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Neil answered the door, which was why Allison was able to merrily push her way past him into their dorm holding a DVD case in both hands and swaying her hips as if modelling it on a late night infomercial.
‘Look what I fooouund,’ she sang.
Neil held the door open for Dan, Matt and Renee to follow, each carrying popcorn or other snacks, seeing as he’d already allowed the greatest evil inside. Andrew met his eyes from the desk he was perched on to express his dissatisfaction with Neil’s guard dog capabilities and Neil shrugged.
‘What is it?’ Nicky asked, always happy to have visitors, even when he was technically a visitor here.
‘It’s a porno,’ she said, ‘about exy, starring …’ and she paused dramatically to make sure that everyone was listening, ‘Kevin Knight and Jeremy Cox.’
Kevin sat up very straight from where he was slouched on the couch and shut his laptop lid. Nicky gasped so hard he started coughing. Andrew stubbed out his cigarette. Neil held his hand out for the DVD case.
‘Those look like the cheapest exy racquets I’ve ever seen,’ he said. ‘And why would they have them just lying around in the locker room? Why are Kevin and Jeremy sharing a locker room if they’re rivals?’
‘Yes Neil, most of the fun of this is going to be how inaccurate and absurd everything is,’ Allison said patiently.
‘Most of the fun of what?’ Kevin asked.
‘Obviously we’re watching it,’ Nicky wheezed, still recovering from his coughing fit. ‘This is the best day of my life. How hot are the actors?’
Andrew swung his legs carefully off the desk and watched Neil with guarded eyes. Neil was examining the case as though there was a mathematical answer to Nicky’s question. He did keep insisting that he only had eyes for Andrew, but it was interesting to see it in real time.
‘They’re too muscular to be strikers,’ he said eventually.
‘They’re hot,’ Matt said, plucking the case from Neil’s hand and moving to Nicky’s PlayStation. ‘But that’s absolutely not the point of this. We’re not having a fun little group masturbation.’
‘Aw,’ Nicky said. ‘But it would take so little to convince Andrew to leave so it wouldn’t be weird for me! Where’s Aaron, anyway?’
‘He basically fled the room as soon as Allison came in to show us,’ Dan said. ‘But Andrew won’t, because Neil and Kevin’s reactions are the reason this is going to be so fun. If that’s Neil’s reaction to the cover, they’re both going to lose their minds when they see what they do with our beloved sport.’
Andrew didn’t appreciate anyone assuming what actions he would or wouldn’t take, but Dan had a point. Neil and Kevin had dual obsessions with exy that made it a matter of justice for them to be confronted with it being done poorly. The fact that Kevin would also be forced to watch porn of himself with Knox, who he stubbornly maintained he wasn’t attracted to, made it even more appealing to Andrew’s sadism.
Neil met Andrew’s eyes with a pleading expression, clearly hoping Andrew would take him far away. His face fell when he realised that was not how the afternoon was going to play out.
Andrew hopped off the desk and took a place in one of the beanbags, catching Neil’s wrist before Neil could find a spot somewhere else. Usually, him sitting in a beanbag was an indication that Neil should do that, but he was a gay man about to watch pornography in a room full of his peers. Pretending to be a normal couple was more subtle than holding a cushion over his crotch.
He tapped the space between his legs pointedly. Neil’s eyes followed the movement, before he glanced at everyone else, then back at Andrew’s face. Andrew gave him a blank expression, as Neil deserved for looking like he was about to ask Andrew if he was sure. Neil sat where he was told, though managing not to actually come into contact with any of Andrew.
Andrew rolled his eyes to himself. Everyone in this room was well aware that he and Neil were more like a couple than not. Matt had walked in on them when Andrew had his arm around Neil on the couch a few weeks ago and everything, something Andrew had no doubt had been instantly gossiped about. Andrew might not be the kind of person who displayed affection in public (or private, really), but he understood the impression this strategy would give and he didn’t really give a shit. And he definitely wouldn’t have put Neil there if he was opposed to them touching for the usual reasons.
Andrew wrapped an arm around Neil’s middle and tugged him impatiently into his chest, tucking his chin on Neil’s shoulder.
‘You make a better door than a window,’ he muttered in justification.
Neil put a hand hesitantly on top of Andrew’s, then let the weight of his arm settle when he wasn’t shaken off. His body relaxed into Andrew’s. He was smiling. Of course he was. He was put on this earth to torment Andrew.
