Archive of Our Own

Iris had lived for someone else for her entire life. For a long time, it was for her sister Dahlia, and then, for a brief moment, for the college student who captured her heart unexpectedly. She still lived for them long after Dahlia was sent to prison and the college student graduated and went on to live his own life. Even after that, she lived to be weighed down by the sins she committed for Dahlia, sins that hurt that kind soul she hadn't meant to grow so attached to.

Since being released from prison, the air felt like a limited luxury, something that could be swiftly taken away when she least expected it. Who was allowing her to breathe that air now? What purpose did her taking in that air serve?

Though Sister Bikini welcomed her back at Hazakura Temple with open arms, she knew the moment she stepped back on those snowy mountains that she would not stay. Like always, her time there meant strings, even if they were kinder than the ones she tied herself in her teens. At Hazakura, her life was for the head nun Bikini, for the mediums in training she served, for anyone but herself, but the time behind bars and the events that unfolded before then cracked something open within her soul. She had earned her time in that prison, she knew that, but she had been in one her whole life, and she let those cages be constructed and keep her in that guilt, in that belief that she had to be of use in order to prove her worth.

But with Dahlia gone, her tie to the now grown college student cleanly and amicably unraveled, and her sins fully confessed and paid for, all of the bars in her life were truly gone. Her life was hers for the first time, and she really didn't know what to do with it. She had to figure out who she was, what her life would look like when she wasn't living it for someone else.

What she did know, though, was she needed to move to the city. Experience more life, connect with people, see everything with new eyes. She didn't need anything glamorous, a vision of a life turned around with constant excitement or wealth. She just wanted a life, and for the first time, that seemed like something she could attain.

So when she unpacked her few bags in her new apartment in the city, she didn't dread climbing up the rickety staircase to get there or seeing the empty walls or feeling the rumble of the train just outside her window. Everything was an opportunity now, and she couldn't wait to seize as many as she could.

There was one opportunity in particular that she desperately wanted to take, despite the nerves in her chest and the voice in her head insisting that she didn't deserve it. Now, with the reasons for secrets and isolation well in the past, everything was out in the open. She had a real life waiting for her in the future, and there were certain people she wanted to be a part of it. She knew she couldn't possibly repair everything that was broken, not after everything she had done and after everything everyone had been through, but now at the very least, she had a cousin and a little sister that she would love to get to know.

"Thank you for inviting me over, Maya."

Iris took a careful seat on the couch in front of the TV as Maya marched over with a bowl full of chips.

It wasn't difficult to find a way to spend time with Maya. When she heard Iris had never seen the Steel Samurai, she practically begged her to do a marathon with her. Not that she needed the desperate asks, though; she was just glad to do something with her. Iris was genuinely excited that Maya wanted to share something that brought her so much joy, and she hoped she would be able to share in that joy with her.

"Please, the chance to spread the Steel Samurai agenda? Of course you're coming over!" she replied easily with a flap of her hand. "I cannot believe you haven't seen any Steel Samurai content ever. That's honestly scary." She flopped onto the couch, a few chips toppling off the tower in her bowl and onto one of the scratchy fabric pillows.

"Well," Iris began, carefully picking up the fallen chips and placing them out of the way on the coffee table in front of them, "I'm glad you're showing it to me now, then."

Maya pulled up the show on the TV and cued up the first episode. Maya whipped her head toward Iris and gave her the most serious look she had ever seen from her.

"Are you ready for your life to be changed?"

Iris straightened up and met her gaze. She nodded firmly.

"I am."

With that, she pressed play and they were off. Iris sat in wide-eyed wonder as she took in every episode, mostly silent aside from the occasional question when she needed clarification. Maya kept switching from needing to fill the space with enthusiastic comments and behind-the-scenes facts, and keeping her full attention on the screen and not uttering a word.

Iris tried her best to acclimate herself to this unfamiliar ebb and flow of energy. She let Maya lead, taking in every word and action like the precious things they were, not because she had to, but because she wanted to. She wanted to learn who Maya was not just as a concept, not as a distant relative she had a duty to, but as a real person, as her cousin.

