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Ashley wakes with a start. Hair clings to her forehead and the sides of her face with sweat as her breath comes out in short, frantic gasps. The vision of her nightmare still fresh in mind, she can feel her whole body shaking.
They get worse every night— to the point where she's almost afraid to go to sleep at times. But she does, and the first few hours aren't typically bad. It's when she's sound asleep that they begin.
Oftentimes, she finds herself back in Spain, experiencing some new horrific scenario each night. From reliving the moment she was kidnapped, to running through the dark village as rain pours down; dodging parasite-possessed suits of armor, or coughing up blood and holding Leon's knife to her throat… They were all familiar to her, just with differences here and there that kept the fear fresh. Lately, however, most of them involved Leon— and usually ended with her hurting him in one way or another.
Those were the worst of them.
Forcing herself to calm down, she wrenches her eyes shut and attempts to take deep, slow breaths. It was just a nightmare. It wasn't real. She tells herself, gripping at the comforter. She goes through this same routine every night until she's either able to fall asleep again, or eventually realizes that it's pointless, and just lies awake until her alarm goes off. She often muses that at the very least, it happens when there's only about two hours left before then, anyway.
Finally starting to relax, she opens her eyes. Sitting up, she looks around her room, seeing what she expects to see: not crazed villagers or cultists, deranged, creepy little men or hulking, towering chieftains— just her belongings, unmoved from where they were when she went to bed earlier in the night. Eyes landing on the group of photos that are taped to her wall on the other side of the room, Ashley can just make out some of the smiling faces of her friends and family.
Smiling slightly to herself, she thinks how grateful she is that they've been such a big help during all of this. Her parents do everything they can to comfort her, no matter how busy they are. Her father will take as much time as he can out of his (very) busy schedule to just spend time with her. In fact, she's probably seen more of him in the last month and a half than she has the last few years. And her mother will often bring her things, like her favorite tea or a nice bowl of soup. Ashley hasn't been willing to say much about the incident, but they're understanding of that, and always listen when she does want to talk.
Her friends have been wonderful, too. Out of everyone that she can count as a friend, the closest two, Jenna and Megan, have been so thoughtful and kind. They don't treat her any differently after everything that's happened, which is more than she can ask for. Ashley couldn't tell them anything even if she wanted to (and she does, sometimes), but they also thankfully understand. And Veronica Sheppard, the agent who's more like a sister to her than anything, has been taking extra posts lately to be with her. Though Ashley often wants to tell her that she doesn't need to, she appreciates knowing that Veronica's there more. Besides, she has the feeling that if she were to try and say anything, Veronica would just brush her off and keep doing it anyway.
Therapy has also been helping, to an extent. The only real issue being that Ashley still has a hard time opening up about everything. It's gotten at least a little bit easier, though. And her therapist is a good listener, who will usually offer up good advice.
That doesn't necessarily make it easier in moments like this, however.
Ashley sighs. Rubbing her eyes, she looks to the alarm clock on her nightstand. 3:28 AM. Sighing again, she draws her knees to her chest and lays her head down on top of them. She loves her friends and family, but there's really only one person she wants to talk to more than anyone right now: Leon.
Not just to hear his voice again, but to ensure that he's safe and okay, and that her nightmare hadn't somehow crossed over into reality. Of course, she knows that’s impossible; but things have a way of feeling all too possible when she wakes from a terror such as she did tonight.
He had promised to her when they parted that he would keep in touch, and he had kept his word. The last time they saw each other was three weeks ago, when they'd gone out to lunch. Not as a date, but as two friends—partners—getting together to just talk and see one another. She was pleased to see that he looked a lot better than he had the last time she saw him, with his (visible) bruises and more minor scars fading. From what she could tell, it seemed that even the worst of the injuries were healing relatively well. There were still a few bandages here and there, but overall, it would be hard to believe that he'd even gone through all that he did if she hadn't seen it for herself.
They'd spoken more recently, a week ago, after she'd received the results on her history exam. It was the first one since being back, and Ashley had been more nervous than usual about it. Studying had proved somewhat difficult, since she found that she couldn't focus as easily as before. Regardless, she put all her effort into it, and it had paid off in the end: she scored a B, which typically wouldn't satisfy her; but after everything that had happened, she was more than happy with it. Leon was happy, too, congratulating her and saying they should get together again to celebrate. They haven't made any plans yet, but Ashley is content with his pride in her.
Nonetheless, she really misses his comforting presence. Especially in times like this.
Grabbing her phone off the nightstand, she flips it open. Before she even really knows what she's doing, she finds herself scrolling through her contacts until she spots what she's looking for. Selecting the contact, she opens messages and begins typing.
Stopping suddenly, she bites her lip. Is this a good idea? She asks herself. Contacting people in the middle of the night was generally frowned upon, after all. But she can still clearly see the images of her dream in her mind, and the thought of trying to go back to sleep or just sit awake without first at least hearing his familiar, soothing voice, makes her feel uneasy.
Shaking her head, Ashley hits send before she can change her mind.
