Chapter Text
The sound of her feet hitting the treadmill in repetitive thumps did a shit job at drowning the noise in Maya’s head. Lately the urgency of everything had only intensified, and her usual methods were coming short in succeeding. Naturally, that meant that she had to push harder.
A sudden flare of pain riding up her leg had her stumbling, and she stepped off to the sides of the machine to rub it out. Hitting the side of her thing and pressing the fingers in on a spot that seemed to be dragging. The motion didn’t do much, but it made her mind turn its focus on the superficial pain of the fingers digging in rather than the deep one that seemed to have found refuge in her bones and muscles. With one last stretch and shake of her arms she turned up the speed on the mat and continued on.
Maya didn’t get many steps in before the klaxon blared calling for everyone’s attention. She pulled the stop string on the treadmill and continued her sprint down to the barn with everyone else. She pulled on her turnouts on the right of the engine with Andy by her side looking her up and down with that same concerned face she’d been rocking for some time now after she suddenly decided to be Maya’s friend again.
“You good?” the brunette asked while Becket rushed on behind her.
Maya climbed into the seat and looked back extending Andy a hand, “Never better. Let’s go kill the beast!” she exclaimed smiling.
She loved firefighting with her every fibre and finally she was allowed to actually go fight one. Becket had been keeping her on desk duty and aid car and every other boring task just to get back at her for trying to get her job back. Sure, she knew she’d gone about it in probably the shittiest way possible, but could anyone really blame her. It was completely misogynistic and unfair how the demotion even took place to begin with and then finally not even getting heard on the issue, even with a woman as fire chief. She was pissed, but right now she was living for the fire.
Dispatch came through radio with the information of the fire. Detached home, unknown source, spreading quick, no civilians left inside and so forth. Herrera and Becket were both about to start talking at the same time. There was a moment of silence where everyone looked around a bit before Becket broke it in that snarky tone of his, “C’mon, Herrera! You’re captain today, aren’t you?”
“Okay, we’ll assess the situation further once we’re there, but we keep the shift assignments as they are for now. So, Montgomery and Cutler on aid car and triage, on the ladder Sullivan and Warren take the lead on fire attack form the outside, Ruiz and Kline lead the strip and Bishop and Hughes on fire attack on the inside. Let’s go! 19!” Andy instructed through the radio.
Everyone shouting back “19!” blared through the car before Vic wondered “How come this neighbourhood looks really familiar?”
“Isn’t every neighbourhood familiar by now?” Kline laughed.
But a few others wondered the same, including Maya, “What was the address again?”
Ben’s voice carried through the headphones, “Its Meredith’s house. I mean, Dr. Grey’s.”
A silent “oh shit” was heard, but Maya couldn’t decipher who it was, as she herself thought the same. She knew that house. Andrew had lived on a couch there for some time, and Maya herself had visited the house frequently with Carina as she was a close friend of Amelia.
As the engine came to a halt everyone jumped out and started moving with a purpose. Herrera took lead and went for a chat with Meredith, Maggie and Amelia to assess and to say “hello” and “we’ve got this”.
Once the hose was set up and Maya and Vic were about to run in, Andy stopped them with a, “wait!”
Both stopped dumbfounded in their tracks, looking over themselves trying to see what caused the interruption. Neither found an obvious fault. “What is it, Captain?” Vic finally asked as Andy was stepping closer to them, eyeing especially Maya.
“Bishop, are you good to go in?” Andy questioned, looking worried if anything.
Maya thrust the air out through her nose trying to mask the fury she felt form that question, “I’m good, Captain.”
“You’re sure?”
” Yes! I know that house, I even know the furniture. Now, can we go or would you like to waste some more time?”
Andy looked Maya in the eye for a moment longer looking for clear proof on the contrary, but Maya stared right back looking as convincing as ever. Additionally, Andy knew Maya was right. They were fighting the clock, and changing the attack team now would take too much time with everyone already occupied with some form of task. “Fine. Go!”
Watching Maya and Vic disappear into the house Andy heard slow clapping and a laughing “Way to go, Herrera” from behind her coming from Becket. She didn’t really know if it was aimed at making them stop or the fact that she sent Maya in.
Maya led the way swiftly with Vic right behind her on the hose. “Looks like its coming from the kitchen.” Maya shouted.
Entering the kitchen through the living area Maya managed to warn Vic about a couple of obstacles. “Watch your feet, I always seem to stumble on that carpet.” and “Look out, it’s a step up in the doorway.” Vic managed to walk a clear path behind Maya who seemed to stumble on the obstacles she mentioned anyway.
“You really weren’t kidding when you said you knew this place.” Vic said before they got to the source of the fire.
“Yeah, I’ve been here enough times to know the layout.” Maya said watching back at Vic, “Shall we? Start here, and circle around.” she then asked as she got ready pointing the hose at the biggest fire.
