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“Bonjour! Welcome to yet another Dead End corner, ‘Teach me, Ciel-sensei’! I’m sure you already know who I am, your teacher, Ciel-sensei!”
Ciel sensei does a little wink and a cute pose, leaning forward with a smile. Where to is anyone’s guess. This perpetually blue classroom has no camera or camera crew to wink to, and the audience is dead in both ways.
“For those of you who haven’t played the original Tsukihime…well. Good luck. And for all the Tohno-kuns around the world chiming in, I’m glad you’re here. The theme of today’s lesson is: preparedness!” Ciel waggles her finger in the air. “To all the Tohno-kuns of the world, I see you there! You might think it’s all fun and games with no consequences, but it’s still important to keep a level head! It’s VERY flattering that you keep on dying to return here to see your favorite teacher…”
“And me,” Neko Arc speaks up.
Ciel pauses for longer than she should, just looking down at the cat. Arcueid doesn’t say anything and blinks back at her, her trademark sweat dropping down her cheek as she stares back.
“…And Arcueid,” Ciel says, rolling her eyes, “That said, it’s important you take care. The world is a very unforgiving place, Tohno-kun. Retreating to an earlier save to choose the right choice is a privilege, not a right! Sometimes you’ll have to tackle the consequences of your actions head on and live with said consequences. Which is why today we’re going to be talking about the best ways to avoid misfortune without resorting to trial-and-error! I promise, you’ll be be a better man for this!”
“Question Ciel.” Neko Arc raises her hand. “Not all your students are men. You should be more aware of these things.”
Ciel grinded her teeth. “Denied. Women, men, if you’re in this class listening, you’re Tohno enough for me.”
“I listen too,” Neko Arc states, her ears twitching.
Ciel shakes her head and walks over to the classroom’s blackboard, brandishing a piece of white chalk. “In any case, let’s begin. Who can tell me what to do when attacked by a vampire made up of several separate creatures who can send them after you from thin air?”
Neko Arc is the only one to raise her hand.
Ciel takes a cursory glance, then pouts and puts her hands on her hips. “Tohno-kun, you can solve this one. It’s a very simple one to start with.”
“You are putting them on the spot,” Neko Arc muttered, “Impatient Ciel.”
Ciel threw her hands up in the air. “Alright smartass.”
Neko Arc arched an eyebrow. “What?”
“Arc, this is the seventh time you’ve been disruptive in class for no good reason. This isn’t exactly what I’d call ‘charity work’ and you make it a lot harder than it needs to be.”
“That’s exactly what this is. Neither you or I get paid for this. Especially given we’re in an abandonware visual novel.”
Ciel rolled her eyes. “Would it kill you to be more polite at least?”
“I’m just asking questions,” Neko Arc said.
“Well, if you paid attention more, then you wouldn’t need to ask so many questions.”
Neko Arc bit her lip. “Isn’t that your fault? You should do your job as a teacher.”
Ciel put a hand on her hip. “Your attention isn’t my responsibility; my responsibility is to teach you. If you get bad grades because you don’t care, that’s on you.”
“What grades?” Neko Arc gestured around the room. “This school’s just a series of lectures in the same blue classroom. The only other faculty here are Professor Nrvnqsr and Roa. And maybe the red-haired janitors, I don’t know how Hisui and Kohaku fit into this.”
“They keep the desks clean,” Ciel shrugged.
Neko Arc glanced around the room. She looked at the several dozen empty desk and chair sets that had nothing on them. All were spotless, free of dust and free of students.
“For the two-person class we have.”
Ciel rolled her eyes. “There’s nothing keeping you here, Arcueid. You could always just leave and let me and Tohno teach in peace.”
“I don’t intend to.” Neko Arc’s hair bristled. “I’m not even sure if I can leave. The forces that be forced me into this short form, and every nyaow and then I make a cat pun against my will. This is unfair treatment of a heroine with good social standing and lots of fans!”
“Well you can either try to leave this unexplained phenomenon of a class or you can sit down and shut up, your choice,” Ciel scolded her.
Neko Arc glared back in silence. She slunk back into the chair in her desk like one of those deflated rubber men they use to advertise at car dealerships and festivals. Ciel seemed pretty content with that, smiling and turning back to face whatever counts as “the class”.
“Okay, we got a little bit off track, so I’d like to start the lesson in earnest now! Earlier I asked you, Tohno-kun, what to do in the event of a vampire emergency!”
Neko Arc made motor noises with her mouth all while giving Ciel the stink-eye.
“Now, what I’m about to demonstrate may be a general solution to a specific problem, but it’s still something that I hope you will take from this class and apply to your day-to-day life,” Ciel said, reaching behind her back.
