Chapter Text
Meryl shuffles out into her living room and sees Wolfwood lying, shirt rumpled and unbuttoned, on her couch, hair a mess, and obviously grumpy.
She winces as she hears Roberto start his morning throat-clearing in the bathroom. He sounds like the last bit of sludge getting flushed down a toilet with less than adequate water flow.
Vash is in her kitchen, frying bacon. In his underwear, looking half asleep. The grease pops in a short barrage of splatters and he squeals as hot, liquid bacon fat hits multiple spots on his chest and arms.
"I told you to put a damn shirt on, dipshit!" Nicholas yells at him, not even getting up when Vash squeals and dances around as the grease continues to pop on him.
"Take it off the heat, dumbass!"
"Hey, y'all quit yelling! You're going to wake up Meryl!" Roberto hollers from the bathroom.
Meryl pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. Oh, yeah. They are here.
At the moment, they are all living in her apartment in December. Sandstorm and monsoon season is in full swing, and it's supposed to be bad this year. Meryl suggested that having a reliable place to hunker down would be much safer than driving from town to town and hoping there were places with rooms available. And riding a sandstorm or thunderstorm out in a van was not the safest thing to do. Meryl's old roommate had moved out, so she has a two bedroom apartment, and it's close to work, which will allow her and Roberto to put a few hours in to take care of rent and supplies.
Meryl lets the men figure out sleeping arrangements for the second bedroom. She offers to share her bed, but no one really wants to take her up on the offer. Roberto insists that she deserves to have her own space in her own home.
Meryl shuffles over to the couch and stands there, waiting for Wolfwood to move his legs so she can sit down.
"What?" he asks obtusely.
"I would like to sit down."
"There's a chair right over there."
"You want to make dying on couches a habit?"
"Daaaammn!" Nicholas grumbles, "Fine, I'm moving, I'm moving!"
Meryl drops onto the freed up space and sinks down into the cushions. She yawns, and Wolfwood sticks his finger in her mouth, barking a laugh at the way her yawn turns into a loud horking sound.
"You're an asshole!" she snaps, shoving him.
"And you're short!"
Meryl glares at him.
"Piss off!" He drawls.
"Be better!"
"Grow taller!"
"Rober-!"
"Alright, alright, shut up!" Nicholas hisses, quickly covering her mouth. "I'm sorry, okay? Fuck!" He moves over just long enough for her to sit down, then puts his legs across her lap and steals the throw blanket she covers herself with. Meryl makes an irritated gasp, and pinches the hell out of the inside of his thigh. It has to be the only time she's ever heard him squeal. Nicholas grabs her by the front of her shirt, pulls her towards him, and gives her a Wet Willy. Meryl makes a choked off sound, and grabs his ear, pulling hard. They start wresting and Nicholas sticks his bare foot in Meryl's face, then smashes her into the couch cushions when she leans back, trying to get away from it.
Vash stays out of it, continuing to make breakfast as Wolfwood and Meryl fight on the couch. He smiles when he hears Nico yelp and exclaim in disbelief, "You fucking bit me!"
"You bit me first, and you did say you wanted to find out if you had a biting kink!" Meryl smirks.
"That was months ago, it was an accident, and I was just kidding! You know what? I don't want to play with you anymore!" Wolfwood gets up to shower, then goes out on the balcony with Roberto to smoke while Vash takes his turn.
Meryl rolls her eyes when she goes in to the bathroom after Vash gets out and sees the little dick and the words "Suck it, Needles", and Vash's answer of "That'll cost you $$20,000" scrawled in the condensation on the bathroom mirror. She shouldn't be surprised, she tells herself. In every hotel, motel, and inn they stay at, Nicholas and Vash draw dicks and leave each other profanity riddled insults and vulgar messages in the condensation on the bathroom mirror.
Meryl frowns and mutters irately to herself as she wipes off the rim of the toilet bowl and puts the seat back down. Fucking boys can shoot a small moving target with surgical precision, but somehow can't aim good enough to not piss all over the damn toilet bowl and the floor!
"Who is peeing on the floor and the toilet seat?" Meryl asks as they eat breakfast.
There is slight pause in the clinking of cutlery as looks, followed by a chorus of Not Me's go around the small kitchen table.
"Well, it's somebody!" Meryl says.
"I say it's Drunkle," Wolfwood says, "I hear you start having problems with pissing when you get old."
"It's not me!" Roberto snaps, "I had a wife, so I know proper bathroom etiquette! It's one of you two slobs."
"It's gotta be Wolfwood," Vash says, as Wolfwood gasps indignantly, "He pisses the way he shoots: spray and hope it hits something."
"You sonofabi-!"
