Chapter Text
Jiang Cheng knew that true happiness was never something he would be able to attain. Too many circumstances in his life just made it impossible. He settled with that fact a long time ago. Contentment was the best he could do for himself. Waking up every day didn’t have to be the best day of his life just… fine. Okay. Good enough.
That’s not to say he hadn’t felt happiness. Of course he had. Jiang Cheng wasn’t a completely miserable person. He wasn't the always smiling presence like Wei Wuxian or the constant calm like Yanli, but he was fine. So yes, he has felt happy. But those moments were simply that— moments. Long term, unyielding happiness, was not something that he would be able to achieve.
It’s an inadequacy on his part.
The life that Jiang Cheng had been given wasn’t bad. There was no worrying about money, he had a home, he had siblings that loved him, he had both his parents alive and well. Truly, there was nothing he should be complaining about. Unlike Wei Wuxian, he wasn’t dealt a bad hand at the beginning of his life, and yet his brother remained happy and sociable.
Yes, not being happy was Jiang Cheng’s fault entirely.
When he realized that being content was the best he could do in his life, Jiang Cheng made up his mind on what parts would be given over to it. In what parts of his life is happiness useless to chase?
He landed on a staggering three: his job, his family, and his marriage.
His job was a birth given right. Or at least it should be. He had no choice in where he ended up working, it was predetermined.
Second, his family. Too much and not enough. Too much like his mother and not enough to step out of Wei Wuxian’s looming shadow. He knew that nothing he did for his parents would lead to happiness. Not only for him but for them as well. They would never be happy and in turn, he remained set on being content.
Wei Wuxian and Yanli posed a different kind of contentment. Maybe when he was younger he would’ve said only his parents couldn’t give him happiness and his siblings could, but his siblings got older and a few things became clear. For one, he did not make them as happy as they could make each other. Yanli felt more comfortable giving comfort to the poor, orphan boy that joined the Jiang household. Jiang Cheng’s tantrums were him being bad, Wei Wuxian’s were born from trauma. It was just different.
Wei Wuxian liked to play with Jiang Cheng, and annoy him, and tease him. He knew there was stark differences between the ways that Wei Wuxian cared for him compared to Yanli. It made sense, of course. His love and attention were fleeting things. Jiang Cheng didn’t exactly welcome him into the family with open arms like his sister did. Maybe Wei Wuxian never felt fully safe with Jiang Cheng. Another one of his failures.
The differences piled up and built within Jiang Cheng, and then Yanli moved out and got a husband. And then Wei Wuxian eloped with Lan Wangji. And then Jiang Cheng had to get married.
Jiang Cheng knew from a young age that he would be subjected to arrangement. He was the first and only son, his mother had jurisdiction over his future partner per tradition. He would be matched with someone capable of handling the family and household. For this, he knew his mother wouldn’t choose incorrectly, just no one that would make his heart fill with happiness.
He would be content in his marriage. They could even be friends. Compatible in the way that roommates could be. His list wasn’t hard: not too loud, organized, and patient.
That was until his parents struck a deal with the Lans. He could see the anger in his mothers eyes as Jiang Fengmian told Jiang Cheng what exactly would happen. Even as the first son, his position was never quite secured— he would be the one joining the Lan household. He would give up his position in the company. His mother seethed, and Jiang Cheng had to nod in acceptance. What could he do? Fight it? He wasn’t going to prove his father right.
His father gave him one last look before he walked out of the dining room. Jiang Cheng and his mother just looked at each other in silence. That was the closest he ever felt to her. She looked up towards the ceiling and took a deep breath. She walked up to Jiang Cheng and rested her hand on the top of his head.
“You are his son. You are my son. No one can take this away from you.” She said quietly. Jiang Cheng felt his eyes well up and bowed his head. The moment ended and Madam Yu was storming after her husband, shouting his name.
Jiang Cheng felt a tear slip down his face. He was getting married.
Soon after he was being properly courted by Lan Xichen. His mother was unsuccessful in changing his father’s mind, so he threw himself into Lan business. He attended dinners and banquets as Lan Xichen’s fiancee, learning exactly what he could do to please his soon-to-be husband and Lan Qiren. He was grateful that the assimilation was made easier by his proximity to Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, though the couple rarely showed up to events.Jiang Cheng was familiar with the Lans in some regards.
It was a surprise to Jiang Cheng that he ended up falling in love. Maybe it was the many ways Lan Xichen took the time to get to know him. He listened, he asked, he tried. When they got married, their bows didn’t feel like a performance or a duty— Jiang Cheng was happy to do it. And for the next year, he felt a little bit more than content. He felt happy.
Of course, there were moments of the marriage that were hard, but nothing truly sent Jiang Cheng spiraling.
