Chapter Text
Minho loves his friends. A lot. He would give his life for them.
But in moments like this, he would rather be home with his cats instead of being the center of their attention.
Felix is looking at him with his little pout and puppy eyes combo that kills his resolve every time. «Are you sure, Minho?» he asks him, squeezing his forearm gently, trying to comfort him.
The problem is, Minho is perfectly fine. He has no need for comfort.
«Fel’s right. We don't want to make you feel… lonely.» Hyunjin, sitting almost in Felix’s lap, adds with his own pout.
«Guys, I am okay.» he repeats for the hundredth time that month alone. And they only meet once a week.
«You really don't mind that we're all getting married and you’ll be the only single man left in this friend group?» Seungmin says, skeptical and blunt as usual, while he sips his white wine.
«Babe…» Changbin tries to reprimand him, but Seungmin ignores him, staring at Minho.
«Seungminnie is right. We're about to be all married couples and we don't want to make him feel left out.» sweet Jeongin, Minho’s favourite person in the world - not counting Felix, because he’s everyone's favourite - talks over Changbin, the last man standing between Minho and this constant nagging.
Minho, who is still pinned in place by Seungmin’s stare, Felix and Hyunjin sad puppy eyes and Chan’s worried face.
He’s exhausted.
It’s not the first time they do this: his disastrous love life has been the main topic of every hangout they’ve had since Chan and Jeongin got engaged.
Korea legalized gay marriage, so one by one, every couple in their group decided to tie the knot.
Minho is very happy for them, he loves his friends and can't wait to see them at the altar, professing their undying love to one another. He’s more than ready to brave every dress shopping trip, cake tasting appointment and drunken debate about the seating charts, because he wants to be there for every single one of them.
On the other hand, this wedding fever put a spotlight on him, the token single friend. And he knows they're only doing this because they love him and want him to be happy as they are, but it’s draining, sometimes.
From the backdoor emerges a couple, their faces covered with baseball caps and facemasks. They look around until they find the group and slide into the booth.
«Hey there, homos… sorry we're late, got held up at the company.» Yeji says as her girlfriend Chaeryeong hugs Changbin and kisses his forehead.
«They planned a whole photoshoot because they don't want Yeji to just announce our engagement with an Instagram story.» the other girl grumbles, sinking on the chair right beside Changbin.
«Perks of dating an idol, Sis.» he says, patting her shoulder, and offering her a sip of his beer, as Seungmin blows a kiss to his future sister in law.
«Ugh, I love her with all my heart, but all this fanfare is a bit… too much.» she grabs the beer and downs half of it in one go, looking lovingly at her now-fiancée.
Yeji takes her hand from across the table, holding it gently. «It is, Honey. And I would love to just scream it from the rooftops and be done with it… but I have to do a fancy photoshoot and let the social media managers deal with the post.» she looks a bit troubled about it, so Chaeryeong sighs and rubs her thumb on the other's palm.
«It’s okay… I just love complaining.»
«She does. I’ve put up with her constant whining fo years, but now she’s your problem.» Changbin interjects, and Yeji scowls at him.
«So it’s a no for joint custody of her? I hoped you and Seungmin would take her for the weekends, at least.»
«No, thanks. I already have my own Seo Sibling to take care of. Ask Jeongin.» Seungmin points to the youngest and he immediately nods. He loves Chaeryeong, she always takes him down at the autodrome to test drive her racecars. He’s the perfect candidate for this.
«I will gladly share her custody. But you’ll have to deal with Channie and his work withdrawals. He gets so pissy when I ban him from working on weekends.» he looks at his fiance and Chan frowns.
Minho is glad the girls got here. They diverted the attention from him, giving him a bit of respite. He stands up to get another round of drinks for everyone and takes a deep breath as he walks to the bar, hearing them keep discussing poor Chaeryeong’s custody.
He waits for drinks perched on a stool and he feels Seungmin’s arrival before he even sees him. He slides on the stool next to him and props his elbows on the bartop.
«I was a bit too harsh before. I am sorry… but you know we only say that because you look a bit… sad.» he says, looking at the array of bottles on the shelves, his fingers tapping on the wooden counter. «You’re working too much. Even Chan said so, and if he could live at the studio, he would.»