“Let’s do it!”
After taking their time to put out the fire inside, having the house soaked through, Maya radioed an “all clear” and they started making their way out.
It had been taxing, it was always taxing, but the way Mayas head was spinning, and her limbs started to feel numb was a new kind of taxing. She dropped her end of the hose and tired grabbing for it but found she couldn’t.
“What the hell, Bishop?!” Vic shouted as she watched the blonde crumble to the ground before her. Dropping the hose she sprang to action, turning Maya around trying to wake her with no luck. She was out cold. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. What is it?” She mumbled to herself before grabbing her radio, “Firefighter down! Someone pull the hose out, I’m carrying Bishop.” Vic got to the floor positioning herself so she could get Maya propped up on her back, deciding that was the best tactic for the distance.
Outside the vibes changed instantly on that radio. Ruiz and Kline went straight for the hose and Montgomery activated the triage area as Cutler made his way toward the entrance to greet Vic as soon as she’d step out. Andy was found pacing and though the doctors didn’t hear what was said the tension created was enough for them to realize something had happened.
Amelia, closest to where Andy was pacing asked, “I thought it was clear. What’s happening?”
“You don’t have anything in there, do you? Narcotics, chemicals, anything that could turn toxic in fire.” Andy demanded so fierce Amelia took a step back.
“No! What –“
Andy didn’t have the time to answer before Hughes appeared through the main entryway to the porch and continued on towards Cutler, screaming “I don’t know what happened! She was fine one second and the next she was just out cold! Nothing happened! She was right in front of me.”
Andy rushed toward the pair telling Vic to get checked out too as she passed Maya to Cutler. It was there, as the carrier was switched where Amelia caught sight of the name on the turnout jacket and realised who it was. That’s when she pushed past her sisters toward the triage area to Montgomery saying to Maggie and Meredith “That’s Maya, I’m gonna, I gotta, yeah.”
“Yeah, of course, go!” Maggie responded while Meredith nodded understanding.
Cutler placed Maya down on the board starting to strip her of the turnouts, starting with the helmet and the mask and continuing on to the jacket as Travis checked for vitals. Amelia came through with a quick check as well and it didn’t take long for Travis to shout to Andy, “We have to go. Now!” Cutler and Montgomery loaded Maya up to the aid car, Cutler then sprinting to the front and Amelia jumping in the back with Travis.
Montgomery fixed up Maya with oxygen and an IV, while Cutler called the hospital ahead and Amelia called Teddy and then tried Carina, but hitting her voicemail over and over.
“She’s barely breathing and her pulse is really slow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this. I mean, Vic said nothing even happened? And why isn’t she waking up?” Travis rambled, “How long?”
“We’re pulling up in two.” Cutler chimed from the front.
“Are you calling Carina?” Travis asked, eyes now pointed at Amelia who had stopped calling and just sat staring at Maya now, reaching to adjust the monitor on her hand and freezing there for a moment before snapping out of it and going, “Yeah, I tried, but it keeps going to voicemail. She’ll call me back.” she said trying to convince herself as well as Travis.
The aid car’s tires shrieked as they pulled up to the bay and Travis was quick with the doors. Instantly there was Teddy along with three other people there to receive them. Travis started laying out info as they wheeled her into the ER, “35-year-old firefighter, female, pulse is thready and breathing shallow. She collapsed at the scene and hasn’t come out since.”
“Okay, thank you, we’ve got it. Let’s get her to trauma 2. It’s a friend, so keep it tight.” Teddy voiced and Amelia followed, leaving Travis and Cutler standing by the door aiming for the waiting room swearing they heard the agonizingly slow beeping echoing through the ER.
The air in trauma 2 smelled of antiseptic and the tension was palpable. A nurse came through cutting off the shirt Maya was still wearing, the turnouts luckily scattered by Meredith’s house and the aid car.
“Let’s do an ultrasound, hang two large bore IV’s for hydration and run trauma labs.” One of the interns sounded.
“She has peaked t-waves and her QRS is widening.” Teddy noted having control of the situation but letting the intern take the lead.
“Yeah, uh, push calcium and…” the intern started.
“Bicarb and insulin” Altman continued, “What do you need to check?”
“Right. Check her blood sugar for hypoglycaemia,” he said scrambling for the meter, “102, push D50.”
The nurse chimes in “Her pressure is in the 70’s, add a pressure bag. Her urine output is also dark and low.”
“Right. I think she’s having an arrythmia. She needs an abuterol ned.”
“I’ll call and check for a CT scan.” Amelia chimed in.
“Good.” Altman answered.
“Send this to the lab.” the intern said handing blood to a nurse.
Altman took lead on the case after the CT scans, checking all the information as Maya was still unconscious. Amelia paced near the bed looking at Maya while having tried to call Carina several times and still only reaching her voicemail.
