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Felix stared at his reflection in the mirror and saw his nerves staring back at him. He could put on his mask and cover up all signs of them, but Hyunjin had told him he didn’t have to do that anymore. Compared to all the things Felix had gone through in the past year, attending his first ever Hwang family Christmas party really shouldn’t seem that scary, but he felt jitters everywhere just thinking about it. Running his fingers through his hair again, Felix checked that the dark roots hadn’t started showing against the silver color yet. He liked how it looked on him. Hyunjin had helped him pick the color out; something unique without going back to the precious blonde he had been raised with.
“Wow! Baby, you look amazing!” Hyunjin walked into the bathroom from the bedroom where he had been changing into his outfit for the evening. He walked into view of the mirror behind Felix and hugged his arms around Felix’s waist. “Your silver hair makes you look even more like an angel.”
A small laugh filled Felix’s mouth and he hugged the arms that were wrapped around him. Taking in the sight of their matching ivory colored cashmere sweaters and dark pants, Felix took another breath. It was their first Christmas together. The first of the rest of them.
“I’m nervous,” Felix whispered, watching Hyunjin’s face in the mirror.
“Why?” Hyunjin whispered back, his chin resting on Felix’s shoulder.
“Because this is my first Christmas with a real family.” Felix watched Hyunjin’s expression soften before he pressed a kiss against Felix’s shoulder.
“I’m a little nervous, too.” Hyunjin met Felix’s gaze in the mirror again. “This is my first time bringing someone with me to the family party.”
It never ceased to fill Felix with a rush of butterflies any time Hyunjin reminded him that this was his first time doing things, too. They were in the midst of it together. Smiling, Felix felt a little bit of the tension release from his shoulders.
“I hope you have a really nice time tonight, sweetheart.” Hyunjin turned to kiss the base of Felix’s neck, right above the collar of his sweater. “I want you to enjoy your first Christmas with a real family.”
Turning to face Hyunjin, Felix wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s chest. He smiled again when Hyunjin kissed his nose.
“Are you ready to go?” Hyunjin stepped back and gave his boyfriend’s appearance a once-over. “You look great.”
“Do I look like your favorite boyfriend?” Felix asked, a teasing lilt to his question.
“Always.” Hyunjin grinned as he pulled Felix into his side. “Should we go see if Han is ready to go?”
The couple found Felix’s roommate tugging on a pair of socks and holding a haphazardly wrapped gift in his hands. Felix laughed at his friend as he took the two gift bags that were waiting on the kitchen counter. After trying to wrap presents for Yeji’s birthday, Felix knew better than to try to mess with wrapping paper. The three of them went down the elevator and shivered when they stepped out into the parking garage. Grabbing Felix’s hand, Hyunjin walked close beside him to try to keep him warm.
On the drive to Jiniret, Felix felt the nerves multiply. He had been part of the family again for three months now. He knew he had a place there with Hyunjin and the others, but he could never forget how many years they had been taking care of and protecting one another. His time with them felt like nothing in comparison. Glancing in the backseat, he asked Han if he could feel the warm air from the vents yet. He felt a little better knowing Han would be there with him.
Felix clung to Hyunjin’s hand as they walked inside. Han hung behind them, holding onto his gift like a brightly-wrapped, box-shaped shield. As soon as they rounded the corner into the main area of the club, Felix caught his breath and froze. Beside him, he heard Hyunjin chuckle and saw him smile over at him.
“Merry Christmas, Felix!” a chorus of voices reached him and pulled his attention away from the strings of twinkling lights that hung everywhere, the silver tinsel that sparkled from the ceiling, the greenery that wrapped around pillars and edges, and a giant Christmas tree in the middle of the dance floor. Felix had seen opulent Christmas scenes before–the Lee home had always been decorated quite tastefully–but it had always lacked the most important things; laughter, smiling faces and the warmth of friendship.
Hands reached out to take the gift bags from him and put them with the others while someone else took their coats. Felix watched Han follow Wooyoung to look at all the ornaments hanging on the tree. On the other side of the room, Yeji stood in a knitted black dress, a gold belt around her hips and a glass of wine in her hand. She looked peaceful and powerful at the same time, like a brighter image of her mother. Spotting her brother’s arrival, she waved them over.
“It must have taken hours to decorate the tree,” Felix said to Hyunjin as they walked over to Yeji.
“Yeah, the girls love doing it.” Hyunjin smiled. “It’s their favorite part of the year. They lock all the guys out and turn on Christmas music, drink wine and eat Christmas cookies while they set everything up.”
Once the couple reached Yeji, she gave them each a hug. Before Hyunjin could even mention looking for a drink, Minho and Chris walked over to join them, each holding two glasses. They were dressed in matching maroon button-up shirts and black dress pants, their only differences being the black tie around Minho’s neck and the black, unbuttoned vest Chris wore over his shirt. Chris handed his extra drink to Hyunjin, while Minho passed his to Felix. Holding it up to his nose, Felix tried to smell the flavors and caught a whiff of cinnamon.