Minho chuckles softly, rubbing his face. He does feel tired, but he’s used to it. «I do… but I love my job. And I am happy, I swear.» he says in a whisper, looking at the bartender mixing Yeji and Hyunjin’s drinks. The Hwang Siblings have a passion for extremely sweet and complex drinks, and Minho always indulges them. He even got a mixing set for when he hosts dinners at his place.
And they give him some time away from their chatter. He is used to silence and peace, after all. And despite loving his friends, they can be overwhelming. Especially when they meddle in his love life like that. He can't ask them to stop, he doesn't have the heart to tell them he loves being single and that his life is perfect as it is. But he wishes for them to stop.
An idea forms in his mind. A foolish idea he will regret come morning. But still an idea that might work just fine.
«And also… I am dating someone. I wanted to keep the surprise until next month’s dinner party, but…» he says, in the spur of the moment, before he has the chance to overthink it too much.
Seungmin stares at him so intensely, Minho’s scared he might drill a hole in his skull.
«What?» he asks, flatly, his jaw on the floor.
«Yeah… I’ve been dating him for some time now, but I wanted to keep it on the down low.» he explains, lying so effortlessly despite feeling like a monster. He doesn't like lying, especially to Seungmin. He’s like a brother to him, he tells him everything. «You know how Felix and Hyunjin can get… those two are hopeless romantics, and get so attached to people. If it didn't work out, they would get sad and I don't want to make them sad.» he quickly adds, to justify his silence on the matter, covering his basis to not hurt Seungmin's feelings.
He really shouldn't have said that. Now he needs to find a boyfriend. Immediately.
Here it is. The instant regret.
«Oh, Minho… I am happy for you. But now I can't wait for next month’s dinner. I want to meet him!» Seungmin chirps, distracting him from his incoming spiral. His adorable smile can cure every ailment, after all.
«He’s out of town. He’ll be back next week, that’s why I can't introduce him to you sooner.» again, another lie. He’s way too good at this, he didn't know he had it in him to be such a good liar.
«Pity… and I won't tell the others, your secret is safe with me. But you should. You can't just drop this bomb at dinner.»
Minho nods, getting the tray with their drinks and paying for the round.
As the bartender hands him back his card, Seungmin helps him and they walk back to the table.
«I will tell them, I swear. Just… not tonight.» he says and Seungmin immediately drops the topic, sitting back in his spot next to Changbin, who says he missed him and they share a quick kiss.
Minho doesn't need this. It looks so… sappy. But now he has to find someone to do just that with. Or else Seungmin will get mad at him for lying and he will have everyone on his case again.
He is an idiot.
---
As he gets home, stone cold sober because he stopped drinking hours ago, his cats crowd him at the door while he takes his shoes off.
He greets them all with cuddles and kisses and then he picks up Gatsby, the clingiest cat he’s ever owned, and carries him around the house. He is stressed out.
He has no plan. He needs a plan. He is good at having plans, everyone knows that.
Maybe he should download every dating app ever and start swiping, in hopes he can find someone willing to date him.
He has ten days. He can't possibly find someone in just ten days.
He’s also terrible at dating. He gets all nervous and twitchy when meeting new people, and he hates having to act normal around strangers. That’s why he doesn't work with the public.
He likes his peace and quiet. Inserting another person in his routine will be a chore. He has no empty spaces in his calendar to actually date right now, he has to make time for it.
Also, he said he has been dating this guy for a while. He’ll have to convince his future date to lie for him.
He won't be able to make such a weird request with a straight face. How can he explain the situation that led to the lie to someone he’s trying to woo?
Either he finds a weirdo who just goes with it and lies to save Minho’s reputation, or he'll scare them so much they’ll run for the hills. Then he’ll have to find someone else and go back to square one.
This is stressing him out.
He wishes he could just… summon the perfect guy. Maybe there’s a demon who can help him. Does he really need his soul? And what’s more important right now: having full ownership of said soul or keeping this charade up?
Heathcliff - who’s lounging on top of the couch cushions - hisses at him as he walks past him for the eighth time, pacing nervously around the living room.
«Don’t be such a sourpuss, Heathcliff. Dad is in trouble.» he reprimands the cat, his eldest baby. A fat, orange cat who hates the world and is always mad at everything and everyone. He is the firstborn child of his parent’s cat, Soonie.