Everyone got settled in. Andrew held out a hand and caught the packet of Maltesers Nicky obligingly threw his way. Renee was solemnly telling Kevin that her faith told her that love was the greatest thing people could do in response to him pleading with her to stop the madness. Allison and Dan were laughing about something with their heads close. Andrew could admit that it was almost comfortable being with these people when they weren’t being tormented by the freshmen.
And then Matt pressed play and Neil sat upright immediately.
‘That is not a regulation court,’ he said, at the same time as Kevin’s outraged, ‘That’s a third of the size it should be!’
Andrew tugged Neil back into his chest as everyone else laughed. Dan wolf whistled as the actor portraying Kevin Knight walked out of the tunnel wearing an extremely tight uniform. The orange that the costume designers had settled on was a less intense, more flattering shade than the actual Fox uniform, which Andrew assumed was the reason Neil was grumbling to himself. At least he wasn’t wearing black.
‘Our Kevin’s hotter,’ Nicky said, to widespread agreement.
‘Are they being loyal?’ Neil asked Andrew in whisper.
‘Honest,’ Andrew murmured back, and Neil nodded, satisfied.
Andrew wondered if he’d ever get used to the way jealousy was truly pointless between them. Neil was both completely trusting and completely uninterested in anyone else.
Jeremy Cox didn’t get a whistle, but he did prompt spirited discussion about whether he or the real Jeremy was hotter, which only died down when Dan said loudly, ‘He isn’t even naked yet! Shut up so we can hear what they’re saying!’
Andrew, though he wouldn't have given his opinion even to Neil without significant resistance, felt it should have been obvious that the real Jeremy was more attractive in general, but this one looked like he could actually fuck a man without asking if he was enjoying it every five seconds. Andrew suspected that the real Jeremy had better thighs, but as he’d never seen him wearing such tiny shorts, it was difficult to make a comparison.
What followed was some incredibly lackluster smack talk, laden with double entendres, transparently an excuse for Knight and Cox to come closer to each other. When Cox said, ‘We’re going to pound you into the ground,’ and Knight grabbed his shirt in anger, Neil scoffed.
‘How are they offended by any of this?’ he demanded.
‘They’re horny, Neil,’ Allison said patiently.
‘I have never once seen him pick up on innuendo when someone hits on him at Eden’s,’ Nicky said.
‘No one hits on me at Eden’s,’ Neil said.
Andrew suppressed the sound of a laugh, but let Neil feel it move his chest. Kevin let out an actually verbal incredulous, ‘Ha!’
‘Are they going to kiss?’ Renee exclaimed, drawing everyone’s attention back to the screen.
Knight and Cox’s faces were indeed very close to each other and they seemed to be breathing heavily, but after a few heated moments Knight shoved Cox away. Cox laughed, which made Knight laugh too, and then Cox’s arm was around Knight’s shoulder.
‘I’m looking forward to our game,’ Cox said, face close to Knight’s ear, ‘but I think we have a rivalry that’s better settled one on one. What do you say, Kevin? Want to do some warm ups with me?’
‘Oh, it’s weird hearing him actually say Kevin,’ Dan said.
‘You might be more experienced than me,’ Knight said, ‘but I have natural talent on my side.’
‘I’ve been playing exy since I was five!’ Kevin said indignantly. ‘I worked for my talent!’
‘This isn’t you,’ Neil said. ‘This is Kevin Knight, a completely unrelated person who sounds more Scottish than Irish.’
‘He’s swinging back and forth,’ Kevin agreed. ‘So long as he doesn’t sound English, I’m more concerned about his exy abilities.’
‘Well fuck you too,’ Neil laughed. In an English accent.
Matt very slowly leaned forward and pressed pause. Andrew twisted in the beanbag to add his contribution to the entire room staring at Neil. In almost any other revelation, Andrew might have pretended he already knew everything there was about Neil, but this was … weird.
‘Mum and I lived in the UK for like, half the time we were on the run,’ Neil said, still sounding very English. Not like the queen, more Alex Turner. The comparison did not do Neil any harm.
‘Hot,’ Allison said.
Yeah, pretty much.
‘What football team do you support,’ Kevin asked, eyes narrowing. Andrew let his head fall back against the beanbag in exasperation.
‘I am not having a repeat of the pro exy team argument,’ Neil said.
‘I won’t sleep in the same room as you if you support United, you Mancunian cunt,’ he said.
‘I’m from fucking Lancashire,’ Neil said, outraged in the way only people who have been mistaken for people who live quite close to where they’re from can be. ‘And Liverpool, for the record.’
‘The Rovers are having a good run,’ Kevin said.
‘I would rather cut off my feet than see Blackburn win the Prem,’ Neil said.