“It’s warm?” Felix realized.
“I think you’ll like it,” said Minho with a confident smile. He slipped his hand into Chris’s and took a long sip of his drink.
“Merry Christmas, Felix.” Chris held out his glass to tap it against the edge of the other’s.
“Merry Christmas, Chris. Minho.” Felix’s cheeks were already pink as he took his first sip. Minho watched him, laughing at the expression on his face. Felix swallowed it down. “Wow, that was… different.”
“Minho loves making people drink moju at Christmas time,” said Yeji with a smirk.
“Do you like it, sweetheart?” Hyunjin asked, a smile playing at his expression.
“I think so,” said Felix, and the others let themselves laugh at his answer.
A faint buzzing sound came from several cellphones around him and Felix watched as Chris, Hyunjin and Yeji all pulled out their phones. Minho leaned over Chris’s shoulder and Felix stared up at Hyunjin to see his reaction to whatever message they had all received. A crease formed between Yeji’s brows as she read.
“What does that mean?” She looked up from her phone to the men standing around her.
“I don’t know.” Chris sounded nervous. “I can’t remember the last time Bin asked for a family meeting, let alone to call one right before family Christmas?”
“He doesn’t say it’s an emergency.” Hyunjin carefully read the message again.
“Fuck, he sure does know how to kill the Christmas spirit.” Minho tossed back the rest of his drink and set the empty glass on a nearby table. His eyes roved around the room and he nudged Felix with his elbow. “Your other friends are here.”
Craning his neck, Felix saw Jeongin and Haewon walk in with Seungmin and Tzuyu. They all had red cheeks from the cold and they thanked Lia for taking their jackets and their gifts. They spotted Felix and waved, so Felix waved back. Before they could make their way over, however, Han intercepted them to show them the tree.
“I see we’ve extended invitations to a lot of extras this year,” said Minho tightly as he caught sight of Sang-Yi talking to Ryujin next to the bar and Do-Hwan having a serious conversation with San.
“They all passed the background check, Min,” assured Yeji. “And they’ve all helped us one way or another this year to keep the family safe, it was only right to invite them for Christmas. I could have invited Cha Eun-Woo, and I didn’t.”
“It’s okay, love.” Chris gave Minho’s hand a squeeze and brushed his lips lightly over Minho’s temple. “I have two knives on me if you need extra.”
“Do you really?” Minho turned to Chris with surprise. A corner of his mouth tilted up in a pleased smile. “You really are my fucking soulmate.”
“They’re here,” said Yeji, pointing out Changbin and Chaeryeong walking in.
Felix didn’t know exactly what the message from Changbin read, only that the young man had asked for a family meeting. He watched Changbin carefully help Chaeryeong out of her coat, then smooth down her hair. He smiled at her and said something that made her smile back, her chunky, bright red sweater swallowing her petite frame. Changbin wore a white button-up and a red tie that matched Chaeryeong’s sweater. After hugging Lia hello, Chaeryeong took Changbin’s hand and they walked over to where Felix and the others stood. Felix tried to read if the couple had any anxious energy surrounding them, but their expressions seemed happy. Chaeryeong’s face practically glowed in the soft lighting.
“Hey, do you guys mind if we go into a room real quick for a family meeting?” Changbin asked as he walked up. His voice came out a little shaky, and Felix noticed a light sheen of sweat on his brow. Hyunjin’s grip tightened on Felix’s hand and Felix wondered if Hyunjin could see more in Changbin’s face than Felix could.
“Let’s go.” Yeji didn’t waste any time with questions, just nodded down the hallway.
When Hyunjin didn’t let go of his hand, Felix understood that he was meant to be part of the family meeting, too. A small thrill ran through him, half excitement and half nerves. He knew that family meetings sometimes meant bad news, but he chose to believe this would be something good. If he had to hear bad news on his first Christmas with a real family…
They all filed into Hyunjin’s office. Yeji grabbed the chair from behind Hyunjin’s desk and sat down. Minho and Chris took a seat on Hyunjin’s couch while Hyunjin had Felix sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk and stood beside him. Taking their place in the middle of the room so everyone could see them, Changbin and Chaeryeong gave each other nervous smiles.
“All right, Bin.” Chris broke through the silence first. “We’re here.”
“Thank you, guys,” said Chaeryeong in a soft voice. She met all their gazes with a smile. Her stare rested on Yeji and Felix thought she saw something sparkle in the corner of her eye. “I know we can’t take long, but we wanted to share some good news with everyone.”
