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“Hi everyone, my name is Kal-El, also known as Superman, and thank you for joining me today.” Kal-El waved at the camera, a smile on his face. He was in a small room, sitting at a table with some sort of metal box on it. The walls behind him were a glittering translucent blue. Instead of his usual suit, he wore a fitted, long-sleeved midnight blue tunic with a golden high collar and chestplate reminiscent of his suit’s symbol. Curved gold accents lined the chestplate, splitting in the middle and revealing darker blue material underneath it. The only piece of jewelry he had on was his circlet, gleaming proudly around his head. He was, unusually, wearing gloves.
“I know I’ve been absent from the channel lately, and that’s because I haven’t been losing any bets so no one could force me to record!” His smile fell into a pout. “Unfortunately, I owe a certain someone a favor… so that’s why we’re here, in the Fortress of Solitude!”
Kal-El carefully picked up the box and rested it on its side, revealing what looked like a periodic table. The box was about two feet wide and a foot and a half high. “I’m sure you all are well aware of that, uh, battle, the other day in the Atlantic Ocean. This was among the items we confiscated in the aftermath, though I never got a good look at it because a certain someone”—Kal-El’s smile turned mischievous—“whisked it away. Do you want to say ‘hi,’ Certain Someone?”
Kal-El’s eyes focused on something behind the camera, his dimples deepening the longer the silence went on. A blur flew at him. He caught it—a blade—between his fingers, an inch away from his eyes. A small rotation of his wrist revealed the blade’s conspicuous shape—a bat.
“I guess that counts. Do you want it back? Okay, then.” Kal-El placed the batarang down on the far corner of the table. “This, as you might have guessed, contains all the elements of the periodic table and today, I will be taste-testing them to satisfy a certain someone’s curiosity.”
He lowered the box to the table and rotated it around so the front was facing him. His face turned serious. “I think this should go without saying, but please don’t try this at home. Most of these elements are toxic to humans and extremely volatile. I am a Kryptonian and pretty sturdy, and this room has been selected for the express purpose of reducing the possibility of any extreme reactions from the more dangerous elements.”
On the screen, in big bold red letters, were the words, “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. THIS IS DANGEROUS. I REPEAT, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.” Underneath it, in a more reasonable font and size, was an in-depth warning scrolling by at a fast speed. At the end of the warning was a chibi Nightwing giving a thumbs up.
Kal-El clapped his hands, his eyes twinkling. “Now then, let’s get started. The first element I’m trying is hydrogen!”
With a click, Kal-El pulled out the small container holding the hydrogen. The container was a little more than an inch wide and long. He gently placed it down on the table and the camera zoomed in on it. A clear liquid sloshed around inside of it. When the camera finally zoomed back out, Kal-El was staring behind the camera. He blinked a few times, as if shaking himself out of a stupor, and picked up the container.
“I’ll have to drink it fast so it doesn’t evaporate. Ready?” He glanced at the camera. “Three, two, one, bottoms up!”
In a blue blur, the container was empty and Kal-El tilted his head to the side. “Hmm… it’s a little sweet—ah!” Kal-El gasped and held his throat. His voice was much higher. He burst into squeaky laughter. “Oh, Rao, I sound like one of those chipmunks!” As he was speaking, his voice lowered until it was back into his normal register.
“Ah, that was funny.” Kal-El smiled. “Where was I? Right—it’s a little sweet and smooth. It tastes the way silk feels. And I wouldn’t say it’s very sweet. Uh, should I rate it out of ten? Five out of ten.”
He returned the container to the box and pulled out a new one, another clear liquid. “Next is helium.” He threw it back like a shot and stared at the camera. “Uhh… it didn’t really taste like anything? Maybe a little bitterness? I think I’m tasting this”—he tapped the container—“more than the helium. Three out of ten.”
Kal-El shrugged. “Oh, well. Lithium!”
The container held a grey rock with a slight shine to it. He popped it into his mouth and his eyes widened excitedly. “It’s like popping candy!” Then he stuck out his tongue. “Except if popping candy was salty. Three—no, four out of ten. The texture was fun but I’m not a fan of the saltiness.”
The video cut to the next element on the table and then to Kal-El’s reaction.
~
Beryllium - a rocky, dark grey chunk.
“Very crunchy,” Kal-El said in-between loud bites, “and very sweet. Sort of like a rock candy. Eight out of ten. Do you have any more?”
Kal-El stared behind the camera with wide, eager eyes until the silence sent him sulking. He reached for the next container.
~
Boron - a dark, almost black, slate.
“Not as crunchy and more metallic tasting. It has a coarse texture. Uhh, five out of ten,” Kal-El said.
