Chapter Text
As Tommy parked the truck on the street, he could see the jeep parked close to the garage, its hood up. The owner of said jeep stood in front of it, hands buried in the vehicle’s guts and head bent low over his work.
Tommy had to swallow at the sight, hating himself a little more than usual.
Wide shoulders put on display by what was once a dark blue or black tshirt, now faded to that grey that only comes with time and too many washes, sleeves cut off, and the words “Data” and “5” slowly peeling off. Somehow Evan was both a little leaner yet more muscular than the last time Tommy had seen him. Impossibly long legs in low slung basketball shorts that experience told him would barely require a small tug to take off. For a moment, he could feel the phantom press of those legs around him, holding him close and urging him on. A gorgeous ass he’d once spent hours worshipping.
Swallowing again, he got out of the truck and made his way to his ex-boyfriend for what was undoubtedly a long overdue discussion he wasn’t exactly ready for.
“I could feel you staring.” Evan’s voice cut through his musings and Tommy looked up at him to find bright blue eyes staring at him over Evan’s shoulder. “I can’t say I’m surprised you showed up, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this soon.”
“I think I’m actually late for this discussion.” Tommy answered.
Evan stilled at the words. “Ah.” He exhaled before straightening up, hands reaching for a rag. “You’re not here about the job.”
“It’s a little about the job, but I think we need to clear the air. You said some things when we met earlier that I’d like to clarify.” In fact, he wanted to clarify all of it. Hopefully, this would be a case of better late than never.
Evan carefully closed the hood before finally turning around and facing Tommy.
Sweat at his temples made his curls wilder than usual and there was distinct pink to the slope of his nose and across his cheekbones, either from the heat or the beginning of sunburn.
He was gorgeous and something that felt like want and something else Tommy’d never dared to say out loud curled in his gut. This man was everything he wanted, and running away was the sharpest regret he had.
“Might as well do this inside.” Evan said, before turning around and heading not for the front door but towards the back.
Tommy almost whined when the other man whipped up his shirt over his head, turning it inside out and using it to open the door. Smart.
He must have been louder than he thought, because he was answered by a snicker. “Shut up. You know what you look like.”
“It’s not like I don’t work for it.” Evan answered, crossing to the sink where there was what appeared to be a hand cleaning kit made to specifically counter engine grease. Besides that were a clean shirt and a clean towel that had apparently seen better days. Tommy raised a brow at the sight. Obviously, Evan had a well established routine when it came to this. “And for the record? I’m not the one who decided you no longer got to hit this.” Evan continued.
It was a rush of cold water down his back. “I know.” He said quietly. He watched as the man methodically cleaned his hands, and the way he made sure to leave no trace of grease anywhere.
Evan sighed as he dried his hands and pulled a new tshirt over his head. It was almost identical to the old one while being clearly newer. It wasn’t quite as faded and it still had sleeves. It was, however, a smidge too tight across the shoulders. The design stamped over the heart was one he was achingly familiar with. The outline of a grinning frog wearing a scuba and diving mask on the top of its head was also inked over Evan’s ribcage and he could draw it from memory.
Not for the first time, Tommy wondered about the meaning behind the ink, and, just like every other time he’d considered asking anything about the numerous tattoos that adorned his lover, he stayed quiet.
There was a time when asking would have been his right but he’d chosen to avoid asking many personal questions out of a need to keep some distance. The words might now be burning to get out, but he’d forfeited the right to them.
“I thought you had a shift tonight?” Evan asked, opening a door and grabbing two thermos flasks from it, filling them from the fridge door.
“I was on call. Bilodeau has two sick kids at home, and a girlfriend with a double shift at the hospital she couldn’t get out of. The babysitter apparently caught whatever the kids have and he was scrambling to find someone to stay with the kids. I was on tap to fill in for him if he couldn’t come in for his shift.”
The table Evan directed him towards wasn’t one Tommy was familiar with. It was obviously used but well cared for and he cautiously took a seat when prompted to, only to be handed one of the flasks. “I take it he found someone?” Evan questioned, taking his own seat and fidgeting with the bottle before he seemed to still himself.
It made Tommy hurt. Both the sign that Evan wasn’t exactly comfortable, and the way he’d stopped himself when Tommy had finally convinced him he didn’t mind the way the other man sometimes needed to expel some energy. “He did.”
Evan met his eyes straight on, the beloved blue guarded and cautious. “You said something about needing clarity?”
Tommy took a deep breath. “Before I get to that, I just want to say that of course I’m okay with you coming to Harbor. Everyone in the LAFD knows you’re a rock star when it comes to the job.”
Evan made a face and Tommy took note of it so they could come back to it. He continued. “As for you coming in as the lieutenant on shift, it did take me back a bit because you never mentioned being interested in that sort of promotion. That said, once I got over the surprise, I think you’ll make a great lieutenant. You’re solid in the field and you can read a scene in the blink of an eye. You have a way with people that means you’ll be a good leader.”
“You’re not afraid I won’t be able to treat you like the rest of the shift?” Evan asked softly, something in the way he spoke sending another little flare of alarm up in Tommy’s mind.
Since he’d taken some time to ask himself that very question, he did have a ready answer to give. “We have a preexisting history. Of course it changes things. You won’t try to make me eat something I don’t like because you already know about it. You already know my routines and my quirks while you’ll need to learn all that stuff about the others. That’s normal. But out in the field? I trust, with everything I am, that you’ll treat everyone the same. You’ll fight to get someone out of a bad spot just as hard no matter who it is. You’ll never send someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself. You won’t assign me the shit jobs just because you’re angry with me. I do believe you would assign those jobs as a punishment for something that happens on the job, but that’s it. You wouldn’t bring the outside into the station. Same as you would with anyone else.” He takes another breath, hesitating for a moment. “Did you think I’d have a problem with it?”
Evan sighed, and rubbed his hand over his face. “I might have a problem with it. I don’t know if I can be objective, and I know from personal experience how much that sort of discrimination sucks, even if it’s favoritism. Bobby’s attachment and his difficulty in separating the personal from the professional has bitten me on the ass more than once.”
There was a story there Tommy really wanted to know.
“You’re not the only discussion I need to have before I make a decision. If I do take the job, I’ll probably set up a safety net of sorts with Micky. Make sure she keeps an eye on things and takes me to task if I go overboard in any direction.” He sighs. “Maybe.”
