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Waking up has never been a fast process for me, I'm usually pretty groggy and still tired because I don't go to sleep when I should, but this time it feels extra slow. I'm not sure why but opening my eyes feels like a near impossible task. Every time I finally think I have them open they just fall shut. It's like they're made of stone and I'm too weak to lift them. It, scarily enough, reminds me a lot of when I was first waking up from my coma on the Hail Mary. The feeling worries me as I fight to open my eyes. Why is it suddenly so hard for me to wake up? I haven't had any medication that would make this difficult.
When I finally get my eyes open they burn but I resist the urge to close them, not wanting to deal with forcing them open again. I try to move my arms to push myself up, but nothing happens. I don't even feel them twitch. It instantly has panic setting in. Something's wrong, I just don't know what. Did I have a medical emergency in my sleep? Maybe Armando had to administer medication? No. That can't be it, Rocky would have been loud enough to wake me up if that happened. The second thought that comes to me makes me feel like I've been doused in ice water. Did I get radiation poisoning?
I haven't shown any other symptoms since I haven't felt sick at all, no vomiting, fevers, or headaches. Did I get hit with such a high dosage that it immediately made me immobile? I can feel my heart hammering against my chest and it's like a weight has settled right on my ribs. The weight makes all of the air that enters my lungs feel weird, like I'm not getting enough air and the air I am getting isn't actually there. Is it panic or am I dying? I try to glance over at Armando, surely if I'm dying he'd be doing something, but my head refuses to move. Instead I fight to move my eyes, ignoring the strain it puts on them as I look at the robot. Armando doesn't seem to care about me at all, which is a first honestly since he won't leave me alone most of the time. But the sight of Armando not trying to stick me with tons of tubes and needles, I'm glad there's no butt tube happening, that does make me feel a bit better. It doesn't answer my question of what's going on but it does assure me I'm not currently dying.
Before I even begin to relax after learning that I am not currently dying a loud alarm begins to sound and the lights in the room start to flicker on and off. The sudden sound of the alarm is ear-splitting after the complete silence I just had and I let out a garbled noise of pain, not able to make much else noise. I fight to move again, wanting to sit up, wanting to run up to the control room and see what is going on, but my body still refuses to move. All I get is a twitch of my finger. The weight on my chest feels heavier with each second and it feels like I'm wheezing with every breath. What is going on? Are we going to die just because I can't move and Mary decided now was the perfect time to have a problem?
"Grace, question?"
I'm barely able to make out the tunes that Rocky says over the sound of the alarm but hearing his voice fills me with a mixture of relief and dread. I'm relieved that Rocky isn't going through what I am, he can obviously move since he can produce the tones to talk, but that also means Rocky is aware of everything going on. Rocky will think I'm sleeping and just not waking up. How long will he wait? He was alone so long on Blip-A just watching the other Eridians after they died. Will he do that for me? Or maybe he won't survive this time either. We were both lucky to survive what killed our crews, there's no way both of us will be as lucky the second time around.
I take in a stuttered breath, trying to force my body to move, to do anything. It feels just like waking up from the coma, when I could barely even answer the questions I was given. The weight on my chest feels crushing now, like my ribs could snap under it, and I can't even deny that I'm crying. "Grace, question? Something wrong, question?"
Rocky's tunes sound louder now, as if he's moved closer, and I want so badly to give him an answer but the only thing that comes from my mouth is a whimper of slurred words. The lights suddenly cut off completely and the dark makes me even more scared. I can't see anything and if the back up lights aren't coming on then something serious must be wrong. Is there a problem with the engines? Was there another taumoeba leak while I was asleep?
I don't know what to do. I want so badly to be able to do something that would do either of us some good right now. Even if I can't make it, Rocky should. I wasn't meant to survive in the first place. I was sent up in this rocket to find answers, not to come home. But Rocky wasn't meant to die out in space. He was meant to return home to save their planet and be safe with his mate for the rest of his life. It's not fair that Rocky won't get to go home because of me. I squeeze my eyes closed, forcing more of my tears down the side of my face and into my hair.
I close my eyes and take another shaky breath but before I can let it out everything stops. The alarms stop and it feels like my ears should be ringing from the loud sound but they aren't. Instead I'm met with complete silence. It's unnerving to suddenly be surrounded by silence and I slowly open my eyes to see if something has happened. There's no alarm and the lights are dimmed, just like they were when I was going to bed. The pain in my chest is gone and it doesn't feel like I'm fighting to get the air I need into my lungs. "Grace awake, question?"
The sound of Rocky's voice makes me relax a bit, he's okay. I try to turn my head, not expecting much, but this time my body actually listens to what I tell it to do and I get to actually turn towards Rocky. My heart beats a little harder at the realisation that I can move now as I look at Rocky, he's in his ball and is pressing himself up against the top of it as if he is trying to get closer to me. I fall out of the bed in my hurry to get to Rocky but I ignore the pain in my knees and the drying tear tracks on my face as I hug Rocky's ball. "I'm awake," I answer, trying to ignore how scratchy my voice sounds.
