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It was an average night at the hospital ward. Nicholas was passing kidney stones, Hort was staring at his toenails in awe, they were trying figure out where the fuck Anadils fungus is, Hester was cold, and Japeth and Rhian had somehow ‘accidentally’ found their way into eachothers rooms and were fighting to the death.
I think the staff at this hospital should be fired. Don’t you?
Sophie was watching Nicholas pass his kidney stones and started having what she thought were sympathy pains which was bonkers because there is no way in hell she’d feel anything near sympathy for THAT GUY.
Her ‘sympathy pains’ started getting worse and she thought she was dying. No. Death wouldn’t be this merciless. It got to a point she couldn’t ignore anymore and all the others in the room began to notice there was something wrong with her….. Well other than what they already knew which was that she was a total bitch.
Sophie looked down to see a puddle below her, ‘did I really just piss myself, out in public!?’ She thought to herself.
“Holy bananas! Sophie! Go to the toilet, for Christ's sake!!!” Tedros squealed like a twelve year old girl (he was next to her in the circle most of them had formed around Nicholas’s bed to either watch him pass his kidney stones or support him through it)
“Like you don’t piss yourself everyday!” Sophie quipped back.
Tedros gasped dramatically.
“THAT WAS ONE TIME!! GET OVER IT!!” he basically screamed although it was still hard to hear him over Nicholas’s squawks of pain.
God. So annoying. Couldn’t he be in pain quieter so that they could talk?
After Hort finally looked up from his toenails he saw the cult crowded around Nicholas and started running to join them, apparently Tedros had given his luck to him because he found himself falling over a massive random puddle on the floor.
He looked up to see Ravan chugging water as if it was the first time in forever he had some. And Sophie and Tedros fighting over Sophie needing to use the bathroom, “Jinkies.” Hort said to himself
“What the fuck did you just say?!” Sophie said, turning around to see a drenched weasel on the floor.
Then Sophie felt a bolt of pain and fell to the floor.
Brone heard a loud thud from the other room and went to go grab a doctor but then he remembered that he had just had major surgery so he was also on the floor.
Sophie knew in this moment she may not survive. She looked up at Agatha. “Aggie!! Before I die there is something I need to tell you!!” She wailed.
Agatha had finally taken her eyes off of the writhing in pain Nicholas and the look of sheer fascination on her face dropped as she looked to Sophie on the floor.
“Wassup broski?” Agatha replied absentmindedly.
Tears began rolling down Sophie's face. “Aggie, I-” She stopped and began sobbing. She had suddenly stopped sobbing. “Agatha-” But then began her sobbing again, unable to get the full sentence out.
“Sophie! Spit it out!” Agatha said worry growing.
Sophie composed herself (as much as she could) “Agatha, I ate your leftover spaghetti.” Sophie finally spat out grimly, feeling ashamed.
Agatha's eyes widened.
“YOU BACKSTABBING, TWO-FACED BITCH!!!” She yelled.
“Aggie, I said I was sorry!!!!” Sophie spat.
“You know I was thinking of getting us friendship bracelets, but now I can’t after you committed such a heinous crime!!!” Agatha said as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
“Hey Soph, you want a doctor?” Nicola said butting into the very heated conversation, rude but she’s cute so Sophie would let it slide just this once,
“Yes, that would be good.” Agatha said, answering for her, even though she was still extremely pained from Sophie’s heinous acts.
After waiting a few minutes Nicola came back with that one doctor that looks and acts like a pedophile, I gave her the look of ‘really out of all the people’ and she just nodded. “All the other doctors are looking for Anadil’s mysterious fungus.” Nic shrugged.
“Jeez, how long does it take to pass kidney stones!?” Tedros asked very rudely, Nicholas looked at him then flipped him off, steering the attention away from Sophie’s fabulous self. (Who clearly needed it more than that buffoon of a man but whatever)
Dr Pedo paid Sophie no attention and walked straight up to Nicholas. “Young man did you just flip off my favourite patient- I MEAN! No favourites here!! Hahahaha.” He said with a very over-exaggerated dragged out laugh.
“Yes he did.” Tedros scoffed like a toddler… Actually if you thought about it Tedros actually looked like a toddler on steroids. Soooo…. Do what you will with that information i guess…
Sophie made one of those loud clearing your throat sounds that people do to grab the attention of others. Dr Pedo looked at her.
