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It had been days since I'd slept well. Days since I didn't nearly wake up screaming, thrashing, and scaring the heck out of Rocky, who thought I was sick or that I was being attacked by something he couldn't see.
My stupid human brain had decided that since we were on our way to Erid, to Rocky's home, now would be a perfect time for me to not go a single night without remembering my final moments on Earth - lungs bursting as I sprinted, the cold air on my body as I ran, face pressed into the damp soil, hands all over me, and that stupid needle in my neck.
Every single night. For the last week. I'd close my eyes and all I could do was relive my worst moment, the epitome of my cowardice, and the ultimate betrayal for the sake of all of humanity.
I didn't blame Stratt and everyone else. I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. They wanted to live just as bad as I did, so I was a sacrificial lamb for them. I'd made my peace with it.
Or at least I thought I did. My brain had other plans.
"Grace sleep now, question?" Rocky asked me, pushed right up against my side as I sat reading a pirated book on the computer.
I'd been trying to sleep as little as possibly lately, scared of having that memory again and again and again. I didn't know how much I could take. Living it once was bad enough. Reliving it every night was its own special version of hell.
"Not yet," I told him. "I'm not tired yet," I lied.
We both knew that it had been over 24 hours since I last slept and that I couldn't stop myself from yawning. We both knew that I was pushing myself past the brink of exhaustion. We both knew that I wasn't sleeping because I didn't want to wake up screaming again. Only one of us knew what made me wake up though.
"Grace need sleep soon. Grace not sleep in over 86,400 seconds. Need sleep soon, humans weak and fragile," he chided me gently.
"I know," I muttered, stifling a yawn that begged to escape - my body desperately needing sleep despite my valiant fight against it.
I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't. I couldn't face that same situation, knowing what would happen but making the same decisions anyway, unable to change the outcome no matter how hard I tried. It's like I was stuck in the worst time loop in history, forced to relive my own poor choices and the consequences I brought onto myself.
Rocky didn't push as the time continued, hours passing with my nose buried in the book - a desperate attempt to keep my brain active - while he made little figures of his family and friends out of xenonite.
I was thankful for that. He hadn't pushed me to tell him about what my brain showed me each night, understanding that it was painful and scary, that I didn't want to talk about it.
I knew it hurt him though. Being unable to protect me from myself made him feel like he was back with his old crew - an observer, unable to intervene, no matter how hard he tried to help. This wasn't a battle he could fight for me. I couldn't even fight it myself. What could he even do to fight my own head?
Shutting the laptop, I yawned loudly, unable to prevent myself from letting it escape and signaling my alien babysitter that it was time for me to rest.
"Grace sleep now," he demanded. "Grace tired, need sleep."
"I'm okay, buddy. I'll sleep in a bit," I told him, wanting to push off the inevitable.
"No. Grace sleep now," he argued with me. "Tired human is stupid, angry human. Rocky no want deal with stupid, pissy Grace."
"Hey!"
"Sleep."
His tone ended any argument I may have tried to start. He was serious about me sleeping and taking care of myself. I knew he'd throw a fit and get on my case if I didn't do as he said, so I relented despite how anxious it made me.
"Rocky watch over Grace," he comforted, noting my rising cortisol and adrenaline levels I'm sure. "Grace sleep well. Rocky watch."
I pulled my lips into a tight smile, the best I could muster right now, and curled up on my makeshift bed - a mattress from the med bay that had been wrapped in blankets and pillows into a nest. I wrapped a blanket around me as Rocky settled himself right in front of me, loafing like a cat with his legs under him as he prepared to watch over me.
The heat from being under the blanket and the comfort of the bed made me realize just how tired I was. I fought to keep my eyes open, to push off the inevitable for a moment longer, but I knew it was a losing battle as my eyes fluttered, to heavy to keep open any longer.
"Sleep well, Grace," Rocky whispered as my eyes shut, leaving me in darkness and trapped in the confines of my mind.
~~~
Stratt sat across from me, dressed in that cream sweater that haunted my mind each and every night.
"It would have been easier if you'd just said yes," she told me, calm as can be, like this was a usual occurrence for her, sending someone to die. Then again, I guess it was. She had already cleared 6 people to die if needed, what was one more?
I knew what was coming. I knew that I should just accept this and go on my own accord. But my mouth and body refused to listen, forced to repeat my mistakes over again.
"No!" I cried out, tears filling my eyes. "You can't do that! I won't do it! This is insane!" I yelled, panicking now even though I knew what was coming. It's like I was an observer more than an active force in this.
"Believe it or not, Dr. Grace, I kind of like you," she admitted. "I don't respect you very much, but I do think you're a fundamentally good man."