All of it—spending leisurely time like this with someone, talking with the future master of Kurain Village so openly, focusing so intently on a kid's show of all things—was very new, but Maya had a way of making it all so easy. She accepted Iris's lack of knowledge without scorn, without shooting her a cleverly crafted insult, without looking at her like she'd rather be looking anywhere else. It was definitely unfamiliar, but for the first time in a long time, it felt like that was a good thing.

When the Steel Samurai opening theme started to play for what must have been the 20th time as a new episode began, Maya leaned toward Iris, practically vibrating with excitement as she talked over the bass and taiko drums.

"This episode is so good! It's definitely my absolute favorite."

"I thought you said another one was your favorite?"

Maya waved her hand dismissively. "No, no, I mean it this time."

Iris smiled quietly to herself, a bittersweet feeling settling into her bones. To have so much love that it couldn't be held back was something she always admired, but she knew all too well that it was also something that led to heartache. She tried to focus on the screen, attempting to let herself get lost in the episode.

That task didn't turn out to be too difficult, as the episode brought up loose threads from previous ones and answered questions she didn't even know she had. She found herself lost in the story, fully invested in the subtle hints and loaded questions snuck in between every Samurai Hurricane and Early Summer Rain Jab.

As the episode neared its end, Maya turned to watch Iris instead of the screen. Iris caught her eye, finding a giddy grin on her face.

"What's wrong?"

"You'll see," Maya singsonged, extending the word see mysteriously with a jerk of her head toward the TV.

Iris turned back to the episode and took extra care to pay attention to the final scenes. If Maya cared so much about it, Iris figured she should at least try to see why.

This was definitely a pivotal episode based on all the twists and turns she'd already witnessed, and it kept that momentum going right up until the end, concluding with an epic fight between the two main characters of the show. After many episodes of battles and chasing each other, Steel Samurai finally had the villain—the Evil Magistrate, she knew now—in his grasp. He had the chance to strike, take down his greatest enemy, and then…he just let him go.

Maya paused the episode as soon as the credits appeared on the screen. Iris just sat in silence, trying to process what she just witnessed.

"Wait, but…he was right there," Iris finally said, tilting her head at the TV curiously.

"Right?" Maya threw herself back onto the couch with an exaggerated sigh and extended her arms out in front of her, palms forward. "Absolute cinema."

"Why did he spare him?" she asked, her voice small and quiet and weak in a way that almost always led to her words being ignored or disregarded.

Maya shrugged, sitting back up. "He knew the Evil Magistrate wasn't really a bad guy. He didn't really want to hurt those people."

Iris swallowed thickly.

"But he did hurt those people."

"Good people can be driven to do bad things. It's what makes his character so complex." She continued on with unrestrained excitement, now fully turned to Iris with her hands up and ready to fly in all directions as she spoke animatedly. "It's epic storytelling because it's not just a good versus evil fight. You root for the Steel Samurai in battle, but you also completely understand why the Evil Magistrate is doing what he's doing," she rambled, "and you're always sort of hoping for a way for the Evil Magistrate to get his happy ending, too. "

The words landed like a stone dropped in the pit of her stomach. Maya said them so easily, so casually, as if it were normal to hope for such a thing.

Iris finally spoke, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Does he get that?"

Maya gave her a light punch on the shoulder, making Iris jump in her seat.

"Hey, you'll just have to watch, okay? No spoilers!"

Iris nodded absentmindedly, still recovering from the episode, Maya's words, and the sudden startle.

"Regardless of how the show goes, which you absolutely cannot ask me about," Maya warned with an aggressive point of her finger, "I think the Evil Magistrate deserves one." She dropped her hand in her lap, a small smile on her face. "A happy ending, I mean."

Iris curled her hands into one another, the pressure on her fingers much stronger than it should have been.

"Even after everything he's done?"

"Yeah," Maya affirmed, grabbing the bowl of chips from the table in front of them. "Or, at the very least the opportunity to try and find what that means for him."

Iris hummed in thought as Maya shoved the bowl in front of her.

"I hope he gets that," Iris said softly, unclenching her tangled fingers and accepting the bowl.

Maya's vibrant smile softened into something more sincere as she kept her gaze on Iris, eyes shining.