“Is Carina working? She should be here, and I can’t seem to get a hold of her.”
“Yeah, we paged her some time ago, she’s in an emergency c-section but she knows to come here once she’s done.” Teddy said looking over to Amelia. “The CTs are negative, vitals are looking better, QRS is narrowing, but her renal function is abnormal and her CK is elevated. Very elevated, actually. Amelia it’s in the 50-thousands. You said nothing happened?”
“Yeah. I explicitly remember Hughes coming out carrying her shouting that she just went down with no warning.” Amelia tried to explain.
“Hmm. Okay. Are the others still here, maybe they know something, but CKs don’t really go up that high from one incident. Especially not one without trauma.”
“No. They had to go. they had some other call they needed the aid car for. But I can call Andy and ask if she knows anything about that.”
“Yeah, that’d be great.”
Both turn to watch the bed as Maya lets out a soft groan and slowly batting her eyes open and then looking around the room disoriented. She tries pushing herself up to sitting but failed doing so groaning at the displeasure. Looking around she found herself hooked up to a bunch of wires, and by her first instinct she went to pull some off being stopped and guided back down.
Teddy softens her voice, “Hey, welcome back, Bishop. You’re in the hospital, okay.” she nodded, “You collapsed on a call, and your teammates brought you in. How are you feeling?”
Maya lets out a disapproving soft groan, still trying to figure out what’s going on. “Where’s Carina?” she asks, her voice coming out hoarse.
Amelia smiles, “We’re trying to find her for you, Lieutenant Barbie, but until then, I’ll be here to keep you company.”
Maya looks between Teddy Amelia and herself, and all the wires hooked up to her, every slight movement somehow making the constant ache in her body even worse.
“How are you feeling?” Dr. Altman asked again.
“I feel fine.” Maya stated.
“Right,” Teddy squinted her eyes at her, “Well, your CK levels are alarmingly elevated, and your renal output is abnormal. We’ll have to keep an eye on those and try to get the levels to come down.”
“Okay, so when can I go?” Maya asked looking at Dr Altman as if the answer should be a couple hours tops.
Amelia let out a small snicker at how seriously the question was presented and Teddy just stared at the blonde in surprise. “We’ll have to monitor you for at least a couple of days. If you were to walk out of here today, there’s a possibility even that could kill you.”
“What?” Maya asked distraught, “You’re kidding, right?” She then followed in disbelief.
“No, Bishop. Your current CK-levels are nothing to be played with.” Amelia jumped in, landing a compassionate hand on Maya’s shoulder as if to calm her. It shrugged off instantly with a visible grimace caused by the sudden movement.
Teddy’s pager went off and after checking it she turned back to Maya, “I’m going to go and make sure we have a room to place you in; someone will be back shortly to move you. Try to rest up,” she said before leaving the room leaving Maya and Amelia by themselves.
Amelia took a spin around the room giving Maya some space to dwell. The paint in the back corner of the room was scuffed and after some observing she noted that the light fixture had a small, almost unnoticeable twitch to it.
After some quiet, that wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but not comfortable either Maya spoke, “What even is a CK-level, and is it really so bad that I have to sit around here for days?”
Amelia turned her attention back to Maya in the middle of the room. “Oh, it’s the marker for muscle damage. Basically, when its high it means your body is breaking down it’s muscle tissue.”
“Okay, but why? I don’t get it. Usually when you need to get checked after a fire you go home in at least a few hours. Aren’t the CK-levels always a bit elevated after a proper fire attack?” Maya asked perplexed trying to sit up but deciding against it after an achy attempt.
Amelia pulled out a chair from the side of the room and took a seat on the side on Maya’s bed if you could call it that. “Sure, I’m sure it is a bit elevated.”
“So?”
“But it’s not just a bit elevated though, Maya. After a gruelling fire attack or, I don’t know, a crush injury those levels could be around something like a couple thousand maybe. Yours are over 50 000.” Amelia explained trying to get the point across.
The swinging doors opened and a tall lanky man in scrubs walked in with a hospital bed. On the other end was a ginger woman in flower scrubs.
“Ready to go?” The man asked as he parked the bed next to the table in the trauma room, “They got you a nice one, a single with a proper view.” He chimed lightly snapping his fingers and maya nodded an unimpressed ‘nice’ before locking the brakes and moving so they could move Maya to the bed.
When they got to the room that was surprisingly close by Maya mumbled, “I could’ve just walked this distance, you know?”
That earned her a disapproving glance from Amelia and the man responded cheerfully, snapping his fingers again “I’m sure you could’ve on a regular day, but lucky for me you were in need of the hallway taxi service today and I got some work to do. Get better, and if you need a ride, I’ll be sure to be back!” The man and the nurse then left the room and parted ways at the door.