“Yeah, when you’re out trying to ignore pretty girls at school who just want to say ‘hi Shiki’, this’ll come in handy,” Neko Arc muttered.
“I will need a volunteer for this demonstration,” Ciel admitted, looking directly at Arcueid.
She was smiling. A very suspiciously wide smile, too. Neko Arc made a face, shrinking into her chair even more like she knew she’d just open Pandora’s box. Seeing as none of the other empty desks were willing to pitch in, Neko Arc hopped off of her chair and reluctantly stood by Ciel.
Ciel’s smile softened. “Thank you, Arc.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Neko Arc waved her off, “I already know you’re going to sic Nrvnqsr’s animals on me again, just get it over with.”
“Oh, no. Professor Nrvnqsr’s deer and tigers weren’t available this week. He’s taking them to be groomed.”
Neko Arc smirked. “So you’ve lost your trump card.”
Neko Arc raised up her round, orb-like hands up offensively. Ciel didn’t seem phased.
“I’m kidding, you know I love you.” Neko Arc shrugged.
Ciel shook her head. “Actually, that’s fine. Arcueid, could you keep that pose?”
Alright, weird. Neko Arc frowned but stayed in place. Ciel fidgeted with something behind her back, then brought it out and presented it to the class. More beads of sweat began running down Neko Arc’s face when she saw it firsthand.
“I know this isn’t my usual weapon, but…”
“That’s a SHOTGUN,” Neko Arc shouted, taking a step back.
Ciel’s face was beaming. “What a very astute observation, Arcueid!”
Neko Arc stumbled over another desk chair backing away. “Ciel…where did you get the shotgun?”
“Very funny story actually…” Ciel cradled the shotgun, her finger casually hovering over the trigger.
Ciel waved the shotgun in the direction of Neko Arc, who was not so casually panicking, ducking and pushing over tables to use as cover.
“Kohaku has A LOT more schemes than you’d think, Arcueid. I flagged her down one day after class and we had a talk! And, well…heh…let’s just say we came to an agreement.”
“Ciel!” Neko Arc squeaked, cowering behind a table.
Ciel smiled warmly. “We can’t keep doing this Arcueid. This routine…I’m sorry. You were right about us.”
Neko Arc shook her head, holding up a chair to cover her face. “It’s okay! I need to work on my listening skills! I get it! Just put the gun down first-“
The blast reverberated through the nearly empty classroom. Neko Arc gasped as the chair was torn from her grasp, hitting the opposite wall of the classroom with several new smoking holes. She backed up, frantically looking back and forth across the room. When there was another chair, she threw it back at Ciel. Ciel either blasted it out of the air or knocked it to the side.
The back of Neko Arc’s head slammed into the wall. Immobilized, she couldn’t do anything but stare at the tip of the shotgun pointed at her forehead.
“I wonder…”
Neko Arc gulps. She’s powerless. No laser beams, no rebuttal, nothing. Despite her actions earlier, any trace of fear is gone from her face. Just a single drop of sweat running down her face.
Then it was over. The blast seemed quieter than the first. Her face was drenched in red and the wall of the classroom was painted so.
Ciel straightens her back out. She looks over her shoulder, back to the end of the room.
“Tohno-kun. I’m sure you already understand, but this is why it helps to be prepared. Sometimes when you’re faced with a problem that persists, you need to act. In life, that could be something like an essay you’re procrastinating on or that nagging feeling that you’re about to run into something horrible.”
Ciel walks toward the end of the room. She brushes off her bloodstained uniform. Unsurprisingly, the red stain just spreads and sticks to her fingers.
“After all these years, Arcueid had plenty of time to prepare something, anything. She knew that this was an inevitability. Basically, she should have been prepared. I was prepared, coming up with an idea of my own and developing it. You should never take this time for granted.”
Ciel points the shotgun to the end of the class. Her eyes are wistful even while smiling.
“Sadly…you’ve also failed, Tohno. I’m so sorry, but you’re going to need to leave too. Return and make the right choice.”
The empty shotgun clicks. There’s silence in the classroom again. Ciel stops smiling, looking down on the last filled seat. Shiki Tohno, sitting perfectly still, mouth agape, looked on in abject horror.
“Oh...that was...” Shiki looked at the desk, then back up at Ciel. “Ugh...”
His eyes were glued to Ciel, who casually dusted off her blue vest again. Scowling, Ciel tried again, then dropped the shotgun to the floor. There was a cheap clattering sound as Ciel procured a wipe of some kind and dabbed it at her clothes. The red stains just spread.
“Arcueid!” Ciel shouted across the room.
