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Gilbert stared down at the boy in his lap. Matthew, a soft lovely boy. Gilbert was gently stroking his hair, he was never one for physical affection but it made his boyfriend so very content, so of course he was going to learn how to do it properly. Every gentle touch was full of love, he was doing his best to be soft. It was weird, he had never wanted to be this soft for someone.
His past relationships were all so violent and aggressive. But this one, it was so dream like. He thought that unfamiliar feeling would fade and it'd fall into the same loop his relationships always did. But, it had been months. And still, every time Matthew looked into his eyes, he wanted to get on his knees and confess his love once more.
It's just the honeymoon phase, he'd tell himself. It scared him more and more as he realized that it wasn't. It didn't need to be intense. This soft and slow love was just perfect. It was new to him, he hated new things. He didn't know how to protect himself when everything felt so new. There was none of that familiar toxic behavior that let him feel safer.
It sounded kind of messed up in his head, but it was true. He felt safer when toxic behavior because it was familiar, he knew how to protect himself from it, he knew how to handle a toxic person, he knew the signs to look for before they snapped. With abuse, at least you knew what it was, at least you knew you'd get hit. It was easier to trust someone who said every horrible word.
Matthew curled into his touch, his arms slowly moving to wrap around Gilbert's waist. Gilbert felt his body freeze up as Matthew moved to further the touch. He held back a nervous giggle, adjusting Matthew slightly, moving his head up just a tad. He wanted to do so many things to this lovely boy. Hold him, kiss him, make him smile, make him laugh, be his comfort.
His thoughts continued to move, the intrusive thoughts starting to enter, thoughts that were only slightly his. He could so easily destroy this fragile man. He was physically stronger, he was emotionally more closed off, he knew so much about Matthew now. He could do horrible things to him. The thoughts made him fill with disgust. He hated how often these exact thoughts came up. Whenever he was in a good relationship, romantic or otherwise. If he wasn't being abused, his mind would shift to if he should be the abuser. He didn't want to hurt anyone, he swore he didn't.
He loved the thrill of the abuse, he loved how familiar it was, he loved how stronger he felt when he fought back. That was all lies, he didn't love it, it was just, it was hard to explain, even to himself. He wanted that thrill he was so used to, the emotional ride. But those rides wouldn't last, they'd all end in horrible ways.
Someone like Matthew didn't deserve to be hurt. He'd think about the things Matthew had told him. Gilbert hated everyone who ever hurt Matthew, he hated himself for even thinking about if one day he would hurt him. He promised himself that he would be good, he would actually heal this time, he would be better. Not for himself, not yet, he'd get better for this person, and even if something happened, even if Mathew left, he promised he would stay better, he wouldn't fall back.
This boy had changed his world view. There was no way he'd ever leave this relationship as the same person he entered as. He would become better, he would become healthier. He'd start healing for Matthew, and hopefully one day, he'd be healing for himself too.
he leaned down, gently leaving a kiss to Matthew's forehead. He didn't know exactly when Matthew had fallen asleep, he didn't even know how long they had been sitting there, in Gilbert's mess of a room. But it had been longer enough for his legs to start feeling all buzzy.
Physical affection like this was never his strong suit. He could flirt, he could give gifts, he could do things, he could pretty much anything affection wise but physical. And what Matthew seeked the most was physical. He didn't hate physical affection, honestly, he found it really enjoyable, he just wasn't used to it. Like so many other things in this relationship.
he let out a sigh, his thoughts couldn't help but get to him, to everyone else he acted so carefree, he hated the idea of anyone knowing he was an overthinker. he'd rather people think he was stupid. simply because he found it embarrassing. He found a lot of things about himself embarrassing. In conversation, he'd make sure to sure wording that made whatever he said sound less emotional, less soft, he wanted to be seen as stronger, as the brawn, like himbo type. Big, strong, and empty headed.
"so perfect" he mumbled, his glaze softening as his mind cleared and he just looked down at Matthew. He gently moved his curl out of his face. he remembered the several times were Matthew would get frustrated with the curl or complain about how it never seemed to want to just stay flat with the rest of his hair. he'd listen and nod, he could get the frustrated, even if he did find the curl to be adorable.
Matthew was often a mess, struggling with his own mental problems. Gilbert had his own issues, god he had a lot of them if he was being honest. He had never been very expressive about his problems, he’d keep them to himself, do his best to be the only person affected by them.
With Matthew he had found himself being more expressive. Unlike some of his past relationships, Matthew's issues never bothered him, they never felt like a weight being put on him, Matthew never made him feel like he was responsible for Matthew's mental state. It was a nice change, to be able to help his lover, without that help making himself worse.
It felt like healing with his man was actually something he could do. Healing finally felt accessible, with Matthew, the idea of getting better, becoming softer, didn’t feel as horrifying.