaware at that moment, but this was Your first and last time visiting the university. I believe it is so lovely that You did not fail at music for all of this to happen. You were just so...
Yourself.
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"Heyyyy, Kafka!" I called out to You in the dorm hall. If You asked, i had been visiting my sister. Besides, You already started to like me – Your lovely microexpressions gave it away. I became one of Your girl friends; soon, i would be the only one. "Are you free today? I mean, my place is empty today, and forever now, so maybe we could study together? I have found sooo many notes about our committee."
"Ah, my dove!" How i loved that name during the limbo of having none. Even more i loved Your unsuspecting smile in the face of first injections already traversing my bloodstream and polluting my skin. "Helpful as ever, are we? Sure, I can make time for that."
None of us could pretend any longer, and the papers got scattered across the floor rather quickly. You were so beautiful under me – every rise off Your chest and the slightest pearls of sweat made me jealous of Your clothes, no, Your skin; i could barely keep it upon You when it was finally bared fully.
"Ah, such a naughty ̵̪̦̩́̍̀̈́b̸̜̀o̶͚̼͎̣͑̈́y̵̖̝̔̕͜͝ ̴̘͙̇͒͐̈, already undressing me," Your fearless demeanor was so short-lived, almost an insult to my efforts.
"A-a-actually... I think," i leaned to Your ear, still humping against Your soft thigh as You wrapped Your ankles around my waist; what a whore, "i might be a girl. I'm yet to.. to confess it to anyone, though already started transitioning."
"Oh? Naughty girl it is the—"
I promise, all of this happened because You wanted it, even though i leaned in first. Do not blame me for Your own lust. I just ceased a chance. And Your consciousness.
"Wakey-wakey," my voice already sounds more right, just being near You. "I'm not done with you yet."
The ropes are so perfect against Your bare skin, its color so close to that of Your hair. As close as Your wrists are to Your ankles. Why are You trying to break free from them? You know better than to fight our fate, right? I mentioned it to You before, and You said changing fate is out of our reach. So why am i seeing so much struggle?
"Ș̴̺̺͚̫̟̾̈́̒͑͗͒̈́͠u̸̹̗̲̯̲͈̫͆̆̂̈̌n̵̢̛̛̪̠̳̩̹̼̻͓͒̒̌͂̂́͠ņ̶̳̱͚͎̦̗̯̍̏̔͑̀̎ͅy̵̦̓̔̿͝ͅ, what the—" i cover Your filthy mouth with my hand.
"Forget that name. He does not exist anymore," all of him will be destroyed by the time i am done with You. Because You shall exist within me in his stead. "Call me Kafka, alrighty?"
✽❃✽❃✽❃
I covered all the mirrors and windows to avoid my yet imperfect reflection, and i never turn the light on so Your withering passes by unnoticed. The times moves differently, quicker, in the dark. Which is good for becoming the real me, but bad for the food. I bring what survives down into our sweet basement, but i can't bring myself to throw out the rot, You know? It is so regrettable i have to feed us mold. Good thing Father's body has been inside the basement this entire time. You can consume him to stay soft while i consume You to become perfect, bit by bit.
You cry that it is too much. It is pretty, no doubt, yet it seems You believe in this little lie too much. I hate it when You lose Your consciousness to mess with me; You are less warm that way, and i can't see Your eyes, Your wide open eyes, still trying to oppose the fate. They are the only way i see You, for my eyes cannot adjust to the lack of light, refuse to.
It is so painfully dark in here. I am tempted to blame You, to say it is Your fault, to call You the bad omen, to break Your skull and eat away Your fearless charm. I am the real You, Kafka. This dark is here to help us see the undeniable truth and let me merge with Your sweet body. I deserve it more. My body, my wrong body, is too cold, so i shall bury it within Yours.
Even if You whine about how You cannot bear it anymore, You are so slick and ready for me whenever i need You, gripping around my imperfections as Your numbed limbs shiver to close around me. I lean to press my heart against Yours, and oh how bony You are becoming. I need to feed You better, Your mission is not yet complete. There are still traces of.. him within me.
Not sure how far the fate will allow me to become perfect, but i doubt that my imperfect core will disappear on its own. It's alright for now. I can use it to feel the warmth of being inside You, and dump all that is wrong from my body into Yours.
"Tell me, do You still know where the difference between the two of us lies?"
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"Kafka... Please, untie me... It hurts..." I would like to say You are learning quickly, but the speed up time within the dark might be a more accurate reason. My chest already slips out of my hands whenever i try to cup it, though hormones alone could never achieve that. It must be our fate, to merge quicker within the obscurity. How reluctant i am to turn on the lights.
Perhaps just one more time? I need to feel You once again, and then, yes, i will be so very benevolent and untie You. You just need to be a good little vessel some more, and then all of Your sufferings shall end.
Just one more time, my dear.
Sing in my perfect voice.
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How filthy You look. Your head seems to have turned grey, or is it the periwinkle blue of his? Whatever. You are a disgusting shell of Yourself, only skin and bones, and scratchy voice, and all this weird hair a girl should not have. Your yellowed eyes are so dull. I can free You from this pathetic state, You pitiful little thing. Let's clean You up from these soiled sheets. How did You manage to make so much mess? Didn't i clean You up every so often?
Look, my dear. That is his Father, the first person i tried to confess to. He did not accept me though, and i had to help him understand. He does now, even if we only left a few pieces of his lungs uneaten. Do You want them? You better do, because i will feed You either way. Just as for it, and i may even cook him for You.
Keep quiet then.
Any wish of Yours is my compand.
Feeding You raw meat while
Knuckles deep inside Your throat?
Anything for You, my dear.
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"Oh my god, Kafka! Where have you disappeared for so long? We were so worried about you! Robin told us you would come back soon, so we trusted her and didn't call anywhere, but seriously, that was scary!"
"Aw, how sweet of you! But it's not like I disappeared for too long."
"A month is still far too long! Where have you been?"
"I was.. detoxing. So much has happened while I had to move to a big city. So when I received an opportunity to rest mentally, I gladly accepted."
"Could've at least warned us! Also, did you grow taller or something?"
"Ah, that? You can call it a side effect." What a nosy bitch that one is. I suppose she should join You inside my soft belly.