Amelia stood looking out the window for a while wondering if she should ask or not. She was about to, before the moving crew blew in, but she wasn’t sure if now as a good time. She then turned to Maya and moved to the foot of the bed.
“What happened in there?” the brunette then asked carefully, trying not to put too much weight on the subject but ending up doing that anyway.
Maya didn’t answer right away. She stared at Amelia for a moment trying to figure out what she was actually asking. Finally, she went with, “Nothing, everything just went dark all of a sudden.” Which was true in a sense, but also left out the part where her body had been screaming already at the station, and how her feet had stumbled even at the obstacles she pointed out to Vic, and the fact that she’d been able to fight back on the blacking out since halfway through putting out the fire. They didn’t need to know all of that. The blacking out was just as sudden for her as it was for the others. She hadn’t thought that she actually would.
Trying to wear Amelia down with a nonchalant stare she realized something, “Is Vic okay?” she asked patting herself down trying to find her phone as her breathing got quicker.
“Yeah, hey, she’s okay. Try to slow down your breathing.” Amelia comforted, “She was fricking wonder woman carrying you out like that. Made me feel sad knowing she’s straight. But, yes, she’s okay. They checked her out right before we left with you.”
“Okay, good,” Maya said sheepishly, calming down a bit, “What did she say happened?” she asked turning her piercing gaze back to Amelia.
The brunette squinted back at the firefighter, not really understanding why she would ask that. “I don’t know. I didn’t really take the time to socialise,” she joked, “Coming out she did shout that you just went down out of nowhere.”
The realization she’d put her team in danger hit her, “Fuck, I shouldn’t have done that,” she whispered to herself barely audible drawing in on herself.
Amelia heard her anyway, “Hey, it’s not your fault. Things happen. You can’t exactly control when your body gives out.”
“Could you just, leave me alone.” Maya said coldly staring in the direction of the window.
Amelia surprised by the sudden shift responded, “Uh, sure, I’ll go get us some water or something.”
Carina let out a deep exhale once the C-section of a first-time mama had completed successfully and just the closing was left. She took a step back from the table with her hands up and told the junior surgeon to step in and finish. She stepped further away from the surgical field where a nurse helped her remove the surgical scrubs. Once she was ready to go, another nurse handed her her pager and reminded her she’d been paged to the ER.
“Okay, grazie,” she said grabbing the pager and turning back to the room at the door, “I’ll be back for post-op, page me if anything changes.”
With that she quickly washed her hands in the scrub room, grabbed her white coat and made her way to the ER. The brunette pulled her phone out of her pocket in the hope of having a word from Maya since she was on shift but instead found a heap of missed calls from Amelia with
no message to follow. She immediately connected the page to the ER and the calls to each other in her mind and rushed her steps speedwalking through the moderately quiet hallways of the hospital.
Once she made it to the emergency room she was stopped by the utter silence and calm of the room. There was one old man that was humming a tune in the corner, and the beeps of the machines was clearly decipherable through the cold air pushing in from the bay. Carina tried scanning the room for Amelia, or anyone who might know something and finally only found a single nurse manning the desk in the middle of the room, and even she seemed hidden behind the monitors.
Closing in on the desk, her breath still a bit fast from the speedwalking she waved for the woman’s attention, “Hi, I was paged down here?”
“You were?” the woman asked surprised and looking around the almost empty room, and again at the black scrubs Carina was wearing meaning she was OB.
“Yeah… It was a while ago though. I was doing a c-section,” Carina explained tapping her foot nervously on the ground.
“Oh, I haven’t been here that long, we had a shift change a while ago, but I don’t have anyone her who would need your assistance at the moment. I can try figuring out who paged you if you’d like to wait.” The nurse said dryly. Carina could sense that the girl just wanted her to leave.
“Okay, well, have you seen Dr. Shepperd?” Carina sked trying to figure out the situation. A missed page was one thing, but 7 missed calls from a friend meant something was wrong. She could feel it.
“Yeah, actually! I just ran into her in the hall back there,” she said pointing behind her, “I think she was heading for the vending machine.”
“Ah, Grazie!” Carina managed to say before her legs were carrying her towards the hall the girl had pointed at.
Carina did in fact find Amelia in the hallway by that one vending machine seemingly walking tracks into the floor in her street clothes grasping a couple of water bottles.
Walking up to the circle the woman paced Amelia almost walked into Carina, “Hey, are you okay?” Carina asked placing both her hands on the shorter woman’s shoulders and looking for any damage, “you kind of smell like smoke?” she then queried.
Amelia let out a relived sigh, “Oh, thank god you’re out.”
Carina looked at Amelia puzzled. That wasn’t the response she was expecting.
“Right, the smoke, yeah, our house caught fire. I actually have to –“ Amelia started.
“What?! Is everyone okay? Is it Scout? What about you?” Carina asked again looking over her friend again.
