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The first thing you notice after barely having two hours of sleep is that there’s too much silence.
You sit up quickly in bed, trying to do your best to not overthink that something bad has happened. However, when you turn to your right and see that Leon isn’t there, you can’t stop but let a huge variety of many negative thoughts immediately start forming in your head.
“Leon?”
There’s no answer, of course.
The moment you throw the covers off and try to get out of bed is when you feel the pain. You can’t help but let out a groan, cursing under your breath. Your body aches way too much, something that’s completely normal considering you gave birth just three days ago.
When you stand up, it feels as if your body's protesting and telling you to get back to bed. You were discharged yesterday, and even though everything and, specially, you and your daughter were perfect for you to finally return home, the doctor made it very clear: you’re going to feel awful for a few days and, no matter how much you thought you could handle everything, you just couldn’t handle things on your own for now.
You underestimated his comment, of course, and now, as you slowly walk around your room, putting on your robe and your slippers, you realize you should take things more calmly.
However… now it doesn’t seem like the moment to do it.
“Fuck…” you mutter quietly to yourself.
You reach the bedroom door and force yourself to rest against the doorframe for a bit and take a breath. You feel a faint pressure in your lower abdomen, and you can’t help but worry about it being just a mere pressure.
But… your biggest concern are your husband and your daughter, who seem to have disappeared.
“Leon?” you call again, a little louder this time. “Love?”
Again, there’s no answer.
You feel a pressure settling in your chest, and you feel your heart beating faster.
“Okay… You got this…” you whisper, encouraging yourself to keep moving.
After taking a few more steps and reaching the middle of the hallway that leads to your daughter’s room, you force yourself to stop again. You feel more pressure building in your head, and your vision even blurs slightly.
Immediately, knowing what could happen, you force yourself to lean against the wall, close your eyes for a bit, and practice the same breathing exercises that only a few days ago helped you manage the pain between contractions.
“God… how did I give birth to a baby and now I can’t even walk?” you shake your head, biting your lip. “Come on… Let’s go…”
You start walking again, cursing the feeling that the hallway seems much longer than usual.
The only thing that comforts you is that, as you keep going, you slowly start hearing some noises, murmurs that you can’t quite understand, and what sounds like the rocking chair moving.
The rocking chair.
You see your baby’s bedroom door slightly open and carefully open it a bit more.
You let out a sigh, finally relaxing.
You see Leon, shirtless, with the baby resting on his chest, her tiny hands curled into little fists. His left hand rests on her back while his lips keep pressing soft kisses to her forehead, whispering who knows what to her.
You notice how he can’t stop smiling shyly.
Leon leans his head back and closes his eyes, clearly trying to rest for a bit after the terrible night you both had. His thumb keeps moving up and down the baby’s back, and when you hear a small sound escape her lips, you can’t stop a tear from slipping down your cheek.
When your husband opens his eyes, his gaze meets yours, and he smiles even more.
“Hey…” he whispers, trying not to wake the baby. “You should be in bed, resting. Do I have to remind you what the doctor said?”
You shake your head, crossing your arms and leaning against the doorframe.
You can’t stop looking at him. His hair is completely messy, he has more beard than you know he usually likes to keep, and there are dark circles under his eyes. Too many, actually, especially considering he hasn’t even been a father for a week.
Though… you can’t complain: you’d probably look exactly the same… or even worse.
Still, you can’t stop noticing his chest and how his body, still very toned, seems a little more relaxed since he took paternity leave…
“You weren’t in bed,” you reply suddenly, trying not to let your hormones get you in the mood. “Sorry for overreacting, but I was worried…”
Leon’s expression changes instantly. He goes from being relaxed with your baby, to being completely alert, even starting to hold the little one a bit more firmly.
He shifts in the rocking chair. Now, his face shows nothing but worried about you. Also, you notice how he seems to be apologizing with his eyes.
“She started getting fussy around 5,” your husband explains, now taking the baby into his arms and beginning to rock her. “You were sleeping so deeply and seemed so relaxed… I didn’t want to wake you. You needed, and still need, to rest,” he insists.
“You could’ve woken me up. I’m her mother, Leon,” you reproach quietly, rubbing your eyes.
