Work Text:
Jack's Bridges
Jack closes his eyes for a brief moment so he can feel the warmth of the sun on his face without feeling the glare of it in his eyes. The sun currently is in this odd place where it's still quite high in this sky but at this odd height where it starts to shine into people's eyes when they're looking in a particular direction. Jack could change his position or the seat itself or just get back down to the deck below to get his shades from his Dad.
Jack doesn't want to get his shades though because he wants Dad to find out from Aunt Jess who is her new Very Special Friend. Jack is just as curious about learning more about that person as his Dad happens to be. Jack also knows for a fact that adults often like to talk about private, adult, things when they think that children cannot hear them. That's why Jack left Dad and Aunt Jess on the lower deck of the ship and hared off to the upper deck as soon as the ship had left the shore. Not that Dad will be able to learn anything from Aunt Jess if it's something she really doesn't want him to know. Jack knows both of them and he knows that they can be very, very stubborn.
Spencer is on the upper deck with Jack though. Not by Jack's side but close by. Jack can feel his presence and had also seen him when he looked up in the direction of the stairs leading to the lower deck couple minutes ago. Spencer had been standing there, watching people from behind his shades, slowly and carefully before he finally appeared to relax.
To some people it might seem odd but for Jack this is a pretty normal thing. Dad does it too, all the time, especially in very crowded places and when he isn't wearing the gun on his belt. He always needs to know where the exits happen to be and sometimes tends to spend some time at looking at strangers.
Jack opens his eyes slightly and catches the sight of Spencer, now up at the front of the deck, his back turned towards Jack and looking at the bridges ahead of them, from one shore to the other.
Jack smiles at the sight, not really sure why. Maybe because Spencer feels like a bridge. Jack isn't sure from where that thought came but when he thinks about it for a moment the more he feels like it suits Spencer.
Spencer brought Jack home, to Dad, after that awful, quiet, lonely night when Jack had learned how Beth really felt about him and being with his dad. Jack didn't even have to say anything to Spencer for Spencer to figure out that something not good had happened between Beth and Jack. Spencer just knew, he knew and he had gotten Jack out of Beth's place and New York City as fast as possible.
Jack can still remember the warmth and calmness that filled him when Spencer called him Jackson. It's Jack's legal name, one that goes on official paperwork, sometimes with Jack's middle name, Reuben, sometimes not. It never really gets used by Jack's family. Well, sometimes Grandpa says it when he complains that Mom and Dad should have named Jack after his father, not Nana's (Jack had thought about it long and hard and years ago he decided that he wouldn't want to be named Atticus). Apart from Grandpa (and even he doesn't use that name when he's talking to Jack) no one from Jack's family, nearest and distant ever calls him Jackson. His friends or friends of the family don't do that either.
It's always Jack, usually just Jack; sometimes Jack-Jack after that demon baby from The Incredibles movie; sometimes it's Jackers, Jacky, Jackie or Jacko, depends on who's using it (usually older siblings of his friends from school); rarely he gets called Jay or JJ (the first he understands since his name starts with the letter J, the other he doesn't and simply informs the person using it that JJ happens to be one of his aunts and that his name is Jack). If not one of those he tends to be called Buddy, Bud or Kiddo. Sometimes Uncle Dave calls him Figlioccio or Figliolo but that's about it.
That's why Dad turned Jack's legal name into a codeword to be used by the family or friends of the family to signal to Jack that he needs to follow everything they're saying without protest or that he needs to play into the story they're presenting. And while Jack understood the importance of the codeword he didn't really believe that someone ever will have to use it.
That it was Spencer who used it, with and towards Beth and in order to get Jack out of her presence felt strangely fitting. Perhaps because Spencer didn't really like Beth as much as the rest of Dad's friends. Oh, Spencer was polite and friendly towards Beth but in a manner that underlined that they wouldn't be the best of friends. Spencer always called Beth Ms. Clemmons, insisted on being called Reid, claiming that only the kids in his life and his mother called him Spencer.
Jack picked on Spencer's uneasiness but he was a little bit busy with sorting out his own feelings towards the idea of Dad having a friend who was a woman, whom Dad could be dating and whom Dad could maybe marry in the future just like Brad's dad has had done the same to Brad's stepmother. Brad's stepmother was horrible and it wasn't just Brad's opinion. Jack didn't want a stepmother like that. In fact, if anyone back then asked him about it, Jack would have told them that he would love to have his Dad and Aunt Jess get together just like Tony's Dad and Aunt had done. That what worked for Tony's family wouldn't have worked for Jack's because his Dad and Aunt were nothing like Tony's towards each other took a little while to sink in.
