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It is such a good day to be Saparata, Saparata thinks to himself. Every day is a good day to be Saparata. Wow what a fucking narcissist. Saparata is walking to his next college class which is something you do when you attend a university. We understand because we are all also college students. The sun is yellow. Saparata is white. That is why he walks with swagger. He is white and rich and he thinks he deserves to live. Little does he know, all three of those things are about to change…permanently…ohhhhh…
So he is walking to class in his disgusting flamboyant way with his huge disgusting biceps and he is so hot but in a disgusting way. Flux is also walking to class and they bump into each other.
“Watch where you’re going” Flux says angerly. His eyes burn with rage. He wants to kill. It’s because he’s a bad person.
Saps smiles warmly. “Sorry I got lost”
“We have been attending this college and navigating this campus for four years,”
“Lost in your eyes” Saps says, ignoring Flux because of course he does.
This is such a repulsive thing to say that Flux goes red in the face. With anger. With anger it’s because he’s angry. This line would never work on him. It just wouldn’t. Just to prove how atrocious this is, Flux imagines kissing fuck he means kissing FUCK he means hitting Saps. He wishes he could. But he can’t because he’s anemic and gay. Everyone knows gay people can’t hit eachother. It activates a quantum shield surrounding them which deflects and parries all attacks. 5 damage is dealt for every attempt at harming another gay person. This is because of homosexual solidarity and the LGBTQIA+ community guild rules.
While Flux thinks very hard about this, Saps twiddles his thumbs and waits for a response. He is not nervous about it not going over well because in all honesty he prefers that it sparks outrage in Flux. This is because Saps is gay and likes when Flux gets mad. It is one of his many psychosexual defects. Like engaging in sports like waterpolo unironically and living in a frat house.
Flux finally responds. “I hope I find you dead and bloodless in the streets”
Saps blushes and tugs at his collar. “Flux you can’t say that in public what will everyone think”
Flux is enraged by this homosexual tomfoolery. “I’m saying I wish you were dead you insolent troglodyte”
Much to his chagrin Saps just fans at his face like a maiden clutching her pearls. Flux has never hated being gay more. Maybe if he were straight he could beat the shit out of Saps. But unfortunately he can’t do that because of the previously established rules. And besides he can’t beat up Saps. He would probably like it. He is kind of freaky like that.
He looks at Saps. Saps looks like a greek god if a greek god was Icarus and like if Hades and Persephone had a baby which they didn’t by the way ever and he was like Orpheus and the author was Eurydice because the author was dead. He was playing the xylophone on his ribcage and he had a big and beautiful heart that made Flux want to split an orange with him. His hair is white which matches the rest of him because Saps is a white guy and it flows in the wind like a loyal dog who is devoted, and his eyes are wide like a deer with the prey instinct and there is a crosshair on him. His face is red like a pomegranate tenderly broken open because love is violence and he is the olive theory. His glorification and romanticization of the way he haunts the narrative is psychoanalytically compelling. And cannibalism as a shallow metaphor for love and the peeled orange theory too. And also even a worm will turn and Satan was a ladder.
Flux, somehow sensing Tumblr prose, shudders. Maybe he even cries a bit. Saucy little tart.
“Are you seriously thinking of other men after hitting on me” Saps says suddenly, disrupting Flux’s thing whatever it is that he is doing right there.
“Genuinely what are you talking about”
Saps slaps a hand over his mouth. Now Flux probably has mono. Thanks a fucking lot Saparata you bitch……
”Dont worry about it. Wanna go for a ride” Saps asks with suave.
Flux would actually rather swallow bullets, then a gun, load the chamber in his stomach and shoot himself from the inside out than “go for a ride” with Saps.
That’s why he decides to go for a ride with Saps.
So they’re driving and Saps is driving on the road with Flux in the car and this is because Saps has his license. His car is a Subaru which is kind of gay but Saps likes men so it makes sense. He’s driving with his license. You know I had a license once too. A permit actually. My student permit. I used to drive. I was on my way home from a party and I was driving. I wasn’t supposed to. My mom was like come on Mal just drive up until this stop sign and we’ll switch. I said yes because I am a good son. We make it to the stop sign. There’s a fucking car behind us we can’t switch now so my mom says ok just drive the rest of the way home it will be fine. It actually wasn’t fine. It was so not fine you could die if you knew how not fine it was. So many empty graves were waiting to be filled. But I made it home ok and I was going like either 30 in a 25 or 10 in a 25 and I made it to my driveway. And then I made the turn. And I stepped on the accelerator and proceeded to ram my mom’s expensive car directly into the fattest fucking tree god put on this green fucking earth and the dash got totaled and my neighbor called the cops and they took the car away and scrapped it and I had to spend the weekend picking shards of glass and hunks of metal out of the fucking bushes and now every time I see that tree I look at the bark that was torn off by the front of the car and I remember and I think about it. I was wearing a DMV hoodie when the police came. They laughed. I thought about getting back into the car, putting it in reverse and flattening them into pancakes. I did not do that because the car was too busy being damaged beyond repair. My driving test is in May you know. I think about that too.
“What was that” Saps asks scaredly because he had gone to the place of blackness where all characters go during exposition.
“Saps I don’t know it was so dark” says Flux who is also scared.
“It was like we were dead” says Saps.
“It felt like I was trapped behind my own eyelids.”
“Just kidding I’m fine let’s keep driving”
“Yes let’s”
And then they keep driving and now they are on the interstate parkway. Britney Spears is on the radio and that’s because deep down Saps is a white girl. And girls just want to have fun. Flux is looking out the window and thinking about how badly he wants to kill himself and of all the ways he’s going to do just that as soon as he gets back to his dorm after this horrible date.
Saps breaks the silence. “Hey wanna see the matching tattoos me and Schpoody got done”
“No. Also don’t call him that in front of me I think I just threw up in my mouth”
“Ok I’ll show you since you insist” says Saps who proceeds to take both hands off the wheel to rip off his shirt. He reveals his back to Flux.
It’s a foot and a half long tattoo of Chicken Little.
“Yeah haha Schpood got 5pyder’s face to match”
Flux wants to ask how the fuck that would be a matching tattoo because what correlation could there possibly be between 5pyder and Chicken Little. He can’t do that because he’s too busy lamenting about how bad he wants to fuck this guy which is insane because he’s stupid and has no redeeming qualities but somehow that and this tattoo has made him ten times more attractive which is just disgusting.
All of a sudden there is a loud honking noise. “Saps watch out” Flux screams in a calm and reserved tone. It’s too late. Can this guy do anything right like genuinely
The subaru rams into the toyota corolla in front of them and does 7 flips before being crunched like an accordion and lying on its back. Every car behind them also joins the pileup. Everyone is dead. Eddie is dead he was in the car behind them. God.
Flux says bleedingly “Why are you blue in the face”
“Because you take my breath away” Saps responds. Now he is purple. He is being strangled by a seatbelt probably.
“Ok gaylord I think we are dying”
“No” Saps says
Flux can’t argue with this logic. Maybe they are going to survive this after all!
Then Meri veers their chevy into the subaru and they die and it’s pretty bloody. I guess they will not survive this after all. So sorry. A lot of blood by the way. Like there’s a lot of blood. Ohhhhh the blood ohhhhh ohhhhh oh my goddd there’s so muchhhhh fuckkkkkkkk
The end…?