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It starts with an argument, or rather it ends with one. The actual start can be traced back to Alhaitham, lounging on a divan with a book in his hand after a particularly tiring day doing a job he doesn’t want in a position he didn’t ask for. It is also Kaveh, bright and brilliant, but also loud, which is how the argument first comes to be in the first place.
There is something in his animated monologue about a client or maybe multiple, but Alhaitham is tired and he’s been around people for more than would have been ideal for this particular Thursday afternoon, so he cannot be blamed for turning on his sound-proof headpieces for some highly sought after peace and quiet or so he reasons, right as Kaveh turns to him in expectation of a response. Alhaitham offers a slight hum in reply hoping it’s enough to pacify his fiery roommate, but based on the frown on Kaveh’s lips and the scrunch of his nose it’s far from what is expected of him in this case. And so it goes.
Kaveh, bright and brilliant and angry in his passion, who looks just a little silly gesticulating with his perfectly manicured hands and Alhaitham trying not to smile at how content he feels here in their house, bathed in the artificial silence, with the late afternoon sun pouring in through the stained glass windows, painting the room in hues of green and red. How tragic it is then, that for all his genius, Kaveh has never been good at reading minds. The corner of Alhaitham’s lips twitches and that seems to be more than enough for all hell to break loose.
'I’m glad my misfortune brings you so much amusement.'
Kaveh all but spits out, the force of his anger bleeding through once Alhaitham finally deigns to take off his headpieces.
It doesn’t, not really. Despite the common belief, Alhaitham is not a heartless person, merely practical. He knows how hard Kaveh’s been working to pay off his debts and be acknowledged by his peers, but he also knows Kaveh’s kindness is, in the end, his own undoing. A refused payment for a project completed here, a night of drinking at Lambad’s after a particularly nasty client there and Kaveh seems nowhere closer to reaching his goals than when he started. It’s become a frequently debated point in their arguments often ending in slammed doors and Kaveh out of the house for the evening - to drown his sorrows in a cup of wine more often than not. This argument seems to be no different, and so, Alhaitham puts the book down and faces his destiny.
'It is difficult to feel sorry for you when your misfortune is so often of your own making, senior.'
Two ruby eyes light up in previously disguised fury and Alhaitham suddenly regrets ever opening his mouth.
'Is that what you really think?!' Kaveh shouts, his hands turning white at his sides with how hard he’s clenching them into fists.
Despite how loud and angry it is, Alhaitham can’t help but find him beautiful. Kaveh, for all his virtues, is ultimately a victim of his emotions. When he feels it is always with his whole heart and when it comes to Alhaitham the feeling is often tripled in size, especially when it’s negative, which it often is.
'I think that if you spent half the time you waste on others, taking care of yourself instead, we wouldn’t have to come back to this conversation every other day.' Alhaitham replies calmly, uncrossing his legs and forcing his body to relax in an attempt to diffuse the tension surrounding them both. 'That, and you’d probably be more successful in your efforts to achieve those goals you can't stop talking about.' he adds quietly.
'And those would be…?' Kaveh crosses his arms expectantly, glancing Alhaitham’s way, and what a glory it is, to be in the center of this brilliant man’s attention. Alhaitham fears the day when that’s no longer the case.
'Paying off your debt, I’d assume.' he replies steadily while feeling anything but. 'Leaving this place' he tacks on at the end with his voice barely above a whisper, like he’s trying not to manifest it into existence.
'So this is what it’s about…' Kaveh trails off, a sad exhale of a laugh slipping past his lips and all the fight leaving his body along with it. 'I guess I should’ve seen it coming.'
Kaveh’s been talking about it more recently - moving out. Including it into their arguments when they get particularly heated. It’s hard not to notice, even harder not to take it to heart as the truth. As such, Alhaitham’s learnt not to flinch every time the topic gets brought up, Kaveh often says things he doesn’t mean in the midst of his anger, and this time doesn’t seem that much different from the others. That is until he hears him mumbling under his nose, eyes downturned.
'...I guess I will.'