Minho’s eyes went immediately to Chaeryeong’s empty ring finger. Yeji shifted forward in her chair, her half-drank glass of wine set on the corner of Hyunjin’s desk. A beat of silence and Yeji stood to her feet, her hands covering her mouth as Chaeryeong let out a shaky laugh and her eyes filled with tears. Chaeryeong nodded at her friend and Yeji let out a gasp before rushing across the room to hug her.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” Yeji’s eyes squeezed shut and one of her hands reached for Changbin. “Oh my god! You guys!”
“Thanks, Yej.” Changbin sniffled and cleared his throat, then looked around the room with a watery gaze to explain to the others. “We’re gonna have a baby.”
“What?!” Chris’s exclamation filled the room, followed seconds later by a loud peel of laughter. He jumped to his feet and wrapped his arms around Changbin seconds before Hyunjin was right there, too. “Wow! Congratulations!”
Both Minho and Felix stood to their feet. Felix hung back, but Minho went over to Chaeryeong. He waited for Yeji to step aside. Felix handed Yeji a tissue and she thanked him with a laugh.
“Oh my god, Chae, you thought you’d never be able to.” Yeji’s voice came out thick. “You really thought it wouldn’t be possible.”
“I know.” Chaeryeong’s chin quivered as she leaned into the side hug Minho gave her. “We were so shocked when the test came back positive. We didn’t even believe it!”
“Have you guys seen a doctor yet?” Chris asked.
“Yeah. We just went yesterday.” Changbin sounded proud as he pulled something out of his pocket. “There’s not much to see yet, but we have a picture from the ultrasound.”
“Already?” Yeji leaned forward to see it.
While everyone hovered around Changbin to see the sonogram, Felix inched over to Chaeryeong. She had been so kind to him since the very beginning and he could see her happiness all over her face. Felix waited until she spotted him to hold open his arms.
“Congratulations, Chae,” he said quietly as he hugged her.
“Thank you, Felix.” She hugged him tightly. “I’m so glad you’re here to hear the news! I was hoping it would be something happy that everyone could celebrate.”
“It’s very happy news,” said Felix. They stepped apart and he gave her a smile. “You’re going to be an amazing mom.”
Tears shimmered in her eyes and she swallowed hard, but a tear ran down her cheek anyway. She grabbed Felix’s hand and gave it a squeeze.
“I’m really glad my baby is going to grow up knowing a person like you, Felix,” she said.
Then Hyunjin was reaching past him to give Chaeryeong a hug, Chris right behind him. Changbin grabbed Felix by the arm and hugged him, telling him to not be shy, he was family. When Hyunjin and Chris finished hugging Chaeryeong, Yeji went back to hug her again. The two friends held each other, silent tears running down their faces. Hyunjin’s hand found the small of Felix’s back as he stood beside him. Hyunjin watched with a trembling smile.
“It’s the first of the next generation,” said Chris, clapping Changbin on the shoulder. “You’re going to be an amazing dad. You know that your child will always be loved and accepted and protected by us, no matter what. Anything you need, call on us. Money, food, clothes, help.”
“Yeah, we know.” Changbin ducked his head, happy tears in his eyes. “We already know how loved our baby is going to be and we’re really thankful.”
“We’re going to do better,” said Yeji as she straightened and wiped her tears with the tissue. “For the next generation of Hwangs, we’re going to be people they can look up to. I promise, Chae. We’re going to be better.”
“I know.” Chaeryeong’s voice shook as she nodded confidently at her friend. “I believe in you.”
“Not that I don’t want this moment to last because, holy shit, Bin, this is the best news to end the year on, but we have a bunch of people out there waiting for us.” Chris reminded everyone of the party waiting to happen.
“Yeah, for sure, let’s head out there.” Changbin took Chaeryeong by the hand and led them all to the door.
The soft sound of murmuring caught Felix’s ear and he turned to see Minho leaning into Chris, whispering something, while Chris had an arm wrapped around Minho’s waist, listening with a little frown. Felix turned back around, allowing Hyunjin’s hand on his back to guide him.
“You okay?” Hyunjin asked in a quiet voice and Felix looked up to see the remnants of tears on his lashes.
“Yes.” Felix smiled as he made them pause and reached up to wipe the tears away. He gave Hyunjin a peck on the lips when he finished. “I’m really happy for them.”
“Me, too.” Hyunjin’s arm went around Felix as they continued walking until they reached the main room again. Reluctantly, his arm fell away and he gave Felix a little wink.
Their seats at the table were next to Felix’s friends and roommates, giving Felix a chance to greet them. Haewon gave him a big hug and Tzuyu told him his hair looked even better in person. Everyone found their places. At the head of the table, Yeji sat with Yuna and Ryujin beside her. Felix thought about Jackson and wondered how the move back to Hong Kong had gone for him.
“Before we start our meal that was prepared for us by Auntie,” said Yeji. She paused for the cheers and applause to die down. “We have a very special announcement from Changbin and Chae.”
Taking over at Yeji’s nod, Changbin and Chaeryeong stood up and moved to the front of the room. Everyone’s eyes went to them. They held hands and Felix thought again that Chaeryeong looked like she was glowing in the Christmas lights.