They look so alike, but Soonie was an angel, so sweet and lovely. His son is the complete opposite.
To prove his point, Heathcliff ignores Minho’s troubles and goes right back to sleep, his tail jerking left and right to signal that he’s still annoyed at him.
Minho sighs and sits down on the couch, next to Darcy, who is lounging on his back and purring loudly. Gatsby jumps out of his arms and curls against his brother, and Minho smiles fondly at his three weird kids.
«What do I do? I can't just… order a boyfriend on Amazon, can I?» he mumbles as he massages his temples.
Then he opens his eyes and jumps up, startling all three cats.
«Or maybe I can! The internet is a weird, scary place, after all…» he says, walking towards his desk.
He opens his laptop and types “need a man to help me” on the search bar.
A lot of live chats with naked men jerking off come up on screen, and he slams the laptop shut. Bad idea.
For someone who works with words, he really chose the wrong ones.
He tries again. “Looking for boyfriend”. Dating sites. Reddit threads. More naked men. A course on how to become a pickup artist. Even more naked men.
For the first time in his life, Minho feels disappointed at seeing so many naked, hot men all at once.
But maybe one of them could help him.
His brain is in desperate mode, so clicking on a camboy livestream doesn't feel like a bad idea.
And this one guy still has clothes on, since there is no one in his chatroom yet.
Minho types a message. “Can I ask you a weird question?”
«Sure, what would you like to see?» the guy asks him, his tone low and seductive.
“In private, I mean”
The guy bites his lips and invites him in a private call, after making Minho pay a fee. If this works, it will be money well spent.
«Hi, gorgeous…I’m Jackson.» the guy says, as soon as the call connects, and Minho smiles at him.
«Hi, I’m Minho. I wanted to ask you if you know where I can get a boyfriend. A fake one, I mean. I searched on Google but it kept showing me porn and Grindr ads.» he explains briefly and the other looks a bit weirded out. He drops his seductive persona and sits straighter on his chair, adjusting his rumpled shirt.
«Uhm… why do you need a fake boyfriend? Do you want to get hatecrimed on the streets so bad you can't wait to actually meet someone?» Jackson’s normal voice is deep and kinda nice. Minho would be very attracted to him if he wasn't in the middle of a crisis right now.
«No, I need someone to bring to my friends’ weddings, so they stop nagging me because I am single and, in their words, “so sad and lonely”.» he replies flatly and the guy looks at him for a long moment, trying to understand if he’s a weirdo or just desperate.
He’s both. Minho should've told Jackson right away that this was going to be a weird conversation.
But he’s a camboy, he probably gets way weirder calls on the regular. That could be the reason he hasn't hung up yet.
«For the record, I am neither sad nor lonely. I just don't feel the need for a significant other right now.» he says, then, as Gatsby jumps back on his lap, curious about the stranger on his dad’s screen. He pets him gently and it helps him relax.
«So why didn't you just tell them that? If they are true friends, they will understand.» the camboy has a point. But it’s not that simple. Minho wishes that was the way to deal with this whole situation. But it’s not.
«I tried, but you see… I have eight friends and they are all couples. They want the same happiness they feel for me. It’s very nice of them.» he smiles fondly at the thought of his friends. But then sighs. «I don't want them to worry about me, they need to focus on their upcoming weddings. That’s why I need a fake boyfriend.»
The camboy sighs, nodding. «Yeah, I get it. My friends worry about me too…» he tells Minho while scrolling on his phone, looking for something. «And I may know a guy who can help you. Just give me a couple of days, your contact, and a budget.»
Minho smiles, feeling the knot in his stomach loosen a bit. «I sent you my number in the chat. And I don't have a budget. I can cover every expense for the events, too.» he says as he types down his contact info and sends them to the guy. «I have a week to find a boyfriend. Do you think you can get back to me before then?»
«Yeah, I think so…» he looks up at him after reading his contact info and raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow. «So, do you want me to strip now?»
Minho blinks rapidly, taken aback by such a proposition. Then he remembers where he is. «Oh, no, thanks. You’re hot but I just needed help with the boyfriend thing. I’ll let you go back to your job.» he says rapidly, a bit embarrassed, making the camboy laugh.