Tommy raised a brow. “Micky?”
Evan flushed. “I’ve known Micky Vasquez for close to fifteen years. That’s as much as I’m legally allowed to say.” He hesitated. “Even that might be more than I’m supposed to say to anyone, Micky included.”
Tommy stared. “You know my captain.” His eyes narrowed. Fifteen years was well before Evan joined the LAFD, and if his math was correct, Michaela Vasquez had still been serving as an helicopter pilot in the US Marines right around that time.
“Don’t ask questions I can’t answer.” Evan warned him, eyes gone deadly serious. “I’ve got someone working on a way to let me discuss some things, but as of right now, I need to keep my mouth shut. I’ve already said too much.” He shook his head. “As things stand, there’s more than one reason I’m hesitating on the job. I need a good long chat with Micky to clear some of them.” Evan gives him a look. “Speaking of clearing things, you had something to talk about?”
The subject change wasn’t subtle but Tommy didn’t bother mentioning it. Obviously, he wouldn’t be getting answers on that particular topic but there were other things to discuss.
“You said something this morning that’s sort of stuck in my head, and I think I need you to explain it to me.”
Evan frowned. “What was it?”
Tommy inhaled slowly and braced himself a little. “You said we’d been involved in very different relationships.”
Evan nodded.
“I don’t-” Tommy stopped himself, frustrated. The words had been going around and around in his head ever since Evan had used them and he wasn’t any closer to understanding any of it.
Thankfully, Evan answered his unspoken question. “Not at first, but in retrospect? After the first few months, we weren’t involved in the same relationship.” He sighed. “Those early months, we were both in it together. Two guys dating, trying to decide where we wanted the relationship to go. We were getting to know each other and I think we were on the same wavelength. That changed around month 3 or 4. That’s the point where I started to believe I was building forever with the love of my life and that’s right around the time you started to disengage.”
Tommy gasped. “I didn-”
Evan frowned at him. “You absolutely did. You started avoiding serious discussions and you took a step back anytime I mentioned the future further than a couple of months. You still spent the night at my place, but started using a bag instead of leaving stuff in the drawer I’d given you.” He shook his head. “It’s like we went from something potentially serious to something casual. You clearly decided I wasn’t someone you could invest in, so you switched to friendship with benefits.” Evan snorted, something incredibly bitter in the sound that hurt Tommy. “You’re not even the first person I’ve dated who couldn’t see a future with me but decided to stick around for a while anyway because the sex was good enough.”
“Evan.” Tommy breathed out.
The man flinched. “I’d prefer you don’t use that name. I’m done with hearing it like I’m a disappointment.” He snorted again. “I’d rather you don’t use Buck either because it hurts coming from you, so I don’t know where that leaves us.”
It was Tommy’s turn to flinch. He was well aware of Evan’s very mixed feelings about both his own given name and the nickname he’d been using since the academy, and to be lumped in with the Buckleys was heartbreaking. It hurt as much as the words ‘love of my life’ had a minute before.
Evan ignored him. “People don’t stay. Family, friends, lovers. There’s a pattern there that I forgot about for a while. I’m always too much, or not enough. I’m fucking Goldilocks over here, and I knew it, but I let myself believe this time would be different. The worst thing is? The signs were all there and I ignored them.”
“I wanted things to work.” Tommy blurted out.
“At the beginning? Yeah. I can see it. I don’t know what happened, how I fucked up, but something clearly changed and you stopped trying.” Clear blue eyes stared him down. “And don’t give me that bullshit about my first but not my last. I’ve had relationships before. I know what I want, and I’m an actual adult who can make that decision for myself.”
“You were still figuring yourself out.” Tommy pointed out hesitatingly.
“I’m in my thirties. I’ve already done the indiscriminate fucking. I’ve got no interest in going back to it. I’m all figured out. Yes, liking men was a bit of a new factor, but it doesn’t change what I want in a partner. That has nothing to do with the gender of the person involved.”
“You research everything, including the most outlandish subjects, but you didn’t do any research on sexuality.” He was starting to feel defensive and he didn’t quite want to look at why.
Evan leaned back into his chair, clearly considering him. “I didn’t need to do research. Let me tell you a story. I have a cousin. He’s about Maddie’s age so we have about an 8 years age difference. He was kicked out of his house at seventeen for coming out. I remember not quite understanding what that meant back then and it got even worse a few months later when he took a baseball bat to the head at his senior prom.”
Tommy stared.
“He was my favorite cousin. What do you think I did when he ended up in the hospital for liking dick? What do you think I did when he was inside the Pittsburgh nightclub that was bombed during a prop 8 event a few years later?” He shook his head. “What do you think I did the first time a sex partner told me they were non-binary or maybe that handful of trans people I’ve had in my bed? What about working with a happily married lesbian for the last 9 years?”
Tommy was speechless.
“I’ve done all the research a long time ago. When I said I was an ally, I didn’t just mean that thing about putting a rainbow on social media during pride. I’ve worked gay bars. I’ve stopped at least two bashings that I know of and I’ve stepped in whenever I’ve heard homophobic language.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say you’re bisexual?” Tommy said weakly.
Evan cocked his head to the side. “Because I don’t think I am?” Before Tommy could react to that statement, he continued. “I’m still trying to decide on a label that fits. Pan is better than bi, but I think I might prefer queer. I don’t care what’s in someone’s pants or how they identify, as long as they’re comfortable with it. I like people, not genital organs.”
“You said you admired me, like I was gay Yoda or something.”
He got back a look so incredulous it was almost comical. “I do admire you. I know how much serving under DADT sucked for queer soldiers. I know, personally, how bad Gerrard is. I’ve heard the stories about how you were during his tenure. You worked hard to accept yourself and to come out. I admire that. It’s hard. You were basically marinating in toxic masculinity for years but you clawed your way out of that shit. I don’t think you’re perfect. You’re a goddamned mess a lot of the time. That doesn’t mean I don’t see how far you’ve come.”
Emotion was clogging his throat, making it hard to breathe or talk but Tommy still forced out. “You asked me to move in with you. I own my own house. You lived in what was basically a one bedroom place with no walls.”
The incredulity was back. “I meant move in with me, not into the loft. I wasn’t about to offer to move into the place you barely let me in. I think I’ve set foot into your house half a dozen times total. I figured you wouldn’t want me in your space but you might be okay moving into something that was both of ours. I was wrong.”
