Chapter Text
2010
Lannister Circle Jerk subreddit
Welcome to r/LannisterCircleJerk. This subreddit is a snark page dedicated to pictures, news, discussions, and gossip involving the Lannister family. Please make sure to read and adhere to our rules to avoid temporary or permanent bans.
- All posts must be directly related to one or more Lannister
- No negative posts about Cersei’s underage kids
- Related: No mentions of THAT rumor, it’s offensive and tired
- Be civil or if not civil, witty
- No doxing, no piracy, no self-promotion
- No low effort or unrelated posts
- Use the spoiler flair for live sports discussion or new films
- Respect the mods
- IMPORTANT: No misleading headlines or poor sourcing. Unverified blind items must be labeled as such. (Remember, this is the most litigious family on
God’sTywin’s green earth, and you never know who’s reading)
Blind Item / Unverified
Mod: Did anyone see this yet from “Crazy Days and Nights”?
“Rumor has it that sex tape from five years ago starring Cocaine Goldilocks is for sale on the dark web to the highest bidder, starting at $2 mil. This tape is so ruinous it’s like The Ring; you die seven days after you watch it. What makes it different this time, though, is daddy’s not going to bury it for them again. Yes, I said ‘them.’ Make of that what you will.”
CerseiStan: *rolls eyes* The Cersei Lannister sex tape is a myth. It’s been debunked for years. Mods, really?
Lightbringer: It was never debunked. Like the blind says, Tywin buried it so deep in the search engine results it may as well never have existed, but stains that dark have a way of bleeding through eventually…
Justice4Marg: Sex tape, I always believed in you!
CerseiStan: It’s so annoying that it’s known as Cersei’s sex tape. What about the person having sex with her?? Why can’t it be known as that? Why does she get all the blame?
Fierce47: Because the world hates women. That or the dude is a normie, but we all know Cersei would never let a normie breathe her air space. What I want to know is, why is the tape so “ruinous”? What could possibly be that bad? Do her goldilocks look sweaty? Lol.
Justice4Marg: Yeah, I thought all publicity is good publicity. Paris Hilton and K.Kardashian rode that dick wave just fine.
Mod: Guys…I just thought of something. What if it’s Voicemail Guy! That would be hilarious! Who remembers Voicemail Guy???? And the publicity tour of shame?
LongLostLan: Who’s Voicemail Guy?
LannisterArchivist: Oh, sweet summer child. You must be new here. Allow me to explain… Unless someone else wants to do the honors? (You are in for a treat, my friend. Pull up a chair and grab some popcorn.)
CerseiStan: By all means, open the vault. But give the full context. It’s nothing without full context. LongLostLan, it was technically an answering machine microcassette tape message from her landline but obviously that’s cumbersome, hence Voicemail Guy.
Justice4Marg: You can bet she trashed every answering machine she owned that year.
LannisterArchivist: Ok, N00b, let’s go back to the year of our Lord (Tywin), 1998. A golden age of Lannister headlines. Cersei was 23 and had been nominated for a Golden Globe and a People’s Choice Award from her work the year before, but she lost out on both to Margaery Tyrell (RIP).
Justice4Marg: As well she should have.
LannisterArchivist: Opinions differ. Anyway, she was on the cover of Vogue France and gave an unhinged interview about it.
CerseiStan: To be fair, no American outlet would have been so aggressive with their questions, but the French go for the jugular in that direct way they have.
LannisterArchivist: Yeah, I remember feeling kind of bad for Cersei, but at the same time, where was her media training? Like, who talks like this?
The interviewer asked Cersei if she was “devastated” by the outcome of the Golden Globe Awards. She said, “No, why would I be? I didn’t want a supporting actress nomination, I wanted a producer nomination, so I didn’t care.” What about losing the People’s Choice award? “The lion does not concern herself with the opinions of the sheep.” Bwah! That was the only part of the article most people ever heard about. (And that’s why her nickname on one of the other gossip sites is “Lion Queen” btw.)
David Letterman dunked on her for months for that quote. For the youngsters: He’s not quite as bad now as he was then, but Dave’s style of humor was that he would beat a dead horse relentlessly. If you tuned in on a random night, you’d never get the joke, but his loyal audience would fall out of their chairs laughing.
Anyway. Now we’re getting to the good stuff. That spring, a voicemail (answering machine message cassette tape, whatever) on her phone got sent to Page Six by a maid or somebody at her and Robert’s place in the Hamptons. It was shocking. Like, news outlets had to put out a warning to their audiences before they played it, even with the bleeps in place. The reason it felt so shocking, and the reason it was newsworthy at all, was because it contrasted so hard with her image at the time.
CerseiStan: You have to remember, in ‘98, she was a newlywed, had just had her first baby, and she had done print work for like Estee Lauder UK and Ralph Lauren, so she was looked at as being fresh-faced and innocent and beautiful. People could not handle the cognitive dissonance of this scandal.
When Charlie Sheen crashes out it’s normal, but when Hugh Grant gets caught with prostitutes, everyone freaks out, right? It’s all about your public-facing image being reinforced or shattered. It’s the hypocrisy they hate, more than the specific details. Sharks smelled blood in the water.
