Chapter Text
Perched plushly on the floor of Steve's apartment, with her knees curled under the coffee table, Wanda took a long swig of her beer as she mechanically laughed with her teammates after Sam jested about his pursuits of doing something akin to bunnies.
It had been 7 days after Tony and Natasha's memorial, 10 days after she, Sam, Bucky, and the many others had come back to life, 10 days after her fallen attempt at obliterating Thanos herself, 2 days after she buried Vision, and 1835 days since she ended the life of the only man she loved that wasn't her dead twin brother.
For her captain, it had been five years; for the rest of them, the catastrophe that befell them had been barely two weeks ago. In her heart, however, the despair of losing the love of her life was the freshest of decaying wounds that incapacitated her as the clock ticked by.
"I don't know about you guys, but I am taking a long vacation at home and gonna spend all my days fishing." Sam, ever the headwater of streaming liveliness that he is, boasted with a smug grin.
She liked Sam, but he didn't match what she was looking for. He exuded a brotherly spirit, and she didn't do that kind of thing anymore. He was too mouthy as well. Thor was as clangorous as Sam, but she was running out of routes at that point. Nonetheless, she preferred it when her terrain was hushed. So, she had long crossed his name off her list.
"How about you, Barnes?" Sam asked.
"I'm getting therapy. My brain is fixed now because of Princess Shuri, but there are millions of things that I should unpack, whatever that means. She recommended I take one." Bucky replied, looking as surly as Wanda.
Bucky was on her short list of candidates. He was a super soldier, probably with a mind as fucked up as hers, or maybe even worse. But the problem was, he never saw her as a woman. Their exchanges were mostly pruned down to mannerly nods and civilities. By all means, that could be easily glossed over; it would be best if she didn't have to, though.
"Aside from going to therapy, why don't you join Sam in his hometown? Fishing is a good way to unwind." Steve proposed, taking another sip of his beer blended with a shot of Thor's Asgardian mead; the only thing that entitled him and Bucky to feel the drag of alcohol seep through their veins.
Steve was below Bucky on the list. Among the three men with her in the lavish expanse of the captain's apartment, she liked Steve the most. He was the first one to give her and her brother a chance to turn over a new leaf; he fought for them and had been her mentor for many years. Yet, he saw her as a daughter, just as Clint does.
Steve is too headstrong and holds fast to his morals. Sure, he is open to getting acquainted with the new world that he's now living in, but he only saw her as the lost kitten he brought home.
It has to be Bucky. Contrary to Steve, Bucky seemed to be the one who could pair with her melancholy quite well. She's been eyeing him since the day they met at the airport in Leipzig years ago. He was monotonous and kept to himself, even more erudite than Steve. If she was right in her deductions, Bucky would be the man who did his assignment and left as soon as the mission was completed. That's what she wanted.
"How about you, Cap? What are you gonna do?" Sam shifted his attention to Steve, not even acknowledging the captain's recommendation about letting Bucky come along with him. "Any plans of wooing Sharon back to your arms? She's as pretty as the last time I saw her. That memory of your passionate makeout session is still etched in my brain."
Wanda almost choked on her drink at Sam's dishes. How she wished she were there to witness her captain making merry with a woman. She only saw him at work and almost thought he had shunned the prospects of intimacy. Truth be told, if she hadn't secretly traipsed around his head when Sam paid her a twenty, they'd all be assuming that Steve was still a virgin.
She kept the details about the woman he spent his first night with to herself. Her shame at the intrusion paved the way for her conviction of keeping the captain's fervent night in the abyss that he desired to keep sealed shut. All she told them was that it was neither Peggy nor Sharon.
"I will be on a sabbatical. I'll do nothing for at least a year." Steve frowned when she, Sam, and Bucky burst into laughter, also dismissing Sam's goading. "What?"
"You? Do nothing? Come on, Cap." Sam exclaimed.