"I hope so too."

The red-and-white-striped big top loomed ahead of Maya, Pearl, and Iris as they stepped out of the ticket line. They joined the crowd of people walking on the dirt pathway to the tent, tickets for the show in hand. Pearl's love for the circus was no secret, so when Iris asked her what they might do together, it was unsurprising when Pearl suggested it.

Now there, Maya held onto Pearl's hand, the two of them casually swinging their arms as they walked, both of them bouncing with every step. There was a carefree air between them, an unspoken calm when they interacted that Iris hadn't seen much of in her life.

Iris watched on with a quiet jealousy, a feeling she was very used to having and very used to ignoring. The feeling simply existed within her in a way, a weight that was so common it almost felt like nothing at all at this point, a constant ache. Though Maya and Pearl were cousins, she knew they were closer to sisters than Iris and Pearl would ever be, and though Iris would never expect such a thing with the way their parallel lives went, the thought did twist that dull ache into something sharper. A connection like that was built from years of time spent and trust earned, things she'd never had the opportunity to experience, not really. Every connection she'd ever made felt fabricated, like a temporary knot only made to be unraveled in due time. Even when it came to Bikini, who was like a mother to her, their connection was weighed down by duty and repentance; the silent understanding of how beneath the head nun Iris was always ran in the back of her mind.

Iris looked away from their interlocked hands only to find Pearl's wide eyes staring into her own.

"Have you really never been to the circus before, Miss Iris?"

Iris took in a cleansing breath and shook her head. "I've seen live shows, but nothing exactly like this," she replied, looking ahead at the tent before them that was steadily growing closer.

They hadn't even stepped inside, and Iris had to admit that it was already impressive. The sheer size of the tent and the number of people present alone were not things Iris saw every day. Added with the blaring music, the rumble of the crowds, and the scents of various fried foods wafting through the air, it was definitely not like anything like she'd experienced before.

"I remember my first time at the circus. It was incredible!" Pearl exclaimed with an excited little hop. "I hope you like it."

Iris gave Pearl a warm smile. "I'm sure I will, Pearl."

As much as the place impressed Iris, it must have been even more striking for Pearl during her first visit. There was a lot Iris didn't see, being in Hazakura temple most of her life, but at least she knew what was out there. She was able to experience what a college campus was like, see what life outside channeling could look like, and see that such a life actually existed.

Poor Pearl, under the careful watch of their mother, had it much worse, Iris knew, so it made sense that such a place would feel magical to her. Though Pearl wanted to show Iris the circus, Iris couldn't help but want to make sure that the girl had the best time, too.

The three made it to the tent's entrance and stepped inside. Pearl let out a small gasp the second they passed the threshold. The red on the outside was joined by purples and pinks on the inside, the bright colors making it feel as though the walls and roof were made of whimsy itself. There were rows and rows of bleachers lining the tent's walls facing a large open circular space in the center, already prepped with tall scaffolding, bright spotlights, and triangle-patterned platforms.

"I still am shocked at how big it is every time," Pearl said breathlessly as she took in every inch of the tent.

"Well, they do need the space to do all those tricks, Pearly," Maya said, looking around at the vast inside herself. "Why don't we try to get those seats near the front?" She pointed at an empty section in the distance.

Pearl's gaze lingered on someone selling popcorn on the stands, her brown eyes wide as usual, before she turned back to face the two of them.

"Yeah! Let's find our seats," she agreed, posture straight and smile wide.

Maya began to lead Pearl away toward where she pointed, pulling her along by the hand.

Iris felt a tug in her heart, a need to speak that she was still getting used to listening to. She took a deep breath in.

"Wait."

The pair stopped and turned around to face Iris, their raised eyebrows mirrored in question.

Iris leaned down slightly to meet Pearl's line of sight and gestured at the seller in the stands.

"Did you want some popcorn, Pearl?"

The girl shook her head quickly. "I don't need it. Thank you, Miss Iris."

"Need it?" Iris repeated softly, the words barely escaping her lips. "Can I ask what you mean?"