“Wassup broski?” He smiled.
“I AM DYING OVER HERE DR PEDO- I MEAN DR JOHNSTONSONMICHAELSONCHUCK.”
“Well then why don’t you ask a doctor for help?” Said the doctor.
“I DID AND HE ISN’T COMPETENT ENOUGH TO HELP ME!!!” Sophie screamed at the top of her lungs
“Will you shut up!! You’re louder than Rhian and Japeth combined!!!!” Hester screamed from the other room, oh right she exists, also why is no one caring about Rhian and Japeth fighting to the death? “And plus some of us want to sleep and it’s hard enough with doctors trying to find Ani’s sentient, yodelling fungus!” Hester screamed again, sounding more annoyed.
“Hey! my fungus isn’t yodelling!!” Anadil rasped, Sophie turned over to see……… Tedros yodelling at the top of his lungs and Dr Pedo cheering him on.
“Ani! I swear! Is there more than one sentient fungus?! Because I hear cheering too!!!” Hester shouted loud enough to hear over the yodelling.
“Hester! Go to sleep!” Anadil yelled back.
“I don’t need sleep!!! Oh wait- that’s what I was just whining about wasn’t it?” Hester hollered.
Nicholas, who was done passing his kidney stones, started beatboxing very loudly. Tedros saw this as a sign of a challenge and they began a VERY LOUD beatboxing battle.
“Ani! Shut the fucking fungus up so i can sleep!! Apparently they can beatbox! And they’re so bad at it!!!” Hester (who was clearly very sleep deprived) squawked.
“Don’t insult my fungus!!” Anadil screamed very offended. “They’re amazing- wait no! You’re gaslighting me!!! My fungi aren’t sentient!! At least I hope not…
“Okay, what’s all the fuss about” Dr Dovey said looking very unimpressed, Dr Lesso followed behind. They both stopped to try and get a sense of what was happening,
“ANADIL’S FUNGI KEEP YODELLING AND APPARENTLY THEY CAN BEATBOX TOO!!! I JUST WANT SOME GODDAMN SLEEP!!!!” Hester screamed practically sobbing.
“FOR THE LAST TIME MY FUNGI AREN’T SENTIENT BEINGS!” Anadil screeched from the other room.
“Sophie, why is there a body part down there?” Agatha said very shocked, Sophie looked down and screamed.
“OMG IT’S ANADIL’S SENTIENT FUNGUS!!” Tedros said, running away.
“If it’s Anadil’s fungus then why is it coming out of Sophie?” Nicola asked calmly.
“WELL…..IDK MAYBE IT TRANSFERRED TO SOPHIE!!??? Wait… that can happen….Right?” Tedros retorted.
“Sophie! You are giving birth!!” Dovey screamed, trying to get Sophie on her bed so that they could wheel her out of the room.
“TO ANADILS FUNGUS?!” Sophie asked, sobbing.
“No. To a baby.” Lesso replied, sighing.
“Ew a baby?!” Sophie grimaced.
“Get that thing away from me!!” She cried.
Dovey had successfully got her onto her bed, she and Dr Lesso began wheeling her out the room. Sophie was sobbing the whole time. “I WOULD RATHER ANADIL’S FUNGUS BE COMING OUT OF ME!!!!” She sobbed as they exited the room.
“I would too!!” She heard Anadil reply as they passed her room.
“Damn must suck to be Sophie right now.” Rhian said holding Japeth in a headlock position.
“Yea and it’s gonna suck to be you after I punch you!” Japeth responded.
“ANIIIIIII WHY ARE YOUR FUNGI STILL BEATBOXING AND YODELLING!!!!????” Hester yelled.
“Hester, you know that’s Tedros and Nicholas right?” Nicola said very calmly as if all of this was normal.
“WAIT SO TEDROS AND NICHOLAS ARE ANADIL’S FUNGI!!????” Hester screamed, Nicola sighed.
“I guess so.”
“ANADIL I’M SO SORRY YOU HAVE TO LIVE LIFE WITH THOSE YODELLING PIECES OF CRAP INSIDE OF YOU!” Hester yelled seemingly empathetically.