“And, as her mother, you need to rest,” Leon counters. “Don’t you remember what the doctor told you? I thought we talked about this before you were discharged.”
“Yes, but you also need to sleep, Leon,” you huff.
“You know I barely sleep normally,” he gives you a small smile. “Sleeping even less to take care of my daughter won’t hurt me.”
“You say that now, but when—”
“Come on, we’ve actually been having a good time. Did you know we even had a little chat?” he murmurs, lowering his gaze to the baby. “Didn’t we, sunshine?”
The baby makes a small noise, as if answering him, and curls herself more tightly against Leon.
“You’re shirtless, Leon,” you say, walking toward him slowly. “It’s winter. You’re going to catch a cold! And then, the baby will catch it!”
Leon looks you up and down when you carefully sit on his thigh, doing your best to not disturb the baby.
“Well… yeah, I know,” he answers shyly, scratching the back of his neck. You can’t help blushing. “When they were doing your blood tests and all that medical stuff, and I stayed with the baby, the nurse explained that skin-to-skin contact helps regulate their heart rate, temperature…” he shrugs. “Since she seemed a little nervous, and she didn’t look hungry, and nothing else seemed to be wrong, I decided to try it and see if it’d actually calm her down.”
Your throat tightens.
“I’ve also read several articles about it,” Leon adds, a little embarrassed. “At this point, I could qualify as a pediatrician, you know.”
You laugh, but the pain in your lower abdomen returns.
Now, it’s even sharper.
You place a hand there discreetly, massaging the area to calm the pain and trying not to let Leon notice but, of course, he does.
“Love…” quickly, he makes a move to stand up, forcing you to stand as well. “Come on, sit down,” he gestures toward the rocking chair with the hand that isn’t holding the baby. You’re about to protest, but he cuts you off. “The doctor said you needed rest… You can’t be making this much effort…”
“I only crossed the hallway…”
You hold back a groan that escapes anyway when you feel the pressure again, stronger now.
“Hey, you comfortable? Are you okay? Do you need me to bring you something? Do you want me to put the baby in the crib and carry you to bed in—?”
“Leon.”
Interrupting him doesn’t calm him down… In fact, it seems to do the opposite.
You can see how worried he’s becoming. You would even swear his face is turning a little pale.
“I’m fine, I’m fine!” you rush to say when you see him starting to crouch in front of you, without letting go of the baby, of course.
You see him close his eyes and let out a sigh, much more relaxed.
However, when he opens them again, it feels like he’s analyzing you completely.
“You shouldn’t be walking around like nothing happened,” he scolds.
“I only gave birth, Leon. It’s not like I’m not broken or anything like that…”
“Just gave birth, you say… Yeah…”
You lean back in the rocking chair and start swaying, seeing how Leon can’t stop pacing from one side to the other with the baby in his arms. You can’t help holding back tears when you hear him telling her about how you met, how he asked you to be his girlfriend, how you got married, how you both reacted when you found out you were expecting her…
“You know? You’re definitely a good dad. Best one in the world, I’d say.”
Leon turns to look at you and raises an eyebrow.
“Like… as a dad, you mean?”
“Yes,” you gesture up and down at him, smiling. “You’re just… there, with the baby, telling her our entire story as if she actually understands you…”
“She does understand me,” he reproaches, unable to suppress a smile. “Why do you think we get along so well? You know I talked to her a lot when she was still inside you… Besides, I probably look terrified.” He chuckles quietly and shakes his head. “Damn… I don’t know how to do anything… I don’t even know how to—”
“You’re doing everything perfect,” you tell him, straightening slightly as if to stand but sitting back down when he gives you one of his looks. “Leon, for God’s sake, if you could see yourself…”
“See myself how?”
“I haven’t seen you like this since the day we got married. So… in love.”
That leaves him speechless.
He stares at you for a moment, clearing his throat as if pretending he doesn’t know what to say.
“Well…” he stammers a little and clears his throat again. “Yeah, I’m in love with her… I mean… God, she’s our daughter. Ours. We made her, and she barely even exists yet, and she’s so perfect…”
You stand up and move behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist and leaving several kisses all across his back until you reach his shoulders.