“You thought I didn’t want you in my space but that I would be okay to live with you?” The statement didn’t make sense.
Evan blew out a breath. “I know this couple. They dated for several years and they spent all of their time together at his place because she was uncomfortable having anyone in her space. She had reasons. A fucked up childhood with no privacy, followed by military service and shared bunks on deployments. When they decided to take the plunge, they found a new place, large enough so she could have a dedicated room that was hers only to retreat to when needed. They set up boundaries and rules on when it was acceptable for him to go into that space. It works. You were a gay man serving under DADT. You spent a huge part of your life hiding and privacy might have been hard to come by. I wouldn’t blame you for being neurotic about it. Most vets have at least a quirk or two.”
“You couldn’t have mentioned all of that then?” Tommy asked, knowing it wouldn’t have changed anything.
“When?” Evan throws a hand in the air. “You gave me that bullshit about needing to ride more dicks or something and then you ran. You were out the door in like 5 minutes. You ran like your ass was on fire.” He cocked his head. “Bad analogy for a firefighter. I’ve seen you land an helicopter on a capsized cruise ship in the middle of a hurricane without showing a sign of fear, but a fucking mention of moving in together and you ran out that door so fast I’m surprised you didn’t leave skid marks.” He nodded his head like he was satisfied with the imagery and Tommy had to bite back an inappropriately timed smile.
“You made it real clear I was your Mr. Right now, not your forever.” Evan seemed to steady himself. “I hate it. I hate that I couldn’t see it coming. I hate how much I wish you’d felt a fraction of what I did. I hate how I might not be your last, but you’re certainly mine. You may be an asshole who broke my heart, but I suspect you’ll always be the partner I want. I don’t see my feelings going away.” There was a sheen on those eyes that finished breaking Tommy’s heart.
He’d spent the last five months trying to convince himself he’d done the right thing. That while he’d still managed to break his own heart, he’d at least gotten out early enough that Evan would be just fine.
But maybe there was a tiny minuscule shred of hope that it could be fixed. “I still reach out to you every time I wake up.” He said, forcing the words past the hurt that had been lodged solidly in his throat since he’d walked out of the loft. “I can’t drink coffee without remembering your attempts at figuring out how I like to drink it. I want to text you a hundred times a day so I can share stupid things guaranteed to goad you into a research spiral. I drive past the loft several times a week just so I can feel close to you. I’ve been stalking you on social media and I made an album out of the pictures I’ve been grabbing from your instagram account.” He’s about to go on, only to be interrupted by the ringing of a cellphone.
There was some disappointment when Evan reached for the phone, but it evaporated quickly. The man wasn’t the type to ignore a ringing phone, just in case he was being called in for emergency coverage.
He hadn’t expected the brow raised in surprise or the ‘sorry, I need to answer’.
“Hey. Everything alright?” Evan glanced his way quickly. “I’m home, but not alone.” Tommy felt a twinge at the words. “Thomas Kinard. Yes, the ex-boyfriend. Sam, I swear to God, don’t make me call G.” He frowned. “Since when is this a discussion I can have on speaker?” Evan rolled his eyes but quickly switched on the speaker, setting the phone down on the table between them. “Done, asshole.”
“So glad you listened.” Came a dry voice. “Now, are you sitting down?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
“Wiseass.” There was a wealth of fondness in the word. “I don’t know how you did it kid, but you sure stirred the pot. Your file is in the process of being declassified. It’s going under full review and Hetty’s fit to be tied.”
Evan straightened up. “What?”
“Your full service file is under review. Whoever you got to make enquiries bypassed your usual contact and got someone who took one look at your file and immediately ordered an investigation.”
“I don’-” Evan stammered and Tommy stared at him. He’d never seen that look before and he was beyond curious about what was causing it.
“Congratulations, you’re officially in the middle of a cover-up that was just blown wide open.”
“Sam.” Evan barked. “What the fuck’s going on?” There was an edge of panic to the words that had bells of alarm ringing in Tommy’s head.
“Breathe.” The man that had to be Sam ordered. “Someone requested a partial declassification of your file and the person she spoke to realized there was something extremely fishy about the whole thing. The brass contacted us because we’re the closest to you geographically. Hetty took one look at your file and recognised your name from hearing G and I talking about you. The moment she saw the SEAL connection, she looped me in.”
Tommy reeled back.
“She thought you’d be more likely to talk to another SEAL, especially one you’ve known for years. Given how it looks like you were fucked over by your chain of command, I wouldn’t exactly blame you for being leary.”
“Sam.” Evan gasped out.
“You sound like you’re a second away from a panic attack kid. Do I need to tell the ex-boyfriend to give you a hug? That usually helps you.”
Tommy hesitated before he offered his hand, palm side up. “I’m always happy to hug him. And I was just about to try convincing him to drop the ex in that ex-boyfriend thing.”
Evan’s eyes shot up to meet Tommy’s, wide and shocked.
“Like that, is it? I had a feeling.” Sam mused.
Evan was still staring at him, breathing short and Tommy slowly got to his feet. “Baby? Can I hug you?” He took a careful step forward, far enough to avoid crowding the man, but close enough to be within arms reach.
Which was a good thing, because Evan’s hand reached for him, his fingers shaking. With relief settling in every bone, Tommy stepped up, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, tucking him close. “Just breathe with me.” He murmured. “You’re fine and you’re not alone.”
Slowly, Evan’s breathing started to settle back down but Tommy refused to let go.
He did, however, speak up. “Can I ask who I’m speaking to?”
“SSA Sam Hanna, NCIS. How is he?”
“It’s getting better. Can I ask questions?” He combed his fingers through already dishevelled curls and got an hesitant nod in answer, one echoed verbally on the phone. “Evan nodded yes. I gather that you two know each other well?” He prodded.
“I’ve known Data for about thirteen years when he was forcefully transferred into the reserves. He got back in touch when he moved back to California for the LAFD academy. He knows my wife, my partner, and has seen my kids grow up. He’s been a regular at my dining table for years.” Tommy nodded, with a mental note to ask questions about the name later.
“Am I allowed to ask why he was forcefully transferred?”
