now we're in a freak storm every other weekend

nhl rpf warrior @problematicfave24

wake up babes ilya rozanov icloud leak just dropped

born raiders fan ⭐️@fuckrozanov

ILYA ROZANOV DICK PICS?????

Andrea 🦋@slutforrozanov

Roz’s icloud is full of dick pics…fork found in kitchen

fame is a gun 🌟@addisondefender

I KNEW HE WAS BIG!!!!!!

Or: Some of Ilya's camera roll gets leaked in an iCloud hack. The internet reacts.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

ESPN: Ilya Rozanov’s intimate photographs leaked in targeted iCloud attack

A representative of NHL superstar Ilya Rozanov has confirmed the photos currently circulating online are real. These intimate pictures have sparked discussion within the hockey community, as fans argue about the ethical guidelines of sharing leaked images.

“This leak demonstrates a blatant disregard for my client’s privacy. We are working closely with authorities and intend to press charges against the individual or individuals responsible for the data breach.” Says a spokesperson on behalf of Rozanov.

Read more…

nhl rpf warrior @problematicfave24

wake up babes ilya rozanov icloud leak just dropped

born raiders fan ⭐️ @fuckrozanov

ILYA ROZANOV DICK PICS?????

Andrea 🦋@slutforrozanov

Roz’s icloud is full of dick pics…fork found in kitchen

fame is a gun 🌟@addisondefender

I KNEW HE WAS BIG!!!!!!

Kiley 🐈‍⬛ @sorrengailstan

Guys we shouldn’t be posting images that Rozanov didn’t consent to being public…that’s common sense I fear

elliott 🐞 @sydcarmywarrior

okay is no one gonna ask the obvious question or…?

Max 😛 @clownblood

LMAOOO right?? 🐘🐘address me

kingdon truther @captainscurvy

Am I just autistic or is it not at all clear what these tweets are referring to

meg 🏒 @elevatedcupcakeexperience

I’m pretty sure they’re talking about how surprising it is that roz’s phone didn’t have more…incriminating stuff on it

kingdon truther @captainscurvy

Hey I went to the speaking in riddles convention and everybody knew you

ava 👸🏾@hiitsava

let me spell it out: we thought ilya’s phone would include at least ONE dick pic. like just a taste at least. honestly I would have guessed they had a sex tape

meg 🏒 @elevatedcupcakeexperience

@hiitsava ?? girl what leak are you seeing I’ve seen pictures of his schlong from at least 4 angles now

ava 👸🏾@hiitsava

@elevatedcupcakeexperience this isn’t about him! we want HOLLANDER dick pics.

liv 🌚 @stillinsistsheseestheghosts

notice how all the dick pics are from pre-2017…I know shane is STRICT about keeping their sexts under wraps

it’s kismet, babe 🌠 @putitindrive

[attached is an image of Shane Hollander. He’s driving, eyes focused on the road. There’s a huge smile on his face.]

I don’t think it’s right to spread the nudes but I can’t not talk about all the adorable pictures of Shane

Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81

Hello and you’re welcome for the pictures of my dick.

Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81

There are some leaked photos of my nieces and nephew. Please protect their privacy by not sharing.

still in derry 🤡 @theyregazebos

[attached is an image of Ilya and Amber Pike. They’re sitting on an outdoor porch, each sipping out of an apple juice box. They’re both casting a sidelong glance at the other, sort of like they’re in the middle of concocting a scheme.]

is she a pike offspring or no

ava 👸🏾@hiitsava

@theyregazebos ilya JUST said not to circulate these

still in derry 🤡 @theyregazebos

oh shit sorry sorry deleting now

Hayden

Hey thanks for telling people not to post the pictures of my kids

Ilya

Who are you and how did you get this number

Hayden

Man fuck you

Ilya’s head is still swimming ten minutes after getting off a call with Farah, words like damage control and lawyers and press charges floating aimlessly inside his brain.

Shane cups Ilya’s face with one hand, redirecting his gaze so that they’re making eye contact.

