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Their apartment in Ottawa was always clean, thanks to Shane’s neatness and the housekeeper who came over to do deep cleaning once a month. That hadn’t stopped Shane from cleaning with the intensity of a crime scene cleaner after a particularly gruesome murder. All of this was simply because Hayden was coming over to stay for a weekend. David was having minor surgery tomorrow, and Shane and Ilya were driving to his parents’ house tonight to stay with them for the weekend. Both David and Yuna insisted they didn’t need to, but that didn’t stop either of their sons.
Usually, Shane and Ilya would just take Anya, their Australian Shepherd, with them, but the addition of Pork had changed things somewhat. Bringing two animals to someone else’s house was a bit much. Pork had just joined their family a few months ago. Shane had first seen the hairless, overweight cat at a Centaurs’ fundraiser at a local animal shelter. He claimed he and the cat had a connection, and Ilya, never being able to say no to Shane, agreed to adopt him. He almost immediately regretted that decision when the cat hissed at him from Shane’s lap as Ilya tried to kiss his husband goodnight.
Said cat was slinking around the apartment, while Ilya sat on the couch with Anya, her head in his lap. Even though he didn’t agree their already spotless house needed cleaning, he had offered to help Shane but was quickly brushed off like he often was when he offered to clean. It didn’t take long after moving in together that Shane and Ilya settled into specific roles. Shane cleaned. If Ilya even tried, Shane would claim it wasn’t good enough and just do it again. Ilya cooked. He never really was much of a cook before Shane, but, after Yuna gifted him a cookbook for his birthday a few years ago, he fell in love with it. Something about seeing Shane eat whatever he made instead of some bland food he got at a health store endeared him.
Ilya felt the couch slightly move and immediately knew Pork had jumped from the kitchen table to the back of the couch like he always did. The first time he had done it, Ilya had jumped, not dissimilar to when he first heard a loon. He was proven correct when he felt Pork swat at the back of his head with his sharp claws out. “Ай!” Ilya exclaimed, his hand flying to the back of his head. “Shane, your cat hit me! With his talons out!”
“Baby, I don’t have time to play referee,” Ilya heard Shane yell from their bedroom. Ilya turned around and glared at Pork, who was now heading towards Anya. Anya was sleeping peacefully like the sweetheart she was. Pork’s tail was swinging back and forth as he stared at Anya, seemingly about to pounce on her.
“Oh, no,” Ilya said. He swatted at the cat. “Pork, leave her alone.” Pork just looked back at Ilya and hissed. Ilya hissed in return, not even caring how ridiculous he looked. “See! I can make noises with my mouth too!” Of course, Shane chose that time to walk into the room.
“Did you just hiss at him?” he said after gasping. Shane then picked up Pork, who acted like he was completely innocent. Shane leaned down and kissed the top of Pork’s pink head that felt like a peach. “I’m sorry Papa was being mean to you, buddy.” Ilya huffed.
“I am not his papa,” he said. “I am Anya’s papa. She’s an only child.” Shane frowned, and Ilya had to. Stop himself from cooing about how adorable he looked when he was upset.
“Be nice, Ilya,” Shane said.
“Why? He’s not nice to me!” Ilya said. He knew he sounded like a child, but that was neither here nor there. The fact of the matter was Pork was evil.
“He’s one,” Shane deadpanned.
“Anya had manners at one,” Ilya said. Pork really had no excuse. And what kind of name was Pork anyway? He was named that when they got him, and Shane insisted that changing his name was just too cruel. So now, Ilya had to call the hairless rotisserie chicken Pork with a serious expression or else Shane got huffy. “How would you like it if people made fun of your name?” he had asked Ilya at the time. Ilya had then told Shane people did when he first came to America, but, according to Shane, that was no excuse to bully Pork. “At least he’ll be mean to Hayden instead of me this weekend.”
“He may like Hayden,” Shane pointed out. Ilya scoffed.
“Ha!” he said. “He doesn’t like anyone but you and maybe Anya if it’s a Tuesday.” Shane raised one of his eyebrows.