“A few hours ago, that answer would have been no. Data, mind if I give him the broad lines of the situation? I need to ask you about some of it anyway, so you won’t have to go over the story twice.” He seemed to hesitate. “That’s a lie. You’ll need to tell that story a bunch more times because I’m serious about the investigation. At some point, I’ll need you to meet with my team officially to go over the details but it can wait.”
“Yeah, go ahead.” Evan all but croaked out, head still buried against Tommy.
“Hold on a sec. Let’s move this to the couch, you’ll be more comfortable.” Grabbing the phone, Tommy prodded the other man until he stood on his feet and all but frogmarched him towards the living room.
To his surprise, the room was empty of anything but a couch, television and a coffee table. While the loft had certainly been minimalist, it had never been this barren.
Thankful for his own strength, he manhandled Evan onto the piece of furniture, tucking him into his side. The phone was put down on the table, and Tommy settled down, pressing his lips to Evan’s curls. “We’re set.”
A hum answered him from the phone. “I’ve got his file, or at least what I can currently access in front of me. We won’t be able to discuss mission specifics.” Sam warned.
“I was Army. I know how that works.” Tommy reassured him.
“Alright. Evan Buckley took the SEAL civilian challenge at twenty years old and aced his way into training. From what I’m reading, he basically took a stroll through training, including Hell week. There’s nothing but glowing comments in his training file except that he had a bit too much heart and that his future CO would need to keep an eye on that.”
Evan snorted from where he’d burrowed into Tommy.
Tommy shook his head. “Did he specialize?” He asked.
“Let’s see. I have a feeling I know the answer, but we’ve never discussed it.” There was some more humming. “Ah! Knew it. Excelled at any sort of rope work but underwater was where he stood out.”
Tommy cut in. “He has a reputation for his ability on the ropes. Generally considered one of the best in the department.”
“Well, I’ve dived with him and he’s a goddamned fish. Call sign should have been water related.” Sam groused for a second before obviously going back to the file. “Joined a regular team once out of training but was transferred to a combat diver position within a few months. Was sent to the reserves a year later after an incident that's so classified the only word I can read is his name. Everything else is blacked out.”
“Not directly.” Evan piped in.
“What?” Sam asked.
Evan leaned back into his seat, and would have moved away if Tommy hadn’t kept him firmly anchored into his side. Having that familiar weight pressed against him was such a relief that Tommy was nowhere near ready to let him go. Given the lack of an argument, he suspected that at least some of that feeling was shared.
“In theory, I’m fine with discussing things with your team Sam, but in practice, I’m not coming in until I’ve got some sort of assurance from JAG that I won’t be prosecuted for speaking.”
Sam seemed to be taken aback. “Why?”
“Because I’ve spent the last thirteen years and change being threatened with a dishonourable discharge at best, and a court martial at worst.” Evan said.
Sam paused for a moment before he whistled.
“So I’m not going to discuss the Clusterfuck with anyone until I’ve got some bulletproof paperwork saying I can.”
“Why did that sound like clusterfuck included an uppercase?” Tommy mused.
Evan snorted. “Because it absolutely did.”
“Alright then. We’ll wait before discussing the Clusterfuck.” Sam cut in. “What can you tell us?”
“After that thing that shall not be discussed happened, the entire team was disbanded and scattered around. Most of my teammates hadn’t been involved and of those that were, I was the one who knew pretty much everything. I was also the youngest and newest, had no close family and while I had plenty of friendships, the most solid ones were other SEALs. I was vulnerable in a way the others weren’t.” There’s a pause and Tommy pressed his lips to the crown of Evan’s head in a silent reminder that he wasn’t alone. “I was told to keep my mouth shut or I’d be discharged or court-martialed, depending on how much I’d blabbed. Whoever was running the show decided it wouldn’t do to lose all that training by getting rid of me, so I was sent to the Navy rescue program with a not so gentle reminder to avoid mentioning anything about being a SEAL.”
Sam snorted. “Wait. They sent a SEAL, one who was just out of a combat diving assignment to be a rescue diver and expected you to hide your training?”
“Sam, they dumped me into the next incoming class of trainees. They put an elite combat diver asset with rookies and thought I could hide where I was coming from.” Evan pointed out.
“Well that’s stupid.” Tommy muttered.
“I stood out like a hooker in a nunnery.” Evan countered dryly. “I only lasted a few months before they had to pull me out. They tried to blame me for it until someone must have realized there was no way to hide the sort of training and experience I had. That’s when they sent me to the reserves. I think they wanted to have easy access to me if they needed it.”
“The Navy doesn’t like to give up someone they trained like they do SEALs before they have to. You didn’t even make it through half of your contract.” Sam pointed out.
“What happened after?” Tommy asked.
“I went back to roaming. I was pissed off and heartbroken. I’d had a found family, and maybe it wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I travelled around, did temporary or seasonal work. Eventually decided to become a firefighter. I got into contact with my Navy liaison, and they agreed to brief one person in any future department I might end up in. That person would have access to my full training file and enough information to be able to make informed suggestions and decisions. I chose Los Angeles because I’d missed California and had a long talk with my LAFD contact. There was a gap between me moving here and starting the academy so we made a list of certifications I could do beforehand, hoping it would help hide the stuff I had from the Navy. In sheer numbers, I started the academy with more certs than most firefighters get in their careers.” He shrugged, and Tommy swallowed back the dozens of questions he wanted to ask. That little recap felt like it left more out of the story than it told, and he wanted to know everything about this man.
Hopefully, he’d get his chance to ask.
“And that was the status quo until today. What changed?” Sam prodded.
Evan hesitated before speaking. “For reasons I’m not willing to discuss at this point in time, I went to my LAFD liaison and asked if there was a chance of transferring. I wasn’t sure it would be possible, and I wanted to check before I put the paperwork in.” Another hesitation followed. “Once she stopped dancing with joy, we sat down with a list of stations and captains who had expressed interest in getting me to join their shift. My contact was pushing for one offer in particular.”
“What is it?” The question was clearly borne of personal curiosity instead of professional need-to-know.
“Lieutenant with Harbor. Mostly SAR and air ops. It’s actually on Tommy’s shift which is why we were having a discussion.”
“You’d be a great lieutenant, kid.” The words were soft, like Sam knew the offer had scraped open a barely closed wound.
“Thanks. The issue is that I’ve known the captain in question for years. We served together about fifteen years ago. One of my very first active duty missions was her last one before getting discharged from the Marines. We’ve kept in touch loosely and I don’t think we could fake that sort of connection.” Tommy might not be able to see the smirk that followed, but he could sure hear it. “She apparently loves talking about how we met.”