“Are you okay?” He asks softly. “I know you had…pictures on there. And stuff. This is such bullshit. It’s not fair.”

Just the word pictures invites an unpleasant grimace to Shane’s face. It’s cute, how he’s valiantly pushing down his jealousy to prioritize Ilya’s feelings.

Ilya shrugs one shoulder. It’s embarrassing, of course, having his dick plastered online. More embarrassing than the pictures themselves are the stupid faces he’s making in some of his thirst traps. Did he really used to think that weird, brooding pout thing looked hot?

“Is okay.” He says. “It’s a nice dick, yes?”

Shane makes a so-so motion with his hand.

“It’s alright. But seriously, it’s okay to be upset about this. It’s weird and violating. I know I’m pissed off.”

Ilya smiles, his heart swelling at the concerned adoration in Shane’s eyes.

“That’s because you are very in love with me. Protective, too, like my little guard dog.”

Shane scoffs.

“Little? I can bench more than you.”

“Yes. In your dream world.”

Ilya kisses Shane’s nose to diffuse his anger before it comes.

“It’s really okay.” He continues. “Annoying, yes, but it is nothing to freak out over. I will be fine. I am sorry about the pictures of you. Of us. I would have liked for those to stay private.”

Shane’s frown deepens, like the gravity of the situation is hitting him all over again.

“Fuck.” He says. “I hate this. Why do they even care so much?”

Ilya kisses him again, on the head this time. He likes it better this way—comforting Shane, instead of the other way around. It makes it a lot easier to feel in control.

“Because we’re very sexy and talented, and their lives are boring and sad.”

Shane wraps him in a hug, burying his face in Ilya’s shoulder.

“I’m so fucking glad I made you hide all of our other pictures on that stupid calculator app.”

Ilya runs a hand over Shane’s lower back, closing his eyes to breathe in his husband’s familiar scent. Years ago, Shane had made them both download an app that looks like a calculator but actually contains a vault for private photos.

“So am I.” He admits. “It makes me mad enough that everyone gets to see the freckles on your face, I could not take it if they saw the rest of them too.”

Shane pulls away just long enough to glare disapprovingly, his face scrunching up and wrinkling the beautiful freckles in question.

“Don’t even say that.” He says, voice muffled as he returns to his spot on Ilya’s shoulder. “It freaks me out too much.”

Ilya hugs him a little tighter.

“Nothing else will happen, I promise. And this will blow over by the weekend, just like Farah says.”

Shane pulls back again. His face is determined now, hardened with a familiar look of stern resolve.

“I’m going to fix this, Ilya.” He vows solemnly. “Whoever did this isn’t just going to get away with it.”

Ilya’s chest fills with warmth. Steadfast, tenacious, unbelievably focused Shane Hollander is the perfect person to have in your corner in times of crisis.

“I know, Shane.” Ilya says with a smile. “мой герой.”

molly 🍅 @whatstheword

[attached is an image of Hayden Pike. He’s holding an empty sippy cup, and his shirt is drenched in what looks like milk. With his free hand, he flips off the camera.]

he’s so fucking hot

og cens fan @herebefore81

mom come pick me up I’m scared…people are thirsting over hayden pike on main

Jackie Pike 🫶🏻 @jackieeeee_6

Personally I’m a big fan of this picture

amari m. @goodgraceofthatgodlight

obsessed with the genre of pics that are just ilya’s loved ones looking annoyed while he photographs them nonconsensually

Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81

@goodgraceofthatgodlight Please do not call Hayden Pike my loved one, I am begging you

Evelyn 🤠 @sometentlikething

ilya claiming he doesn’t like pike while hanging out at his home with his children…right right right right

Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81

@sometentlikething Does no one else have a very annoying brother in law? I am the first with this problem?

Luca

I know this is weird because you were hacked but is it okay if I post the picture of us in Bood’s backyard? I forgot it existed. If you do not want me to I understand.

Ilya

My sweet innocent Luca there is reddit thread of pictures of my dick.

Ilya

Yes you can post the photo of us, we are very cute.

