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Samira was surprisingly not scared of heights. Which was lucky for her, considering where she was standing.
She had heard rumors of Dr. Robby or Dr. Abbot coming up here at random times of the day. At the start of a shift or at the end.
She never really understood it.
Until now.
She was on the other side of the rail, looking out at the PTMC. She could hear everything. She could feel everything. And maybe for the first time in the entire shift, she allowed herself to just breathe.
A door opened from behind her, but she was in no rush to turn around and check who it was.
“You’re in my spot.” The familiar sound of Dr. Jack Abbot’s voice carried through the air.
“It’s not like you were using it.”
She could hear a quick shuffle as Dr. Abbot made his way towards the railing, leaning against it to look at her.
“What are you doing up here, Dr. Mohan?” His voice had an odd tone to it. She didn’t know how to take it.
“I just wanted to go somewhere. It’s been a long day,” she said.
Dr. Abbot didn’t say anything and began looking outside. The sun had finished setting, but there was still noise below them.
“I think,” she began, “I think I’m not cut out for this.”
He was still looking out when he responded “Cut out for what, Dr. Mohan?”
“The Pitt. Maybe even emergency medicine in general.” She took a shaky breath before continuing, “I mean, you saw me, I let personal issues get in the way of work. I couldn’t help a patient. Hell, I lost a patient tonight. And I just can’t help but feel like it’s my fault.
She sighed, and it took everything out of her. “Maybe Robby was right.”
“Robby?” Abbot finally turned to her, giving her an incredulous look. “You think Robby’s right?”
He took a pause before continuing, almost reminding himself that this was his best friend. “He’s doing his routine of being self-destructive and hurting the ones he cares about. But I talked to him, Caleb is talking to him right now. But he’s not right.”
His eyes softened as he asked his final question. “What’s really going on, Samira?”
The question took the air out of her lungs. Her name took the air out of her lungs.
“You know you’re the first person to ask me that today.” Her eyes began to water, “You know you’re also the first person to actually say my name. All everyone wants to know is what I’m going to do next.”
“My mom wants to know as long as she’s not in the picture. Too busy living her life.” She scoffed as she continued, “And sometimes they end up choosing for me. ‘Try geriatrics, Dr. Mohan, it’ll be more your speed,’ I guess Slo-Mo has a name to live up to.”
“You’re not slow.” Jack’s response was immediate, almost as if it were his instinctual reaction. “I never did like that nickname, it was inaccurate and needlessly hurtful. You’re thorough, Dr. Mohan, and you care. You care so much you would take the time to get to know a patient so they know you’re there for them.”
She finally took a glance at him. He was already looking at her, his eyes found hers in a way they always did.
“Thanks.” There wasn’t anything more she could’ve said. She was just trying to take in what he had said.
Jack was still looking at her. “So what do you want to do, Dr. Mohan? Go to Jersey, geriatrics, anything in the world. What do you want?”
Her response was instant. “I want to stay in the ER. Maybe become an attending like Shen did. An ultrasound fellowship sounds fine, but this is where I feel like I belong. This is what I had always wanted.” She took a breath before definitively saying, “I want to stay here.”
It felt like the air had shifted. Like somehow in admitting her desire the universe would punish her. She was scared that the black hole in her stomach would return like it had all day.
Like when she found out her research lost its funding.
Like when she found out Orlando would suffer at the hands of the healthcare system.
Like when Dr. Robby yelled at her in front of the other nurses and residents.
Like when her mother called and reminded her that everything would keep moving with or without her.
“So stay.” Jack had broken through her spiral with two simple words.
“What?”
“Stay at the PTMC, become an attending. I mean, c’mon, if Shen could do it why can’t you?” Jack had shrugged and said the words like they had meant nothing.
“I can't just,” she huffed a disbelieving laugh, “I can’t become an attending out of nowhere. I don’t even know if they have the funding for another one. Even if they did, I need to apply, I would need to talk with Gloria or Robby.” She took a deep breath, “I don’t even have a letter of rec written.”
“I’ll write it.” Dr. Abbot had cut in. It was in the same tone he had used earlier when he offered to pay for Oralndo’s Uber. He said it like it was nothing to him.
It was everything to her. “You would?”
“Of course, you’re the smartest person here. Can’t have that going away too soon.”
He returned to look out at the scene in front of him.
“Okay”
He turned back at her. “Okay?”
She looked back. “Okay.”
And that was that.
He took a step back from the railing, and for a second she thought he was going to leave. That their little bubble had finally popped and reality would crash on them soon.
He then held a hand out at her. She must’ve looked confused because he shook his hand again at her and pointedly looked down at her feet that were still on the other side of the railing.
She took a step between the rails, putting her hand in his.
They both walked back to the rooftop door, still hand in hand.
It wasn’t a cure all, but it was something. A physical reminder that she still had someone believing in her.
She would be okay.
The world kept moving, but she could keep moving too.