The room was silent. Neil, who could speak with an English accent without any apparent effort, had now revealed an interest in a sport that wasn’t exy. Andrew did not tend to succumb to feelings such as surprise, but this was not something that could be immediately digested.
After a moment, Neil asked, ‘You?’
‘Spurs,’ Kevin said.
‘Shame about the—’
‘Do not,’ Kevin said, deadly serious, ‘say the word lasagna.’
Nicky let out an incredulous laugh. Everyone else seemed too occupied by the situation to register what a truly absurd sentence that was.
‘Been a while since they made the Champions League,’ Neil said, in such an innocent voice that it was obvious that he was being an enormous shit. While still being English. This was so fucking weird.
‘Do we all remember a couple of months ago when Kevin threatened to burn my shorts while I was wearing them because I made casual conversation with Wymack about basketball?’ Matt said.
‘That was at the court,’ Kevin said, as Neil said, ‘That was basketball.’
Neil’s words came out with his Arizona accent again, and Andrew relaxed back into the beanbag. Neil turned slightly to look at him.
‘Sorry,’ he said.
‘I know what I need to,’ Andrew said, keeping his expression safely disinterested. Neil smiled at him and settled back against his chest. In a much lower voice, Andrew said close to Neil’s ear, ‘It was hot,’ and Neil shivered pleasantly.
‘Can we go back to watching porn?’ Nicky said loudly.
Matt hit play and the scene transitioned to Knight and Cox on the court, standing at what was obviously supposed to be the first court line. Kevin drowned out whatever dialogue was happening with yet more complaints about the court size. Andrew was starting to wonder if Kevin and Neil suffering was worth him having to listen to them bitch.
‘That’s absolutely a child’s dealer’s racquet,’ Neil said as Knight picked up a ball with it, having to crouch a little to make the scoop.
Everyone looked at Kevin when his alter ego failed to score a goal from very close range with no defenders. Kevin looked extremely pained, and couldn’t seem to find words. Andrew decided that his suffering was worth it.
‘You don’t have to pretend you can’t play to get lessons from me,’ Cox said, before coming up behind Knight and pressing his body against his, covering Knight’s hand with his own.
‘Love that Jeremy is taller than Kevin in this universe,’ Matt said.
‘What’s to bet Jeremy’s actor also couldn’t score a goal?’ Renee said as the two men on screen dropped their racquets and began making out.
‘Bets!’ Nicky said. ‘Who’s topping!’
‘Jeremy, obviously,’ Andrew said.
‘That’s one for Jeremy,’ Nicky said, ‘Hands up who else.’
‘What’s topping?’ Neil asked Andrew.
‘I did not just hear that,’ Matt said. ‘Neil, holy shit.’
‘The one whose dick goes in the ass,’ Andrew said. ‘As opposed to bottoming.’
Neil accepted this without follow up questions, which Andrew was grateful for. He was suddenly aware of the fact that he had said “obviously” in a way which implied more than he had wanted to about his familiarity with gay porn tropes.
Knight pulled Cox’s shirt over his head and Cox tore Knight’s right down the middle, prompting another whistle from Dan and an, ‘Imagine if our uniforms were that flimsy,’ from Nicky, who sounded like he was indeed imagining it and it wasn’t an unpleasant fantasy.
Cox grabbed Knight by the hair and said, ‘You wanna prove you’re my number one fan?’
‘Is this straight out of your fantasies or what?’ Allison asked Kevin as Cox pushed Knight to his knees.
‘This is my nightmare,’ Kevin said.
‘Because of the exy inaccuracies?’ Neil asked.
‘Mostly,’ Kevin admitted.
‘Holy shit,’ Matt said, as Cox’s shorts dropped to his ankles. ‘That’s impressive even for porn.’
‘How is that even going to fit anywhere?’ Dan said.
‘They’re professionals,’ Nicky said with confidence.
And then the only sound was Knight messily licking and kissing Cox’s dick. Andrew was once more reconsidering his decision to watch porn with a room full of acquaintances and his cousin. Looking at anyone else’s face was not an option, nor was being caught looking like any part of this was affecting him. Andrew had developed a bored poker face long ago, but this was testing it.
He chanced a look at Neil’s expression out of the corner of his eye and he just barely managed to hold back a laugh. Neil was grimacing, about as far from turned on as Andrew had ever seen him. Andrew assumed it was the noises. That, or maybe Neil was secretly homophobic.
Andrew redirected his gaze in time to see Neil turning to make his own examination of the room. Though Andrew hadn’t dared look himself, he would feel confident guessing that no one else minded the show.