"My mother told me I shouldn't eat that kind of stuff," she said, chewing on the nail of her thumb nervously. "She said that it's not real food, and it's only for lowly people…"

"What?" Maya whipped her head to face Pearl. "Pearly, I just thought you didn't like the food here!"

Iris dropped one knee on the ground and placed a hand on Pearl's shoulder. "If you want to try some popcorn, you can. Do you want to?"

Pearl searched Iris's face, as if she were looking for something amiss, something awry, something that indicated it was a trick question of some kind. Upon finding nothing of the sort, she nodded twice.

Iris smiled warmly. "Then I'll get you some."

She walked up to the stand Pearl was eyeing and swiftly returned with a small bucket of popcorn. She handed Pearl her prize, the golden popcorn pieces steaming slightly.

Pearl took the bucket, beaming. "Thank you Miss Iris!"

"You're very welcome. And you can just call me Iris, okay?"

Pearl pointed at the empty section Maya was looking at previously, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "We should sit down. We don't want to miss the show!" She scurried ahead with a skip in her step, clutching the popcorn in one hand and gesturing at Iris and Maya to follow with the other.

Iris let out a small sigh as she and Maya walked on after her.

"Believe me, it's a lost cause," Maya assured with a slight shove against Iris's shoulder. "Even I can't get her to stop calling me Mystic Maya."

Maya stopped suddenly, turning to face Iris.

"Thanks for buying the popcorn, by the way. I know she really appreciated that."

"It was nothing, really," Iris said dismissively. "Pearl was really excited for this, so I wanted to make sure she had the best experience, that's all."

"Hey, we're here for you, remember?" she said with a sly smile, once again nudging her on the shoulder. "The way to make sure she has the best circus experience is to make sure you have the best circus experience." Maya scanned the tent again, her attention caught on all the food being sold. "Do you like cotton candy?"

"I-I do, but you don't need to get—"

"Actually I do, because you'll like it, and because I want some anyway. Stay with Pearl and save those seats. I'll be back, okay?"

Before Iris had any time to object, Maya flashed her a smile and disappeared into the crowd.

Left with no other choice, Iris caught up with Pearl, who was already seated and enjoying her popcorn.

"Where's Mystic Maya?" Pearl asked as Iris approached.

"She went to get some food, too."

Pearl nodded, then looked down at her popcorn, the smile creeping back onto her face.

"Thank you again, Miss Iris."

"It was no trouble at all," Iris assured, taking Maya's advice and leaving the formal address be. "You know you can speak up for things like that, right, Pearl?" Iris tilted her head, making sure she looked at Pearl directly in the eyes. "Your needs and wants are just as important as anyone else's."

For a moment, Pearl stared up at her as if she'd spoken a different language, but eventually, she nodded quickly, in that Pearl-like way that was childlike in execution and mature in meaning; Iris knew she took in every word.

It was a lesson Iris was still trying to learn herself, but seeing that same mentality in Pearl, a girl who had already been through enough, just broke Iris's heart. She knew it had to be true for Pearl's sake, and if she believed it so fiercely for her, then maybe she would eventually be able to believe it for herself.

"Hey! Iris!"

Iris turned to find Maya with one obnoxiously large serving of cotton candy in each hand, one in electric blue and the other in bright pink.

"Blue raspberry or strawberry?"

She suppressed the instinct to grimace. Every experience with the blue raspberry flavor in her life had been extremely unpleasant. She didn't understand why the flavor was everywhere when it was so abhorrent. Perhaps previously, she might have selected the flavor to save Maya from the taste, but Maya wouldn't have gotten the flavor if she didn't think she'd like it, right? With her own words to Pearl still on her mind, Iris eyed the pink one.

"Would it be alright if I took the strawberry?"

Maya handed her the pink cloud as she took the seat next to her, a grin on her face. "I was hoping you'd say that."

Iris took the stick, eyebrows knitting together. "You were?"

"I just love Blue Raspberry, that's all." She shrugged, then took a big bite from her cotton candy.

Iris looked at the cotton candy in her own hand. They all just…got what they wanted.

She took a piece from the pink cloud and put it in her mouth.

It was sweet.

The sound of dramatic music and the sweeping of bright lights across the crowd drew their attention, and soon the stage at the center was full of tigers, elephants, clowns, and acrobats.