Lan Xichen still treated him the same. A good morning kiss, and out the door ‘I love you’. But then there were things that were simply not normal for Lan Xichen: staying at work later without notifying Jiang Cheng, date nights that used to be once a week became every three, he was glued to his phone. Jiang Cheng had noticed these things and passed them off as being busy for a new quarter. Why would he jump to conclusions? Why would he suspect anything? He told himself over and over: Lan Xichen is an honorable man and had always been a great husband, he wouldn’t do anything like that.
So Jiang Cheng kept on moving, simply adjusting his schedule to Lan Xichen’s late one. He would stay up later and offered to help whenever he could. He even offered to go into the office but Lan Xichen shut him down, “That’s not necessary, A-Cheng. You have things to attend to at the house, I don’t want to stress you out with even more work things.”
But that wasn’t quite true. They didn’t have kids or pets, and after the first year, Jiang Cheng had found that managing the house was incredibly easy. He went to tea with Lan Qiren every Wednesday afternoon and went to the gym every morning, but there wasn’t much other than that. Wei Wuxian traveled and Yanli was busy with being a new mother. Jiang Cheng had gone over to see the baby and had cared for him on one other occasion, but Jins and their money. Yanli was busy, but fine without Jiang Cheng.
He learned how to cook and bake, and he tried to make things interesting for himself but there was nothing else for him to do. He was bored. He was lonely. His days blended together in monotonous minutes. Now, Lan Xichen’s work held him back three days a week, date night had turned into once a month, and most times Jiang Cheng retired to bed before he got home. They didn’t speak much anymore, the house felt cold and instead of feeling like he lived with a husband— Jiang Cheng was sure they were roommates.
In this, Jiang Cheng had tried to ask something of Lan Xichen, he saw first hand what happened with terrible communication. He wanted to be better than his parents, but Lan Xichen brushed him off with, “Work is just getting more demanding. How about you join a Mahjong group? I know other husbands and wives love those.”
So, Jiang Cheng kept up his routine. He watched as friends from college were out experiencing life. His inbox stayed empty except for pictures of A-Ling sent by Yanli or small updates on Wei Wuxian’s whereabouts sent by Lan Wangji.
Lan Xichen had promised to be home by dinner, so Jiang Cheng began cooking. Nothing too complex as the Lans kept a strict diet; Rice and boiled vegetables, he brewed tea. It was all waiting for Lan Xichen when he got home.
Jiang Cheng stared at the clock on the wall. He was done cooking by 5:30, it was edging into six. His phone dinged, making him jump.
Xichen
I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it for dinner. Problem at work.
Delivered 5:45 PM
Jiang Cheng leaned on the counter and put his head in his hands.
“It’s fine. It’s fine. I’m fine.” Jiang Cheng breathed out. He typed out an 'OK'. He didn't expect a reply.
He’s fine. He was always fine. Everything was fine. Jiang Cheng didn’t bother cleaning up the kitchen. He ate his bowl of food and retired to bed. He would deal with it in the morning. There was nothing else that could be done. Lan Xichen wouldn’t make it, he didn’t need Jiang Cheng’s dinner. He didn’t want Jiang Cheng.
Fine.
He crawled into bed without much ceremony. What was wrong with him that made Lan Xichen suddenly not want him anymore? What did he do? Jiang Cheng’s thoughts raced as he went through every possible moment that could’ve had Lan Xichen changing his mind about him. Was it their first fight? Was Jiang Cheng too needy? Was he bad in bad? Had he never satisfied Xichen? What was wrong with him?
He heard the front door open and close in the quiet house. Jiang Cheng looked over to the clock on his bedside table. Eleven-thirty. He heard footsteps on the stairs, and quickly laid back down and closed his eyes.
Lan Xichen opened the bedroom door without so much a creak, creeping into the room. His steps were light on the floor as he went to the dresser. Jiang Cheng let his eyes open a sliver in the darkness. His husband was unbuttoning his shirt, Jiang Cheng had a view of his back. He had to stifle a gasp as Lan Xichen dropped it to the ground. Even in the dark, Jiang Cheng could make out the faint scratches on his back. He shut his eyes again and willed his breathing to even out. Lan Xichen turned around to go to the bathroom.
When was the last time he and Lan Xichen even had sex? It had to be at least a month, maybe a couple days longer. He thought back to the last time. It was unenthusiastic, Lan Xichen didn’t care very much for the foreplay. It was quick and Lan Xichen went straight to take a shower afterwards. Jiang Cheng was left on his stomach in the tangled sheets, still hard.
He felt his breathing speed up again. He was panicking. He heard the shower turn on. What should he do? Jiang Cheng pulled his knees to his chest. It was okay. He was okay. He decided he wouldn’t do anything about it. It was his fault for assuming their relationship was one of love. It was his fault for making Lan Xichen pretend for so long. He heard the shower shut off, he closed his eyes and willed himself to bed before Lan Xichen could slip under the covers.