Amelia grabbed at Carinas waving hands and stilled them between the two of them. “We’re all okay. We were all out before the firefighters even got there. But that’s not what-“
“What is it then? You called me almost a dozen times and I was paged to an empty ER.” Carina started to list interrupting Amelia again.
Realizing Carina was in an anxious state Amelia decided to pull them both to sit down in a couple chairs by the wall where they were standing. Once seated she looked at Carina, “I need you to listen, okay. Can you do that?” to which Carina nodded. Amelia took a deep breath thinking of the best way to break the news. She’d tried thinking of a way to say it, but hadn’t yet figured out the best way, which was also the reason she hadn’t left Carina a single message along with those calls. How do you tell someone their wife collapsed in a burning building spontaneously, and apparently could’ve just as easily died there even if it wasn’t burning?
“It was 19 that responded, “ she began and Carina nodded, “They handled it, put the fire out really quickly too,” she continued clearly impressed, “But something happened after they had put out the fire and we had to rush here, and I tagged along because I thought of you and…”
“Maya…” said quietly, realizing what Amelia was trying to tell her, “Where is she?” she asked more urgently, immediately trying to get up and out of her seat and ready to rush in anywhere.
“Carina –“ Amelia tried, her voice a plea for patience, but patience had evaporated the moment Carina’s brain connected '19' and 'rush here' and 'something happened.'
"No. Where is she? Take me to her, Amelia." The OB commanded, looking fiercely at the brunette still sitting in the chair. Her hands were flailing around, her whole body vibrating with the need to move.
Amelia stood up slowly, the plastic water bottles crinkling in her grip. "She’s upstairs. 302. But Carina–" She stepped into Carina’s path again, not backing down this time. "Before you go."
"Move, Amelia," Carina snapped, making her way toward the elevator.
"She looks small," Amelia blurted out.
Carina froze. She stopped mid-step and turned back, her brow furrowing. "What?"
"She looks..." Amelia struggled, looking down at the floor. "I’ve never seen her look so small. Even with the gear. Just propped on Vic’s shoulder... I -"
A cold dread washed over Carina; heavier than the fear she had felt running down the hall. Small. Maya Bishop was many things, but she wasn’t small. She was a force. The equivalent of space.
"Is she burnt?" Carina whispered, the image of her wife trapped in fire flashing through her mind.
"No," Amelia said quickly. "No burns. No trauma. That’s the thing, Carina. She just... stopped."
Carina stared at her, trying to figure out what Amelia meant by stopped. "Stopped?"
"Vic said she just dropped. No warning. Just... lights out." Amelia looked up, her eyes filled with a sort of helplessness "Teddy is running labs. They’re thinking rhabdo.”
Rhabdomyolysis.
The word hit Carina like a blow to her hut. She knew what that meant. She knew exactly what that meant. It meant muscle death. It meant extreme exertion. It meant the body eating itself alive to keep moving.
And suddenly, the last few months, the late nights, the early mornings, endless shifts, the obsessive running, the limp Maya tried to hide, all of it crashed into this moment.
"Take me to her," Carina said again, not commanding anymore. Her voice was hollow. "Now."
Amelia nodded and turned, leading the way toward the elevators. Amelia kept talking, numbers, how she’d been essentially kicked out, but Carina couldn’t focus on that. Instead she stared at the digital numbers of the elevator level display changing, and listening to the deep hum of the machinery.
When the doors opened on the third floor, the energy shifted. It was busier here somehow. It was livelier in a weird sense. Nurses moved with purpose; monitors beeped in a chaotic symphony.
"Right there, 302," Amelia said, pointing down the hall.
Carina didn't wait. She walked past the nurses' station, past the other rooms, her eyes locked on the open door at the end of the hall.
She stopped in the doorway.
Maya was lying in the bed, propped up slightly by pillows that looked too big. She was wearing that papery hospital gown that hung loosely off her shoulders and crinkled in weird places. Her face was pale, almost gray, stripped of the usual flush of adrenaline or makeup. The dark circles under her eyes looked like bruises.
And Amelia was right.
She looked tiny.
The invincible Maya Bishop, the Olympian, the woman who thought she could outrun the world... she looked so small.
Maya was staring out the window, her expression blank. She didn't turn when Carina appeared. She didn’t notice anyone was there at all.
"Bambina," Carina breathed, the pet name catching in her throat.
Maya flinched. It was a small movement, a tightening of her jaw, but she didn't look at Carina. She looked past her, down. Embarrassed.
"Maya, bambina," Carina stepped into the room, abandoning the doorway. She moved to the side of the bed, her hand hovering over Maya’s arm but afraid to touch, afraid she might shatter.
Finally, Maya looked up.
Her eyes were dull, glassy. The usual blue had faded into a dull gray. No fight. Just deep, terrifying exhaustion.