LannisterArchivist: Today it would probably be in and out of the news cycle much faster. But back then, everyone watched the same late-night TV and news shows, so if something made the headlines, everyone saw it.
Speculation about who had left that recording for her was a party game. She went into hiding in the south of France and wouldn’t respond to the press at all.
That summer, Jaime Lannister received a red card for head-butting an Argentine player in the 1998 FIFA World Cup Round of 16. The incident led to England losing on penalties, and turned Jaime into a national scapegoat and target of intense public abuse. In the U.S. we don’t really get how big of a story that was because we aren’t soccer fanatics like in Europe and the rest of the world. But it was a huge deal, and the British press is, like the French, worse than the U.S. when it comes to demolishing their public figures. They do not give a fuck.
Photographers followed him day and night, demanding he atone and asking why he’d done it. He only answered once, but once was enough. “He disrespected my sister.” Unfortunately, that kept the voicemail in the headlines even longer because the assumption was the Argentine player had taunted Jaime about Cersei’s leaked voice message.
By answering that way, not only had Jaime inadvertently set up Cersei to share the “blame” for England’s loss, but he’d alerted the rest of the world to the best way to get a rise out of him, on the field or off. He was baited by football fans everywhere he went. His exploits were in the Daily Mail all summer and I think he got charged with three or four drunk-and-disorderly assaults by September.
CerseiStan: That’s when Cersei came out of hiding and took charge of the H.M.S. Lannister. She got herself booked on Letterman and turned the MF’ing ship around.
LannisterArchivist: My niece said they teach it in PR classes to this day!
CerseiStan: It was a masterful example of re-gaining control of the narrative and turning bad press into an advantage. You can see clips on YouTube, linked below.
Lightbringer: I’m at work, can’t watch. Transcript?
CerseiStan: I got you.
LongLostLan: Thanks!
Transcript: THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
CBS Network, 11:35p.m., Thursday, September 1998. Cersei Lannister’s first appearance on the Late Show.
David Letterman: [stands on stage, reads from his notecard] Welcome back to the show. My next guest is model-actress-savannah-dweller Cersei Lannister. Did I pronounce that right?
[Dave flicks his notecard behind him, to the sound effect of broken glass. Cersei enters, they exchange cheek kisses and walk to Dave’s desk and sit.]
David Letterman: Hey, how are ya, nice to see ya, you look lovely. Isn’t she lovely folks, look at that gold dress. So, I have one main question for you--
Cersei: Can I answer how I am, first?
David Letterman: No, because I don’t really care.
[Audience laughs.]
Cersei: I’m not well, Dave. I’m not well.
David Letterman: And why is that?
Cersei: My horse is dying.
David Letterman: Your horse—
Cersei: Yes, she’s been dying all summer.
David Letterman: I’m sorry to hear that. What is she dying of?
Cersei: I don’t know, I’m not a horse doctor. [Leans closer.] I suspect slow-motion murder.
[Audience titters.]
Cersei: But you can ask your other question now.
David Letterman: Oh, can I? Thank you very much. Earlier this year, you gave an interview to, uh, French Vogue--
Cersei: I didn’t take you for a fashion magazine fan--
David Letterman: It was hard to avoid this one. Believe me, I tried.
[Audience laughs.]
David Letterman: And you said, quote, “The lion does not concern herself with the opinions of the sheep.”
[audience hoots]
David Letterman: First of all, I want to give you a chance to—because—did you really say that? Or was it lost in translation and this was all some kind of plot by the French to make you sound like Marie Antoinette? Is this all a big misunderstanding?
Cersei: As an Englishwoman, I think we should always blame the French, but no, I really did say that.
David Letterman: For God’s sake, why?
[audience laughs]
Cersei: I did it for you, Dave. [Leans over, pats his hand.] I had heard you were running low on material. I wanted to give you something with legs, that you could return to again and again.
[audience chuckles]
Cersei: But my generosity doesn’t end there. Oh no. I brought you a gift.
David Letterman: A gift? Pour moi?
Cersei: That horse I mentioned, her name is also Cersei, and as I said, sadly she’s not long for this world.
[Cersei stands and snaps her fingers twice. From stage left, two horse handlers walk out, leading a gorgeous, real-life chestnut mare, wearing a sash. The sash reads CERSEI on it. One of the handlers gives Cersei a switch as he walks past.
Dave looks genuinely shocked, as the horse passes his desk and goes to stand on the other side of the stage. Dave is speechless.]
Cersei: So, I wanted you to have her. That way, when she dies, you can continue to beat her.
[Cersei hands Dave the switch. The audience goes nuts. Dave laughs, and wipes his eyes.]
[Commercial Break.]
[When the show comes back, the horse is gone, Dave’s back behind his desk, and Cersei sits in her chair again, but the vibe is different, looser. Dave whispers in Cersei’s ear, they both smile and laugh. He pats her hand.]
David Letterman: [looks offstage] What am I supposed to do with that horse?
Cersei: I’m sure you can find a stupid pet trick for her to do. Or you could mount a camera on her head.
David Letterman: Folks, that was not planned. She arranged that with one of my producers without my knowledge. Which, frankly, terrifies me.