The performance was just as incredible as Pearl described, with one seemingly impossible feat after another. Iris couldn't believe what she was seeing when the elephant launched someone into the air with the force of its trunk, or when someone put their head in the mouth of the tiger, or when someone flew through the air and disappeared. Even with channeling in her everyday life, this kind of magic was different, even more unbelievable in a way that was undeniably captivating.

Pearl seemed to think the same thing, her excitement never wavering once during the whole show. Iris couldn't help but glance at Pearl, who was always watching with a wide-eyed admiration that made Iris's heart melt.

The cotton candy now gone, the popcorn only crumbs at the bottom of the bucket, and their hands sore from clapping for every trick, the show was over. The three of them stood to begin the slow shuffle out with the rest of the buzzing crowd.

As they waited for the rest of their row to exit, each of them brought up their favorite trick of the night—Iris's was the one with the elephant—and promised that they would come back together again. Pearl was by far the most enthusiastic, rattling on about every performance and asking Iris what her thoughts were on each one. Iris answered every question earnestly, sharing in her wonder.

When they left the confines of the bleachers and entered the thick crowd, the Feys stuck together, careful not to get swept away. Pearl latched onto Maya's hand, then reached for Iris's before freezing with her hand midair.

"Is it alright if I hold your hand, Miss Iris?"

Iris couldn't stop the small gasp that escaped her. She could do nothing for a moment, frozen in place by the simple request. She swallowed and nodded thrice, pressing her lips together to prevent them from trembling.

"O-Of course it's alright," she finally got out, her voice only wavering slightly.

Iris closed the distance and took Pearl's hand in her own.

Pearl beamed in response, tugging the two of them toward the exit. She went right back to talking about the performance, swinging both of their arms now as they walked. Despite how light and positive the girl was at the moment, Pearl held on with a strong grip, never letting her hand slip once. Iris let her.

"And this stitch is called a purl," Iris explained, pointing at the small pearl-like shapes in her stitches.

"A pearl?" Pearl chirped.

"Yes, like you! See how they look like little pearls all lined up?"

Pearl leaned in closer to the sweater to get a better look. Maya inched forward from her place on the bean bag and picked up two mismatched knitting needles from the ones Iris laid out, inspecting them thoroughly as if they held a secret. The three of them were at Iris's place, on the carpet surrounded by knitting supplies on all sides, ready to embark on a knitting journey together.

"To review," Iris continued, holding up the sweater again and pointing as she spoke, "the ones that look like little v's are the knit stitches, and the ones that look like little pearls are, well, the purl stitches. Knowing what your stitches look like is an important skill to have."

Pearl nodded in understanding, keeping her focus on the sweater. Maya continued to look at the needles in her hands with suspicion.

"So you're telling me we're going to use these," Maya held up the needles, "to make something like that?" She pointed at the purple-striped sweater Iris was holding with one of the needles.

"Well, we're going to start small today, but once you learn the basics, you can absolutely make something like this." Iris placed the sweater on the ground and reached for her bag at her side. "We'll start by making something simple and practical," she said, rifling through her bag until she found the soft texture she was looking for, "a coaster!" She pulled out the knitted square from the bag, presenting it to the two of them in with one hand.

Iris barely allowed a second to pass before she lowered her hand with the project, the force of the movement causing the knitted square to flop limply over her fingers.

"I-I know it's not the most exciting start, but once you get the hang of the stitches, you'll feel more comfortable with—"

"It's perfect!" Pearl exclaimed, leaning forward in anticipation, a smile lighting up her face. "I've never made something like this before."

"It is…a square," Maya admitted, like that fact itself was all she needed to say to relay her feelings on the matter, "but now no one will get mad at me for all those coffee rings!"

Iris let out a relieved puff of air, her hand curling around the knitted piece. She turned her attention to her collection of needles and picked up a pair, handing them to Pearl.

"Are you ready to get started?"

Pearl took the needles with a firm nod, a smile still on her face.

Iris eventually got a matching set of needles in Maya's hands, too, and the lesson began. It was odd, going through the steps slowly and realizing how many little parts there were to something she knew so well.