“As most of you guys know, a few years ago, Chaeryeong was hurt, very badly,” Changbin began, his voice loud, but wavering with emotion. His eyes went to where Felix sat. “You all helped nurse her back to health and get her back on her feet. We were so, so thankful that she recovered.”
Murmurs went around the room, saying they were thankful, too.
“What we didn’t tell most people is that her injury affected whether or not Chae would be able to have kids,” Changbin said, and the room went so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. “We had always wanted kids. Even before we met, Chae always wanted to be a mom.”
Felix spotted Yuna, Lia and Ryujin’s expressions shifting as they listened, realization dawning in their eyes.
“So, we’re very happy to tell you that the doctor told us yesterday we’re having a baby!” Changbin finished and shouts and squeals erupted all around them.
Rushing to their friend, Yuna, Ryujin and Lia hugged Chaeryeong, while others stood up to hug Changbin. Shouts of congratulations rang out around the room and several people let out loud whistles. Felix thought his face might start hurting from smiling so big. Wooyoung and Bam Bam started singing a song and clapping and Han swiveled in his seat to join them.
“Everyone sit down!” Auntie stood on a chair, her voice carrying through the room. “Tonight we will eat and celebrate my first grandchild!”
Cheers filled the room once more before people noisily returned to their seats.
Christmas music drifted through the background and food made its way around tables. Minho brought Felix another drink and he felt deliciously warm on the inside. He turned to stare at Hyunjin, his eyes shining. Seeing the look on his boyfriend’s face, Hyunjin smiled and darted closer to give him a quick kiss.
“Auntie’s here now, sweetheart, we have to be careful,” whispered Hyunjin, leaning in to say it in Felix’s ear. They could see Auntie’s back to them at the moment.
“Can you kiss me when we get home then?” Felix whispered back.
“I’ll kiss you the second we get in the car.” Hyunjin’s hand found Felix’s knee under the edge of the table.
For the rest of the evening, Felix soaked in his first family Christmas. The little bird that used to sit in a cage hopped around, staring at everything and making curious noises. His food sat comfortably in his belly, the tree looked magical and the gifts were sweet. Sitting between Seungmin and Haewon, Felix watched with bright eyes as people took turns opening presents. Some were funny inside jokes, like the book on potty training animals that Minho gave to San, and some were deeply personalized, like the painting that Hyunjin made for Ryujin. Yuna had Felix’s name and she gave him the softest scarf and a pair of gloves.
“Thank you, Yuna!” Felix gave her a hug. “This is perfect!”
Felix had drawn Yeji’s name. At first he thought about asking Hyunjin for help, then decided he wanted to find something on his own. It had taken him a long time to decide what he should give her, and in the end he settled on something a little generic, but she still smiled and thanked him for it when she unwrapped her mug. Felix had found a pretty one that he could see Yeji using in her office, but he still couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed at how impersonal it came across.
With the gift exchange over, a few people began leaving. Leftovers were wrapped up in tinfoil and taken home. Hugs and thank you’s were exchanged one last time. Through the midst of the chaos, Felix met eyes with Hyunjin from across the room. Something in his heart pounded at the sight of his boyfriend, so handsome and all his attention on Felix. Holding eye-contact for a moment longer, Felix stood up and slipped out of the room to disappear down the hallway. He didn’t know if Hyunjin would follow him or not, but if he did…
“Hmmm.” A playful voice came from the doorway and Felix whirled around from Hyunjin’s desk to see him with his arms crossed and leaning against the doorframe. “Someone’s sneaking around, I see.”
“Sorry, I’m just looking for my boyfriend,” said Felix with an innocent blink of his eyes.
“Well, he better find you soon.” Hyunjin pushed himself away from the frame. He shut the door and clicked the lock into place.
Felix flinched at the sound and his body went stiff.
Immediately, Hyunjin broke out of character and unlocked the door to swing it open.
“Hey, sweetheart, you’re okay. You’re safe,” he said as he hurried across the room. “You’re safe, it’s just me. Come here.”
Hyunjin carefully led Felix to the little bedroom in the corner, he closed the door until an inch remained between it and the doorframe. He sat Felix on the edge of the bed and sank down next to him. Letting out a shaky breath, Felix frowned as he turned to look at Hyunjin.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his hands still trembling from the sound of the lock clicking behind Hyunjin.
“We’ve talked about this, sweetheart, you never have to apologize for this.” Hyunjin kept a hand on Felix’s arm, one of the safe places that didn’t remind Felix of bad things. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I started it.” Felix stared down at his lap, a lump in his throat. “You were just playing along with what I started.”
“Hey.” Hyunjin’s voice came out so gentle. “Can I touch you yet, or do you still need space?”
“Just wait a minute.” Felix’s voice came out small. The icy feeling that used to accompany locked door visits from people in the past still sat in the pit of his stomach.