"Alright!" Meryl jumps in, grabbing Wolfwood's arm before he can throw his fork at Vash. "Okay, if no one is going to admit to being the one peeing on the floor and toilet seat, and no one is going to clean it up, or remember to put the damn seat down, then no one is standing to pee anymore. Everyone is sitting! "
There is a chorus of grumbling consent.
"Also, " Meryl continues, looking at Vash and Nicholas, "Can you two please stop leaving your love notes on the bathroom mirror?"
In hindsight, Meryl discovers that trying to embarrass Wolfwood and Vash out their little game is not the brightest idea she's ever had. She should have just let it go, because they stopped drawing on the mirror, and switched to using post-it notes, and now she's finding 'love notes' and dick doodles on random surfaces all over the apartment.
She supposed she should be grateful that they aren't slobs. She had been expecting the apartment to end up looking like a stereotype, but there was surprisingly very little mess.
Vash is naturally tidy, not having many personal possessions, and being very considerate of the people around him. He does chores and helps out in exchange for room and board out of habit. He keeps asking Meryl if there is anything she needs done. He runs errands for her and if he sees her cleaning or cooking, he's right there asking to help out until Meryl shoos him away or let's him help. She appreciates that he's always looking for things that need to be repaired or cleaned that Meryl can't reach or would need to call a repair man for.
Roberto isn't too messy. Sometimes he forgets to pick up his clothes, or clean up a spill or crumbs, but he does go back and clean up after himself if he remembers, or he apologizes if he sees someone else cleaning up after him. He is a mediocre cook, but he insists on taking his turn at it. He tries to remember to stick to a personal cleaning schedule so he doesn't make extra work for anyone.
Meryl half expected Wolfwood to be a total slob, but then she's reminded that he grew up in an orphanage where everyone had to learn domestic skills at an early age. He's the one running around cleaning, cooking and bitching about how someone didn't clean up their mess and can we please keep this place clean for at least ten minutes. She can't take him one hundred percent seriously though, not when he's bitching while wearing her cooking apron.
Meryl thinks it's sweet how Vash and Nicholas, when they can't find work, will go run errands during the day, or always try to have the house clean and dinner ready (or almost ready) when Meryl and Roberto get home from the office.
Meryl would never hear the end of it if she ever told them they looked like an old married couple as they argued while getting dinner put on the table.
In spite of the sweetness, Vash and Nicholas still irritate the fuck out her! Sometimes she feels like she can't take them out in public.
She almost dies of embarrassment when she ushers them out to introduce them to her next door neighbor so no one calls the police when they see strangers going into her apartment.
The middle aged man shakes Roberto's hand, saying, "Nice to meet you, Mr. De Niro! I'm Richard Cox." and Vash feels Nicholas go stock still beside him, then hears his mental shout of disbelief.
Richard Cox?! His name is Richard Cox?!
Nicholas, please!
Blondie, the nickname for Richard is 'dick'!
I know! Can you please?
DICK!
Meryl and Roberto continue to exchange pleasantries as if they can't hear Nicholas telepathically screaming Cox! 'Cocks'! Dick Cox! DICK COCKS! in their heads as if they don't get the joke. And then, as if the Universe decides it needs a good laugh, Richard's wife peeks out the door and sees Vash.
"Vash?! Vash is that you? Oh my gosh, it's been forever! How are Brad and Luida?"
Vash's face lights up as he recognizes the woman, and he gives her a quick hug, telling her that Brad and Luida are doing great and that she should stop by sometime, all the while, trying to ignore Nicholas's mental giggling.
Richard's wife explains to him that she knows Vash because she's friends with his parents. It's a convenient half-truth.
"Oh, this is my wife, Minnie!" Richard says, seeing the polite curiosity on Meryl's friends' faces.
Vash keeps smiling even as Nicholas's laughter blows through his head
Minnie Cox?!
Nico!
Mini Cocks, Blondie! MINI COCKS! *wild telepathic cackling*
Richard sees one of Ms. Meryl's friends double over as a harsh cough wracks his body. It's got to be one of the worst smoker's coughs he's ever heard. That poor guy should cut back on his smoking! Richard thinks as Vash politely excuses himself and leads the poor man back inside the apartment.
Roberto and Meryl carry on with telling Richard about how her friends will be staying with her for the next few months, but it’s a little hard to concentrate when all they can hear is Nicholas's wild laughter in their heads.
Richard and Minnie?! Cox?! Are you fucking kidding me?! DICK COCKS AND MINI COCKS! Shortie is living next to a couple of cocks! Jesus Christ, please tell me their kid's name is Willy!
Nicholas buries his face in a couch cushion and howls with laughter. He's finally laughed himself breathless by the time Meryl and Roberto return, and he spends the rest of the day randomly giggling about the best dick joke he's ever heard. Meryl wonders if she will survive the next few months.