“Tuesday?” he asked. Ilya nodded.
“Yes,” he said. “It’s the day Anya gets groomed, and she comes home smelling like vanilla. Have you not noticed?”
“No, I haven’t,” Shane said, shaking his head. He looked down at Pork. “Pork, I didn’t even know you liked vanilla. Do you want a vanilla Glade plug-in for Christmas, then?” Ilya wanted to scream.
“What about Anya?” he demanded, gesturing towards the still sleeping dog. “You haven’t asked her what she wants for Christmas!”
“Yes, I did,” Shane said. “We talked last night awhile you were asleep.” Before Ilya could point out that definitely didn’t happen since Anya slept under the Christmas tree last night, the buzzer to the outside door went off. Pork jumped out of Shane’s arms and ran under the couch.
“Scaredy cat,” Ilya muttered. Shane glared at him before walking over to the buzzer and letting what was probably Hayden into the building.
Pork was still hiding when Shane opened their front door for Hayden. Anya, like the kind and gracious hostess she was, ran into the foyer to greet their guest. She sniffed and pawed at Hayden as he reached down to pet her. “See, she has manners unlike someone,” Ilya said. Shane sighed.
“Ilya,” he said.
“Is he talking about me?” Hayden asked. “Usually, you only sigh when he’s making fun of me.”
“Surprisingly, no,” Shane said. “You’ve been demoted. Pork is now Ilya’s worst enemy.”
“You know, that should make me feel good, but I feel kind of jealous,” Hayden said jokingly.
“Don’t joke,” Ilya said. “That cat is evil. Even Anya is afraid of him!”
“She is not,” Shane said, laughing. He petted Anya, who wagged her tail excitedly. “You like your little brother, don’t you, Anya?”
“Not her brother,” Ilya said under his breath. Shane ignored him and turned his attention back to Hayden.
“Thanks again for watching them, Hayden,” he said.
“It’s no problemo,” Hayden said, clapping Shane on the back. Problemo? Ilya wanted to gag. “Besides, you guys babysit the kids all the time, so it’s the least I can do.”
“Still, thanks,” Shane said. “I emailed you Anya and Pork’s routines, like how much food they get, when Anya needs to get walked, etc.”
“Do not forget Anya’s doggy coat and booties,” Ilya said firmly. “It’s too cold for her.” Really, that was one of main things in Shane’s email he cared about. He didn’t care about Pork’s expensive low-fat diet food or what temperature he liked his water.
“Dude, I won’t,” Hayden said. “I never forget my kids’ coats, do I?”
“Yes, you do,” Ilya said. “Jackie told me.” Hayden sighed.
“I hate that you guys are friends,” he said. Ilya just grinned.
“Oh, and don’t forget to send us lots of pictures of them,” Shane said.
“If you can get Pork to sit still for a picture, I’ll kiss you,” Ilya said. Hayden grimaced.
“That’s okay, man,” he said. “What about you can’t insult me for a year?”
“No,” Ilya said, shaking his head. “I rather kiss you, and I definitely don’t want to do that.”
“Shane, tell your husband to stop being mean to me,” Hayden said.
“Maybe you and Pork can bond over how mean Ilya is to you both.”
The drive to Shane’s parents’ house wasn’t long, but Ilya still managed to squeeze in a nap. His naps nowadays were frequently interrupted by Pork swatting at him for having the nerve to take up space on the couch he bought.
Since Hayden didn’t get in until late, Shane and Ilya didn’t get to his parents’ until around ten that night. Yuna had saved them dinner and even reheated it for them as they put their suitcases up in Shane’s childhood bedroom. It wasn’t long after eating that they went to sleep since David’s surgery was early the next morning.