“Okay. No rush.” Hyunjin held his hand, rubbing his thumb across the back of Felix’s knuckles.
“I’m really happy for Changbin and Chaeryeong,” said Felix, hoping that a distraction would help the bad feelings leave faster. “I didn’t know she had an injury.”
“Yeah.” Hyunjin let out a heavy exhale as he frowned. “It happened when she was out with us looking at a property because we needed her to help get security camera footage. Someone recognized us. I didn’t know it at the time, but she ran. She’s a fast runner, so it made sense for her to run instead of trying to fight.”
“No one was with her to protect her?” Felix asked.
“We didn’t know where she had gone. Changbin had watched her run and tried to take care of the guys that were trying to follow her, but some slipped past.” Hyunjin licked his lips and tightened his hold on Felix’s hand. “When we realized she wasn’t coming back and not answering her phone, we split up and searched for her. Changbin found her and he ran with her in his arms all the way to the nearest hospital. Everyone knows he’s strong, but to carry her passed out from blood loss for almost a mile?”
“He must have been so scared.”
“Yeah. He was. We all were, but Bin, he never stopped praying for a second the whole time we were in the waiting room. I don’t know that he’s ever forgiven himself for not protecting her better.” Hyunjin looked over at Felix. “I know how he feels.”
“None of what happened to me is your fault,” said Felix. Again.
“Can I touch you yet?” Hyunjin asked with guarded anticipation.
Felix nodded and Hyunjin pulled him onto his lap and buried his face against Felix’s shoulder. Resting his cheek on the top of Hyunjin’s head, Felix inhaled the scent of Hyunjin’s cologne. The ruffled feathers of the little bird settled, its tiny heartbeat calming with the safe touch.
It’s just Hyunjin. It’s just us. He loves me.
After a long moment, Hyunjin lifted his head, rubbing his hands up and down Felix’s back. He stared into Felix’s eyes, reading all that he could find there. Felix smiled and leaned forward to kiss him.
“I’m okay,” said Felix.
“Good.” Hyunjin still looked concerned when Felix sat back. “You feel safe?”
Felix nodded.
“Baby, I need you to tell me with your words.” Hyunjin gave Felix a stern tilt of his head, softening his expression with a rueful smile. “I’m not inside your body. Do you actually feel safe?”
“I feel fine with you.” Felix answered honestly. “I’m still a little… anxious.”
“Anxious?” Hyunjin’s lips twitched downward.
“But not because of you.” Felix put a hand on Hyunjin’s cheek. “Because of the locking sound.”
Hyunjin let out a breath, doing his best to hide the way his ribcage shuddered.
“You can sing to me?” Felix could see the helpless feeling on Hyunjin’s face. “That will help.”
“Okay.” Hyunjin wrapped his arms tightly around his boyfriend and Felix rested his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. He listened while Hyunjin sang a Korean song he didn’t think he had ever heard before. It sounded a little bit like a lullaby. Hyunjin’s low, smooth voice soothed Felix as he took deep breaths. Hyunjin only sang for a minute, but Felix felt loose in his chest as he sat back up.
“Thank you, darling.” Felix gave him another kiss, holding Hyunjin’s face in his hands.
“Better?” Hyunjin asked, slowly blinking his eyes open.
“Yeah.” Felix gave him a smile.
“Good.” Hyunjin let out a sigh. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Felix wished he could find some way to tell Hyunjin how much it meant to have him by his side through all the aftermath of the assaults and the abuse. He didn’t want Hyunjin to remember the look on his face when the lock clicked into place, he wanted Hyunjin to remember how Felix smiled at him when the last of the anxiety slipped away.
“Let’s go back out to the party.” Hyunjin helped Felix to his feet and stood up.
“Okay.” Felix swallowed down his disappointment. He knew he wasn’t really in the mood any more for a secret make-out session, and he hated himself a little bit for ruining the moment. “I have to talk to Yeji for a minute anyway.”
“Why?” Hyunjin stared at Felix as he opened the door to the bedroom. “Did something happen?”
“No, darling, of course not.” Felix shook his head. “I just… I got her for Secret Santa and I want to see if she liked her gift.”
“I’m sure she did, sweetheart.” Hyunjin frowned as they walked through Hyunjin’s office and entered the hallway.
“Yeah, I just want to check.” Felix found Hyunjin’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze before hurrying ahead of him to make it seem less suspicious in case Auntie noticed they returned together.
Walking back into the main room, Felix saw a third of the guests had already left. Several people were sitting at tables with their drinks, settled into deep conversations, while a large group had formed on the floor by the tree, a new type of game set up between them. Felix spotted his friends in the latter group and smiled as Jeongin cheered over something. He caught eyes with Chris and walked over to him.
“Do you know where Yeji is?” Felix asked.
