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Ryland Grace has never had a mission in his life, at least, not concrete one. His missions don't look like: save the world, cure cancer, solve world hunger.
It was more like: make it to Friday afternoon, grade his students' papers, don't be hungover Monday morning.
He never wanted to save the world. He had a plant one time, a succulent. Apparently, they were incredibly easy to take care of. It was dead within two weeks. He never had a plant again after that. He had thought about it for a little bit, considered buying a spider plant for his classroom, maybe doing a project with the kids about plant growth.
But, Grace never got to.
He's not…angry that he was forced to save the entire galaxy. It's just that when he was still trying to piece together parts of himself, trying to figure out who he was, who he knew, he had thought that everyone at the station - the astronauts, Stratt, Carl - he thought that they knew he was a person. Not a tool, not a…a thing for them to mess around with.
Grace didn't want to sulk when he remembered what they had done to him. He had almost made it too. He had been so close to the gate, if that soldier hadn't come out of nowhere, they would have had to look for an 8th grade schoolteacher in the vast woods that surrounded the compound.
"Easy for you to say when you're not the one being murdered. You're murdering me!"
He can still feel his throat tearing up when he screamed, begged, and cried for them to not kill him.
They did it anyways.
He wondered where the capsules are at now. It's been…a while since he found Rocky (again). He stopped keeping track of time. He ran out of food a while ago, Rocky suggested eating the taumoeba and the…me burgers. Honestly he's started to come around to them, he just can't think to much about the technical cannibalism. Otherwise, he's been known to throw up not long after choking it down.
Still, he did some calculations and found that the taumoeba has the same nutritional value as a head of lettuce. Sure, it has some nutritional capabilities, but it only satisfies his hunger if he ate roughly a pound of it in two hours. There's some calories, enough that he's not completely wasting away, but Rocky and Armando have noticed that he was severely lacking energy.
Which lead them to…the last few days. Armando kept the time, every eight hours, he would remind Ryland Grace to eat.
And, for the last few days, it's been too difficult to even think about. They get closer and closer to Erid every second. Rocky kept reassuring him that they would like him, that the scientists on Erid would find a way to keep him alive.
Grace doesn't really know how to explain to Rocky that it isn't possible. The soil on Erid must be too hard to grow any plant life, not to mention that the pressure would probably kill him immediately, if the heat doesn't boil him first.
Still, he tried to believe, as much as he could. He doesn't let it show on his face when Rocky got excited and high-pitched when talking about the friends Grace will meet, and Adrian that will like Grace, and everyone that would be so happy to see them.
Death doesn't work the same on Erid as it did on Earth. Eridians don't die passively like humans do. There's no sickness because there are no respiratory systems and no immune systems to attack. Rocky had tried to explain it once, there were three ways that they could die: crushing, starvation, and radiation.
Crushing was the least likely, as it would really only happen through a sudden geographical or architectural collapse. A sudden explosion could kill them, blow them apart, and even then there was a likely chance that they could survive.
Humans don't do that. Humans are frail. Paper skin that tears, organs that die.
Memories that fail.
Even now, Grace doesn't know himself. He can't picture his mother, his father, he didn't even know if he had any siblings. He knew his mission, he knew what he was meant to do - and did.
He hasn't been able to recover any more memories. Grace would see if he could remember anything, but it's a little hard to use anything as a hint when he can't remember what he can't remember.
Grace assumed that older memories were harder to recall. He can sort of remember in his intro to psychology class he took in his freshman year of college that the more aged a memory was, the easier it was to manipulate or forgot entirely.
There was some comfort in that thought, for a little while.
Until he remembered that it only works if there were others to remember for him.
He doesn't have anyone to remember for him. He ripped apart what little they shoved into a bag for him, and none of it could bring up any memories for him. It was confusing, well, he doubted that he had a rotating wardrobe every year, so something had to hold some memories for him.
Until it came to him, none of these were his.
Not really.
They bought it for him, shoved a bunch of stupid science pun t-shirts into a bag for him to wear. Does he even like wearing pop-culture shirts? Does he like science puns or did he think they were stupid?
What does he like?
The only thing he's ever known is this mission. His memory starts when he met Stratt for the first time, his last memory on Earth was kicking and screaming to stay.
He doesn't know anything else.
"Grace, question?"
Grace jerked up, finding himself resting on his bed, head propped up by the wall. He looked down, seeing Rocky in his ball. "Yeah?" He croaked, coughing and clearing his throat.
"Okay, question?"
"Umm," he sniffed, "yeah, yeah, I'm okay."
"Don't believe."
"Right, well, that's the answer you're getting."
"Don't like answer, want different answer."
Grace groaned and hauled himself up from bed, shivering as his feet met the cold floor. He maneuvered around Rocky. Since they were on their way to Erid, Mary has just been attached to Rocky's ship - which they have named Orion, and that led to an explanation of Orion's belt, which Grace himself barely remembered.
He yawned, which Rocky shuddered at, and kept moving towards the screen, feigning checking where they were. He knew very well where they were, Rocky tells him, and Mary kept a log of how much longer until Erid.