Luckily Beth turned out be very easy to like and even easier to get along with. She loved being outdoors as much as Jack and his Dad did. She loved hiking, biking, swimming, playing soccer, going bowling or skating. She was fun to be around too and quite quickly Jack found liking the idea of her moving in with him and Dad. She didn't, instead of that she moved out and away all the way to New York City and Jack didn't really get to see her except for around Christmas and Easter. Not that he was losing sleep over it or missing her all that much. He liked her but if she didn't want to live with them and wanted to live somewhere else quite far away from them it was fine with him too.
Then the trip to New York City happened. Dad and Beth had been planning that trip since Aunt Jess announced that she was going to be out of the country for a couple of days to take a part in her friend's wedding. It was going to be Jack's first overnight visit with Beth since she moved away and a great trip to a new place where there was so much to see and so much to do. It was a good trip too, almost to the very end, even though his Dad had to step away to help Uncle Sean.
Talking with Spencer about everything Jack had heard from Beth and about how Dad wasn't going to meet any of Beth's expectations or make her dreams come true had helped Jack calm down quite a lot. But only once Dad confirmed everything Spencer had said and added his explanations to it Jack really managed to completely relax.
The boyfriend thing was new and just a little bit odd. Dad never talked about his old boyfriend before but once he explained why Jack understood most of it. Spencer being the new boyfriend felt a little bit too fast, especially since Beth didn't know yet that she and Dad were over. But if Dad and Spencer talked about how they felt towards each other and worked things between them then Jack wasn't going to complain. Neither he had to think too long or too hard about whom he liked more as Dad's partner.
Spencer in so far kept on proving that his presence and his relationship with Dad was the best thing that could have happened to Jack and his Dad. Even before they had gotten together Spencer always did his best to find a way to include Jack in conversations, without making Jack feel dumb about not knowing certain things or needing to have them explained. Spencer's enthusiasm for learning new things and things he liked tended to rub off on people, at least it rubbed off on Jack and Henry, even if they sometimes lost interest in those things later on. Spencer also always looked out for their physical safety and quite quickly proved himself to be the source of physical and emotional comfort. Not just for Jack.
From all the interactions Jack had seen between Aunt Jess and Spencer Jack figured out that Aunt Jess liked Spencer before Dad started dating him. It didn't really take Jack long to figure out that Aunt Jess liked Dad dating Spencer much better than she ever liked Dad dating Beth. Not that Aunt Jess ever said anything about hating Beth (or even just not liking Beth) or hating the fact that Dad was dating Beth. She and Beth were polite and friendly towards each other when they were together but in a way Jack had no issues with picking on the feeling that they didn't really consider each other as friends. Spencer and Aunt Jess on the other hand seemed to get along just fine. Spencer even managed to convince Aunt Jess into moving into the apartment Jack, his Dad and Spencer were soon going to leave empty. That was just as good as having Aunt Jess moving in with them.
And Dad?
Dad with Spencer feels like a completely different person. He's still Dad, steady and calm, patient but firm when he needs to be. But Dad is also a little bit more softer, a little bit more gentler and open in a way Jack doesn't really remember him being before. Dad feels like a changed man and to Jack it feels like it's a good change.
Dad talks about Mom in a way he didn't talk about her before. Up until Dad and Spencer had gotten together Dad never really spoke about Mom and sad things or bad things that happened to her, apart from dying. Dad talks about them now, not always in a way that tells Jack exactly what had happened but the things he doesn't describe feel like things Jack doesn't really need to know. Yet or maybe at all.
Talking about Jack's siblings is another thing that's new about Dad. Having brothers or sisters when Mom was still alive was one of those things Jack really didn't think about for too long even though he believed that having a brother or a sister would have been great. He just wasn't sure how that thing would work with Mom and Dad living apart since small babies were supposed to need a lot of care and time. So while a brother or a sister would be nice to have it was something Jack really didn't see happening. Then Mom died and that thought sort of faded away. It returned when Dad started dating Beth but by then Jack was older, a little wiser and had spent quite some time talking to other kids who had brothers and sisters that only shared one parent with them. He still believed that a younger brother or sister would be great to have but he wasn't really seeing it happening with him and Dad living in Washington and Beth living in New York City.
Now Jack knows that younger brother or younger sister is one of those things he isn't going to have, not unless Dad and Spencer will decide to adopt a child someday. Which might happen but Jack can't really see it happening until after Spencer and Dad will be ready to admit at work that they're together. That's definitely not going to happen anytime soon, Jack knows it and he doesn't really mind it.