Tommy gasped.
“Sounds like your boy just made an interesting connection there.” Sam said wryly. “I want that story, but I’d like to wrap up the questioning first.”
“Go ahead.” Evan answered, ignoring the way Tommy jostled him in his quest to get more info.
“So I take it your contact decided to push to get your file at least partially declassified so she could transfer you into that job?”
“More or less.”
“Kid.” Sam’s voice was stern.
“I don’t know if it’s relevant to the situation.” Evan protested.
“Let us be the judges of that.”
“Between the gag order and the cover story, you could say the whole thing has had a not so insignificant impact in every sphere of my life.”
“Details.” Sam all but growled.
“Fine.” Evan was clearly exasperated. “Let’s talk about the official backstory. They kept everything as is, they just took out anything related to the Navy. So those three years and change of intense training were replaced by more roaming around the country. To the outsider, that means I spent ages nineteen to twenty-six couch surfing and moving from job to job.” He took a breath. “The people I work with still think I’m reckless and impulsive. There’s also some rather intense slut shaming in the mix, but that’s another story.”
“Reckless and impulsive?” Sam’s voice was full of disbelief. “That’s stupid. You wouldn’t have made it through training if you were. They stamp that shit out of us during BUD/S.”
Tommy winced. He’d heard the comments about Evan’s recklessness and impulsivity long before he’d met the man himself, but Sam was right, those were things that no special forces operator he’d ever served with had.
“We’re trained to read situations much faster than most people. We know our physical limits and how far we can push them intimately because we’ve learned how to.” Sam added.
“It was sort of brainwashed into us.” Evan cut in. “We thought my abundance of certifications would help hide the training while still giving me some respect. That backfired. Because a lot of what I can do is specialized and out of the norm for most firefighters, it looks like I took whatever interested me instead of having a plan.”
“Why were you not assigned to a SAR bureau?” Sam questioned and Tommy mentally agreed with the question. In light of what he was hearing, Evan’s placement with a light brigade didn’t make sense, especially given how many diving certifications the man must have on file.
“I was supposed to. At least, that was the plan my contact and I made when I got into the academy and a lot of the courses we picked were geared towards that career path. A few days before I was supposed to start with the SAR bureau, I was reassigned to the 118. One of their heavy rescue asset had just transferred out and they would be severely limited in the kind of calls they could respond to if they couldn’t get someone in fast. Since they didn’t have a probie at the time, I could fill in the hole. I walked into the station having never even met the captain.”
Tommy twitched. “I’m the asset who’d transferred out, right?” He asked.
Evan nodded against him. “You were, though I didn’t know that at the time.” Tommy got jabbed in the side with an elbow. “Don’t feel guilty. I could have refused.”
“Why didn’t you?” Sam questioned.
“In my mind, it was going to be temporary. A probationary year is so a firefighter can learn on the job the things we see in the academy. I didn’t need much polishing when it came to the SAR part of the job, but I had no experience when it came to fire management. I hadn’t planned on getting attached and wanting to stay.”
“But you don’t anymore.” Sam prodded.
Evan hesitated. “There’s a lot of reason, but there’s a level of disrespect that’s getting harder to live with.”
“You think it has to do with your background?”
Evan sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, and Tommy pressed his lips to his shoulder, hoping to help settle him. “I think Eddie Diaz walked into the station a bit over a year after me and was introduced as a former Army medic who’d earned a silver star. There was never any hazing. Meanwhile, I’ve been there nine years and I still get treated like a probie from time to time.”
Tommy winced.
“Don’t get me wrong, Eddie’s a great firefighter, but he’s the guy who once cut his own line mid-rescue, so why is he considered to be my impulse control?”
“Really? Still? That’s fucked up kid.” Sam said.
“Yeah well, Eddie also told me at the beginning that we did the same job, he’d just done it under fire. You’ve got no idea how badly I wanted to tell him that I’d not only done it while under fire, I’d also been returning fire at the same time.” Evan’s answer was dry and with no little amount of bitterness underlaying the whole thing.
Tommy couldn’t blame him either. In his place, he wasn’t sure he’d have been able to keep his mouth shut.
“You said it touched every sphere of your life.”
“Fuck Sam, I’ve been hiding this for thirteen years. Almost every scrap of anything remotely connected to the Navy is in outside storage, including weapons and my dogtags. It means I was dating a man who does Muay Thai but had to decline sparring. In fact, I rarely get to do any sparring in case I get caught, because hiding my training is impossible. I’m still active reserves since they won’t let me go, but going to the gun range is a mission in itself. Finding a therapist that’s actually cleared to hear everything was a whole battle. I can’t use the V.A., and I need to fudge the story about why I got some of my tattoos. At least, there’s enough bad shit that’s happened to me on the job that it hides the Navy related PTSD because it’s not like I can explain a flashback or a nightmare with the truth.” He seemed to slump into Tommy’s hold. “I’m tired Sam. I’ve been lying to everyone in my life for so long, that some days I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m an elite combat asset but I keep getting compared to a golden retriever.”
“More like a highly trained attack dog.” Sam said wryly.
“I hate being compared to any sort of dog. It’s demeaning. There’s always a level of slut shaming involved and it pisses me off.” Evan groused.
Tactfully, Sam skirted the comment, but Tommy fully intended to eventually circle back to it, because he’d heard the analogy several times and he’d never realized how much it bothered his lover.
“You know I’m always willing to spar with you.”
“You’re one of the few who knows enough of the truth that I could do it comfortably. You, G, sometimes Kensi. Deeks might eventually make the cut, but he hasn’t been around you long enough that I’d be comfortable doing it yet. There’s a handful of other guys in the city who can be trusted to keep their mouth shut and who have the training to go toe to toe with a SEAL, but every one of you has the same sort of fucked up schedule I do. I’m lucky if I can get a decent spar once or twice a month. I need to get out of town to get some range time, because Los Angeles is a small city when you know Athena Grant. There’s a guy in SWAT who’s snuck me onto their facilities a few times, but it’s not exactly easy.”
“And you’re still considered in the reserves so you can’t afford to let any of those skills go.” Tommy murmured.
“Unlikely to get called up considering how hard they’ve been working to keep me out of sight and banned from the regular drills, but yeah.”