"Grace distraction, stop."
"I'm not distracting myself, I'm just double-checking our math."
"Math already checked…math checked five million times…" Rocky responded.
"…"
"Is joke, not really checked five million times."
"I got it, Rock."
"Is exaggeration."
"I know, Rock."
"Still, want to know."
"Want to know what, pal?" Grace said.
Rocky preened, stomping his attachment, "Bothering Grace, question? What is…frustrating Grace, question?"
Grace moaned, it's a little hard to keep his barriers up when there is only one other being that he's going to be spending years with. "I am frustrated…because," the words escaped Grace, and he flung his hands in the air, "I still can't remember anything."
"Is more, question?"
"I am also upset that I don't know what I like. The shirts aren't mine, they were picked for me, an assumption of what I would like."
"What word mean? Assumption?"
"It means that they…thought they knew what was best for me, without asking me, without looking at me as more than just a scientist. A…a body for them to…a martyr."
"Martyr?"
"A sacrifice, Rocky. They sacrificed me, they knew that I would finish the mission if I didn't remember anything. And I-I told them that I would sabotage it, and that's why I can't remember anything, but they hadn't planned for me to even live after the mission was completed. And now I…I might be living. And I'm supposed to be dead."
"Humans make mistake, Grace is…need word. Need word! Grace, need word!"
Grace made his way over to the open laptop, setting up the command, "What-what word do you need, Rock?"
"You are…more than marriage rock," Rocky caressed the gemstone in his arm(?), "you are more than…Mary and Orion. You are…more than friend. Humans make mistake, didn't know Grace before sending away. Is mistake."
Grace's fingers froze midair. "I'm…I'm not, Rocky," he rebuttled, backing away from the laptop.
"Are."
"Not."
"Are! Grace are! What word! Need word! To remind Grace, word!" He stomped his appendage.
"Fine! Alright, you'll get the word, but I…I need you to know that it's not me!"
"Is! Is you! Is Grace! Grace save Earth, Grace save Erid. Grace come to space. Grace is very brave. Grace is friend. Is enough without extra!"
"It's not, Rocky! It's not me!" Grace shouted, pacing around the room, "I'm not brave. I would rather let the world die than get on the stupid ship by myself. I should've just…" his feet skidded to a stop, nearly tripping over himself in surprise.
"What, question? What Grace should have done, question?"
"It's…"
"Do not say is nothing, statement. Is something. Tell."
"I…when…Stratt told me that I would be the backup, there was…a thought that went in my brain. Bounced around for a little."
"What, question?"
"It's nothing, it was just a small idea that I had."
"Tell, statement."
"Really it was like - blip" he shot his fingers away from his palm, "- and it was gone."
"Tell Rocky."
"I thought about killing myself, Rocky!" The being went silent, Grace did not. "I thought about killing myself so that they couldn't use me. So that they couldn't…couldn't make me do it."
Rocky went silent, then screeched. Loud. Grace flinched, watching as pieces of his carapace's raised. Grace was about to tell him off, but the translator finally caught up, "Grace! No! No! No! Grace should not have thought! Grace should never have thought!"
"I know, I know, buddy. But I am…I was…a coward. I wanted to…to die before I died in space on a suicide mission. It was a long time ago, I don't…I don't think like that anymore, Rocky."
Rocky seemed to calm somewhat at the reassurance. "Good, good, Grace should not think like that…ever, statement."
"Yeah, I-I know. It was…desperate."
"Desperate times is desperate measures, question?"
Close enough, Grace thought. He…he knew that the three hours Stratt gave him was bullshit. He knew that from the moment that he asked to think about it. The ship would go, with him on it, whether he wanted to or not. There was no stopping it.
It was him versus the entire base at that point. He just didn't think that they - the people he's spent months with, working alongside, confided in him and vice versa - would be the ones to hold him down.
Like he was an animal, cornering him, chasing him, waiting to pin him down as they killed him.
Or part of him.
It's…upsetting to think about. To think that he had once been someone with actual memories and not a play-by-play when he found a key to the lock in his brain. He had once had a family, someone, maybe he did own a dog at some point, or a cat. He thought he was a cat person, but he can't remember ever interacting with one.
He had once been a real person, and now he felt more like a puppet. His voice, his thoughts, his brain was not his own. Nothing was his.
Does that make him nothing?
"Grace is not a coward, either, statement," Rocky claimed, moving from his ball into his hamster tube, although when Grace showed him what a hamster tube was, he did not find it very amusing. Rocky carried himself closer to Grace, nearly pressing against the wall. "Grace is brave. Grace save worlds. Grace Rocky save stars. Coward could not."
Grace sniffed, suddenly aware of tears on his face. He wiped them away, "Thanks, Rocky."
"Welcome, Grace. Even if Grace is leaky and squishy, is okay."
"And the moment is over." Grace proclaimed, throwing his hands in the air, listening as Rocky laughed.
Rocky followed him, "Grace, still need word!"
Grace paused, not even noticing he was beside the laptop. His fingers thrummed against the keys before he typed in one word.
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