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Taesan couldn't provide the exact date when his relationship with Leehan changed from friends to something more.
They met in freshman year and had gotten close quickly in spite of their glaring differences in personality. No one would think an odd but sweet aspiring Marine Biologist and a stoic future Music Producer would have crossed paths but Taesan supposed he had to thank a mix-up on his part that he'd ended up in the Science building where he'd run into Leehan. Literally. He remembered apologizing frantically as he'd helped pick up fallen textbooks and not much else after Leehan giggled in that stilted, hiccuping way that he'd thought was weird at first but found incredibly charming at the same time.
Taesan had been gone for him almost immediately. What started as a slow descent became a freefall until Leehan had carved a space for himself in every crevice of Taesan's existence easily and without fanfare. Taesan couldn't have stopped him even if he'd wanted to, Leehan's brilliant determination and quietly insistent nature wouldn't have allowed it.
His days became marked by the dimple in Leehan's cheek every morning when he greeted him with a smile that was always warm and genuine, stretching his lips and turning his eyes into adorable little crescents that made Taesan's heart do a flip in his chest.
Seasons passed in the different ways the sunlight caught in his fluffy curls— black when they'd first met then varying shades of brown followed by a harrowing few months of an unearthly pretty shade of honey blond that had put Taesan in very real danger of choking on his own tongue more than a few times. Recently he'd settled on a shade the color of dark chocolate that made his already striking eyes stand out even more.
Evenings that had once been spent alone studying or working on music were traded with laughter about whatever nonsense their friend group had gotten up to that day over note revisions. Serious lectures about different aquatic life forms were interspersed with anecdotes about music production, both listened to with rapt attention.
Quiet nights eventually blurred the line between friendship and desire as they inevitably drifted into each other's orbit and lost themselves in touch and sensation. The creaking of bed springs, every gasp, pant and cry of Taesan's name in Leehan's dulcet voice became a symphony Taesan wanted to record and play on repeat until every note was echoed in the beat of his own heart.
Taesan had taken to keeping Leehan's favorite brand of ramyeon next to his own in the cupboard, a pack of gummies was always in his bag for those times when Leehan craved something sweet while they were out. His spare set of headphones sat in a drawer in Leehan's apartment next to about half of his wardrobe, some of it left voluntarily while others had migrated thanks to Leehan's sticky fingers. A small fish tank now took up space on his desk, the little red-blue betta fish inside a gift from Leehan for his birthday last year. The keychain Taesan had designed on a whim six months ago had a permanent place on Leehan's belt loop.
Dates were irrelevant.
What mattered was every little moment in between, every emotion and feeling that Taesan treasured but hadn't been able to give voice to just yet.
. ₊ ✧ ₊.
"You're staring."
Sungho's voice was bored, like it wasn't the first time he'd made the observation out loud.
Taesan ignored him and kept his eyes firmly locked on the scene before him. Leehan was sitting at a table across the lawn, waiting patiently for the arrival of his study partners from his ecology class. Five minutes ago some muscle-bound jock— who Taesan thought he recognized from the baseball game Woonhak had dragged them to last week— had approached and started to make small talk with Leehan. If Taesan were over there he would've already told the guy to fuck off but Leehan was a lot kinder than he was and listened to whatever nonsense the idiot was spouting with a smile that was warm and genuine.
Taesan found his inherently gentle nature deeply charming and absolutely maddening in turns.
"Oh! And there's the jealousy I was waiting for."
Sungho's tone bordered on practically gleeful now.
Taesan felt his lips twitch in a snarl when one of the meathead's hands reached out and pushed at Leehan's hoodie-clad shoulder in a gesture he probably thought looked casual but Taesan could read the intentions behind clear as day. It wasn't uncommon for people to flirt with Leehan; he was smart, sweet and beautiful after all. It was natural that other people would be attracted to him.
It didn't mean that Taesan had to like it.
The only thing that kept him from vaulting over the table was the fact that the hoodie Leehan was wearing happened to be one of his own. Leehan had snatched the oversized sweater out of his closet this morning in his mad rush around Taesan's bedroom after he'd spent the night— again— while trying not to be late for his 8 AM biology lecture. The worn black material practically swallowed him, making him look small and cute as he pulled the sleeves down over his fingers. Taesan felt a fond pang in his chest, the primal and possessive part of him preening at the sight of Leehan in his clothing.
Taesan felt the scowl melt from his face when starry eyes caught his across the courtyard. Leehan had obviously stopped paying attention to whatever jock-boy was saying to him. He watched a small grin curl at the corner of Leehan's plush pink mouth, lips that Taesan had kissed just a few short hours ago.
"And now you're smiling like a lovesick idiot. Again."