"I will. Well, I still have the support group I'm leading, but aside from that, I'll be holing myself up in this brand-new apartment that the nation had kindly given me for my services." Steve grinned, that signature lingering grin of his that always captured the hearts of the women who had the opportunity to be in his company.
Wanda may or may not have had a crush on the captain once, but that expeditiously vanished the moment she laid her eyes on Vision.
She still reminisces about how she dwelled a bit longer, watching his handsome face wrench as he struggled under her trance, sprawled on the grungy stairs of that salvage yard. That all seemed like decades ago now. She was the villain back then, still is in the eyes of many, but no longer in the eyes of the people closest to her.
Clint and Steve had always been her champions, repeatedly standing up to Bruce and Tony's unwillingness to welcome her. Natasha didn't like her as well; she never did. Nevertheless, Clint and Steve were the men that the widow held dearest in her heart and found a way to overlook her personal grudges. However, Wanda knew; she felt Natasha's glare whenever she thought Wanda wasn't looking. She didn't have to see; she never did.
"How about you, kid?" Steve almost startled her when he stared straight back at her.
She shrugged and gave him a taut smile. "I'm not going to use my powers from now on. That wizard they called Doctor Strange kept trying to convince me to be under his wing and train. He was too stunned by my abilities and wanted to dissect me. And, I'm going to build a house."
"Forget about Strange. Why won't you use your powers? Don't you know how cool you were when you almost killed Thanos? He had to rain fire on his own troops! Not even Steve wielding Thor's hammer or Thor or that Captain Marvel came that close." Sam spoke a little too loudly for her liking, but she did her best to conceal her annoyance.
"Almost, but not entirely." She shot back, the resentment unhurriedly wriggling within her like grapevines.
"I'm more interested in the house." Bucky chimed in, meeting her gaze.
She tilted her head as she studied his features. Unlike Steve, everything about Bucky roared viciousness, which made her legs clamp together in anticipation that his peculiarities might echo his biological attributes. "Vis, he left me a plot of land in New Jersey. It was supposed to be our forever home, where we could grow old, even though he would have never aged. I'm also a millionaire now, apparently, since Tony won the lawsuit against the government and Ross for me through his expensive lawyers during our deaths. I'm going to use my newly attained riches to build a house. I don't know what I will do after that yet." It was blood money. A payment for the abuse inflicted upon her.
She was singled out and spat on, yet when she met Ross again at the memorial, he was beaming at her as if he didn't torture her until she begged them to just kill her and be done with it. She was only nineteen when all of that happened, not underage. Still, if the public caught wind of it, it would certainly not sit well, even if she was supposed to be a delinquent and the catalyst for the Sokovia Accords that documented her as a nuclear weapon, not a teenager.
"That's a good plan, Wanda. If you need any help, just let me know. I'll have a lot of time." Steve lightly squeezed her shoulder, radiating nothing but a cordial emotion.
"You can draw her house for her," Sam proffered, looking more enthusiastic than she was. It was a good idea, though.
"Would you, Cap? I think I like Sam's idea." She took another sip of her beer and detected Steve's reproachful regard. To him, she was a child; he was right, since their deaths halted their aging, but it still didn't bring her delight.
"Hey, hey, stop with the daddy grimace, Cap. She can drink now; even so, in Sokovia, everyone can have a bottle by the age of 16."
"15, actually," Bucky interjected, correcting Sam.
She raised her bottle to the two men and smirked. They clanked theirs with hers and cackled at Steve's expense. Steve is too uptight, another reason for her to drop him lower on her list. He'll be fun if he gets activated, but she didn't want somebody she had to mold to her liking.
"I'm just looking out for her. Wanda, where are you staying nowadays? I never got to ask." Steve got up, opened his fridge, and took a pitcher of water out before heading to the kitchen for a glass.
"Stark Hotel. A bit pricey for my liking, but the service is worth every penny." Accepting the glass of water that Steve handed her, she nodded her thanks to him. The icy and somehow sweet liquid grazed her throat smoothly, making her concede to how parched she was.