But Jack didn't really think that he could have had an older siblings until Uncle Spencer talked with him about Beth, Beth wanting to have children with Dad and Jack's parents wanting to have children together. Even then it really wasn't something he thought about until he, Dad, Aunt Jess and Spencer went to clean the storage locker.
That's when he found out that he had two older sisters and that both of them were dead and that his Mom had lost them many, many years ago before she and Dad had gotten together. Mom and Dad also had other children before Jack, more than the two Dad named.
Jack is still a little bit unsure how to feel about his sisters and brother. He doesn't think that he really misses them because how can you miss someone you never met? He didn't get to meet any of them and of all four of them he only has one photograph of his oldest sister, Lisa. The younger three: Kelly, Anthony and Bethany passed away as babies, in very sad and painful ways. Thinking about them makes Jack sad but more for Mom and Dad than himself. Having older siblings would have been great though.
Jack likes to think that Lisa, Kelly, Anthony and Bethany are with Mom now in heaven to keep her company. They're probably much better company than Nana Brooks because if Nana Brooks was a good company then Aunt Jess wouldn't look like she stepped into a puddle of nasty puke whenever someone asked her to talk about her mother.
Jack dreams about his sisters and brother, not every night but quite often. Those dreams aren't bad but they aren't good too. He always ends up looking for them sooner or later, almost every time with Lisa at his side. Their faces change in every dream he has about them. Lisa is the only one that kind of looks the same from dream to dream.
Jack is back in therapy with Doctor Parr so he can talk with her about his siblings but in so far he doesn't have more than that to tell to her. He likes talking with her about Dad and Uncle Spencer and Aunt Jessica and her Very Special Friend more because he has a lot of questions for Doctor Parr about how other kids call their stepparents, how long it takes if they change the way they call them when they do. He's also very interested in learning why Aunt Jessica is so secretive about her Very Special Friend.
Through the lunch Dad had been trying to find something more about Aunt Jess's Very Special Friend. He has two theories, one that Aunt Jess's Very Special Friend might be a woman and the other that maybe he or she might have a kid. The only thing they do learn is that Aunt Jess's Very Special Friend might be moving closer to Washington. To New York, maybe New York City, maybe somewhere in the New York state, anywhere from Long Island to those parts of New Jersey that happen to be close to New York City. They have family in the area, at least that's what Aunt Jess had said before she changed the subject to Dad's job. Dad's plan to leave the job to be precise.
Today was the very first time Jack heard Dad say anything about it in Jack's presence but Spencer or Aunt Jess didn't seem surprised when Dad said it. Jack had been surprised though because he knows that Dad loves helping people and catching the bad guys.
Dad doesn't love it more than he loves Jack though and he knows how many pieces of Jack's life he's missing because he's somewhere else, helping someone else. Dad said that he doesn't want to wake up one day in some random city just to realize that he doesn't know his son because he keeps on missing so many things in Jack's life. Dad's voice cracked when he said that and Jack could hear Aunt Jess's soft gasp. Dad also said that he wants to be there with and for Jack more, that he wants to be back home for dinner, that he wants to travel less for work and more for fun with Jack.
Jack tried to protest when Dad said that but the truth is that Jack loves his Dad and while he tries his best to not think about missing Dad when he's gone or feeling sad when Dad misses something because he had to work Jack does want Dad to be home more and he wants Dad to not be in danger.
Jack remembers the last time he had seen Dad before Mom died. He remembers feeling scared that something bad will happen to Dad when he and Mom will be away. Then Mom died and it didn't hit Jack for a very long time that he could have lost Mom and Dad to George on the same day. That fear came back when Dad went away for months and months, without his friends from work and very, very far away from home. Dad tried his best to not allow Jack to see anyone else or anything really but Jack still saw enough.
Guns that weren't hidden by clothes, put in weird places Jack didn't really see before on anyone he could tell that he or she were wearing a gun. Big guns too, very big guns and very long guns. Lots of bulky clothes. Wherever Pakistan was, it didn't feel like a safe place for Dad to be alone and Jack was very glad when it was over and that Dad had gotten back to work with his friends.
Dad is going to be doing his boss's job which happens to be a very safe desk job with lots of paperwork, meeting other people in offices (his or theirs). There might be some travelling but much less than Dad does now and mostly for meetings. When pressed by Aunt Jess Dad also admits that there might be some, he calls them extremely rare cases, when he'll have to assist a team in the field but only in a supervisory role. He, Aunt Jess and Spencer talk a bit more about it and what Jack takes away from that exchange is that it should be as extremely rare as Dad said it should be.
