Chapter Text
Obi-Wan sat cross legged on the floor in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. He was as still as a statue and barely breathing soundlessly through his nose. The only sound around him was the tinkering and soft pattering of water flowing in artificial streams and of tiny fountains. All else was still. This spot had always been a favourite of his even before his padawan years with Master Jinn. The Force drew him here one evening when he was six years old and called to him. Touching the Force was easier here in the silence than most other places he had been to, barring Force Nexus. Here he felt at home.
Obiwan loosened his awareness of the physical plane and let himself slip into a meditative state. He allowed himself to feel the force coalescence into something solid in his mind and set a distance between himself and the rest of the Force. Boundaries meant little though when dealing with an entity that bound all things together. He felt the force swirl within and whirl around him in indecipherable currents; crashing against each other, merging and diverging in intricate patterns within space and time. The Force within him yearned to touch and join its Greater Part, but not yet, there were things he had to do first. He distanced himself away from outer force and erected a wall. With his distance and mental walls secure, certain he would disturb no one, Obi-Wan allowed his feelings to surge up to meet him.
Guilt. His stint as Rako Hardeen had hurt many people close to him. Now that he was not in mission mode he could see how he had put people through unnecessary heartbreak. It had been reckless on his part and he knew it. Anakin had been so angry and betrayed as he had every right to be. Obi-Wan had deliberately chosen to play on Anakin’s feelings. Despite his reasons, and he had many, Obi-Wan knew what he had done to Anakin and others had been on the verge of cruel yet…
The guilt clawed at him and tugged violently on his conscience. Obi-Wan shrugged it off and focused on the next incoming emotion.
Hurt. So much hurt. Once again another one of his actions had cost him dearly. Images of past and present flickered in his mind: memories of the deaths of loved ones and innocent ones. There were spoken words that had cut so deep and left littered scars all about him. There was so much hurt it felt like he was swimming in an icy lake- his whole being felt taut with pain. It took everything Obi-Wan had to fight the rising pain and keep it locked it within his mental shields. The assault continued and he felt like he could hardly breathe. Breathing in his own mind he mused distantly. Torture under Ventress had given him the ability to be quite lucid when he was in pain or it had delayed the onsets of pain induced delirium in him; either or, Obi-Wan didn’t particularly care. The ability had come in handy more times than he could count in the war.
Abundant Sadness followed, and it felt like he was falling through an unending chasm. An aching loneliness that echoed throughout his soul endlessly, fading out into eternity. I am so sorry, Anakin. I failed you again. It seems I am always bound to fail those I love. The sentence had long since lost its bitterness after Melida-Daan. He had come to accept then that a lot of what he did would never be enough. He remembered, in fact, coming to that conclusion in the exact same spot he was in now. I wish I could teach you properly, show you the true paths of light. I wish I had died that day on Naboo, and then Qui-Gon could have trained you. The thought had crossed his mind a few times in Anakin’s apprenticeship when it had become apparent that Anakin shared a lot of traits with Obi-Wan’s late former Master. The first time it had happened, Anakin had been ranting about appreciating the moments in life and lurking about like stuffy old Jedi. Grief had hit Obi-Wan hard in that moment, so much so that Anakin had stopped mid-rant and looked at him weirdly. Obi-Wan did not remember what he had said next but he was certain that was one of many things he had handled badly in Anakin’s apprenticeship. I would give my life a thousand times over to make you happy. I have given everything else. Obi-Wan paused and considered his words, they were true. Raw and honest in a way that frightened him just a little. The number of concessions he had made for Anakin had been staggering. But I cannot dwell on a past that I cannot change. I am in the here and now. I accept that. So I will give all that I can to you, to everyone and to the Force. I can right my wrongs and learn from my mistakes. So whatever comes, may the Force be with us all. If infinite sadness is the path I must take for the sake of light, so be it. There is no passion, there is peace.
With that, Obi-Wan let the force embrace him. He let it flood his body and his mind. For the first time in a long while he felt peace in a way that could only be described as transcendent. It was not just peace in his emotions; it was peace in his very core- with who he was. He had not felt that in a very long while. Obi-Wan found himself deep in the Unifying Force, immersed in the very fabric of space and time so much that they both lost meaning to the light of infinity and eternity. Obi-Wan had always been spectacularly gifted in the Unifying Force. The bonds of destiny always spoke to him loudest. His Master, Qui-Gon who had been more gifted in the Living Force, had always emphasised the importance of focusing on the here and now that nothing was as concrete as it seemed. As a result, Obi-Wan had spent a lot of his life sharpening his connection to the Living Force and this was only made worse when he took on an apprentice who seemed to radiate the Living Force sometimes.
Maintaining a hold on his immersion in the force, which was difficult as all this was quite new to him, Obi-Wan brought his focus into the present moment. With time back in focus, Obi-Wan took a glance at the incorporeal state of the galaxy and he finally understood what Master Yoda meant by the future was clouded. Before he lost himself in the foray of prescience and insanity, Obi-Wan focused on his location and he was brought back into the temple. He almost gasped at what he felt. Obi-Wan could feel the molecular differences in the ground, plants, water and air all at the same time; provided it was in a about ten metre radius and the differences he felt were vague at best. Most Jedi could only feel a few objects at a time while skilled Jedi like Mace Windu could feel the precise molecular nature of a structure if they focused. He had heard stories of Master Koon freezing water with the force even. At the moment, Obi-Wan felt as if was the space around him was a part of him or he was a part of it. It felt odd like he had abruptly gained an extra limb.