Taesan rolled his eyes, tried to smother another grin when Leehan tilted his head curiously at the action. Leehan shifted in his seat and the neckline of the hoodie slipped a little, exposing the marks he'd left on the younger's collarbone last night. Smug satisfaction washed away the last of his lingering discontent as Leehan's would-be suitor's eyes widened when he caught sight of them and the way he nearly tripped over his own feet as he beat a hasty retreat. Leehan frowned in confusion at his sudden exit but shrugged, eliciting a muffled chuckle out of Taesan as he watched Leehan pull out his phone to check his messages without a second thought.
Finally he deigned to turn his attention back towards the peanut gallery.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you'd suddenly decided to switch to a Psych major. What, Architecture not doing it for you anymore?"
Woonhak snorted and opened his mouth mid-bite to say something but stalled when Sungho levelled him with a warning look. The youngest had the decency to look sheepish for all of five seconds before he swallowed his mouthful of chicken and tried again.
"Sungho-hyung's not wrong though. You act like a guard dog whenever anyone talks to Leehanie-hyung for more than a couple of minutes."
Sungho's eyes went wide, platinum strands falling into his face as he nodded vehemently, "Seriously! You couldn't be any more obvious if you tried."
"I still don't understand why you haven't just asked him out properly," Woonhak gestured towards Leehan with his chopsticks, "You guys are practically dating already anyways."
"Not to mention they've been having sex for the better part of the last year and a half."
Taesan shot Jaehyun a scathing glare as the older man threw himself down into the seat next to him with a shit-eating grin, "I don't think anyone asked you. And you're late, by the way. We said we'd meet at 1."
"Sorry, sorry! I got caught up with something." Jaehyun's grin softened into a genuine smile, eyes going all soft and misty, "I ran into Riwoo when I got out of my Production seminar and ended up walking him to his dance class across campus. He had some extra time before it started so we were talking for a while."
"You reminded him about our date tonight, right?" Sungho jumped in, "My class ends at 6 so I'll pick both of you up around 7."
The trio had started dating about six months ago and they'd been insufferably cute about the whole thing. Taesan had had a great time making playful little jabs at the three of them about their new lovey-dovey status, mostly for his own amusement but also because it made Leehan and Woonhak laugh too.
Taesan scoffed and cocked an eyebrow at Sungho, "And you called me lovesick?"
"Pot, kettle Taesan-ah." Sungho raised his own right back at him, "You're not going to sit there and pretend we don't all know that's your hoodie that Leehan's wearing today, are you?"
Jaehyun leapt on that like a predator did its prey, "Leehanie texted around dinner last night asking me to stop by his apartment to feed the fish and then I never heard from him again. It's safe to assume he stayed at your place?"
He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Sungho just stared at Taesan with this look that said he already knew the answer. Taesan felt his ears burn hot and he refused to meet either of their eyes, "I—"
"Oh, look!" Woonhak's voice brightened with excitement, cutting off whatever response Taesan might have come up with, "Leehanie-hyung's coming over."
Taesan's head whipped up so that he could verify the words. Leehan crossed the courtyard slowly with his bag slung over his shoulder and Taesan could hear the gentle clink of his keychains rattling as he approached, the familiar little bunny pendant at the forefront of the pile.
The younger sat down in the empty space on the bench next to him, pressed himself close to Taesan's side so that he could feel his warmth. Taesan shot him a fond smile and leaned back, studiously ignoring Jaehyun's little stage whisper of "whipped" next to his ear like he wasn't the exact same for Riwoo and Sungho.
Taesan would admit; the others might have had a point.
He wanted to ask Leehan to be his boyfriend. Really, he did. But every time he thought about what he would say the words would get all jumbled and he'd bite them back, too afraid of messing things up between them to risk it. So instead his confessions took the shape of half thought-out lyrics scrawled in the margins of his notebook and incomplete melodies that lived only in his head.
As he watched his friends start to chat, Taesan silently promised himself that someday he'd finish the song.
Someday he'd give Leehan the confession he deserved.
Someday— even if it was just only for one day— he'd be brave enough to say the words out loud, regardless of if he regretted them or not.
. ₊ ✧ ₊.
The day came sooner than Taesan thought it would.
Weeks had passed since that day in the courtyard and the silent promise had weighed heavy in the back of his mind like a sword hanging above his head.
Nothing had changed about their routine in that time.
Leehan still spent most of his nights at Taesan's apartment and the nights he didn't found Taesan in his living room, bathed under the soothing blue light of Leehan's fish tank. They walked each other to their classes, Taesan would force a granola bar into Leehan's hand when he noticed the younger hadn't eaten anything all day, they'd hang out with their friends where Taesan would endure the suggestive eyebrow raises from Jaehyun and the knowing smiles from Sungho, Riwoo and Woonhak whenever Leehan snuggled into his side instinctively.