«You’re something else.» he murmurs, shaking his head in disbelief, then winks at him. «I’ll be in touch.»
Minho nods and exits the chat, waving at the camboy. As he closes his laptop, Minho feels the tension leave his body. If the hot camboy finds him a fake boyfriend, he’s set.
He’ll have someone to show off at his dinner party and then at those weddings, so his friends will stop worrying about him and focus on their own love life. It’s perfect.
He had a wonderful idea, he should stop doubting himself.
---
The call comes three days later, as Minho is eating a cup of instant noodles, sitting at his desk and staring at his computer. He's working overtime again, but he has to finish answering his emails before he can go home. He misses his cats, but he put “emptying the mailbox” in his tasks for the day, so he has to do it. If he doesn't follow his schedule, chaos will destroy his life and the publishing house will burn up in flames.
So, overtime it is.
He answers the phone, setting the cup aside and wiping his mouth with a napkin. «Hello?»
A deep voice greets him on the other side of the call. «Hey, it’s Jackson… the camboy.» he says and Minho sits up straighter, his full attention on the caller.
«Hi, Jackson, is everything okay?» he asks, trying not to sound too worried. This was a foolish plan, there’s no way it worked.
«Yeah, I found someone who’s down to be your fake boyfriend. He wants to meet you.» he says, and Minho hears heavy footsteps on his side, and he sounds a bit short of breath. «Are you free tomorrow at 8 pm?»
Minho blinks a few times, letting the good news sink in. It worked. It actually worked.
«Uh, let me see…» he mumbles, checking his calendar open on his laptop. «Yes, I am free. Where does he want to meet?»
«I’ll send you the address.» Jackson says, still walking fast, his breathing becoming even heavier.
«Great. Thank you so much for your help… if you’ll ever need anything, just ask.» he says, his heart flipping in his chest. He will meet his saviour tomorrow thanks to a random guy he found in a sexy chatroom.
His life has taken a weird turn lately. Minho doesn't mind, as long as his friends stop worrying about his life, all is well.
«I’ll hold you to that. And I hope this works out fine for you.»
They say their goodbyes and Minho opens the message Jackson sent him, looking up the location on Google Maps.
It’s the hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant five blocks from his house. He gets takeaway from there all the time, the food is delicious and the owner is a small Chinese lady who reminds him of his mother and always gives him extra Sichuan peppercorns for free.
It's one of his safe places in town, maybe he won't feel so nervous meeting this guy there.
He sighs, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders.
Everything will be fine. He knows that.
---
«What do you mean you have a whole ass boyfriend and you haven't told me? I thought we were soulmates, Lee Minho.» Changbin says, barging into his office and falling dramatically on the sofa Minho put there to take naps on when he pulls an overnight and doesn’t even bother going back home. The cats have an automatic feeder and he put up one of those baby monitors to talk to them when he stays at the publishing house for two days in a row.
He loves his job too much.
And he hates his best friend because he is incapable of keeping a secret.
«Seungmin told you.» he states, unimpressed, as he finishes typing an email, not letting this office invasion distract him from his work.
«Of course he told me. We have no secrets, Minho.» Changbin glares at him, still sprawled on the sofa. For a man who looks like he could rip someone's head off, he does act like a Victorian maiden sometimes.
«That wasn't his secret, though. It was mine.» Minho points out, not sparing a glance his way. He’s not even mad, he’s just surprised Seungmin took four whole days to tell his fiancé.
«You are practically our child, Minho. And I’m very sad you didn't tell me sooner.»
«I am older than both of you. If anything, I am your father.» he scoffs and Changbin waves him off. «And I was about to introduce him to everyone next week.»
«Still, you should've told me. I worried about you dying alone, surrounded by an army of stray cats and books… and you were dating someone.» he whines out loud and Minho stands up to close the door.
«Lower your voice, you human megaphone. I don't want people to know about my private business.» he hisses at Changbin and glares at him.
«God forbid people stop seeing you as a soulless robot who spends his days either holed up in here or working from his home office.» Changbin grumbles as he sits up and walks towards Minho.