“I’d have gone crazy years ago, and I do undercover work for a living.” Sam said, clearly exasperated.
There’s another hesitation, and Tommy had the feeling he was the cause of it. “I’m still the guy with too much heart, ADHD and who has never had a problem separating love and sex. I still tend to prefer kids to most adults because they’re more honest and still know how to have fun. I still had a crappy childhood and a strange relationship with my names. All of them, not just the ones that appear on my birth certificate. People still never stay with me and I did spend a number of years living in my jeep and going from job to job. Family is still a fucked up concept. There’s just a layer to all of it that I’ve had to keep quiet for a large part of my adult life.”
“Don’t sugar coat it kid, it sucks. We’re going to fix this shit. I’ve got a couple more questions before I bug one of you to tell me the story of you meeting your future captain.”
“Go ahead.”
“Who’s your LAFD contact?”
“It stays between the three of us for a while? I know she’s the reason shit got stirred up, but she’s become my friend and she’s done great on my behalf for years.”
“Sure.” Came the easy acceptance.
“Bataillon Chief Miranda Williams.”
“Have you, at any point since the Clusterfuck, requested permission to divulge to anyone? If yes, can you give me names and the reason it was denied?” Sam asked.
Evan stiffened. “Fuck you Sam.”
“Usually, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what I’ve done to earn a fuck you, but I’m currently blanking on why.”
Evan gritted his teeth. “Maddie Kendall née Buckley. Denied because we’d been estranged for most of my life, plus she’d just asked for a divorce from her abusive piece of shit husband, and they couldn’t risk something like that coming up. Robert Nash. Apparently, the file he already had access to was enough. Athena Grant. Reasons mostly unsaid which leads me to believe even the Navy’s scared of her. May Grant. Not any clearer than the reasons for her mom, so that’s probably because of her genetics. Sam Hanna. Should be self explanatory but I really wanted someone in the know and I wasn’t thinking about NCIS, it was about having a SEAL to talk to.” Evan took a deep breath. “Thomas Kinard. Apparently, a mere boyfriend didn’t make the cut. It’s actually the closest I got to permission, or at least, they dangled it in my face.”
Tommy stiffened.
“Meaning what exactly?” Sam asked.
“They could admit that someone who shared my bed on a daily basis and thus had a chance of having to deal with the nightmares might be a good person to tell, but they wouldn’t authorize unless or until we either cohabited or made things official. Neither happened. In retrospect, I don’t think they would have agreed. I probably would have gotten the run around for as long as they could manage it.”
“Baby.” Tommy breathed out, gutted as much by the way Evan was holding himself as by the implications of that statement.
Evan shook his head, and tried to move away, but Tommy reeled him back.
Sam ignored the byplay. “Out of curiosity, you’ve had a live-in partner before and you didn’t request permission to talk to her, nor did you try with Eddie Diaz, who’s generally considered your best friend.” That last phrasing was suspicious if only because Evan didn’t seem to react to it.
“You want to know why?”
“If possible. I’m curious, but it could also illustrate a pattern in who you want to tell. You never know what’s going to be useful.”
“Taylor was a journalist right down to her bones. She wouldn’t have been able to not go digging into the Clusterfuck. That personality trait was the last nail on the relationship so I feel pretty good about that judgement. Eddie’s different. By the time we were close enough that I might have considered it, I realized two things. One, for a veteran, he tends to be weirdly judgmental of other people’s service. I don’t think he’s aware of it, but personally, I blame his wife and mother for the gaslighting job they did on him.”
Sam hummed. “And the other thing?”
There was something infinitely fragile about the way Evan was holding himself. “There are very few people in my life who are as talented at finding my weak spots and pressing them whenever he needs an emotional punching bag. It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.”
That sort of stopped Tommy in his tracks, almost as much as what came next.
“If you had to give me, let's say ten names. People who should be told as much as possible until everything’s been cleared up?”
“Firefighter-pilot Thomas Kinard, Sergeant Athena Grant, May Grant, Michael Grant, Dr. David Grant. SSAs Sam Hanna and G. Callen. Captain Michaela Vasquez.” There was a short pause. “Captain Robert Nash and Harry Grant.”
“Well. That’s a really interesting list, kid. Can you talk me through it?”
“You and G should be self explanatory. Micky Vasquez is part of the reason behind requesting some partial declassification. Athena would be an immense relief because lying to her is really uncomfortable. Bobby comes with Athena. Michael and David have been rocks these last few months, and May’s been working to get them to adult-adopt me.”
Sam spluttered and Tommy could hear the grin in Evan’s voice. There was bone deep relief at his own presence on the list.
“It’s a whole thing. It might even work, because May’s definitely her mother’s daughter. She’s also been my best friend for the last couple of years and she’s figured out at least part of it.”
“How? From what I can see, you’ve been really careful.”
Evan’s voice went wry. “She helped me pack for the move, and sort of stumbled on the only couple of items I own that don’t live in my storage container. She wouldn’t say anything, but I got a lot of very pointed looks. Yeah, she knows.”
What?
“Tommy’s apparently on a bit of a mission to make me drop the ex in ex-boyfriend so we’ll see how that goes. As for Harry, if his whole family knows, my future little brother might as well. He knows how to keep his mouth shut.”
“You trust your sort of adopted siblings, but not the actual blood relation. Why?”
“Maddie and Chim have a weird sort of thing where they tell each other everything, including other people’s secrets. Chim can’t keep his mouth shut for love or money, unless he’s the one benefiting from it. For the record, Hen Wilson has a weird codependent relationship with Chim where she enables the fuck out of him. I’d trust her wife with the info, but not Hen. My reasons for not telling Eddie still stand, doubly so since he’s not even in town anymore.”
“And you trust your future fathers?” Sam said, more than a little amused.
“Michael was married to Athena for years. If he hadn’t been trust-worthy before, I guarantee that she made sure that changed. David’s a doctor. He understands confidentiality.”
The buzzing that had started under his skin almost as soon as Evan had started explaining things (no, it’d started almost as soon as he’d walked out of the loft) was intensifying. Regret felt thick in his bones, weighing him down, almost an almost tangible being in itself.
All the things he’d spent months telling himself, to justify walking away from this man, were not eroding slowly as much as they were being obliterated in one fell swoop.