Casting on and knitting and purling were rhythmic processes, actions she could do without thinking. They happened without any additional attention or celebration, just parts of the process on the way to making the final product, but Maya and Pearl—Pearl in particular—were looking at every detail as if they were the most important things in the world. The end product was what most people looked at, was what Iris herself looked at most of the time even when she fussed over details and spent hours working on the steps to get there, but something about the lesson made her see and appreciate those little details like Maya and Pearl, too. Maybe the parts people didn't see were valuable. Maybe the efforts of the invisible, the sacrifices it took to make something happen, were not just the bare minimum, not just the expected, but something to be admired and appreciated. Maybe the parts it took to make the whole were just as important as what people saw, and maybe she wasn't just a cog in a machine, but a part of her own story that could be admired all on its own.

Or, maybe Maya and Pearl were just being kind about allowing her to teach them knitting and she was overthinking it entirely.

Pearl expressed concern over her poor crafting skills early on, while Maya said she had some experience—apparently she constructed a box herself once—but nothing like knitting before. Despite their hesitation, both of them caught on quickly. Maya tended to make her stitches too loose while Pearl made her stitches too tight, but Iris was there to gently correct them for those kinds of issues. She monitored their progress and offered aid whenever they needed it, but once they learned the basics, they got into the rhythm of things and ended up sitting in a cozy silence with their projects.

"That…probably wasn't right." Maya broke the silence, squinting at the point where her needles met where the problem presumably was.

Before Iris could offer her assistance, Pearl leaned in and looked at the troublesome spot Maya was eyeing.

"Oh! I think you dropped a stitch there." Pearl looked up at Iris. "Right, Miss Iris?"

Iris leaned over and looked at Maya's work herself.

"Yes! You're right, Pearl, she missed a stitch. Good catch."

"Thank you!" Pearl absolutely beamed as she returned to her own needles. "And, thank you for teaching us, too!"

"Thank you for letting me, both of you," she replied. "I know knitting is not for everyone, so I appreciate you both being willing to try."

"Well, it was only fair. We shared what we loved with you, so we had to give your thing a shot, too," Maya said with a smile. "And, for the record, I think it's pretty cool! Even if I keep messing up." Maya turned her attention back down to her needles with a frown. "So, I dropped a stitch. How do I fix it?"

"You can just slip the stitch back on your needle and start again, see?" Iris explained, demonstrating with her own needles for a surprisingly focused Maya. "It's never the end of the world when you make a mistake. You can always start again."

Maya nodded and set her sights on the needles that maybe weren't as menacing as they once seemed, ready to fix the mistake. Iris returned to her project, the room once again falling into a comfortable silence.

The three of them worked away, Iris's own needles clacking against each other rhythmically as the others still focused on every stitch. She couldn't help but think of the last time she knitted for someone she cared about. It was all she could think about for a long time, actually, every time she picked up her needles. Knitting was something she loved doing, but it was difficult to enjoy after that incident when crushing guilt and a sea of tears came with every stitch.

Now, though, she wasn't stitching with fear and love in her heart. Now she sat with new people she cared about, her family. She was weaving a new memory to associate with her beloved hobby in every stitch, a more pleasant one. She knitted and purled with the knowledge that those around her loved her, that they actually cared for her, not some idea of her, just like she loved them.

Instead of trying to look at what they could take, Maya and Pearl simply gave. They wanted to share. They wanted to live life with her, not live life despite her. They didn't see value in her as an asset, as a part of their own personal plans, but instead saw value in her as just a person, as herself, because somehow, that was enough.

Now, she was stitching not from a place of fear mixed with love, but just of love.

Iris's needles stilled.

You can always start again.

She felt a tear roll down her cheek, silent, sudden, and stanchless like the blood from an open wound.

At the sound of a clearly not normal sniffle, Maya and Pearl looked up, stopping their own work.

"Miss Iris?" Pearl asked with those wide eyes of hers full of genuine concern.

Maya leaned forward, her usual playful demeanor gone, replaced with a sincerity she didn't see often. "What's wrong?"

Iris shook her head with a smile, tears still streaming down her face.

"Nothing," she said with an irrepressible gasp. "Nothing at all."