Chapter Text
Dropping my rifle beside me, I sink to my knees in the snow, feeling my world crumbling around me. Reaching a trembling hand to his face, I gently brush the fallen snow from his cheeks, my vision of him warping as tears gathered in my eyes. I was too much of a coward to confess my feelings to him before, and now it's too late. “Y-You bastard,” I choke out, no heat behind my words. “You promised… You promised me you weren't going to be here.”
I need to call it in. I fumble in my coat pocket for my transponder snail, forcing my numb fingers to cooperate. The line connects, but the words lodge in my throat as I attempt to speak.
“Did you find something, Commander Shaw?” a female voice prompts.
I inhale shakily and slap my cheeks to help me focus. “One-One of our own has fallen, Tsuru-san,” I force out. “North-east quadrant, bordering the center of the island.”
“Can you identify them?” she asks curtly.
Easily, even with the ridiculous amount of makeup on his face. I rapidly blink away my tears. “His marine code is 01746,” I say quietly, and I see the snail's eyes widen. “Commander Donquixote R-” R-Rosi… I begin to sob as the reality of the moment finally sinks in. He's gone, and I don't know what to do anymore.
My tears have either dried or frozen by the time the others arrive, and I silently gather the skinny man in my arms, refusing to let anyone else carry him. He's my best friend, my brother in some ways, and the only man I have ever loved. My body moves on autopilot, heading back to the ship. A few other marines ask me questions, and I don't know if I respond to them or not. I feel detached from myself, as cold and empty as the body in my arms.
If I had known this would happen, I would've done things differently. I would've made sure Rosi knew how much I loved him. I would've showered him with the affection he deserved. If I had the chance to do things over, I'd hold onto him and keep him safe. I'd figure out a way to save him, somehow. If only…
A hand on my shoulder jolts me back to reality. I look down into Tsuru's sympathetic gaze. “You can place him in there,” she says gently, directing me to an empty cabin.
I nod wordlessly and carry him into the small chamber, lowering him onto a blanket on the floor and arranging his limbs to make it seem like he was sleeping. Kneeling beside him, I reach into my pocket and pull out a handkerchief, slowly and carefully wiping away makeup and blood from his face.
All the way back to headquarters, I hold a vigil in that small room. I can't sleep, and even the thought of food makes my stomach churn. A cadet brings me a plate of dinner the evening before we're set to arrive, but I send the poor boy away with a gruffness that surprises even me.
A bell rings in the middle of the night, and the call goes out. “All hands on deck!”
I surge to my feet and stagger through the doorway, driven by a sense of duty ingrained in my soul. The sea is angrier than I have ever seen it before, mirroring the turmoil in my heart. Waves crash over the railing as my fellow marines scramble over the slick boards, rushing to tie up the sails and secure whatever they can.
Something inside me tells me to go back inside, but I can't. They called all hands to the deck. My feet carry me forward, and I grab hold of a loose rope, pulling it taut and tying it off. I hear a shout of warning behind me and turn just in time to catch a barrel with my face. Stunned, I blink, watching the ship's railing get further and further away.
Splash!
My muscles refuse to function, their strength drained by the contract I signed years ago. Maybe it's better this way. I'll get to see Rosi again. The cold, inky depths beckon me, and I offer no resistance.
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A stinging slap shocks me awake, and I cough hoarsely, expelling water from my aching lungs. Shit. I can't even join him in death. My eyes burn from the saltwater, but I manage to focus on my arm beside me, my fingers curling weakly around an offered hand.
“Dumbass,” someone nearby mutters as I'm pulled to my feet. “You know you can't swim. Why the hell did you jump in after me?”
I know that voice, but it's impossible… I rub my eyes and blink a few times, clearing my vision. Then, I slowly turn toward the voice, my eyes widening in shock and wonder as I take in his damp mop of shaggy, golden hair, his lanky limbs that he hasn't quite grown into yet. “R-Rosi?” I ask, my voice breaking slightly. “You-You're not dead?”
He grins teasingly and shoves my shoulder with a very solid fist. “Come on, Shaw. Did you hit your head or something?”
“I-I-” I frown up at him. He's taller than me… He hasn't been taller than me since- My eyes widen further. “How old am I?” I blurt out.
His grin vanishes, replaced by a look of genuine concern. “Stop playing around, Shaw. You just had your eighteenth birthday a few months ago. Maybe you did hit your head. We should have the doctor take a look at you.”
I shake my head. “I don't need to see the doctor, Rosi. I'm okay. More than okay, really. You're alive.” I let out a small laugh, my cheeks hurting from how wide my smile is. “You're alive,” I repeat. I've been given a do-over. I'm not going to let it go to waste.