“Again! My fungi aren’t sentient!!! And they definitely aren’t Nicholas and Tedros. If they were, I would've given up by now.” Anadil explained.
Hester just began crying really loudly. “NEVER GIVE UP!” She sobbed.
“HESTER! GO TO SLEEP!!” Anadil rasped. Which Hester just replied with really loud sobs.
“I’m really cold Ani!!!!” Hester sobbed loudly once again. That was just met with a really loud sigh and then silence from that point. Hester seemed to have calmed down…. Or she was finally convinced that Anadil didn’t have two grown teenage boys yodelling inside of her.
A few hours later the baby was born and Sophie had a boy she named Branding (pronounced brandon), Sophie could hear Dr Lesbian- she meant Lesso whispering to Dr Dovey.
“Dovey…Where can we store a baby?” she said looking very concerned. “Actually! Maybe we can steal it! I’ve always wanted a child of my own!!” Lesso said excitedly.
“Lesso…You have a son. Or are we just forgetting about him now?” Dovey responded.
“Well of course I remember him!” Lesso said, sounding offended.
“Sure sure sure, so if you remember him so well. What’s his name?!” Dovey challenged.
“I- uh……..Eric?” Lesso stammered, Dovey just face palmed and muttered to herself ‘and she thinks she can take care of a child’.
“So can I have my baby or what!?” Sophie asked very impatiently.
“Well Sophie ....To tell you the truth....You uh..Can’t have him because we don’t want another murder case on our hands.” Dr Dovey answered, Sophie stared at Dovey then turned away.
“Fine, I didn’t want that freak of a baby anyway!!” Sophie said, pouting, then she got up and stomped away.
“So how was it?” Hort asked, drenched and still on the floor.
“Terrible, I didn’t even get to keep the damn baby!!” Sophie spat, Hort started laughing really obnoxiously so Sophie snatched Ravan’s water bottle he was chugging down and dumped all the water on the weasel.
“WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!!??” Hort screeched.
“Wait a minute..They can’t just take your baby away? That’s kidnapping!!!” Nicola exclaimed.
Sophie shrugged. “It’s not like anything that happens in this hospital is legal…” She sniffed.
“Sophie, I completely understand how hard this is for you…” Hort began. “I remember how upset I was when they didn’t let me keep the toenails they removed.”
Sophie's eyes welled with tears. “Okay! First of all Hort, they removed your tonsils… Not your toenails. And! Second of all. This is completely different!!” She snapped.
“You can probably sue the hospital for kidnapping your baby.” Nicola chimed in.
Sophie had completely ignored her beginning to cry.
“I didn’t even get any pics for my Instagram before they took it away!!!” She whined.
Tedros suddenly came into the room with a black eye and a shameful look on his face.
“What happened to you?” Agatha questioned, grimacing at his banged up face.
“I…. Uh- Well, i went to separate Japeth and Rhian because they were still fighting. And then they both ganged up on me and beat me up….” He replied sadly.
His sad look faded as he saw Sophie was back in the room.
“Sophie! Did you actually give birth to Anadil’s fungus?!?!” He asked curiously.
Sophie sighed. “No teddy, it was a BABY.” She replied.
“You? With a baby????” He gasped. “We’re like seventeen!!!” He shouted.
“Whatever.” Sophie rolled her eyes. “When did you stop yodelling?”
Tedros began sniffling as tears began forming in his eyes. “I-I-I….” He stuttered. “My throat started to hurt…” He began crying even harder. “AND- AND DOVEY SAID I CAN NEVER YODEL AGAIN!!” Tedros full on sobbed.
Nicola sighed. “Tedros, she didn’t say you could never yodel again, she said you should give it a rest… Not only for your sake but for Hester’s sake too.”,
Nicholas started moving towards Tedros and whispered something about ‘we should go have a rap battle in Hester’s room so she can suffer’ Tedros nodded aggressively and both boys started running to Hester’s room door, for some ungodly reason Dr Pedo found a massive speaker that they could use to do their rap battle.
I guess Tedros must really like this hospital.
After Tedros got a few words in, Hester busted down the door and started having a cat fight with him.
Anadil walked out and turned to Nicholas with a confused look “All his fault.” Nicholas said pointing down at his friend being beaten to a pulp.