"Pepper makes you pay?" Sam sounded disdainful of the notion.
"Well, she had just lost her husband. I don't think his former teammate's accommodations will be on her mind. Nobody's in the mood nowadays. Look at the four of us still gathering here amid the devastation of what just transpired." Steve reminded and reprimanded Sam, who masterminded the housewarming party for Steve's new place.
"Not everyone is as selfish as you, Wilson," Bucky retorted, making Wanda scoff.
"Me? Selfish? You really think I'd let you go fishing with me if I'm selfish?"
"Hey! Stop bickering. You two act like an old married couple all the time. If Wanda only speaks at twenty percent octave, you two never fail to reach a hundred." Steve slumped back to his seat on the leather couch that he brought from his old apartment. "How the hell are you even roommates if you can't stand each other?"
Presumably wired up by the essence of firewater that had been advancing into her head, Wanda raised her hand, which grabbed everyone's attention. "I have a question."
"Go on, kid." Steve encouraged her, looking tied up in knots.
"Cap, why didn't you stay? When you returned the gems, why didn't you go to Peggy? If it were me, I would have." Hence, no one thought of her for the critical task.
The room fell silent, all eyes on Steve as they waited for his reaction. Wanda comprehended the reason, of course. She didn't need to hear his thoughts to uncover why. In fact, she could already tell what words would spill from that beautiful mouth of his.
It was odd; she had seen Steve in those tight-fitting shirts he liked to wear, and she had even seen him without them, but tonight she found him mouth-watering. She turned her regard back to Bucky and waited to feel the same way, scrutinizing how his hair, as black as coal, curtained his face.
"It was wrong. I have to admit it struck me. But ultimately, Peggy had built a beautiful life for herself. It would have been egocentric to knock on her door and undo all the good she had done." Steve spoke again, stealing her concentration from Bucky.
She hated how the heartache devastating him found its way to her, but her control was slipping because of her inebriation, her lids heavy.
In a desperate need for fresh air, Wanda got to her feet and headed to the balcony. She hadn't even taken a few steps when she already felt a firm grip on her arm. When she turned her head, she found Steve standing over her. He cupped her face before touching her forehead.
"I think that's enough booze for you." He murmured, steering her onto the couch beside Bucky, who instantly made space for her.
"Why don't you stay here in Steve's place? He has a huge apartment with an extra room. You two can be lonely at the same time." Sam's recommendation felt like a frigid splash of water, bringing her wits back.
She appreciated the supposition. Perhaps, she could observe him further and change her mind about him. It will be more convenient than what she was planning for Bucky. She held her tongue, though.
"That's a great idea. You can stay here as long as you like, kid." Steve sat beside her, pinching her cheek airily.
"What will Sharon think of that?" Bucky raised a crucial concern.
From what Wanda heard, Steve and Sharon dated after the snap. But just because they broke up did not mean that the woman would no longer be interested in the captain. She bobbed her head in agreement. Resting her cheek on Bucky's shoulder, she heaved a weighty sigh against his metal arm. A test.
She felt Bucky flinch before immediately declining his blade to make her more comfortable.
"What would Sharon think aside from Steve's daughter staying over for the summer? Who knows, it might even become an excuse for the two of them to reconnect. Like divorced parents taking turns with their kid." Sam's objective was pleasant for Wanda.
She had never encountered Agent Carter before, but she liked the woman for Steve, regardless of how odd their relationship was, because Sharon was Peggy's great-niece.
"It's just weird," Bucky mumbled. "A man and a woman staying at the same place."
So Bucky finally saw her as a woman? That made her smile to herself.
"Get on with the times, man. Everything is too expensive nowadays that anyone could be a roommate." Sam was on fire with his intellectual ripostes tonight. "Again, it's Wanda. She's basically everyone's daughter by now. No harm in that."
"As long as Wanda is comfortable with the idea, I don't see anything wrong with it," Steve added.