Alhaitham freezes. This may not be the first time the conversation took this particular turn, but Kaveh has never threatened to leave before quite so seriously. Not on such a short notice. Usually it’s vague musings about how insufferable Alhaitham is on that specific day for not putting his books back on their respective shelves or bringing home another atrocious piece of furniture. This - Alhaitham doesn’t know how to deal with whatever this is that they find themselves in now. So he panics.
'And where would you even go exactly? And with what Mora?' His voice is calm, but his heart and mind are anything but.
Kaveh dares a glance at his face and replies with all the confidence he doesn’t have. 'I’m sure Lambad will let me stay on the second floor for a couple of weeks just like he did after the Palace. That is until I find something better'.
The answer is weak, but the look on Kaveh’s face is a determined one. Alhaitham withers inside.
'And if you don’t? What then?' He asks because this isn’t real, Kaveh isn’t really thinking about leaving in the middle of a random Thursday, after the same argument they’ve had hundreds of times before to no consequence.
He appears to be proven wrong.
Kaveh turns on his heel and grabs his cape from where it’s been laying atop one of the divans.
'That should be of no concern to you, seeing how eager you are to see me go.' Kaveh answers, bitter words making their way past his lips. 'I’ll be out of your hair by the morning'. And with that, Alhaitham is left alone. The door to the guest room, where Kaveh’s been staying, closes and the house falls to silence. Vaguely, Alhaitham makes out his voice, muffled by the door. Instructions seemingly given to Mehrak to start packing. His heart sinks.
Before he can even think about what he’s doing, Alhaitham’s out the door. For once, he’s the one running away after a fight. Fleeing the one place that’s always been safe, escaping the one person that after his grandmother’s passing made it feel that way. Alhaitham’s heart is beating out of his chest matching his brisk pace, his feet taking him off and away towards the outskirts of Sumeru. He realises slowly that this might be it. A random fight on a random Thursday, this is what it finally takes for Kaveh to walk out of his life. Alhaitham starts walking faster.
The weather is perfect. The warm summer air, the sounds of laughter that follow Alhaitham as he’s leaving the city. It’s all wearing him down; the pleasantness of the outside world in stark opposition to his own inner turmoil. That and the tumultuous thoughts of everything he’s ever known suddenly changing, maybe forever. Alhaitham isn’t so foolish to believe that things can always stay the same as much as he loathes it. His routines, the familiarity of places and people he keeps close are the things that give his life a sense of stability. Stability that’s now being taken apart by the seams, the collapse that Alhaitham is in no small part responsible for himself.
His feet lead him down a well trodden path up north, through the Dharma forest and for all its beauty, Alhaitham instead keeps his eyes on the ground before him. It’s quieter here, away from the hustle and bustle of Sumeru city. The sun is slowly setting behind the horizon, lengthening his shadow and tempering the oppressive heat that tries to make its way down Alhaitham's shirt.
He thinks about how Kaveh tends to overheat. Alhaitham has been called out of work multiple times due to Kaveh landing himself in Bimarstan with a heatstroke from one of his desert expeditions. Later he told Alhaitham that it was because he didn’t bring enough water to survive the desert heat. When Alhaitham left the room, he was approached by a group of guilty looking scholars claiming to have been on the same expedition. That’s how he found out that Kaveh gave away most of his rations to others and was left with nothing for himself amidst the desert heat. It started another explosive fight between them as soon as Kaveh was released from the hospital and they ended up not talking for over a week, neither of them admitting fault.
That was likely the crux of the issue with them. Pride.
To Alhaitham knowledge is the most sacred thing in the world. It doesn’t bend to the whims of others. It can be molded and shaped, yes, but in its truest form it’s a rock that refuses to budge, the stability he so much craves. On the other hand, Kaveh is the complete antithesis of it. Whereas he too pursues knowledge, he’s so much more susceptible to emotion and feeling, swept away by whims and bouts of passion. Kaveh, overwhelmed by emotion, is an incredible sight, yes, but watching him give up pieces of himself to anyone who cares to notice, never taking anything for himself devastates Alhaitham; his concern translating poorly into words that end up hurting them both.
Alhaitham would give him the world if Kaveh didn’t perceive everything as a debt to be repaid later. And so, he doesn’t say ‘I love you’ for it would be just another burden for Kaveh to shoulder.