Andrew noted, in as detached a way as he could, that Knight was wearing contacts, presumably because Kevin’s green eyes were probably his most praised feature on an annoyingly long list. The contacts were only obvious because Knight doing his best wide-eyed and innocent act in the moment when he finally took Cox’s dick into his mouth properly.
It was becoming increasingly difficult to think of things that were adequate distractions. Ordinarily, he might ground himself. Name one thing he could see (porn), hear (porn), and worse, smell (Neil) and touch (Neil).
The fact that there were other people around should have been more than enough to scare his arousal away. He was far from an exhibitionist. But Neil was protecting him from anyone noticing, and his stupid body had decided that these people, practically strangers, weren’t threats.
Cox’s dick popped from Knight’s mouth and slapped him on the cheek, shiny with spit, and Neil laughed. Andrew looked at the ceiling in supplication.
‘Is this hot?’ Neil asked the group, clearly baffled that he was the only one to have laughed. ‘That was practically slapstick.’
‘Does that settle the bet on whether their relationship is sexual?’ Dan asked. Andrew pretended he didn’t know she was talking about them.
‘Nope,’ Kevin said, having walked in on them making out last week when he was supposed to be in class.
Andrew threw a Malteser at Kevin’s head with some force. The movement required for him to get the angle right made him shift against Neil’s back, which drew Neil’s attention to a decidedly not soft area between them. He turned to look at Andrew incredulously.
‘Really?’ he said.
Andrew’s face turned slightly pink, though his expression didn’t shift from one of boredom. A smile slowly spread across Neil’s face.
‘Shut up and watch the porn,’ Andrew said.
Neil obediently turned back towards the TV, wriggling a little as though getting comfy. Andrew pinched him roughly on the arm and he stopped. Andrew didn’t trust the obedience at all.
Cox was now thrusting very slowly in and out of Knight’s mouth, with almost all of his impressive length actually visible in Knight’s throat. Intellectually, Andrew could understand why Neil’s expression was mildly horrified. That didn’t make it any less hot when Cox held Knight in place by the back of his head and traced his fingers along the bulge.
Andrew was suddenly very envious of Neil’s asexuality. He curled his toes into the carpet and tried to think of literally any other thing that he could think about. His mind, which hated him, suggested exy. He settled for counting the freckles on Neil’s neck and cheek.
‘His poor jaw,’ Renee said mildly, making Andrew look at the screen again. Cox had indeed sped up significantly, and Andrew had no idea how long the blowjob had been going on for. A million years, probably.
‘I’m more concerned about teeth,’ Matt said. ‘Do you think pornstars secretly wear mouthguards?’
‘That’s such a smart idea oh my god,’ Nicky said. ‘Erik—’
‘No,’ Andrew said sternly, saving them all from hearing too much about Nicky’s sex life.
‘Fair,’ Nicky said. ‘But I’m also on Renee’s side here, Kevin should really stick a finger in Jeremy’s ass to hurry this along.’
‘What, just like …’ Neil said.
‘Andrew, oh my god,’ Nicky said. ‘Do I need to sit the two of you down for the gay version of “the talk”?’
‘No,’ Andrew said, folding his forehead into the back of Neil’s shoulder. His face felt like it was on fire. He was too cool for this. He didn’t have a particularly favourable conception of his personal morality, but he had never done anything evil enough to deserve this current situation.
‘Butt stuff feels good, Neil,’ Nicky said in a condescending voice. ‘Take a shit before you try it though.’
Nicky laughed and put his hands up to protect his head from the snacks thrown at him from multiple angles, not remotely deterred by the complaints around him. Instead, he was defending himself by saying that no one ever mentioned it in the romance novels and that he had a duty of care to make sure his adoptive son didn’t get shit on his— At which point, Alison helpfully pressed a cushion to Nicky’s face. Andrew hoped she would kill him all the way dead.
Neil opened his mouth and Andrew’s hand shot up to smother his words before his brain had even processed why that was so necessary, as instinctive as flinching away from a hot stove. He was grateful for this when he realised consciously that Neil had been about to clarify his question.
Andrew had understood Nicky’s suggestion because he had an internet connection and had seen the advice before, but shortening things was not why Andrew introduced anal into his and Neil’s sex life. It wasn’t a means to an end for them. Andrew needed it to be as far removed from domination and punishment as it could be, and Neil was helping him build up some much more positive associations.
Neil, clearly annoyed at being silenced, squirmed a little. Andrew’s fingers dug into Neil’s cheek and he felt Neil smile into his palm. Somehow, possibly because Andrew was god’s favourite chewtoy, he was still very much hard.