Luca Haas ✅ @lucahaaofficial

[attached is an image of Luca Haas and Ilya Rozanov standing on a backyard deck. Luca is smiling shyly, holding up a notebook sketch of Anya, and Ilya is grinning and flashing a thumbs up like a proud father.]

Cap said I could post this :) Please stop hacking people though.

go cens! 🏳️‍⚧️@lucahaasarmy

NEW ROZ AND LUCA PIC LFG

lesbian for hollanov 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 @mrshollanov

[attached is an image of Shane and Ilya. They’re shirtless, asleep beneath rumpled hotel bedsheets, and Shane’s arms are wrapped around Ilya from behind.]

I can’t believe little spoon ilya got confirmed out of the blue on a random Tuesday.

Hazy :) 🦸‍♂️✅ @wyatthayes

Haha I’m pretty sure I took this

averie (taylor’s version) 💚@faithforgottenland

omfg hazy always at the scene of the crime

modern carrie bradshaw 👠@labelsandlove

@wyatthayes storytime?

Hazy + Husbands

Wyatt

Can I tell the Internet the story behind the spooning picture or no?

Shane

I don’t remember the context, what is it?

Wyatt

You guys were being all professional by not sharing a room on the road but Roz had a nightmare so you ended up in bed together anyway

Shane

Okay don’t share then, it’s private. Thank you for asking!

Wyatt

No problemo 😎

Hazy :) 🦸‍♂️✅ @wyatthayes

@labelsandlove Sorry, a goalie never reveals his secrets

modern carrie bradshaw 👠@labelsandlove

@wyatthayes 🤨

troy barrett apologist ⛸️ @gocentaurs4ever

[attached is an image of Troy Barrett and Harris Drover sitting in front of a bonfire. Harris is laughing hard, and Troy is looking at him with extreme heart eyes.]

I’ve never seen Troy smile like this, Harris Drover we owe you everything 😭😭😭😭

Harris 🏳️‍🌈 @harrisdrover

I’m happy to be of service 🫡

troy barrett apologist ⛸️ @gocentaurs4ever

[attached is an image of Troy Barrett. He’s shirtless, his abs visible, and holding an apple with only his teeth. He also looks visibly annoyed.]

This one is so cuteeee, my emotional support right wing forward

that one harry stan 🍉 @emmatpwk

okay but like…how gay are we talking?

Ella 🧇 @leavetheporchlighton

I want him in a way that’s concerning to feminism

Harris 🏳️‍🌈 @harrisdrover

Haha! Troy looks so cute and mine here 😃

Kenzie 😚 @brittanaforever

tb lowkey has the most insane face card in the nhl

Madeline 🌸 @iloveroselandry

@brittanaforever girl who tf is looking at his face????

Bood 🥩♨️✅ @zaneboodram

@brittanaforever in Roz’s absence I’ll do my best impression of him

Bood 🥩♨️✅ @zaneboodram

@brittanaforever Uh, no. You must be forgetting that me and Shane Hollander exist.

Harris ❤️🏳️‍🌈

Come home and ravish me, people are thirsting over you on Twitter

Troy

Wait huh? Why?

Harris ❤️🏳️‍🌈

You’re so cute when you’re chronically offline

Harris ❤️🏳️‍🌈

I’ll explain after you ravish me!!! Hurry!!!!

Troy

I’m buying YOUR cookie dough ice cream?

Troy

I’ll be home asap

Harris ❤️🏳️‍🌈

☺️😋🥰

I stand by my cancelled team @gometros36

do we think Hollander is jealous? if I had to see my man’s old thirst traps on my tl I’d probably go crazy

Shane Hollander ✅ @shanehollander24

@gometros36 I’m actually more concerned about my husband’s privacy being violated than I am about who he was sending pictures to ten years ago.

I stand by my cancelled team @gometros36

@shanehollander24 omg I’m so sorry mr shane hollander sir I didn’t think you’d see this

I stand by my cancelled team @gometros36

I think I’m gonna set myself on fire. No reason.