"You're here," Maya whispered, her voice rough.
"I am here," Carina said, tears gathering to her eyes. She reached out and covered Maya’s hand on the sheet. Maya didn't pull away, but she didn't squeeze back either. Her hand was cold. "I am right here. You really scared me."
"I know," Maya said, a lie or a confusion, Carina didn't know which. "I... I fell. I’m sorry."
"You collapsed," Carina corrected gently, needing her to hear the truth. "In a fire, Maya. Amelia said you collapsed."
Maya looked away again, shame flooding her face, making the pale skin blotchy. "I'm fine. I just... I got dehydrated. It was hot. I ran before. I’m so, so sorry, Carina."
"Maya," Carina said, her voice trembling. "Your CK levels are fifty thousand. Teddy told Amelia. That is not dehydration."
Maya closed her eyes. A single tear leaked out, cutting a clean track through the soot still smudged on her cheek.
"I promised," Maya whispered, her voice breaking. "I promised I was fine."
"I know," Carina said, sliding her hand up to cup Maya’s cheek, thumb brushing away the tear. "I know you did."
"I broke it, I’m sorry," Maya choked out, a sob finally escaping. "I broke it, Carina."
Carina sat on the edge of the bed and leaned down, pressing her forehead against Maya’s, closing her eyes against the wave of grief for the woman her wife used to be.
"We’ll fix it," Carina whispered, and kissed the blonde on the forehead, though she wasn't sure if she believed it yet. "We will fix it."
Maya shook her head against Carina’s, a frantic, small movement. "I’m sorry."
” I know you are,” Carina nodded wrapping her hands behind Maya’s neck, placing her thumbs on her jaw, wiping at the rogue tears running down Maya’s cheeks, “I know you are. Tell me what happened, my love,” she pleaded trying to look the blonde in the eye, succeeding at first, but Maya quickly glanced down and closed her eyes.
But for the briefest moment that Carina managed to look, the eyes looking back showed someone terrified and deeply ashamed. It felt like catching a glance of a little Maya that was just learning what the rules of the world of Lane Bishop were. What she saw was something so utterly raw.
Maya shook her a head tearing up more, “I can’t.”
Maya lifted her hands to Carina’s wrists and pushed herself out of the close contact. Literally placing the brunette at arms-length leaving her sitting on the edge of the bed with her hand in her lap, just looking at Maya curl into herself even more, the blonde wrapping her hands around her own body. It broke Carinas heart.
“Please, bambina. Try?” Carina said softly, just looking at her.
Maya fiddled her fingers around her upper arm, slightly digging into the skin with the tips of her fingers. “Nothing happened. I dropped the hose, I-I should’ve, I let my guard down too soon, I was stupid and I put my team in danger, I shouldn’t have-, I shouldn’t have stopped bracing for it yet,” she rambled.
Carina furrowed her brow, “Bracing for it? What do you mean, Maya? Did you feel it coming?” she asked confused trying to understand.
“No! No, I didn’t think it would happen, but I dropped the hose and I tried grabbing for it, but my hand wouldn’t listen… It’s not like that!” she said sharply watching Carina with sharp eyes. Defensive. “I was dehydrated, I was running before the call, it had been a while since lunch, and I didn’t sleep the best. It’s just that. But I hate that Vic had to carry me out, it’s embarrassing.” She listed trying to make it logical.
Carina tilted her head slightly, “Bella, you haven’t eaten or slept properly in months.”
Maya furrowed her brows and pointed her look at Carina and her pitying gaze, “Yes, I have.”
Carina didn’t want to argue, so she didn’t say anything but kept her gaze on Maya and just twitched her mouth to one side voicing a mmph.
“You can go if you want,” Maya whispered, looking away. The guilt in her taking over the fight in her.
Carina placed her hands back on Maya’s, “I’m not leaving.”
Maya pressed her lips together for a sad smile, “You don’t deserve this, Carina,” she said referring to herself, “I’m a constant mess, chaos.”
“Don’t say that” Carina said sternly, tearing up again.
“You said that” Maya countered softly.
Carina wiped her cheek of the falling tears, “I didn’t-, I said that in the heat of a moment in an argument. You know I didn’t mean it.”
“Doesn’t make it less true,” Maya noted as it was a fact.
“Basta” Carina exclaimed wanting to shake that dull and nonchalant look off of her. Maya didn’t say anything more, and Carina’s pager went off. “Argh, they need me in post-op for a patient,” Carina cursed mumbling to herself knowing Maya heard her.
“Go, don’t let me keep you.”
Carina looked at Maya for a good moment before getting up and kissing her head again, “I love you; I’ll be back.”
“I love you too,” Maya whispered back.
After clearing things up in post-op Carina made her way back to the third floor finding Amelia sitting in the lobby still grasping the water bottles. She seemed to have zoned out just staring into an abyss, and Carina kind of wished her head space could be as calm.