“She went up to her office.” Chris nodded at the darkened stairway that led up. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to ask if she liked her gift,” Felix repeated the half truth.
“I think she just went up to grab her things, so you can head up,” said Chris. “Just knock and wait for her to open the door.”
Felix nodded and hurried over to the stairs. He swallowed hard, reminding himself he didn’t have to be nervous. He didn’t even fully know what he wanted to say other than Merry Christmas and let her know he had put thought into what he bought her. Ever since she accepted him back into the family, they had settled into a half-way comfortable dynamic. Every so often, though, something would be mentioned and he would see the way her emotions shuttered her away and she would find any excuse to leave the room or the conversation. They only ever interacted with a group between them to buffer the sharp edges that still existed in their past.
Felix paused outside Yeji’s door before knocking. He half expected her to open it, but instead he heard her call out for him to come in. When she saw him in the doorway, her smile dropped just enough for Felix to notice and she froze, her hand halfway in her purse as if looking for something.
“Hi, Felix. Come in.” She stared over his shoulder. “Jin isn’t with you?”
“No, I just wanted to come up and say Merry Christmas,” Felix shut the door quietly behind him. “Did you… did you like your gift?”
“Yes!” Yeji’s smile lit up her face again. “Thank you, it’s my favorite colors.”
“Good.” Felix let out a sigh of relief. “I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t try to get you something I thought you would like.”
“What do you mean?” Yeji paused again.
“I know that a coffee cup can be really, uh, impersonal, and I didn’t…” Felix licked his lips nervously and tried to maintain eye-contact. “You matter to me, Yeji. Because you’re Hyunjin’s sister, and because you’re you. I know we aren’t really close at the moment, but I didn’t want you to think I didn’t put any thought into your gift. I w-wanted you to like it.”
“Yeah, I do.” Yeji watched him with a look that reminded Felix of her brother. “I will use it. A lot, probably.” She let out a little laugh to try to relieve the tension in the room.
“Good.” Felix nodded and realized he didn’t have anything else to say. “Okay, well…”
“Felix, wait.” Yeji stopped him. She let out a deep breath. “I need to apologize, again and more properly, for how I treated you back when I found out who you were.”
“I-…”
“No, let me… let me talk. Please.” Yeji gave him a tense smile. “I know you understand why. And I appreciate all the understanding you’ve given me in that regard. But me, as a person, the way I want to be, I regret how I handled it.”
Felix felt his breath catch in his throat at the words.
“I did not even let myself consider that you and Minho and Jin were telling the truth, and that’s not how a good leader acts.” The words came out as if they hurt. “I lo-lost… I lost someone I truly loved because of how I acted. I wish I would have listened to him, to Jin, to the people who actually knew you.”
Hearing the words felt beautiful and horrible at the same time. Felix stared down at his hands holding on to the edge of Yeji’s desk.
“I didn’t let myself consider what it must have been like for you to be that man’s son, or why you needed Jin so much.” Yeji’s voice came out quiet. “You had no one, and I took away the person who you needed the most. I felt very alone and misunderstood during that time, which is exactly how I made you feel as well.”
Felix lifted his eyes to Yeji’s face at the last sentence.
“Every day I wanted to talk to my mom about all the things that I didn’t understand, I wanted my dad to comfort me and tell me I had done the right things, but I couldn’t.” Yeji’s tears fell when she blinked and she wiped them away quickly. “You didn’t have a mom or dad to go to for comfort either. I felt like Jin had betrayed me and even after he came back, he could barely look at me and I was angry at him for it because he should understand better than anyone why I had no other choice. You didn’t have a sibling you could rely on either.”
Listening to Yeji draw the parallels between them did something to Felix’s hurt that he tried his best to forget for Hyunjin’s sake. He tried to forget it because he had been brought back in. Yeji had done what she needed to do as a leader, so Felix had no reason to hold anything against her. But there she stood, staring at him and validating all the pain he had kept hidden.
“You’ve been more gracious than I feel like I deserve, Felix.” Yeji let out a quiet breath and glanced down for a moment. “I know we’re going to be in each other’s lives for a long time because of Jin, and I don’t want you to think I don’t care about the pain I caused you. The pain I caused you both.”
The silence stretched on between them long enough that Felix felt that he could say something in return.
“When I first heard that Hyunjin was a Hwang and I knew what that meant, sort of, I told him I didn’t care. It didn’t change anything for me.” Felix could feel how heavily Yeji’s gaze rested on him. “Because I had seen the way he treated the people around him. I knew how he treated me.”
Yeji didn’t interrupt as Felix spoke slowly.
“I see how you treat those around you. I see how many things you have to deal with at your age.” Felix hoped his words were coming out right. “It was Lee Min-Seok’s fault, that bastard at Lee Enterprises. Not yours.”
Pressing her lips together, Yeji tried to keep her tears back at the words.