Across the room where the bloody cat corpse laid, it didn’t say anything in response.
“…You can stop acting now.”
One of Neko Arc’s eyes opened. “What? I thought I was doing pretty well.”
“No, it's not that, you’re fine- You said this wouldn’t stain!”
Neko Arc grinned. “Oh oops. I think Kohaku did say that you would have to clean it rigorously…not that it wouldn’t stain.”
Ciel groaned and walked over to Neko Arc. “Not funny, Arcueid! This is my good vest.”
“You wear the same thing to class every time Shiki gets a bad end anyway,” Neko Arc complained, “You don't have a closet full of the same outfit or something?”
“Where would you even store a shotgun like that in that outfit?” Shiki asked from across the room.
“Suspension of disbelief. You get my point I'm making with this though, right?” Ciel asked, looking toward Shiki. “Tohno-kun, did the message at least get through to you?”
“I should carry a shotgun instead of a knife?” Shiki asked, one hand on the side of his face.
“It’s more about the lesson that life comes at you fast,” Neko Arc pointed out, rubbing her face clean with a handkerchief.
“The shock value didn’t come across right, did it?” Ciel’s shoulders slumped. “I really wanted to do something different for my lessons and all I get is sauce on my clothes.”
“I kinda liked it,” Shiki said, “I think it’d work for a Halloween episode.”
“And you could always take off your clothes,” Neko Arc jumped in.
Ciel grimaced. “What?”
“If they get too dirty.”
Ciel blushed, then kicked Neko Arc in the stomach.
“Ow! I’m just saying! It’s always an option!”
“That’s so stupid, I’m not stripping in the middle of class.”
Neko Arc stood up while gingerly holding her own waist. “It could be like a sexy horror movie thing! With a lesson! You could be covered in blood in a weird, one part scary one part risqué kind of way.”
“No…I think I’m just going to need to give a more straightforward lesson,” Ciel sighed, shaking her head.
“Tch. Worth a shot,” Neko Arc muttered, walking back to her seat.
Ciel turned back to face Shiki, smiling somewhat. “Well, this was a bust. Thank you for helping with this anyway, Tohno-kun.”
Shiki grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. “Oh, you know. It’s no big deal.”
Neko Arc sighed. “It’s a little weird for Shiki to be this quiet while all this is happening.”
“It’s bad end tradition,” Ciel said, “Personally, I think it’d be stranger if he was freaking out.”
Shiki hummed, leaning back in his chair. “I could scream out, ‘No! Arcueid!’ if that helps.”
"...Nothing for me?” Ciel wondered aloud.
Shiki frowned. “It’s going to be hard to make a neutral reaction when one of you ends up getting hurt.” He glanced to his left toward the windows.
“Awwww, he does care,” Neko Arc said, smirking deviously.
“And that’s why he can’t talk when this is happening,” Ciel sighed, “I’m beginning to see how this lesson wouldn’t work.”
“We could take a break and think of something later,” Shiki suggested, standing up.
“Already?” Ciel asked.
Neko Arc shrugged, hopping out of her chair again. “That’s fine with me.”
Ciel sighed, shaking her head. “Okay…”
Ciel felt something pat her on the leg. She looked down at Neko Arc, petting her on said leg.
Neko Arc blushed. “I… You know I can’t really pat you on the shoulder from down here.”
“I thought you could switch your forms?”
“That only happens in Kagetsu Tohya. But I’ll try later. I wanna eat something. And to be carried.”
Ciel scowled. “I’m not carrying you Arcueid! Last time was weird.”
Neko Arc pouted. “You didn’t seem to mind the backrubs.”
“Your claws started digging into me halfway through.”
“You didn’t sound like you hated it.”
Shiki walked up to the two of them, squeezing Ciel’s hand. "We'll figure this out soon, Ciel."
Ciel just sighed and resigned herself to taking a break. Crouching down, Shiki picked Neko Arc up and raised her to his face.
“You know, I’m really starting to get used to you like this,” Shiki said, holding her up.
Neko Arc rolled her eyes. “Don’t get used to it, nya. The second I figure out how canon this is, I’m switching back.”
Shiki smiled, then slang Neko Arc over his back. With her arms wrapped around his shoulders, Shiki carried her like a backpack. Arcueid and Ciel exchanged glances. Weird, but if it meant hanging out with Shiki before the bad end period was over… The three of them walked out of the classroom together.
Oh yeah, and uh Satsuki Yumizuka met them in the hallway standing by the door, her eyes wide.
“That was a REALLY fucked up lesson you guys, I dunno.” Yumizuka told them.
Ciel sighed again. “It is a work in progress!”