Cersei: I thought about a punching bag with my face on it, but it didn’t have the same panache.
David Letterman: If there’s one word I’d use to describe this program, it’s “panache.” Now that I know what you’re capable of, I’m wondering if I should even do this next segment…
Cersei: It’s okay, you can tell them. Break the fourth wall.
David Letterman: [faces the camera directly] In the business of show, sometimes lawyers get involved. It’s true. For example, I was told if I wanted Cersei to come on the ol’ program, I wouldn’t be allowed to ask her about the answering machine message, and I agreed.
[audience boos]
David Letterman: Oh, relax. Obviously, I lied.
[audience cheers]
David Letterman: Worldwide Pants has deep pockets. Get it, Pants, pockets…? But now the horse stunt has given me pause.
Cersei: But just now, I said go for it. Now that we’re friends.
David Letterman: Right. So. Ms. Lannister.
Cersei: Yes, Dave?
David Letterman: I’m going to play a message that was—allegedly—recorded on your answering machine…
[audience explodes]
David Letterman: …for all the fine people here in the studio, and all the fine viewers at home, and once I’m done, I’m hoping you’ll identify the owner of the voice.
Cersei: [sips her water] I’m not sure what you’re referring to. One gets so many messages.
David Letterman: [chuckles] Maybe this will jog your memory. Folks, it’s a doozy. Send the kids to bed, and hold your loved ones close.
[Dave brings out a prop phone & tape deck onto his desk and hits PLAY. From the loudspeakers:]
MALE VOICE, British Accent, Drunken: Cers, you were so--*BLEEP*! Ugggghhhh the way you were *BLEEP* on my *BLEEP* in the back of the limo, every time we hit a speedbump—and then when you *BLEEP*! I haven’t *BLEEP* that hard since we were sixteen and you surprised me in the shower. *BLEEP*, I love how no one knows you the way I do, how you look like a *BLEEP*ing angel but you *BLEEP-BLEEP-BLEEP-BLEEEEEEP* like a demon.
[audience screams, gasps]
David Letterman: [is now puffing on a cigar] Is it getting hot in here? [he loosens his necktie]
Cersei: [covers her face] I’ve never heard such filth in all my life.
David Letterman: That makes two of us.
Cersei: But it wasn’t meant for me. It was a wrong number. It wasn’t meant for me.
David Letterman: Oh, I see. It was intended for a different Cersei. Because it’s such a common name.
Cersei: [laughs] It is, where I’m from. They even name their horses that.
[audience laughs]
David Letterman: Your real answer, to all of America, is that it was a crank call intended for someone else.
Cersei: Yes. I can prove it. When I was sixteen, I was at boarding school year-round, so--
David Letterman: They don’t have showers at boarding school?
Cersei: They don’t have boys at boarding school. Not the one I went to, anyway.
David Letterman: And which school was that?
Cersei: St. Mary's, Ascot. Although I don’t think they want to be associated with me anymore.
David Letterman: Can’t think why.
Cersei: Am I allowed to say “wanker”?
David Letterman: You can say whatever you want.
Cersei: But will “wanker” be bleeped? Have we exceeded our bleeps?
David Letterman: No, it’s too British.
Cersei: Some wanker got hold of my phone number and is having a laugh at my expense.
David Letterman: You know what I think? I think if it were forty years ago, you'd be the femme fatale in a Hitchcock film.
Cersei: I would be? … Or I'd be acting in it?
David Letterman: Doesn’t matter.
[audience laughs]
David Letterman: Your stance is that it wasn’t meant for you. Okay. But it’s still worth asking, what do you do like a demon?
Cersei: Um. [laughs] File my tax returns?
[audience laughs]
David Letterman: And that leads us to tonight’s Top Ten List. Take it away, if you would be so kind.
[he hands her his notecards, and Paul Shaffer and the band start up a drumroll]
Cersei: [clears throat] “Top Ten Things Cersei Lannister is a demon at. Number ten…”
[David Letterman’s Top Ten List is the intellectual property of Worldwide Pants, copyright 1998, redacted]
David Letterman: Sincerest apologies to Elvis Costello, but we’ve run out of time. And that’s our show, folks. [kisses Cersei’s hand, pulls her in closer] Come back anytime. We’d love to see you again whenever you’re in town.
End Transcript.
Lannister Circle Jerk subreddit
LongLostLan: That was interesting, thanks for sharing it. Dave’s in love with her by the end.
CerseiStan: She was willing to poke fun at herself and I don't think he expected that. He thought she’d be vapid, or take things too seriously.
Lightbringer: And nobody ever figured out who Voicemail Guy was?
LannisterArchivist: If it were today, internet sleuths would probably use voice-recognition software or something, but it just kind of faded out and got overshadowed by other things.
CerseiStan: Based on the boarding school mention, and the circles she ran in, some people think it was Rhaegar Targaryen or Oberyn Martell, but the accent doesn’t fit for Oberyn, so… ?
Mod: Guys. GUYS. The blind item just got updated. From “Crazy Days and Nights”:
“It’s not just a sex tape. It’s a snuff film.”
To be continued…