Obi-Wan was in awe. He felt as if he had just broken a barrier in his understanding of the Force. It was overwhelming that he had missed so much of the Force and even now he barely understood what had happened or why. He felt a gentle smile grace his lips whilst suppressing a laugh. With the war and everything going on, he had missed this discovery of the Force. He could not even remember the last time he had just delved into the force for the sake of learning. He wanted to tell Anakin about this. His mind paused, Anakin was still angry with him. Obi-Wan had to apologise first.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan became aware of Anakin’s force signature very close to him; his presence a supernova shining brightly for all force-sensitives to see. Anakin’s presence swirled in its usual chaotic state that made many Jedi uncomfortable but Obi-Wan had long since learnt to draw comfort from it. Obi-Wan had even learnt to judge Anakin’s emotions from the swirling of his signature regardless of any shields Anakin put up. At the moment, his presence moved slowly but steadily suggesting he was totally engrossed in what he was doing but his light had melancholic glow to it. Obi-Wan wondered why?
Opening his eyes, Obi-Wan saw Anakin looking at him with vacant eyes and called out softly,
“Anakin.”
Anakin was furious. He felt so betrayed by Obi-Wan’s actions concerning the Rako Hardeen incident. How could he trust him if Obi-Wan could so callously use his emotions like that? Their last argument was explosive on Anakin’s part and pretty much one-sided as Anakin refused to listen to anymore of Obi-Wan’s platitudes.
“I don’t understand how Qui-Gon, who showed so much feeling for a Jedi, raised such an emotionless droid who does not understand the concept of loyalty or blasted communication! It is not difficult to treat people as mere objects Obi-Wan or to at least consider their feelings in a matter. At least not for anyone else! I always wondered whether you cared. Now I have my answer!”Anakin remembered slamming the door with the force and stalking his way across the Temple, serenity be damned, to the transport station and heading straight to vent to Padme. Padme was very understanding, nodding and voicing assent until the very end where she had asked him,
“What did Obi-Wan say to all this?”
“Nothing! I walked out! I am tired of hearing him justify himself! I told him I did not want to hear nor do I care what he has to say!” Anakin had sensed a bit of worry and anxiety off of Padme and turned to see her bring out a holodisk with a note on it;
Anakin, I am deeply sorry about what happened with Rako Hardeen. I have lectured you time and time again on thinking things through and this time I am guilty of not doing so. I know this gift is hardly going to make up for what happened and I am certain that you will not want to see me for a while, but I thought it might be a good enough gesture of apology on my part. I am proud of what you have become Anakin, a much better man than I am. Sorry again. May the force be with you. Obi-Wan.
“He left it last night thinking that he would find you here. He said you weren’t in your apartment but then you rarely ever were anyway.” Padme said softly. The holodisk was an engineer’s manual of a new war ship that had just come out. Any other time, Anakin would have been excited but now he felt a mixture of distaste and guilt rise up within him. This was hardly playing fair he thought to himself.
“Anakin,” Padme said softly, “Obi-Wan may not show it, but he does care. Last night, he told me that he knew about us. That he had known it would happen since before Geonosis. He tells you about the Council’s program so that you do not get caught by them whenever we make plans. He has forgiven you for your multiple wrongs and the lies you have told him, maybe it’s time you do the same for him.” Anakin felt himself begin to pout until he realised,
“He knows!”
Padme rolled her eyes, “Of course that’s what you pick up. He knew all along. So, you still aren’t smarter than him. Go to him and apologise.”
Anakin pouted stubbornly but before he spoke Padme interrupted him, “He is my friend as well Ani, and I may have forgotten that with all the sneaking around these past few years.” Padme looked out the window and Anakin felt a bit of guilt emanate from her. “Go to him,” she repeated, “and make it right.” They had lunch together but her words stayed with him. Late into the afternoon he left to seek out his former master. Anakin arrived at the Jedi Temple in the last few minutes of twilight and hurried inside. Obi-Wan’s presence in the force was minimal and Anakin could not pin him down. After searching, Anakin found him alone in the Room of a Thousand Fountains partially obscured by some huge ferns. He could sense Obi-Wan’s mind double barricaded from others and the force. His shields melded together above and below, effectively encasing him from any subtle outside probing. The remnants of their Master-Padawan bond were silent but intact. If there was an area where Anakin would admit that Obi-Wan utterly outclassed him in power and skill, it was the use of the force on the mind. It required deftness and a mental agility that Anakin could never hope to replicate from Obi-Wan. He always marveled whenever he saw Obi-Wan use force suggestion on multiple people and sometimes he swore he felt the force shift in Obi-Wan’s favour when he was negotiating.