Wanda gave them all a thumbs up, too lethargic to formulate a sentence. Bucky enveloped an arm around her and leaned against the couch, pulling them closer, so close that she could hear his slow breaths and smell the liquor mingled with his sweat.
"See, she's becoming your daughter, too," Sam remarked, making her chuckle.
Had Sam had any idea of what Wanda had in mind, he would snatch that leer from his own lips.
"Does she remind you of your sister?" Steve's query made Wanda's ears heat up with aversion.
Bucky didn't respond, taking another gulp of his beer instead. Depleted, Wanda chose to rest her eyes for a bit.
...............
When Wanda came to, she realized that muscular arms and deliberate strides were carrying her away. Languidly opening her eyes, she caught sight of Steve's sculpted jaw, his ocean scent wafting to her nostrils.
"Cap," she murmured.
"Hey, you fell asleep. You just suddenly began faintly snoring in the middle of our conversation. I'm taking you to the spare bedroom now."
"How about Sam and Bucky?"
"They went home just now. Bucky didn't drink Thor's mead, so he was good to drive; he even had to sling Sam over his shoulder like a sack of rice." He chuckled, showing that dimple of his that made him seem younger than the century that he truly was.
As Steve gently lay her on the plushy mattress, she couldn't help but think about Thor.
They didn't get to talk that day, mainly for the reason that she was purposely evading the god. Even so, she still ruminated on where he was now. His decision to leave with those beings from another galaxy came as a surprise to everyone but her.
Why wouldn't he want to gallivant all over the universe when he no longer had a home or a family, just like her?
"If you want to change your clothes, I'll bring one of my shirts. It will be too big for you, but at least you'll be relaxed when you sleep. Tomorrow, I'll come with you to the hotel to collect your belongings."
"I sleep naked. I'll be fine." She wasn't testing him, but she might as well have been, with how his face turned a ripe shade of tomato.
"Maybe you should join Bucky with that therapy he was planning on. Or you can join Sam and him on that fishing trip. You could use some fresh air." Pulling the sheets to her neck, Steve sat by her side. "Ever thought about going back to school? You're still too young. You can still get yourself out there and figure out what you want."
She didn't need fresh air or plans. She needed him to be gone and shut the door to his room—or was it hers now that she had agreed to stay with him? Regardless, she was in dire need of minutes to herself to ease the rigor that was causing her discomfort.
Her body had become habituated to prodding her into action around the same time, which told her that it was likely past midnight by now. Over the past few days, she had been a creature of the dark, sinking her fangs into unknowing companions, and it compelled her to hide from sunlight.
She took, but she also gave. It's not like the people she met were lambs like Steve.
"I'm building a house. I don't even know where to begin. I'll do my research and get to it."
"You'll have all the time for that, don't you think?"
"That's all we have now, isn't it? Time. In a way, we're the same. You lost your life and hopes because of time, so did I."
"Would you have done it? Truly? What would you do to the other you that existed in the same branch of time as Vision?" She pondered his words for a while, mentally calculating the incursions in her head, and came to a grueling finale.
"Only one can survive, Captain. I'm a lot more powerful than that Wanda. It would be easy, like crushing an insect with my thumb. No one would know. Maybe Vision would; he could read me like a book. I managed to overpower him once or twice; I don't doubt I could do it over and over again. It would still be me, nonetheless."
For the duration of the years spent training with the earth's mightiest heroes, the best thing Natasha taught Wanda was to harken and heed without making a sound. So when she was brought back to life, she listened in to the triumphant chatterings around her. It was mostly from Scott, who couldn't stop boasting about how travelling through time was his idea. She heard him paint a vivid photograph of how the past would not trickle down to the present, unlike what was presented in the movies.
Alas, she missed her lucky break when she couldn't even rally the boldness to volunteer herself.
It was evident that she didn't even cross their minds. It had to be Steve, and no one else, and that made sense. However, she knew that if she had asked him and lied about just wanting a glimpse, he would have said yes. Steve was the doting kind of father to her; he would have given her the closure that he assumed she yearned for.