‘I will end you,’ Andrew murmured in Neil’s ear.
He let his hand fall away when Neil angled his face to whisper back, ‘Want me to leave?’
Andrew gripped Neil’s hip in place. Andrew was too familiar with the give of Neil’s skin there, and the association did not help matters.
‘Considering you signed us up for this thinking it would torture me, this feels kind of like karma,’ Neil said lowly, shifting again.
‘Junkie,’ Andrew warned.
‘Yes or no?’ Neil asked, and the small thread of panic that had been building within Andrew evaporated.
This was Neil. Andrew always had a choice. He was often pissed off, but that didn’t make him any less safe.
Andrew took a deep breath. He glanced to the others. Dan was sitting on Matt’s lap, and Andrew was pretty confident that he and Matt shared motivations in their seating choices there. Nicky was modest enough to have a cushion casually on his lap, but unashamed enough that he didn’t feel the need to be subtle about it. Kevin was crouched in the corner of the couch with his knees hugged to his chest.
Andrew was not alone in his condition. The only one among them who didn’t have a certain brightness to their features was Neil—
Who was asking yes or no …
Who was open to being turned on too, even if porn didn’t do it for him.
Who was a bit too smug about porn not doing it for him.
‘Yes,’ Andrew breathed onto Neil’s neck, tracing the inside of Neil’s waistband near his hip as he did.
Neil swallowed, suddenly still. Andrew hid his smile in the back of Neil’s neck. Someone had forgotten that he didn’t have total immunity.
‘Yes or no?’ Andrew asked, letting a fingertip wander to Neil’s Adonis belt.
‘Yes,’ Neil said instantly.
Andrew felt a twinge of annoyance at how knee-jerk the response was. It would have been so much easier to know that Neil would keep Andrew in check; his unconditional trust meant that Andrew had to be the one to know when to apply the brakes for both of them.
But really, Andrew would have had a hand resting on the emergency brake anyway. Every time Neil’s terrifying faith resulted in something good for both of them, he felt something like security in himself. If not in his actions, at least in the knowledge that his intentions were in favour of Neil, and that Neil would never doubt that.
This could end with one or both of them angry and embarrassed. But even if it did, they would get over it. Knowing that felt safer than any amount of confidence in a set outcome ever had.
Cox pulled out of Knight’s mouth with a sloppy noise that made Neil wince, before coming in thick squirts over Knight’s face. Neil turned his face down and averted his eyes, and Andrew knocked his forehead gently into Neil’s.
‘Figure out how to get me out of here without anyone looking at my dick and we can bail,’ Andrew said quietly.
Neil brightened, straightening and meeting Andrew’s eyes with such earnestness Andrew almost couldn’t stand it. Almost. He was getting used to that feeling too.
‘We’re closest to the TV,’ Neil whispered. ‘So we’ll just walk away and out the front door, there’s only one direction to hide from.’
‘Thereby increasing the number of people who might see me to the entire world,’ Andrew muttered.
Neil ignored this, and instead leapt to his feet like a puppy who had heard the lead jingle, pulling Andrew up almost before he’d registered the absence of Neil’s warmth.
‘This has been super fun, guys,’ Neil said, talking rapidly and pulling Andrew towards the door with such urgency that Andrew couldn’t help but drag his feet. ‘But Andrew told me he’d let me stop watching if I bought him ice cream with unlimited toppings every day for the next month and I am super willing to do that.’
Alison started to protest, but Neil was already closing the door behind them. In the hallway, Neil stayed so close their chests were touching as he looked left and right. The hall was empty for now, but they were far from safe.
Andrew was suddenly struck with the absurdity of the situation. It felt like they were in a fucking heist movie. He hadn’t been so close to genuine laughter since the medication wore off.
‘Whenever you want to snap out of it,’ Neil teased.
‘You have one,’ Andrew said. ‘It takes a minute. It doesn’t help that you’re … here.’
Neil grinned, too pleased with himself for this small acknowledgement that maybe having the body of someone Andrew was frequently having sex with with pressed up against him wasn’t helping him shake off an erection.
‘Come on,’ Neil said. ‘We’ll go to the roof. Maybe it’ll be easier for me to join you than the other way around. You can help me out with how completely ignorant I am about how guys get off together.’
‘That did absolutely nothing for you?’ Andrew asked, walking much closer than usual to Neil.
‘Knowing that you were turned on did,’ Neil said.
‘Predictable,’ Andrew said.
Neil laughed. Andrew’s returning smile was small, but genuine.
He was getting used to that too.