Alhaitham’s steps halt and the forest parts before a magnificent view in front of him. ‘How foolish’ he thinks ‘to try and escape him just to end up here.’
There, bathed in the last rays of sunlight stands a testament to Kaveh’s resilience.
Alhaitham has only visited The Palace once before. Years ago, he recalls hearing Kaveh’s name on the lips of students wandering the House of Daena. Something about a grand palace outside the city, the Withering and a blonde Kshahrewar left without a single Mora to his name. Never one to partake in idle gossip, he set out to see it for himself, and now, after almost half a decade, he stands in front of it once again, Kaveh’s bleeding heart laid out on the tile beneath the grand building in front of him.
The ground is cool and damp with evening dew when Alhaitham finally sits down and once again fixes his gaze upon the view ahead. It truly is beautiful. Alhaitham can almost hear Kaveh’s voice describing every detail as his eyes sweep over jagged corners and smooth surfaces alike. It's happened before, in the privacy of their home - in the rare moments of quiet when they were both too tired to trade barbed words and veiled insults as an attempt to talk to each other. Kaveh’s calming voice echoing between the walls, filling the space with life.
Here, surrounded by everything Kaveh, he lets his thoughts wander. They were both truly horrible at anything resembling peace at first. Personalities larger than Teyvat, clashing at every turn. Alhaitham likes to think that time has made them softer around the edges, that it’s taught them patience. Their arguments no longer last for weeks on end, but they still struggle with words. For being a Haravatat graduate, Alhaitham is awfully bad at communication. Kaveh being Kaveh doesn’t make it any easier for him in that regard. Instead of lengthy apologies after their fights they settle for exchanging knowing looks when passing each other in the kitchen. Alhaitham brings him bowls of fruit when Kaveh’s up late working on a project and Kaveh offers a tentative smile and a cup of herbal tea when Alhaitham comes back from work overstimulated and refusing to talk. They’ve been doing better at this strange cohabitation, this unnamed bond they share and maybe that’s why fights like these affect them so much more than before.
By the time Alhaitham returns to Sumeru city it’s early morning. The streets are empty and quiet, the air chilly still. The house looks asleep when he unlocks the door and steps through the threshold, taking care to make as little noise as possible.
His efforts appear to have been unnecessary. Kaveh is awake, standing still in their kitchen, his eyes glued to the window with a cup of tea steaming in his hands. Plates of what Alhaitham presumes to be yesterday’s dinner lay covered on the table. It makes his heart prick with guilt.
A floorboard creaks under Alhaitham’s feet as he steps further into the room and Kaveh flinches as if burned, head turning slowly, ruby eyes finally meeting Alhaitham’s head on.
‘You're back.’
‘I thought you left.’
They both speak at the same time and then the house is silent again. Alhaitham’s eyes fall to Kaveh’s hands, to the nails bitten and uneven. Kaveh breaks first.
‘It seems you’ve beaten me to it.’ he says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘Don't tell me you’ve picked up my drinking habits as well.’
He looks so small like this, nothing like the Light of Kshahrewar the whole of Sumeru sees during the waking hours. Alhaitham focuses on his face and there are bags under his eyes, so dark in the low morning light. He probably couldn’t fall asleep either.
‘No, that’s still your thing.’ Alhaitham hears himself speak, the words calm and measured, though his mind feels far away - looking at the tussled blond hair and tired eyes and anxious fingers that twist in Kaveh’s shirt.
‘At least one of us is capable of making good decisions.’ Kaveh trails off with a sad uptick to his lips and turns to the window again.
'Am I a bother?’
Now it’s Alhaitham who’s flinching, whose hands clench at his sides. His heart aches at the way Kaveh asks like he truly doesn't know the answer; like he’s blind to his own brilliance, like Alhaitham didn’t just spend hours staring at the proof of his genius.
He gives himself a moment to process Kaveh’s words. He’s assumed to be a burden to Alhaitham numerous times before, but it was never posed as a question. Alhaitham tentatively lets himself hope.
‘No, never.’ Telling the truth is easy. Alhaitham has never been in the habit of lying. He isn’t planning on starting now.