It's quite a lot to take in. But so was Beth showing who she was and what she thought about Jack and Jack being in her and Dad's lives; so was Spencer being Dad's boyfriend and the existence of Dad's boyfriend before Mom; so was learning about the bad things that happened to Mom and learning that he had older siblings. Doctor Parr says that it's okay if Jack feels like all of it feels like too much. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time when it doesn't Dad is around to comfort Jack, so is Spencer and/or Aunt Jess.
"You okay there?" Spencer's voice tears Jack from his thoughts and suddenly Spencer is standing right there just a step away from the pew on which Jack's sitting.
"Yeah," sighs Jack and slides over to the right so Spencer can sit down by him.
"You were frowning," replies Spencer as he sits down next to Jack.
Jack shrugs slightly because he doesn't remember doing that, then he points at the sun and scrunches his nose. He doesn't really get to lower his hand when Spencer places his shades on Jack's face. They're huge, bigger than Dad's and Dad's shades are too big for Jack, Spencer pushes them all the way up Jack's nose, holding temples over Jack's ears and close to his head until he can grab both of them in one hand. It feels a little odd but it makes Jack feel warm from inside out.
"Better now?" asks Spencer.
"Much," admits Jack as he snuggles up to Spencer's side. "Thank you," he adds after a moment and it somehow ends up sounding like he's thanking Spencer for more than sharing his shades.
Maybe he should be thanking Spencer for more than sharing his shades.
Jack did thank Spencer for getting his new car in the red color. Jack also knows that Spencer didn't simply buy the car because it was red and Jack asked him if they could get the red car. The car had to come with a long list of things that were supposed to make it safe, comfortable and easy to drive (which Spencer had listed without blinking to the guy selling the cars, who in turn blinked a lot). That it was red was like ice-cream after a good dinner.
It's the other things, big and small that add up to making Jack, his Dad and also Aunt Jess feel safe and cared for. Much like a bridge helping them find a way from one shore to the other while protecting them from anything below.
Jack doesn't really have any memories of his Mom and Dad being together and living together. He does remember them being friendly and sometimes doing things together with him, mostly outside, playing all kinds of outside games, having a picnic or just a simple walk.
Jack does remember Dad and Aunt Jess after George killed Mom. He remembers sadness, his own and every trace of it he could pick coming from Dad and Aunt Jess. They tried their best to not add too much of their own to Jack's. But Jack still remembers waking up during the night, either in his Dad's bed, his Aunt's bed or his own and listening. To the way Dad breathed when he wasn't sleeping and just lying there in the bed, trying not to wake Jack up while waiting for the morning to come. To the way he kept on writing things if Jack was sleeping in his own bed. To the way Aunt Jess sometimes cried during the night. If Jack was in bed with her she tried to not make any sound. If he was in his own bed or on the couch, she sobbed sometimes. She also smoked, never during the day, always during the night.
Taking care of Jack together helped them. The sadness was still there, sometimes but there was something more underneath it. Something that made Jack think that maybe Dad and Aunt Jess should get together one day. Now Jack knows the difference between the kind of love Dad and Aunt Jess have for each other and that they have for their partners.
Now Jack knows that neither Beth nor any of Aunt Jess's Very Special Friends really embraced the idea of Dad, Jack and Aunt Jess being their special kind of family. Mostly Aunt Jess's boyfriends, if they didn't seem to have a problem with Dad when their relationship with Aunt Jess started they ended getting one pretty quickly. Not that Beth tried to make an effort to include Aunt Jess in things she did together with Dad and Jack.
Spencer does. Spencer knows. Spencer finds a way.
Just a couple of weeks ago Dad wouldn't have left his job if Beth asked him to do so.
Spencer didn't even ask and Spencer…
"Will you still work the same job when Dad will leave?" asks Jack suddenly.
"Yes," replies Spencer without hesitation.
"Even without Dad?" Jack presses.
"Even without your Dad," agrees Spencer.
"Won't you miss him?" asks Jack.
"I will," Spencer assures Jack earnestly. "Horribly," he breaths out. "But I will still get to see him at work," he adds quickly. "Just not as often as I've gotten used to do so. It's going to take me and everyone else some time to get used to not having your Dad there all the time but we're all going to be fine."
"Are you sure?" the question just slips out.