Rubbing his thumb on her brow, Steve gazed at her with such compassion that he always offered her. His kindness for her never withered, even when her actions led to the separation of the team he worked hard to foster; he never turned his back on her.
The memory of him punching through the glass that contained her until it cracked remained as one of her most treasured memories. It didn't matter that the shrill of electricity stung him when he tore that metallic collar on her neck; he didn't balk and liberated her. He bore her in his arms just like he did moments ago and kissed her forehead as he murmured his apologies to her limp and bruised form.
"Wanda, life will never be the way we imagined it to be. As long as we have air in our lungs, things will always take a sharp turn, sometimes for the worse. You've been burned and battered too many times. It will be hard, but I hope that you find it in you to forgive the terrible hand that was dealt to you. Even I don't know which way I'm going yet, but I'll keep my head up and do what I can to be worthy of the breath I'm breathing. What about you? What will you do?"
"I don't know. I have no thoughts." A lie she didn't have to shed the light on. "I guess I'll just prance about and hope that I'll wake up one day and everything won't hurt as much anymore." A fraction of the truth. If he was worried that she would go on a rampage for vengeance, he was mistaken.
The author of her cruel life had died, hopefully. All she wants is to alleviate the ache, the never-ending ache.
"That's a good start. I like that you're building a house. Everyone needs a home, somewhere you could rest your head when the world outside becomes too blaring for your ears, you'll have a place where you can retreat. Aside from drawing for you, is there anything else I can do? I'll help you with whatever I can. All you have to do is ask. You have my word."
He can scratch her itch, but she didn't know how she could put that into words for him yet.
She still hoped that Bucky could do it for her, but she compromised that whoever caves between them first will be her new Thor. Well, there was always the option of returning to the God of Thunder. She knew how to reach him; somehow, she was assured he would answer her summons and give her what they both needed.
"I write a lot these days. Vis told me that everything I can't say out loud, I can let the pen scream for me."
"Like a diary?"
"I guess."
"Does it help?"
She giggled and pulled the blanket over her chin. "Sometimes it does. Vision was the only one I could lay myself bare to. And now he's gone. I killed him, and for nothing."
Wanda had another secret.
When she turned into dust that day, she felt relief. She was glad to go. Nothing ever went her way, and dying without endeavor or any possibility of being saved was her reprieve. She despised the fact that she had come back to life. All of that would remain as her secret. She had no right to slap the faces of the people who renounced their own lives to the pyre to undo the curse that devoured their existence for many years. Certainly not for Steve's sake or Clint's family.
Yet, she still abhorred breathing, unlike Steve.
My Dearest Vision,
My bones ache, my skin is wilted, and my face is a blur when I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I hate living. I hate not being with you. I hate the people around me who smile through their pain. I hate where I am, and I hate myself.
I wish they failed to defeat the ogre that took you from me. A dead person can't feel grief, but here I am dead but alive.
I no longer have the fire inside me that you adored. You took the flames with you when you yielded for the greater good. How could you? Is this my punishment for refusing to run away when you asked me to? I was young and foolish back then. I coveted acceptance in the guise of being a hero. I thought that becoming an Avenger would help pay for my sins.
I thought wrong, terribly wrong.
I miss you. I crave you. I wanna burn for you again. Maybe soon, my love. Perhaps I'll be brave enough to cut the vein that links me to this wretched world I'm living in.
I wanna wake up in your arms again, not a stranger's.
Are you out there? I tried to scour my memories for any reminders of an afterlife where I was reunited with you and my family, but all I see is darkness. That doesn't seem fair.
For now, I'm waiting for the tides to wash me ashore and ship me off to one of the two soldiers who sees me as a little girl. I'm waiting for a sliver of submission from either of them. Once I see it, I'll feed the wolves in my body. I want it to be Bucky, but I guess the captain will do.
I love you, Vis. Please visit me in my dreams, you never do.
Yours Forever,
Wanda