He laughed, the sound broken by the weight of feelings that were choking him.
Evan moved away from him, and Tommy stopped himself from reaching out again. He’d lost all rights to do it.
Big hands cupping his head, one buried into his hair and the other tilting his jaw brought him back.
“Hey.”
Tommy blinked, finding clear blue eyes staring at him from closer than he’d been expecting. “Sorry.” His voice was raspy. “I’m so sorry, Evan. I really fucked things up, didn’t I?” He asked, before glancing towards the cellphone.
Evan obviously caught the look because he shook his head. “You were out of it, Sam had all the preliminary info he was going to get out of me. He’ll contact me as soon as he gets me the paperwork I asked for.” He combed his fingers through Tommy’s hair, and Tommy had to fight against the desire to push into that hand. “As for fucking up, I guess that depends on what you mean and on if you want to fix things.”
“I regretted walking out before I even made it to the elevator. I’ve been beating myself up for it every day since then.” He answered, voice rough, but almost desperate to explain himself, to fix what he’d broken. To get back the best thing he’d ever known, the one man who’d made him feel whole.
Evan’s voice was cautiously guarded. “Why did you then? And spare me the bullshit about not being my last.”
Tommy hesitated. “It’s not the entire reason, but it did have a part to play.”
Evan frowned and Tommy hurried to continue. “I’ve been with people who only wanted a walk on the wild side, I’ve heard the speech about someone needing to figure themselves out a few times, and honestly, I know I’ve used it myself at least once. There might have been a smidgen of biphobia in it, but it wasn’t conscious.” He swore.
That guarded tone went flat. “I’ve got a few educated guesses on aggravating factors for that bullshit.” Evan said, “And as much as I hate it, the thing that’s bugged me the most is how you could have just talked to me. You shut me out, and started treating me like a was only your -” Evan stopped himself, swallowing hard.
Tommy closed his eyes for a second, and braced himself. “I spent the first half of our relationship ignoring the little side comments, but eventually, it started to sort of seep into my brain.” He hesitated, because nothing of what he was about to say was kind.
“Let me guess.” Evan cut in. “You’ve probably been hearing complaints about how much of a slut I was since the first day I joined the 118. It’s not like Chim and Hen haven’t been saying that shit to my face all along.” He said pointedly. “There’s a long laundry list of reasons why that whole narrative pisses me off, but it’s not a surprise. I should have realized that the complaining didn’t start with us meeting. By that point, it had probably been ongoing for years. But we’ve had a long, extremely honest discussion about my sexual history. Granted, we never really talked about the actual relationship, just the casual stuff. I figure Abby would have cropped up a long time ago if we’d bothered with that talk.”
Tommy flinched. “I thought that if I let you discuss your exes, I’d have to talk about my own. Abby wasn’t a high point in my life, but there are other relationships I’m not eager to talk about.”
“Believe me, that’s something I got a long time ago. You shut down that discussion every time we got anywhere close to that topic.” The comment was wry, but entirely fair.
“I thought the best way to protect myself was to avoid letting you in too deep.”
“How’d that worked out for you then?”
“Broke my own heart. Smashed it into tiny little pieces and scattered those pieces all around. It feels like I’m still stumbling into shards every time there’s something that reminds me of you.” He answered.
“What was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back?” It was so painfully neutral that Tommy had to blink away some tears.
“It wasn’t a single thing. The Abby connection rattled me and combined with the idea of moving in with anyone, right after being reminded of that experience, something sort of snapped. Feeling like a failure while you seemed to be putting me on a pedestal.” He took a deep breath, bracing himself. “Do you know how many times I heard a comment that came down to ‘should have known he liked men, the way he latched onto Eddie.’ and ‘surprised it wasn’t Eddie behind that little bisexual epiphany, oh well, there’s still time for it.’”
Evan stared.
Tommy felt his shoulders climb up around his ears in answer to that stare.
“You were jealous of Eddie.” It felt a little like Evan was rebooting after a computer crash. The man finally blinked. “You dumped me because you thought Eddie would be my last.” Evan made a face not unlike one he’d make after seeing or hearing something deeply disturbing.
“I can’t say I’ve never gotten comments about us dating, including ex partners, but I thought you also being his friend would mean you’d know better. You’ve never made a single comment about that friendship.” He added.
Tommy paused before answering, determined not to screw things up any worse than he already had. “I spent six months hearing all these little comments and for the most part, I didn’t take them seriously. Sure, there was a little frustration from time to time when you’d drop something because he called you, but given how things were with Chris, I didn’t have much problem rationalising everything.”
“What changed then? Because to answer your question, you did fuck that up spectacularly.”
He winced. “I think it was insidious. There’s only so many times you can hear the same sort of comments from a lot of different people before some of it starts to stick in your brain.”
Evan breathed out. “Let me guess. Chimney, Hen, and Maddie.”
“Huh-”
“They’ve said that shit to my face. To Eddie’s face too. Hell, there’s been a 118 wide bet on the topic since Eddie joined. The comments, or for that matter, the people who made them don’t surprise me. They’ve caused issues in at least one past relationship. The surprise is your reaction to it.” This time, Evan was the one hesitating. “I thought you knew me better than that.”
“I should have asked. You rarely avoided answering my questions, and looking back you only skirted away from the topics I was avoiding like the plague. You were only following my lead. Can I ask now? Some of the things you mentioned to Sam caught me by surprise.” Tommy admitted.
Evan considered him. “I do love Eddie, but the thing is, I know him entirely too well to ever be able to fall in love with him.”
“What?”
“Here’s the ugly truth about Edmundo Diaz. 60 % of the time, he’s a great friend. Loyal, present, attentive. Of the 40% remaining, let’s say 25 % of it is less glowing. He’s absentminded, and tends to forget other people exist. He can’t seem to be able to have more than two relationships in his life at a time, one of which is always Chris, which leads to me being a glorified babysitter whenever he has a girlfriend or any new friend at all. You were not the first time he ignored me. He’s done the same thing several times since we’ve met. There’s also a tendency to be thoughtlessly mean.” Evan swallowed and Tommy almost didn’t want to know more.
“And the remaining 15%? He’s what, a shitty friend?” He still asked, because they both needed to get to the bottom of this question.
“More like a soul-destroyingly bad friend.”
“What?”