“She wasn’t comfortable in the crib,” he explains quietly. “I woke up when I heard those tiny little noises she makes, so… well, I picked her up, went down to the kitchen, and made her a bottle… although she didn’t want it,” he explains. “I also changed her diaper twice, but the third time she didn’t want anything either… So… well, we’ve just been talking a little and stuff… until now she finally fell asleep.”
You smile, standing on your tiptoes and kissing his cheek.
“She knows you. She’s your best friend, I promise.”
You’re not entirely sure why, but you say those words without much conviction, almost as if they hurt to say.
Leon notices, of course.
He gently moves you aside, and just as carefully places the baby, completely asleep, into her crib, only to turn back to you with his arms wide open.
“Come here.”
“I thought you didn’t want me moving,” you say with your arms crossed.
“This is different. Can’t I hug my wife now?”
That makes you laugh a little. You end up crossing the few steps between you and lean against his chest while he wraps his arms around you, leaving shy kisses on the top of your head.
He’s the one who takes the initiative to move you both a little closer, eventually dragging the rocking chair until it sits right beside the crib.
Leon sits down in it and then takes you by the waist, gently forcing you to sit on his lap.
You lean forward slightly, moving closer to the crib and softly brushing the baby’s back.
God, Leon was right: she was your daughter.
How could you possibly have made something so… perfect?
“She’s so small…” you whisper.
“She has your nose,” Leon assures.
“And those little ears…”
“Yeah, those are mine. Poor girl.”
“Leon, your ears are perfect,” you lightly hit his arm. “You’re perfect. No wonder our baby is so beautiful…”
“Don’t say that… she got all of that from her gorgeous mother.”
You wrap your arms around his neck and look at him. Leon beats you to it and wraps his arms around your waist too, leaving a quick kiss on your lips.
“I don’t know how you can be so good at this already…” you tell him, sliding your fingers through his hair and fixing it a little.
“At all this stealth stuff? The DSO, I guess… It had to be good for something, right?”
You roll your eyes, your lips curving into a smile that achieves exactly what Leon wanted: making you laugh.
“I meant with us,” you say. “You’re a very good husband, and you’ve only been a father for a short time, but… you’re already perfect.”
“I honestly don’t know what I’m doing,” he admits. “Every time she does anything I think I’ve already fucked up.”
“Yeah… same happens to me,” you admit too, though it’s no surprise to your husband.
“You know that earlier, when you were still asleep, I checked if she was breathing six times?”
“I did it nine times when I came out of the shower the day after giving birth.”
“Are you serious?” he asks in surprise, staring at you.
“I swear,” you assure him. “It was when I forced you to go outside with Chris to get some air, even if it was for just two minutes, because you hadn’t left the hospital for almost two days. And you didn’t eat anything.”
A smile slowly appears on his face. He hugs you a little tighter around the waist, being careful not to hurt you.
“We’re a disaster, love…”
“Definitely. But at least we have each other, right?”
He kisses your cheek several times, then leaves one on your temple.
“Do you think you’re going to escape from me that easily?”
You shrug.
“Earlier, I thought you’d left the house with the baby,” you comment, and you regret it instantly when you see Leon grow sad even though he tries not to show it. “Leon…”
“Did you really think that? That I’d left? That I’d leave you alone? Especially after giving birth?”
“I called you and you didn’t answer,” you reply a bit coldly. “I just… I don’t know. I know maybe I’m overreacting a lot…”
“And it’s completely fine. Hormones are driving you crazy,” he says, gently cupping your face. “I don’t want you to feel bad, but… if something like that ever crosses your mind again, tell me, alright? I didn’t hear you before because I was with our tiny, perfect, wonderful daughter, but next time if—”
A small sound, followed by another, and then another, until it breaks into a soft cry, interrupts you both.
You both look down at the crib and see that the baby is no longer asleep. Her eyes are half open now, her arms moving clearly with the intention of wanting to be picked up.
Of Leon picking her up.
“Well… looks like someone has already got used to daddy’s arms… Yeah, guess you’re definitely your mother’s copy, sunshine…”