“It’s Seon-J’s fault,” Felix continued, saying the name awkwardly, like it tasted bad. “It did hurt to be away from Hyunjin and everyone. It did hurt that you chose not to believe me. But Lee Min-Seok put us both into that position. He’s the reason I was a threat to the family. Seon-J is the one who murdered everyone and made it impossible for you to see me as anything else.”
“I could have, though, Felix.” Yeji forced the words out.
“I forgive you for not being able to.” Felix met her eyes.
Yeji’s tiny gasp fell softly on Felix’s ears. Her eyes spilled over with tears and she let out a mumbled shit as she looked up at the ceiling and dabbed at her eyes. Something Jackson told him once came to mind, something about how Yeji would never need him but he liked to pretend because he would never find anyone like her. Felix might not be in love with Yeji like Jackson was, but he did see that undeniable strength and maturity that went far beyond her years. Yeji straightened her shoulders and cleared her throat, as if fully accepting the fact that she needed someone’s forgiveness took extra strength. But her eyes were calm when she looked at Felix again, and her lips almost smiled, and her exhale sounded like relief.
“Thank you, Felix,” she said, and Felix believed her.
“I-I’m glad you like your mug,” he stumbled over his words, doing his best to show that he didn’t need to talk about it anymore. To his surprise, more tears filled Yeji’s eyes.
“It will always be very special to me,” she said.
“I should go find Jin.” Felix gave her a tentative smile that grew wider when she smiled back. “Merry Christmas, Yeji.”
“Merry Christmas, Felix.”
Leaving Yeji’s office on legs that felt unsteady made Felix grip the railing all the way down the stairs. As soon as he stepped off the last one he saw Hyunjin heading his way. He gave Felix a look that asked him if he was okay. Nodding, Felix hoped his eyes didn’t give him away.
“Yah! Lix! Come play this game with us!” Han shot up to his feet and waved over his friend. “Come be on my team! It’s so fun!”
Allowing himself to fall back into the festivities, Felix joined the game. A moment later he looked up and saw Hyunjin on the other team, his arm slung around Seungmin’s shoulders. When their eyes met, Hyunjin gave him a wink. They played until Jeongin and Han convinced Chris to join them too and he beat everyone. Everyone groaned while Chris simply grinned without a word and raised his eyebrows at Minho. Minho didn’t say anything from where he sat at a table, just gave his boyfriend a quiet smirk and lifted his drink to his lips.
“Where’s Lia? I want to sing Christmas songs!” Yuna said with a pout as she stared up at the tree.
“Haewon can sing,” said Felix. “And so can Han.”
“So can Seungmin,” added Jeongin.
“Lia!” Ryujin called for her friend. “We’re going to sing!”
Felix listened, his back leaning against Hyunjin’s legs as he continued sitting on the floor. Auntie had left, so Hyunjin’s hand rested on the back of Felix’s head, his fingers brushing lightly through his hair. Off to the side, Yeji pulled out the chair next to Minho and sat down. He poured her a drink without needing to be asked and she thanked him with a nod. A few minutes later, Chaeryeong sat with them while Changbin joined the carolers.
Overhead, Christmas lights sparkled in a way Felix had never seen before. The smell of pine and spiced cider wafted gently through the room. The giant tree that stood next to them wasn’t real, but pine scent clung to its branches to help it better play the part. Last year, the smell of pine had been synonymous with the countdown Felix had in his head. Whether it would end with him going to Seoul or ending his own life, he hadn’t known. Every night he went to bed feeling numb over that steady beat of desperation that pulsed deep inside of him. Had they even had presents under the tree? Had they opened them? What did they eat for Christmas dinner? Felix couldn’t remember any of it.
Feeling too far away, Felix shifted from the floor and pulled a chair next to Hyunjin. Hyunjin watched him with careful eyes, his arm going around his boyfriend when Felix leaned his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and listened to the girls harmonize a line about being home for Christmas. His soft side glowed with a warmth that he felt more often these days. When he opened his eyes, Haewon smiled at him and he smiled back
Felix didn’t keep track of the time as more people slipped away, calling it a night. At the first sign of Chaeryeong yawning, Yeji called Changbin over to take the mother of his child home. Everyone stood to make sure the woman zipped up her jacket and made it out to the car safely. The party felt officially over.
“You ready to go home, sweetheart?” Hyunjin asked.
“Yes.” Felix wanted to bottle up the feeling he had inside of him and keep it forever.
Back at the apartment, Hyunjin went in to shower. Felix laughed at Seungmin and Han arguing over whether colored Christmas lights or white Christmas lights were more festive while they sprawled out on the couch, a box of Christmas cookies open on the coffee table. They changed into their pajamas and had some holiday film starting on the television. Felix had never seen it.
“You want to watch it with us, Lix?” Han asked from under his blanket.
“I think I’m too tired to watch it now,” said Felix with a frown.
“I’ll watch it with you later if you want,” Han offered easily. “It’s my favorite Christmas movie.”