Looking on now, Anakin realised that Obi-Wan had done the exact same thing when Master Siri Tachi had died some years back. Obi-Wan had barricaded himself within himself and done something that had made Master Yoda come to their room and upon seeing Anakin’s Master, Master Yoda’s ear had drooped and Anakin had never seen such sorrow in Yoda’s eyes. When Anakin had quietly asked what was happening, Yoda had said,
“Bearing a burden of a thousand worlds, he is.”
Now, Anakin knew he was the reason Obi-Wan was here tonight and the feeling of guilt was back, niggling in his mind. But I am not the only one to blame, Anakin thought. This time, Anakin had more training and he could feel that whatever the shields were meant to contain, they were struggling. He could feel something enormous pressing against the shields from the other side. Suddenly, Anakin felt a surge on the shields and he thought they would shatter. He stepped closer to help his Master, when emotion flooded the bond they shared and Anakin froze. Anakin had felt powerful emotions before; anger, grief, rage and love. But this was different, it was purely emotional yet he could feel it on a physical level screaming into his being. It was too much; he couldn’t close the connection between them from his end. All he could do was suppress his mounting horror and distress and send as much of Obi-Wan’s overflowing emotion into the force as possible. He had little to no experience in managing emotional overflow from a bond as Obi-Wan always kept his emotions in check and Ahsoka was not prone to emotional overloads. It was getting hard to breathe.
Breathing in my mind, Anakin heard Obi-Wan’s wry voice and for a moment Anakin thought he had been discovered only to realise that Obi-Wan had felt the overwhelming pressure as well. How is he calm in all of that? Anakin was bewildered. Memories began to filter through their bond as well. Obi-Wan as a young teen sent to Bandomeer without a Master. The desolation Obi-Wan felt and the words “I tried so hard” ring in his head. Then there were the early years with a distant Qui-Gon still mourning his beloved fallen Xanatos. Obi-Wan trying so hard to prove he was worth something, pouring his very soul into everything to receive nothing in the end. He sees Qui-Gon holding a younger Anakin’s hand and say he will train him and finally sees the pause in the whole council as they all, except the younger Anakin and Qui-Gon, feel a heart crack open to wide chasm and hear the thought I suppose I am still worthless after all this time. After all this, I will not get to be a Jedi at all. The betrayal is so thick in Obi-Wan that all of the hero worship Anakin felt for Qui-Gon dims till it is but a distant memory. Looking back at the council he realises they can hear these thoughts, Obi-Wan has spent everything on blocking them from Qui-Gon. In fact, he can see a shadow of sorrow cross the face of a usually stoic Master Windu before the Korun wipes it off with a vengeance born of Vaapad. This is why they said no on top of everything else Anakin thinks. Anakin would have said no as well if it weren’t his own future being decided. The next thought from Obi-Wan shocks him to the core. If my dream will not be realised then come Little One let us make a Jedi of you. It would be an honour, not for the Chosen one but for you, Anakin. The rest of the visions and thoughts pass on in a blur. All Anakin could hear was “not for the chosen one but for you, Anakin.” An act of selflessness that he had come to expect from his Master, but to see it so early on when Anakin had done nothing to deserve it.
Anakin comes to sensing Obi-Wan in a lonely emptiness and catches the thought, I would give my life ten thousand times over to make you happy. I have given everything else. It is true, Anakin thinks softly. It is true. How had he never seen it? Anakin had been looking for grand gestures, loud proclamations and gifts. But Obi-Wan was never like that. Yes, Obi-Wan had a flair for the dramatic but his truest emotions were loaded in his neutral speech Anakin realises. Obi-Wan’s loudest proclamations were in simple gestures just like his loudest rebukes were in soft genial tones. That was who he was.
Suddenly, Anakin felt a determination rise up within Obi-Wan. It wasn’t fierce because fierce would mean brutal or overbearing but it was unyielding; unstoppable like a rising sun. Obi-Wan opened himself up to the force and Anakin watched with silent awe. Peace swept through Obi-Wan like a flood, Anakin watched Obi-Wan surrender his feelings to the force not deny them. There is no passion, there is peace. For the first time, Anakin thought he understood. The statement was not meant to deny emotion, it was meant as an alignment to light. Despite the pain you feel and your deepest desire to flee, to still choose to serve others. It was confusing but Anakin could not deny the glory in the moment, so he decided to dwell in the peace of Obi-Wan’s presence rather than think about it.
He felt himself sink into a relaxing meditation with an ease he was not used to. Anakin could feel Obi-Wan’s depth in the Unifying Force, Obi-Wan’s contentment. He needed this, Anakin thought. Anakin never tried to meditate on or pursue the Unifying Force in detail and from what he heard, Qui-Gon was not a fan of it either. Obi-Wan thrived in it; lived off its unending complexity and enormity. Anakin kept himself from diving into the Unifying Force as deeply as Obi-Wan because even at the surface he could feel his sense of self perilously wandering. Power did not equal skill and results especially in the Unifying Force and Anakin resented that just a bit.
Anakin was content to float on the waves of Obi-Wan’s presence and he was so content he did not feel Obi-Wan’s presence focus on him until Anakin heard the accented voice he had come to know so well.
“Anakin.”