“Most major negative emotions tend to turn into anger. Grief, sadness, pain, confusion, I don’t think he knows how to handle any of it. So he gets angry, and most of the time, that anger gets directed at me, because he takes for granted that I’m not going anywhere.”
Tommy clenches his jaw. “And by anger, you mean-”
“It’s never come to physical blows, not with him at least, but it’s come close once or twice. Mostly, it’s words. He’ll use every last one of my soft spots, the ones he knows because he’s my best friend, and he’ll turn them on me. Me being exhausting and making everything about myself are probably the two I hear the most often. I can learn to recognize and deal with his shit as a friend, but it would destroy me as a lover. I’d never be able to trust him enough to fall in love.” Evan made a face. “And I don’t think the Navy thing will go down great.”
“He doesn’t seem to have a problem with me having served.” Tommy remarked, mulling over what he’d just heard.
“He probably rarely, if ever, mentions it, right? Shannon and Helena did a spectacular gaslighting job on the man. Both were extremely dismissive of his service, seeing it as him abandoning his wife and child, despite the reality of his combat pay and insurance giving Chris quality of life and medical care. For the record, I’m pretty sure they’re also to blame for him being unable to have more than two relationships at a time. They’ve both accused him of being an absent husband and father. Shannon leaving and then dying in the circumstances she did, well, I think it sort of cemented the criticism as the gospel truth in his head. Helena’s a straight up nightmare all the way across the board. But back to veterans, it’s so much in what he says, as in what he doesn’t say. He’s dismissive of it, it’s nothing overt, but I’ve had enough discussions on the subject that I’m pretty sure I’m right. The fact that I’ve been lying about something major since we met will just make things worse. He’s already got a short fuse lately, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some ugly language coming my way once it’s public knowledge.”
“How do you think the others will react?” Tommy asked, genuinely curious, because this entire thing was bringing up facts and undercurrents he hadn’t been aware of.
“Bobby, well, he’ll be disappointed, but I think Athena will bring him around. She’ll see the whole picture in a way I don’t think Bobby will. Hen will be disbelieving, because she’s the one most attached to the golden retriever narrative. She sees me as a gentle giant with plenty of heart, but no impulse control. I hope Karen will be able to moderate that reaction. As for Maddie and Chim, well.” Grief flashed across blue eyes. “Maddie still sees me as a child a lot of the time. I don’t think I’ve ever completely grown up from the age I was when she left home. I know she loves me, but I don’t know if she’s ever seen me as who I truly am. I don’t think she actually likes me all that much. As for Chim, that should be interesting.”
Tommy frowned, because there was a tone underlying the words that he couldn’t quite grasp. “Why?”
“He doesn’t like me.” It was said matter-of-factly, without any artifice.
“He’s your brother-in-law.” Tommy remarked.
“That means he married my sister, that’s it. He’s not required to like me. He’s learned to tolerate me, I’ll give you that.”
“Meaning?”
Evan seemed to be weighing his words carefully.
“Hey.” Tommy tried to reassure him. “I know he’s my friend, and that we have a complicated history, but you’re sort of my guy. That’s the sort of info I want to have.”
Blue eyes darkened a little. “Your guy? Am I?”
Tommy flushed. “I hope so.”
Evan hummed before clearing his throat. “Chim used to straight up hate me. It took me months to realize I wasn’t getting hazed, that he just couldn’t stand me. The slut shaming was out of control by the end of my first shift and the comments on me being all brawn and no brains never really stopped. He only got marginally less shitty once he met Maddie.”
“That’s-” Tommy winced. “Ugly. It’s just disgusting.”
“That he got a little less of an asshole to me so he could get a woman who was, at the time, married and fleeing from her abusive piece of shit husband?” Evan made a face at him. “I’ve had grounds to make a complaint on harassment charges since the beginning. He once punched me in the face hard enough to fracture my orbital bone, he’s been using my niece and how often I can see her as a weapon to manipulate me since Jee was born. He’s blabbed my secrets to complete strangers, things I didn’t even know myself.” Evan shook his head. “And that doesn’t even include how often he tries to tell me how to do my job when he’s not certified, or even qualified to talk about my work. He’s a paramedic. He shouldn’t try to backseat drive a heavy rescue. I’ve got more certifications than he does, and that’s without including the things I got from the Navy.”
Tommy felt himself go still. “Howie punched you?” He asked, anger slowly coiling in his gut.
“I don’t know how aware you are of what happened after Jee was born?” Evan asked.
“Let’s take for granted I know nothing. I’m not sure I got the full picture. In fact, I’m sure I don’t have it.”
Evan sighed. “A few months after giving birth, Maddie developed a severe case of PPD. She was isolating herself, and Chimney was letting her so I wasn’t aware of how bad shit was until she dropped Jee off at the station with a video for Chim and left town. She called me on the way out because of a promise she’d made me. Chim lost his mind. He thought I knew where she was so he sucker punched me. He then started to drive aimlessly around the country with a baby in a carseat for months trying to find Maddie. Never mind that she’d been stalked and kidnapped by her ex-husband, or that Jee was too young to spend that much time in the car. They all encouraged him to do it too.” He shook his head. “I know why. Bobby’s thinking with his grief at losing Marcy and the kids, Hen turned enabling Chim into an art form, and Eddie had Shannon on the brain.”
“It’s fucked up.” And very far from the version he’d gotten from Chim and Hen. “Did he at least apologize?”
Evan snorted in answer.
“How did you manage not to punch him back?” Tommy asked.
“Control?” Another quick shake of the head. “I’ve spent the last thirteen years of my life being very careful of avoiding any sort of violence. I know what I can do and how I was trained. I could do a fuck ton of damage if I ever let myself react without thinking about it.”
Tommy swallowed at the idea. He’d served with special forces operators while still on active duty and was well aware of the sort of destruction they could unleash if properly motivated, and SEALs were known for being a breed apart.
The thought of Evan, with his quiet intensity and imposing physical presence being able of that violence was leaving him a little breathless.
He squirmed at the images running through his mind.
“You like the idea, don’t you?” Evan teased, cutting through his musings. It was a little dark, with just a hint of heat mixed in and it sent a shiver down his spine.
“Any way I can get you on the mats or in the ring for some sparring?” He asked, voice husky with possibilities.
“As tempted as I am, it’s not a good idea. Not until we’ve settled things at least. I don’t see a scenario where sparring doesn’t end up as the clothingless kind.”