"I'm sure," offers Spencer with a smile. "There's nothing wrong with disliking change, Jack. Things we don't know or don't understand tend to if not scare us then at the very least make us feel uneasy about them until we learn more about them. There's nothing wrong with that or needing time to get used to things. The wrong part is being an asshole about it," he adds and then pauses for a moment before he continues. "One of the hardest lessons in life that I've got to learn is that there are things we don't want to happen but we eventually have to accept that they had happened; that there are things we don't want to know but have to learn anyway; and that there are people in our lives we feel like we cannot live without them but ultimately, sooner or later we have to let them go."
"Like Mom?" mumbles Jack.
"Like your Mom," agrees Spencer. "You know that letting go doesn't mean forgetting anything about her that you can remember or ever learned or adding new things to what you already know."
"Of course not," confirms Jack. "It's the same for people who move away from other people, isn't it?"
"Yeah," confirms Spencer. "It's just distance and it doesn't have to define your relationship with someone," he adds and then sighs heavily. "It does tend to show other people to us and us to other people from an often completely new position. Some people don't really end up liking the new picture."
"Are you worried that it will happen to you and Dad?" asks Jack.
"Not at all," answers Spencer. "If it were to happen at all then it would have happened by now, Jack. I've known your Dad for years and years. I had seen him through quite a lot of different points of his life. I had seen him in the happiest moments of his life. I had seen him at the saddest, most devastating moments of his life. I had seen him being brave, I had seen him being terrified. I had seen him being smart and I had seen him being stupid. There isn't really a side of him I hadn't seen or cannot imagine myself not accepting."
"He changed for you," points out Jack.
"He didn't change for me, Jack," replies Spencer simply. "Nor did I ask him to change. He changed because…" Spencer says and then stops for a longer moment before he continues, "because the part of him that held him back from letting go of quite a lot of things in his life had…" he stops again, for a shorter moment this time, "I wouldn't call it had healed, not completely at the very least. But it's a start and a sign that he's getting better."
"Did Dad get hurt a lot?" asks Jack softly as leans closer to Spencer.
"Yes," sighs Spencer. "Not just in the ways you can see. Some of those hurts were on the outside but some of them were on the inside. Both caused him pain. Your Dad had been hurt by quite a lot of people, those that wished to cause him harm and those that had done so without really meaning to do so," adds Spencer as Jack sighs and leans into him as fully as he can. "Healing isn't exactly an easy process, Jack. Or a short one. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes it takes months and sometimes it can take years."
"Did I make it worse?" mumbles Jack, the question just slipping out of his mouth.
Jack clamps his teeth over his bottom lip as soon as he says it. He likes to think that he made a pretty good job from not thinking those kind of thoughts and finding ways to distract himself from thinking them for longer than it took them to nip at him.
Well, at least it isn't, would it better for everyone if George killed me instead of Mom.
"No," says Spencer without hesitation. "I can tell you that without knowing exactly what it is for you, Jack. I know your Dad and I know that there's only one world and scenario in which your Dad would have been better off without you and that's the one in which you hadn't been born at all," he adds earnestly. "Your Dad loves you, Jack, more than anything in this world and losing you would have destroyed him," he pauses and swallows loud enough for Jack to hear. "Healing of any kind can be a struggle, more so if you cannot find in yourself a reason to do so. Doing so for someone else is as good reason as any other."
"Dad wouldn't have given up on everything without me," protests Jack.
"Perhaps not right away," replies Spencer. "One thing I know for sure about giving up is that more often than not giving up is a process that comes in pieces, Jack. People hardly ever actually give up suddenly, it just often feels to other people that they had. People, things, causes…" he sighs. "Everything we pour into them, it has to come from somewhere first, Jack and when there's nothing to pour from…" he trails off and suddenly falls silent.
Jack nods soundlessly, not wanting to disturb Spencer because he can tell without really knowing how that Spencer needs that moment of silence. That's how Dad finds them a couple minutes later.
"Hey, what you're up to?" Dad asks softly.
"Potentially developing skin cancer while absorbing vitamin D," replies Spencer simply. "Did you learn anything?"
For a brief moment Dad looks at Spencer like he's trying to decide whether or not Spencer happens to be joking before he quickly shakes his head, pulls out Jack's shades out of his pocket and hands them over to Jack as he says, "A whole lot of nothing."
"Really?" asks Spencer incredulously.
"Particularly useful that would allow me to narrow down the list of potential paramours to something I can check out on my lunch break," answers Dad. "Unless you know how to achieve that with the extremely vague parameters that happen to be a female cop from Texas with a child."
"I know that it isn't something that you will be checking out over one lunch break," replies Spencer. "But it isn't exactly going to take you forever either," he adds before he tells Jack and his Dad exactly what we would have done with that information.
The way Spencer's mind works is simply amazing.