Alhaitham can see the way Kaveh’s body relaxes at those words. He turns to face Alhaitham again, his back against the counter, and sighs.
‘I’m tired, Haitham.’
He looks tired. Exhausted even. Despite it all, the nickname makes Alhaitham’s heart beat faster. Kaveh hasn’t used it to address him since their Akademiya days.
‘I’m so tired of fighting with you and hating myself over it...’ Kaveh rubs the bridge of his delicate nose and continues, ‘but I don’t know how to talk to you without it turning into a fight. I don’t know what you want from me... Alhaitham, I’m so scared... all the time.’ His hands return to the front of his shirt, trembling.
‘I remember it being so simple before, you know...?’ he laughs, sad and broken and so so loveable. Alhaitham aches for him ‘I wish it was simple still.’
Kaveh falls silent then, eyes on his hands, fingers picking on the skin around the nails.
He's anxious; he said he’s scared too. Alhaitham itches to grab and hold onto him, laying his desires bare, but deep down he knows this isn't the time to be selfish. They’re finally talking about this, so he needs to be present; needs to make sure Kaveh knows and understands that there isn’t a part of him that isn’t Kaveh’s too.
There will be time later to make up for all the missed touches, hopefully. If Kaveh allows. If he has the heart to spare a piece of it for Alhaitham too.
Alhaitham inhales and finally speaks, words careful, measured. He wants to get this right; if not, he fears he might not get another chance.
‘You’re not a bother, Kaveh.’ he says and hears a breath hitch in Kaveh’s throat at that.
‘I know I can be difficult to be around at times, and I don’t always consider how my words will be perceived, but you must know that I never use them with the intent to hurt you.’
Alhaitham swallows through the stones in his throat and continues, fear now gripping his bones, making his voice waver.
‘You’re not a bother because your presence is wanted. Letting you stay here does not come with an expiration date nor is it a favour that begets repayment. This house is as much yours as it is mine, I always intended for it to be.’
It is quiet when he finishes speaking, the silence only interrupted by their uneven breathing. Alhaitham’s usually steady mind begins to spiral, embarrassment replacing the overwhelming sense of fear.
He hasn't been this vulnerable with Kaveh since they were kids. He doesn’t know what happens next. Alhaitham so very rarely feels this way, it makes his skin crawl.
But this is Kaveh. The magnanimous, ever-forgiving, ever-loving Kaveh. He who gives to everyone and takes from no one. He, who now pushes away from the counter and steps forward to meet Alhaitham on even footing, tentative and quiet, warm fingertips brushing against Alhaitham’s cool ones.
‘So what happens now?’ Kaveh whispers softly, only for Alhaitham to hear, fingers cautiously slotting into empty spaces between his, trembling in fear of rejection. Alhaitham lets him.
‘Do you still wish to leave?’ he asks because he needs to know, because he wants to let himself hope.
Kaveh lets out an amused huff that could be a laugh if given time and patience and love, then shakes his head, his eyes glittering with the light of the rising sun. Alhaitham feels warm inside, so full of love for this man.
‘I never actually wanted to leave, you know...' he sounds shy when he says it, his cheeks dusted pink. 'Do you want me to?’
There's a tinge of worry in Kaveh's question and Alhaitham's heart is warm with the care so plainly woven into it. How has he not noticed it before?
He quickly shakes his head in response; the action mirroring Kaveh's just moments prior.
Here stands his only equal. For once, Alhaitham feels lost for words as rare as it is for him, overwhelmed by all the love unspoken, but so clearly felt in this private moment between them. Rather than speaking it into existence, Alhaitham holds Kaveh’s hand tighter, moving his thumb back and forth across the soft skin. He's waited this long, he can be patient for a little while longer.
‘Then I guess I’ll stay.’ The words land with the air of finality and obvious relief. When Alhaitham looks at Kaveh again, he's smiling. It feels good to know that Alhaitham put that smile there; that Kaveh chooses to stay with him in this home they’ve built. The home they will continue building together.
He doesn’t say that yet though. There will be time to make up for these feelings they've kept hidden. For now, Alhaitham squeezes Kaveh’s fingers tighter, as his heart trembles in his chest; as it beats a thumping relieved finally.
'Okay.'