«Exactly. They all need to fear me. And hating on your stern and cold boss in the break room lifts the morale of employees.» Minho explains while he goes back to checking on emails from an author who’s being difficult. She’s his best romance novelist, but she’s also indecisive. And Minho needs her to choose a cover artist for her new series, they’re late on his self imposed deadlines and this whole ordeal is stressing him out.
Also, he's five hours away from meeting his fake boyfriend, so that’s stressing him out too.
And now Changbin is whining for a very fair reason, but he doesn't need additional stress.
What he needs is a vacation. Three months on a remote island to decompress and relax. Just him and his cats, no people in sight, no emails or meddling friends… a dream come true.
But he can't take even a single day off, because he already scheduled every single wedding and pre-wedding event in his calendar and he has maybe three hours free this whole year.
And it’s only March.
«You know they all think you’re just a cat who accidentally woke up in a human body, right? Not one of your employees fears you.» Changbin interrupts his daydream and sits on one of the chairs in front of his desk, propping his elbows on it and looking at him.
«You’re absolutely wrong. Anyways… what brings you here? Shouldn't you be working on your next event or something?» Minho asks, changing topic and trying to stay professional and polite as he sends another email to the author.
«I am hiding from my mother. She's trying to insert herself in the wedding planning and Seungmin is not happy about it.» he is downplaying his fiancé's reaction to his mother's “suggestions”, but Minho knows full well how Seungmin is: a control freak and a perfectionist who trusts only himself and his fiancé when it comes to organizing events. And this is the final boss of events, to them.
He started planning his wedding to Changbin three months into dating him, Minho was there when he created the Pinterest board. He already knew Changbin would be it for him, so he will never let anyone have a say in it except for Changbin himself. Because Changbin created his own wedding Pinterest board after their first date. Truly a match made in down-bad weirdos’ heaven.
But Changbin also loves his mother, she is his everything and he can't say no to her.
So now he has to plan this wedding without making either of them sad.
«You’re in a bit of a pickle, aren't you?» Minho smirks as he teases his friend, but then gives him his house key. «You can hide at my place. I have food in the fridge and the cats will be happy to see you.»
Changbin gladly accepts his offer, pocketing the keys and smiling brightly at him. «You are the bestest friend in the world. I forgive you for hiding your boyfriend from me.» he declares standing up and blowing kisses in Minho’s direction, who looks at him in annoyance.
«Get out of my office, I have work to do.» he shoos him with his hand and Changbin waves him goodbye before disappearing behind his office door.
Minho gets his phone and opens the group chat made to deal with this very specific situation, and writes them an alert.
“Mama Seo is in town. I am housing Changbin for today, someone should check on Yeji and Chaeryeong.”
Felix writes back immediately. “Yeji is at our place, Mama Seo sent her ideas for her wedding dress. She is raiding our pantry, but she'll be fine.” He also attaches a photo of Yeji bundled up in Felix’s fluffiest blanket with a bag of chips open in her lap and her cheeks full.
“Seungmin is in his office. He locked the door and won't let anyone in. I dropped off his favourite cookies at the receptionist’s desk. Maybe he’ll come out soon.” Jeongin texts them, adding a string of teary eyed emojis.
“Gays, Chaeryeong is at my studio. We are day-drinking and watching Innie's thirst traps on TikTok.” Hyunjin sends a blurry selfie of them holding two wine glasses. He has a lopsided smile on his face, Chaeryeong is holding up her phone, proudly showing Jeongin’s latest cooking video.
“That’s not a thirst trap” the baker writes, with a middle finger emoji.
“You’re kneading dough in a tank top. That’s the ultimate thirst trap, Innie” Hyunjin replies with a series of screenshots from the video in question, and Felix reacts with the fire emoji.
As they keep arguing, Minho goes back to his work. He made sure the Seo Siblings are okay and their significant others are safe from their mother in law. He can't waste any more time reading their banter.
He has to focus. He needs to finish his daily tasks before 6 pm. Then he has to go back home, get ready for tonight's meeting and be at the restaurant at least fifteen minutes early to find a good table.
Because he can't blow his only chance of getting a fake boyfriend. His own peace of mind depends on it, seeing how the weddings are already this messy and stressful and they’re still months away.
Minho is glad he will never have to deal with such nonsense.