A: Hey, are you awake?
A few minutes pass, and all the while Ashley feels her heart racing again— though, for a different reason this time. Finally, her phone softly chimes.
L: Yeah, what's up?
Relief immediately washing over her, she quickly types out another message.
A: Is it okay if I call?
A few seconds.
L: Sure.
Exhaling the breath she didn't even realize she was holding, she goes back to the contact screen and selects the call button. It rings a few times, and then she hears his voice on the other end.
“Hey,” Leon says in a quiet tone. “Hey,” Ashley responds similarly. A few beats of silence pass. “Sorry, I hope I didn't wake you.” She says, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She's glad to be talking to him, but at the same time, she can't help feeling worried that she's somehow bothering him. Almost as if sensing this, he speaks softly. “No, don't worry about it; I was already awake.” Ashley blinks. She has an idea as to why he was already awake, and it makes her heart ache.
“Everything alright?” He asks, pulling her out of her thoughts. “Yeah, it's just…” she starts, and then pauses. Should she really be piling her own problems onto him? He has enough worries of his own, and she doesn't think it fair to give him more. “Nightmare?” He asks simply, knowingly, and she stills; he understands—of course he does—and he wouldn't push her away over this. He's in the same boat as her. They're in this together. She nods, as if he can see her, and mumbles “Mhmm.”
A few more moments of silence. “You wanna talk about it?” Leon questions, and Ashley bites her lip. “Would that help?” She asks back, and there's no response. She sits, swallowing thickly as she waits. “I don't know,” he says finally, and there's a hint of uncertain realization to his quiet tone. “Do you think it would?” He implores, and she finds herself freezing.
Two thoughts immediately come to her: one, that he has just as little experience talking about these things with someone as she does, which makes her heart ache for another moment; and two, that she's honestly not sure if talking about it would help or not. For some reason, she feels as though outwardly acknowledging it would only make it feel more real to her. Her therapist had told her that she would have to face some of these feelings head on if she was to overcome them. But it feels too soon for this— everything is still fresh in her mind, and she isn't ready to relive it quite yet. So instead, she asks him, “What do you do when this happens?”
She hears him sigh on the other end. “I guess I just do things to help take my mind off it.” He says after a minute, and she notes the weariness in his voice, like he was all too familiar with this feeling. She is sure he was.
“Like what?” She asks, hoping he might have some helpful pointers on how to better handle this situation. “Like working out, mostly. I read sometimes, too.” He tells her, and she imagines him relentlessly pushing himself on an elliptical, gritting his teeth as he wills the nightmares away; or sitting in a comfy recliner, book in one hand and mug of coffee in the other. She wonders what kind of books he likes to read. “Does it work?” She asks him, subconsciously fiddling with the corner of her comforter. “Yes, and no. I think it just helps to do something in the moment.” He replies, and she finds herself nodding again.
As they sit in comfortable silence, occasionally hearing the other's quiet, soft breaths, Ashley lets his words sink in. Maybe that's why she almost never feels better after she has a bad dream; she doesn't do anything (besides stare at the ceiling as she gets lost in her thoughts). Perhaps doing something more productive, whether it be exercising or reading or anything really, might actually help to ease her mind and make her temporarily forget.
Temporarily… Would she ever truly be able to move past this? Would Leon?
She decides to ask him this. “Does it ever stop?” She whispers, almost afraid to speak any louder. For a moment, he doesn't say anything, and she fears he didn't hear her. Then, a short sigh; “No,” he tells her, earnest and straightforward. She blinks repeatedly, taking a deep, shuddering breath. This may not be the answer she wants, but it's the one she needs.
“But it does get easier.” He says a second later, voice even with the same gentle sureness that he displayed in Spain, after she attacked him and ran off. Despite that, he had nevertheless sought her out and comforted her, making her feel safe, and filling her with the courage she needed to go on. The same could be said for now.
Her heart swells with emotion; no matter how hard things would get, how miserable she could feel, she knows that he will always be there for her, anchoring her to the present and offering the honest support she requires.
“Leon—” she starts, words on the tip of her tongue, but she holds them back; there are so many things that she wants to say to him, but just can't. Maybe someday, when she was a little more whole again, she would be able to. “Thank you.” She settles on, closing her eyes and letting out a soft breath.
“Anytime.” He responds kindly, and she can't help but smile; he's done more for her in this brief time over the phone than he could possibly ever know.
“Goodnight, Leon.” Ashley finally says, savoring these last moments with him. “Goodnight, Baby Eagle.” Leon replies, and she laughs softly. She always loved when he called her by her code name.
Making a mental note to call him ‘Condor One’ at the next opportunity, she waits a few more seconds until she hears the soft beep that tells her he ended the call.
Secretly grateful that she didn't have to be the one to do it, she snaps her phone shut and sets it back upon the bedside table. Sitting with her eyes closed and a smile on her face, Ashley shakes her head softly; Leon is still saving her— even from her own nightmares. She supposes that he always will, though he no longer has any obligation to. And that, along with many other reasons, is why she loves him.