Shane was already awake when the alarm on his phone woke Ilya up the following day. He groaned and tried to turn the alarm off with his eyes still closed. Shane, who was in the process of getting dressed, did it for him. “Good morning,” he said. “Hayden texted us a picture.” That got Ilya’s attention. He eagerly sat up and grabbed his phone. He couldn’t wait to see Anya. He hadn’t even been away from her for twelve hours, and he still missed her sweet baby angel face so much. When he unlocked his phone and went into his, Shane, and Hayden’s very active group chat, his eyes widened at what he saw. It was a picture of Pork, sitting on the coffee table, practically posing for the camera.
wheres my kiss rozanov?? 😘
“What?” Ilya exclaimed. “This has to be a fluke! Like Pike’s career!” Shane rolled his eyes.
“Or maybe Pork isn’t as bad as you think he is,” he said. Ilya frantically shook his head.
“Impossible,” he said.
Ilya’s belief that Pork and Hayden’s truce was just a one-time thing was proved incorrect when, a few hours later, Hayden sent another picture. This time it was a selfie with him holding Pork in his arms. Ilya made a loud, disgruntled noise that startled everyone in the hospital’s quiet waiting room. “What’s wrong?” Shane asked. Ilya shoved his phone with the picture on the screen in Shane’s face. Shane immediately started to laugh, which Ilya had to admit was better than the anxious look that had been on his face since the nurses wheeled David away, but this was serious. “I guess Pork made a friend!” Yuna, who was reading on her Kindle, looked over at them.
“Pork likes Hayden?” she asked. “I’m surprised.”
“See!” Ilya said to Shane. Shane looked at Yuna, obviously offended.
“What?” she said. “You have to admit he’s a little mean, honey.”
“Mom!” Shane said. “That’s your first grandson.”
“No, she only has a granddaughter, and that’s Anya,” Ilya said.
“Actually, I’m not really a dog person either, sweetie,” Yuna said.
“See, Shane? She loves Anya with all her heart.”
David’s procedure went well, and Shane and Ilya were able to go back home a few days later. Ilya, usually loving the time he spent with Yuna and David, practically ran out the door when it was time for them to leave. He needed to see Anya who he insisted must be suffering under Hayden’s preferential treatment of Pork.
When Ilya opened their front door, Anya came running into the foyer. “Anya!” Ilya yelled like it had been years since he’d last seen her. Anya seemed to feel the same way as she jumped up on him. Ilya hugged her, and she began licking his face. “Hello, моя милая!” Hayden walked into the foyer, holding Pork in his arms.
“Aw!” Shane said as he walked over to the two of them. “He usually only lets me hold him like that.”
“We’re best friends now, right, Pork?” Hayden said as he smiled down at the cat. Ilya rolled his eyes. “You know, the twins have been asking for a cat-“
“You can take that one,” Ilya interjected as he continued to give Anya love.
“Ilya!” Shane exclaimed.
“I told Jackie we could go to the shelter with the kids when I get back,” Hayden said.
“You should,” Shane said. “The girls and Arthur would be great with a pet.” Hayden nodded in agreement. He then sighed.
“Well, I'd better be heading out,” he said. He pet Pork. “I’m going to miss you, buddy.” He set Pork down on the floor. Anya seemingly sensed Hayden was about to leave and left Ilya’s arms to go over to him. “Bye, Anya!” Hayden bent down to hug her, and Ilya tried not to feel betrayed by how sad she appeared to see him go. He didn’t even notice Pork had come over to him until he felt him headbutt his leg.
“Shane, why is your cat hitting me?” Ilya practically whined.
“That means he likes you, dude,” Hayden said, laughing. Ilya looked at Shane. Surely, that wasn’t right.
“It’s true,” Shane said, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s called bunting. I think kittens do it with their moms. It means he thinks of you as his family.” Ilya looked down at the cat headbutting him and frowned. He wondered if Pork missed his mama just like Ilya did. Ilya bent down and slowly picked Pork up. The cat began purring like a jet engine, something he typically only did with Shane. He smiled down at the cat even as Shane took out his phone to take a picture to likely post on his very sparse Instagram.
“Hi, Pork,” Ilya said quietly. “I’m your papa.”