Sitting down on the chair next to her friend she said, “You were right.”
Without moving her gaze Amelia asked, “What about?”
“She looks small. You were right.”
“Oh. Yeah, I’m sorry,” Amelia said turning to give her friend a sympathetic look.
Carina sighed, “I can’t believe I missed that. Of course I knew, I noticed, but I just didn’t– I don’t know.”
“It’s hard to see when you’re positioned so close. Big changes come gradually, and you get used to it little by little.”
“Still, I-,” Carina exhaled, “It shouldn’t have gotten to a point where she’s even thinking about bracing for a collapse in a burning building.”
“She said that?” Amelia asked surprised.
“She let it slip, and then denied it, saying she didn’t think it would actually happen.”
“Whoa.”
“You know she told me that I could leave. That she’s a mess and I’d be better off.” Carina revealed her voice quivering.
“Would you?” Amelia asked honestly.
“No, never,” Carina said being sure, “I’ve told you about our some of our issues in the past months, so you know she’s been infuriating, working too much, working out a ton and just being in a constant mood.”
“Yeah. But?”
Carina smiled, “But she’s also been trying so hard to make sure I’m loved still. Like she’s still in there, my Maya. Making me coffee and breakfast in the morning along with little notes, and bringing it to bed, even if it is right before she leaves. She’s kept texting me updates from work, because she knows I get anxious whenever she’s on shift and the check-ins help. And she still hugs me and cuddles with me and gives me physical reassurance, whenever we have been together.”
By the end of the list Carinas smile faded into something more vulnerable.
“What is it?” Amelia asked, noticing the shift.
“I guess, it’s just that she does all those things trying so hard to be enough, but she won’t accept anything back. It’s been like trying to love a brick wall,” Carina said tearing up again, “I cook and she barely eats any of it, I compliment or praise or even just thank her and she just brushes it all off, and if I ever try to hug or cuddle or touch her she makes sure it’s her holding me instead. And I hate it, Amelia.”
Carina just finished wiping her eyes when the sound of approaching footsteps made both her and Amelia look up. Teddy Altman was walking down the hall, studying a chart with a furrowed brow.
"Carina," Teddy said, offering a tight, sympathetic smile as she reached them. "I saw on the board you were out of surgery. I assume Amelia filled you in?"
"She did," Carina nodded, standing up. "The Rhabdo. The fifty thousand."
Teddy sighed, closing the chart. "It’s actually fifty-two thousand now. We’re pushing fluids as fast as her heart can handle, but her kidneys are taking a beating. I need to go in and check her output. Do you want to come?"
Carina hesitated, looking at the door. "I... sí. But give me a minute. I need to compose myself before I go back in there."
"Take your time," Teddy said gently squeezing Carina’s arm before stepping into the room herself.
Carina watched through the glass as her friend transformed into the stern doctor Maya needed right now. She saw Teddy check the monitors, adjust the IV flow, and then say something that made Maya slump back against the pillows in defeat.
"She’s telling her she can’t leave, again," Amelia noted quietly.
"Good," Carina whispered. "Because if she tries to walk out of here, I will tie her to the bed myself."
Just as Carina was readying herself to go back in, a commotion at the nurses' station drew her attention. Two firefighters in firefighting uniforms were arguing with a nurse.
Andy and Vic.
"Family only right now," the nurse was saying.
"We are family," Vic argued, her voice rising in pitch. "I literally carried her out of the building. I think that buys me five minutes."
Carina pushed off the wall and walked over. "It’s okay," she told the nurse. "They can come in."
Andy looked relieved, though her eyes were red-rimmed. "Carina. God, we’re so sorry. We came as soon as we could.”
"How is she?" Vic asked, looking terrified. "She looked... she looked dead, Carina. When I picked her up, she was just dead weight."
Carina flinched at the description, but reassured them, "She’s stable," though her voice lacked its usual warmth. "It is Rhabdomyolysis. Extreme exhaustion."
"Rhabdo?" Andy winced. "Jesus."
"She is awake," Carina said, stepping aside. "But she is... fragile. Please. Be careful."
The two firefighters nodded and made their way into the room just as Teddy was finishing up.
“Herrera, Hughes," Teddy greeted them professionally. "Don't get her heart rate up. Five minutes."
Teddy brushed past them to leave, giving Carina a meaningful look as she exited. Your turn.
Carina stayed by the door, watching.
Maya’s eyes widened when she saw her teammates. She immediately tried sitting up straighter, wincing as her muscles protested. The instinct to be the Maya was so deeply ingrained it was painful to watch.
"Maya," Andy started, stopping at the foot of the bed taking hold of the rail. She looked like she wanted to yell and cry at the same time. "You scared the hell out of us."
"I’m sorry," Maya said immediately, her voice small. "I didn't mean to... I know I put the team in danger. I’m sorry."