“Okay. Sure.” Felix smiled and added that feeling to the others he had collected that night.
Saying goodnight to his roommates, Felix went into his bedroom. Hyunjin stood in the bathroom in his pajamas, toothbrush in hand. Felix smiled at him and grabbed his toothbrush to join him.
“So,” Hyunjin started as they climbed under Felix’s mountain of blankets. By morning, Hyunjin would have pushed most of them off and Felix would still be buried beneath them.
“So?” Felix curled into Hyunjin’s side and waited for him to continue.
“How was it?” Hyunjin asked softly. “Was it okay?”
Felix didn’t know how to put all of his feelings into words, so he gave Hyunjin a sleepy smile and a nod. Hyunjin’s arm slipped under him and hugged Felix tighter against him. Through the crack under the bedroom door, they could barely make out the sounds of Seungmin and Han’s movie and the boys laughing over something. A happy shiver ran down Felix’s spine.
“Are you cold?” Hyunjin asked with a quiet laugh. “How can you be cold?”
“No, I’m happy,” said Felix. “I’m really, really happy.”
“Yeah?” Hyunjin’s eyes blinked down at Felix.
“I love Christmas with a real family.” Felix didn’t expect the words to make his eyes tear up, but they did and Hyunjin rolled onto his side to hold Felix in his arms. “I never realized how much I didn’t have without one.”
“Now you have one and you’ll always have us, sweetheart.” Hyunjin pressed a firm kiss against the top of Felix’s head. “You’ll always have a family now.”
“Hyunjin,” said Felix quietly. “Will you come with me when I see my real parents next week?”
“You want me to, sweetheart?” Hyunjin pulled back to see Felix’s face better in the dim light.
“Yeah.” Felix stared up at him. “I’m really nervous.”
“About seeing them?” Hyunjin lifted his hand to smooth back Felix’s hair and run his fingertips over Felix’s cheek.
“Yeah.”
“Have they said something to you that makes you nervous?” A crease formed between Hyunjin’s brows. “I thought you’ve been having good conversations with them.”
“I have been. I just…” Felix didn’t really know how to put it into words. “They make me nervous. Y-you remember my bird? How I see myself as a bird?”
“Of course.” Hyunjin nodded.
“They make the bird anxious.” Felix knew it didn’t make sense, but it was the only way he knew how to explain it. “Like, if anyone might have a cage that could hurt me, it would be them.”
“Oh, sweetheart.”
Felix could feel in the way Hyunjin hugged him how much Felix’s words made him sad.
“I don’t think they have a cage, baby,” said Hyunjin finally. “They really seem to care about you.”
“I know.” Felix stared past Hyunjin’s shoulder at the bird paintings on the wall. He had just started learning how to fly. No more golden bars and no more aviaries. In the past, Mom and Dad meant confinement and pain. How did he simply unlearn that? “I just don’t know how to make my bird believe it.”
“I get it.” Hyunjin kissed Felix’s forehead. “I’ll go with you.”
“Thank you, baby.” Felix angled his face up so Hyunjin could kiss him on the mouth. “Besides, they said they liked you after they met you at the coffee shop.”
“Did they?” Hyunjin’s mouth turned up into a smile. “I liked them, too. They seem like genuine people.”
Felix didn’t say anything. He agreed, but he didn’t know how to believe it. Not yet.
“Hey.” Hyunjin pulled him from his thoughts.
“Hmm?” Felix smiled and looked up at him again. “You’re really handsome.”
A blush filled Hyunjin’s cheeks and he caught Felix’s lips in a kiss that turned deep. He shifted so he was above Felix, instead of to the side. The new position allowed him to press in, swallowing a moan that came from Felix as he opened his mouth and let Hyunjin’s tongue find his. When they finally broke apart, Felix laughed a little at the dazed look on his boyfriend’s face.
“Thank you,” Felix teased him, giving him another kiss on the jaw as Hyunjin tried to catch his breath.
“You made me forget what I wanted to say,” said Hyunjin, dropping his forehead to rest against Felix’s. He smiled when Felix moved to kiss him one, two, three times, holding longer on the last one.
One, one thousand. Two, one thousand. Three, one thousand.
“Merry Christmas?” Felix guessed with a quiet laugh.
“I don’t know.” Hyunjin gave up and flopped back down onto his side of the bed. “Maybe that is what I wanted to say.”
“You can still say it.” Felix found his boyfriend’s hand under the covers and gripped it tightly. “This is the first time I feel happy to say it, so you can tell me as many times as you want.”
Turning to Felix once again, Hyunjin brought his free hand to cup Felix’s cheek. Felix watched as Hyunjin’s dark eyes filled with tears that never spilled over, and when he opened his mouth, his words didn’t shake. They were calm, sincere, and warm. Felix felt them all the way down to his toes and he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
“Merry Christmas, pretty bird.”
➰ end ➰