But suddenly it all felt like too much. Like Taesan was going to explode if he didn't say something soon.
The lyrics still sat on the paper, portions scratched out and rewritten so many times that the ink had bled through the pages. Countless media files in his laptop were marked as in progress, each attempt at the melody more frustrating than the last.
It all came to head one night in Leehan's apartment when they'd gotten out of the shower after a few enthusiastic rounds of passion, only one of which had made it to Leehan's bed.
Taesan tugged on the track pants he'd left in his drawer in Leehan's dresser and watched the younger pad around the room casually. Leehan was wearing the t-shirt Taesan had discarded after he'd deposited Leehan on the bed between rounds two and three and a pair of shorts that suspiciously looked like the ones he'd been looking for since last week. He was staring into his fish tank, eyes soft as he watched the tiny creatures swim around in their little aquatic world.
There was nothing special about the sight, Taesan had seen similar ones hundreds of times in their time together, but it pulled at something inside of him that demanded action. Taesan took a deep inhale, held it for a second longer than he should have just to give himself a little more time.
Leehan turned to look at him, curls messy and wreathed in the glow of the fish tank as he blinked in that slow, sleepy way he always did just after they had sex.
Something soft and impossibly fond twisted in Taesan's chest and he knew that it was now or never.
"Donghyun-ah, I— I love you."
Leehan's face did this thing for a second, like his thoughts buffered as he tried to process what Taesan had just said to him. At first he looked surprised but then it melted until his expression was full of unbridled affection. Taesan felt his cheeks flush as he watched Leehan's whole face bloom like the prettiest flower in existence.
"Taesanie…" His voice lilted with a slight giggle, still tired at the edges but attentive, "I already knew that."
"You… Huh?" Panic coursed through him as he wondered if Leehan had misunderstood him for a second or if he was just making fun of him. But no, Leehan would never do something like that. So there had to be something that Taesan was missing. "I never— I never said it though."
Leehan stepped closer until they were just a few inches apart and tilted his head back a bit so that he could look directly into Taesan's eyes. Taesan had always loved their height difference, not too much or too little but just perfect. He swallowed hard when Leehan weaved their fingers together and gave them a tender squeeze.
"You never had to. I always knew because you've shown me every single day since we met. You're always gentle towards me, even in the moments you think you aren't. You make me feel seen, like I'm the only person you look for in a crowded room. There are so many things, big and small, that have always spelled out how you feel about me. How was I supposed to miss all of that?"
His voice was gentle and patient, a little amused like he thought it was funny that Taesan hadn't already known this information. It sounded so simple when he said it and for a second Taesan wondered if he'd gone about this all wrong.
For so long, Taesan had been anguishing over how to confess his feelings. And here Leehan was, telling him that it had all been for naught because apparently he'd already been screaming them from the rooftops in everything but words. An incredulous laugh bubbled from between his lips without his permission. The sound only caused Leehan's smile to grow wider.
"I love you."
The words came out smoother the second time, Taesan's confidence bolstered by the way they made the younger beam even brighter. His heart was racing in his chest, shock and awe permeating every inch of his being as he tried to process the fact that this was all real and happening.
Leehan leaned up on his toes just enough for their lips to hover a few centimetres apart. Taesan felt his breath hitch as the scent of his vanilla shampoo filled his senses, familiar and sweet.
"I love you too, Dongmin-ah."
He said the words so easily and Taesan knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were true. He'd known it for months, years if he was being honest.
In every little smile and gesture, every small consideration and quiet glance…Leehan's love for him radiated like the sun, warm and constant in a way that Taesan had realized long ago that he couldn't function without.
"I love you."
Leehan giggled when he said it again and finally closed the gap between them to press their lips together.
It wasn't their first kiss by far but this one felt different, charged with something new and right that Taesan eagerly chased with his tongue as he clutched Leehan against his chest with tender hands at the curve of his waist. He felt slender fingers curl into his hair as Leehan pushed himself closer like he too couldn't get enough of the exhilarating sensation.
Belatedly Taesan realized that it had never been about the words, just the feelings behind them that had always been there.
It had been like that since that very first day. When Taesan had clambered to help gather up Leehan's fallen textbooks and tried not to stare like an idiot when he'd realized just how beautiful he was as his world boiled down to the curve of Leehan's smile and the way his cheeks had turned pink when Taesan had introduced himself.
There were no lyrics, no melodies— no love songs or confessions— that could measure up to this.
Because Leehan had already known the words to the song, hummed the melody of Taesan's confession under his breath before he'd even dreamt of putting them to paper.
Because Leehan loved him and Taesan had never heard anything so sweet in his life as the way those three little words sounded coming out of his mouth.
And like an idiot Taesan would say it in every language, as many times as Leehan would let him for the rest of their lives.
I love you.
Aishiteru.
Saranghae.