"Stop apologizing," Vic said, stepping up to the side of the bed. She looked at Maya, really looked at her, and her expression crumpled. " We’re okay. I’m okay. It’s you we’re worried about. You were barely a weight to carry.”
Maya looked down at her hands, her face burning with shame. "I’m fine, Vic."
"You are not fine!" Andy snapped, the fear finally breaking through. "I asked you. At the scene. I asked you if you were good, and you looked me in the eye and you lied."
"I didn't lie," Maya whispered, her defence crumbling. "I thought I could do it. I thought I could push through."
"Why?" Andy asked, her voice cracking. "Why did you have to push through? You’re the best firefighter we have. You don’t have to prove anything."
"Yes, I did," Maya choked out. She looked up, her eyes wet. “Who even am I if I don’t?”
The silence in the room was deafening. Andy looked devastated. Vic looked like she was about to be sick.
"You’re Maya," Vic said softly. "You’re just Maya. And that’s more than enough for us. Please... just stop trying to kill yourself to prove you deserve to be here. You’ve earned your spot long ago."
Maya didn't answer. She just squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking out.
Carina decided that was enough. She stepped forward. "Okay. That is five minutes.”
Andy nodded, wiping her face. She reached out and squeezed Maya’s foot through the blanket. "We’ll handle the station. Just... get better, Maya. Please."
Vic lingered for a second longer. "Does she know?" she asked Carina quietly.
"Know what?"
"That we love her? Even when she’s not carrying a hose?"
Carina looked at her wife, who was currently curled in on herself, refusing to look at anyone. "I am working on it," Carina whispered.
Once the team left, the room fell into a heavy silence. The only sound was the rhythmic beep-beep-beep of the monitor and the hum of the machinery pushing the fluids.
Carina walked to the window and closed the blinds, shutting out the rest of the world dimming the room. Then she walked to the bed.
Maya was wiping her face aggressively, trying to compose herself. "I’m sorry," she said again. “I’m sorry I’m a mess."
"Stop," Carina said gently.
She lowered the railing on the side of the bed.
Maya looked up, confused. "What are you doing?"
"Move over," Carina instructed.
"Carina, it’s a twin bed. You won’t fit."
"I’ll fit. Move."
Maya hesitated, then slowly scooted to the far edge of the mattress, wincing as she moved her sore legs. Carina kicked off her shoes and climbed in. It was a tight squeeze. She had to lie on her side, moulding her body against Maya’s side.
Usually, this was the moment Maya would turn. She would wrap her arm around Carina, pull her close, and be the big spoon. The strong one.
Carina waited.
She felt Maya tense, felt the impulse to turn ripple through her muscles.
"Don't," Carina whispered, placing a hand flat on Maya’s chest, right over her heart. "Don’t take care of me right now."
Maya froze. "I don't know what to do then,” she whispered.
"Just be," Carina said, her voice thick with emotion. "I realized something, Bella. I have been trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in the bottom."
Maya’s breath hitched. "Carina..."
"You do everything for me," Carina continued, tracing the line of Maya’s collarbone with her thumb. "You make me coffee, and you learned to make it right for me. You send the texts. You hold me when I cry and when I don’t. But you never let me hold you. You never let me fill you back up."
"I don't need—"
"Yes, you do," Carina cut her off. "Look at you. You are in a hospital bed because you ran until your muscles died. Your bucket is empty, Maya. And I cannot stay and watch you break yourself anymore."
Maya turned her head, a flash of panic in her eyes before calmly asking, "So, you’re you leaving then?"
"No," Carina said firmly. "I am staying right here. But the rules are changing."
She shimmied closer, wrapping her arm securely over Maya’s waist, pinning her gently against herself. She buried her face in the crook of Maya’s neck, inhaling the scent of soot and sterile soap and Maya.
"I’m going to hold you," Carina murmured against her skin. "And you are going to let me. You are not going to fix anything. You are not going to apologize anymore. You are just going to lie here and let me love you."
Maya trembled. For a long moment, her body remained tense, fighting the vulnerability, fighting the terrifying sensation of being the one who was held.
"It’s okay," Carina whispered. "You can be small. You can be a mess. I’ve got you."
And finally, the fight went out of her.
Maya let out a long, shuddering breath. Her shoulders dropped. Her weight sank into the mattress, and into Carina. She didn't turn around. She didn't try to be the anything. She just closed her eyes, reached down to grip Carina’s arm around her waist, and held on.
"Okay," Maya whispered into the dark room.
It wasn't fixed. The CK levels were still dangerously high, they hadn’t figured out where to go from here, and the voice in Maya’s head was still screaming that she was lazy. But as Carina’s steady breathing warmed her neck, Maya didn't try to run.
For the first time in months, she just let herself rest, be held, and be loved.