~
Carbon - a black chunk with a rough surface.
Kal-El held the carbon up to his eye. “Don’t you think it looks like charcoal?” His gaze moved from the carbon to behind the camera and his smile fell. “It was just a joke…”
He threw it into his mouth. “Tastes like I’m eating rocks.” He glanced behind the camera and his eyes widened slightly. “Wait, I’m being serious! Okay, okay, it’s earthy and a little smoky, though that might be because I associate it with grilling. Five, or I guess six, out of ten”
He let out a wistful sigh. “Now it tastes like chicken…”
~
Nitrogen - a clear liquid.
Kal-El had a thoughtful look on his face. “It’s like…if dry ice was a liquid.” He gave a firm nod. “Yeah, that's it. The same, burning cold. It’s not like dry ice really has a taste, but it’s pretty refreshing on a hot day. Or to crunch on when I want to eat something without eating something, you know?”
His eyes went behind the camera. “Exactly! It’s like eating normal ice for humans! Do you like eating ice? I really like the ones in the pellet shapes—for dry ice, I mean.”
He tilted his head. “Oh, the rating. I guess…five out of ten?” He shrugged. “Maybe if I was hot or if it was solid I’d rate it higher.”
⏩
⏩
⏩
The table was cleared and Kal-El’s hands were clasped on top of it, his gloves absent. On his arms were a multitude of bracelets and bangles, jingling with his every movement.
“Final rankings!” Kal-El said, drumming his hands on the table. He reached underneath the table and pulled out a group of small blocks. He pushed them onto the far left side of the table, his right side. “Ones and twos.”
He reached under the table and grabbed another group, placing them to the right of the first one. “Threes and fours. Fives and sixes. Sevens and eights. Nines and tens.” The two end groups noticeably had less blocks than the others.
“Hmm…final thoughts on the most memorable ones. Eating solid oxygen…is what I imagine drugs must feel like. Extremely disconcerting. Now the sulfur”—Kal-El shuddered—“disgusting. Dis-gus-ting.” He gagged dramatically.
“I liked the tanginess of phosphorus. It’d probably taste pretty good mixed with—” Kal-El stopped abruptly, his eyes darting to the side. “No, I’m not going to eat anything that’s not ‘food’ unsupervised.”
He turned back toward the camera. “Wait a minute, I’m an adult! You can’t police what I eat!”
Kal-El pulled out a batarang from somewhere and tilted his head back, tauntingly holding it over his open mouth. Another batarang flew towards it but he caught it. In a blue-gold blur and a symphony of jangles, he was in and out of his seat. “Great! Now I got a sandwich!”
In between the batarangs was what looked like a piece of charcoal. He opened his mouth, teeth just about to press into the abomination of a sandwich when a black void lunged at him from behind the camera, tackling him to the ground. Though hidden by the table, the sounds of a scuffle was clearly picked up. The sound of a chair tipping over, was not.
“Kal-El, no, you can’t eat that!”
“What if I like the taste?”
“You just said that—no, hand them over!”
It went quiet. Kal-El popped up with a neutral look on his face. “You may have won the battle, but I won the war.” A bright, boyish grin split across his face. “Guess who lost the bet of not getting their voice and appearance caught on camera?”
Whatever Kal-El saw behind the camera made him laugh, deep and jovial. “I know it was between you and Green Arrow, but I happened to overhear and he made a very convincing case.”
Kal-El’s smile faded into something smaller and a little more hesitant. “You…you’re still gonna buy me dinner, right?” His smile widened. “Have I told you you’re my favorite?”
🔄
Comments
@Justice_League
Hey guys, it’s Nightwing! If you liked this video and want to see more content like it, leave a like, comment, and subscribe! And make sure you hit that notification bell so you don’t miss out on any content from your favorite league of heroes!
101.9k likes
→ @justicegangganggang
bro did everything in production for this video but be in the video 😭
→ @vixensleftbracelet
right like when is he going to be in a video again 😭😭💔
→ 506 more replies
@themyscira-forever
superman eating the periodic table while ragebaiting batman was not on my bingo list this year 😭
13.4k likes
→ 22 replies
@maybePete-9081
when your goat gets into a childish tussle and loses even though he won 😔🥀
15.5k likes
→ 37 replies
@superbat-is-real-talk-to-the-wall
now i don’t want to say anything but 👀❤️💙🖤
EDIT: if y’all don’t like sb then just keep scrolling. literally nothing is stopping you from ignoring my comment 🙄
9.8k likes
→ 101 replies
@ooglygooglymoogly
batman: what have you got there
superman: a batarang sandwich
batman: no *foxy jumpscare*
10.2k likes
→ 3 replies
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