"Something wrong with Grace, question? Grace sleep then when wake up heart beat fast, like upset. Leak too."
"Didn't you hear the alarm?" I ask, not pulling back from the hug at all.
Rocky lets out a confused tune. "Alarm, question? No alarm. Mary silent whole Grace sleep."
"Silent…" I glance around at the room for a moment. "Mary, status?"
"All functions stable."
I take a deep breath, confused at what just happened. "Bad dream, question?"
The question is a good one, and most times Rocky would probably right that it was just a bad dream, but that wasn't what happened this time. It was much too real to be a dream and I didn't wake up after it ended because I was already awake, it was like a living nightmare where I couldn't move. It hits me suddenly what happened, and it seems obvious now, but the relief washes through me so fast that I feel a bit lightheaded. "No… It must have been sleep paralysis," I answer, relaxing at the knowledge that the alarm wasn't real.
Rocky seems confused. "Sleep… paralysis, question?" Rocky probably recognizes the word 'paralysis' from when I compared how he sleeps to it but he also knows humans don't sleep like that. "Humans not sleep like Eridians. Grace say so."
"It's different than what you experience," I start, pulling away from the ball to look at Rocky. "Sleep paralysis happens sometimes when humans are waking up. We are awake but we can't move and…" I trail off slowly, wondering how to explain what happens.
"And, question?" Rocky pushes.
"Well we hallucinate."
"Word meaning, question?"
I sigh as I try and think of the best way to put this, I had the same struggle when deciding how to explain dreams to him. "It's like dreams but you're awake. When you hallucinate you see, hear, and even feel things that aren't real. Your brain thinks it's really happening even though it's not."
Rocky is quiet as he takes in the information, pushing his claws together. "And… What Grace see, question?"
I frown just thinking about what I saw. I don't want to worry Rocky with my anxiety induced hallucinations but I also know that he won't drop it if I don't tell him, he can be pretty hard headed (no pun intended). "Well at first I was just scared. I couldn't move at all and it felt like a big weight on my chest. I thought… I thought that I got sick, that I might've gotten radiation poisoning," I start, watching Rocky to see his reaction. Rocky goes very still at the mention of radiation poisoning. "But since Armando wasn't doing anything I figured that wasn't it but then I hear alarms going off, really loud ones, and saw the lights start flickering. I thought that something was wrong with the Hail Mary and that since I couldn't move and fix it, you wouldn't be able to get home."
"But no alarm. Grace not sick. All not real, statement."
"Right. No alarms and I'm not sick. It's just something that human brains sometimes do."
Rocky hums a familiar tune, something that I know means he's thinking, and I just wait for him to be ready. "Rocky watch Grace sleep so that Grace no worry while sleeping. If something happen, Rocky will handle and keep Grace safe. Promise." Rocky puts one of his hands on the xenonite ball.
The words make me tear up a bit. I know that Eridians watch each other to protect each other because when they are sleeping they are completely vulnerable but to hear Rocky say that he'd do that for me makes me a bit emotional. On Earth I didn't really have anyone, especially not someone that would do this for me. Sometimes it just hits me that Rocky, an extraterrestrial life form that I just happened to meet because we both had the same mission, cares so much about me. I reach up and put my hand on the ball as well. "Yeah, okay Buddy," I agree, sniffling softly.
"Grace leaking."
I laugh softly, reaching up to wipe my face. "Sorry Rock, hearing you say that means a lot to me."
"Rocky care for Grace. Will always protect Grace," Rocky assures.
"I'll protect you too, Rocky. That's why I was so upset, I couldn't protect you because I couldn't move."
"Not Grace job when Grace sleep. Rocky job. If Grace only get sleep paralysis from sleep then no worry unless Grace sleep while watch Rocky sleep." As he says it he holds a fist up, shaking it at me to show his anger and displeasure at the mere thought of me falling asleep while he's also sleeping.
I laugh softly, nodding. "I know Rocky, I won't fall asleep while you're sleeping."
Rocky lets out a happy tune at the confirmation, dropping his fist. "Rocky protect Grace when sleep and Grace protect Rocky when sleep. Equal."
The words make me so happy. I haven't told Rocky about my life on Earth, that there's no one waiting for me and that one of the reasons I was forced up here is that I had no one on Earth, and that I don't really mind not returning. Rocky is the only one that's truly treated me like a friend. Rocky doesn't make me feel bad for being myself and even if I do something stupid, like when I almost ruined the whole mission, he just tells me to sleep. Rocky is like the best friend that I never had on Earth, someone that understands me and doesn't think badly of me just because I'm different.
"Yeah Buddy, we're equal."
"Good good good. Now Grace eat and turn on Rocky show."
I huff softly, rolling my eyes in amusement. Since we don't have a lot to do on our trip to Erid I've been showing Rocky all sorts of television shows and movies and he's been obsessed with How It's Made. "Fine, I'll turn on your show," I assure, picking up the computer I have hooked up to a big screen I've hung to the wall in the dorm room.
"Good friend Grace!" Rocky cheers, doing his jazz hands.
I laugh softly, starting the new episode. "Good friend Rocky."