"Easy for you to say," I spat at her, standing up from my seat now, body on edge and ready to make a break for it. "You're no the one being murdered! You're murdering me! I don't want to die!" I shouted. "Don't send me off to die! Please!" I begged, unable to do anything other than watch this play out through my own eyes.
"I don't like this any more than you do, Dr. Grace," Stratt told me, her voice pained and low, like she was physically hurting herself by doing this. "If it's any consolation, you'll be hailed as a hero. If Earth survives this, there'll be statues of you all over the place."
"I won't do it! I'll sabotage the mission! You kill me?! Fine! I'll kill your mission!" I shouted at her, speaking out of pure pain and anger.
God, how stupid I had been? Threatening the lives of billions out of desperation. How low could one man get?
"No, you won't," she shook her head at me, gesturing for a small group of men to enter the room, walking towards me as I backed away to the corner, climbing up onto the counter, doing anything I could to get out of their reach. "For what's it worth, I am sorry, Dr. Grace."
Those were the last word I heard from her as I took off towards the open door to her office, sprinting as her goons chased after me, hot on my heels as I moved as fast as my body would let me.
I could hear them shouting behind me, their boots heavy on the ground as they tried to catch up to me. I did my best. I did all I could to make sure they didn't. It wasn't enough.
I neared the fence, no plan on how to get over it - god, I was truly screwed no matter what happened - before I was flat on the ground, tackled from the side and pressed into the soil.
Damp. Cold. Heavy.
Sensations covered my body as I cried, tears rolling down my cheeks, and screamed, begging them not to kill me, not to send me off.
"No! Please!" I begged, hands heavy on my back, holding me tightly no matter how much I thrashed and fought until a sharp prick, a needle, entered my neck, knocking me unconscious before I was sent to my death and my grave.
~~~
"Grace! Grace! Wake please," a familiar voice pleaded.
I didn't know if I was back with Stratt or awake, the pressure on my back freaking me out even more as I screamed and fought.
"No! No! Get off me!" I cried out, fighting against the heavy weight on me - hands covering me, holding me down, leaving me unable to fight back. I was powerless again. I was being killed again. "No!"
"Grace! Is okay! Is Rocky! Was only dream!" He attempted to comfort me, but it was all for naught.
I pushed against the weight on me as hard as I could, getting it off of me as I tumbled out of the bed, nearly breaking something in the mess of blankets that wrapped around me, restraining me even more.
"No!" I shouted again, pushing my back against the cool metal wall, gasping for air as I took in my surroundings.
Bright lights filled my vision with a familiar, worried friend in front of me as I realized where I was. I was on the Hail Mary. It was just a memory. It had already happened.
I began sobbing immediately, pulling my knees up to my chest as my mind struggled to grapple with what I had experienced. This had been worse than the other times. At least then, I knew where I was when I woke up.
"Grace okay, question?" Rocky asked softly, approaching me like a scared animal, like I might take off at any moment.
I didn't respond, opting to press my head between my knees as the tears continued to fall, gasping breaths leaving my mouth as I tried to calm myself.
"Is okay," he hummed gently, placing himself in front of me, slightly diagonal. "Rocky here. Rocky keep Grace safe."
I sobbed harder, holding an arm out toward him, letting him press himself into my side, his warm hamster ball helping to relax me.
"I'm sorry," I muttered through my tears. "You shouldn't have to put up with a stupid, leaky human."
"Leaky, yes, Grace not stupid. Grace scared. Is okay. Talk when ready, Rocky no force. Rocky no leave Grace. Never leave Grace, statement."
I don't know how long we stayed like that, him pressed against me as I tried to calm myself down. Rocky didn't push, didn't talk or try to make me do anything other than exist in the moment. He was the solid hope I was clinging to right now and I think he knew that.
"Grace okay, question?" He asked gently as my breathing calmed down, my tears drying to my cheeks, leaving my eyes red and sore.
"Yeah," I whispered. "I'm okay."
"Grace lie. Rocky deal long enough, Grace need talk about what happen."
"I don't want to," I told him, my voice getting stronger now. "It's none of your business anyway."
"Is Rocky business!" He shouted at me, angry with my attitude and inability to help myself. "Rocky watch Grace yell and scream! Rocky watch Grace in pain and no able help! Make Rocky feel useless, can't even protect weak human from own mind!"
"It's not your concern, Rocky! I made a poor decision, now I get to live with it! This is me living with it!" I yelled, standing up and walking away from him.
"What decision, question?! What Grace do so bad?!" He shouted back at me, running his ball into the back of my legs. "Why Grace torture self every night?!"
"Because I was selfish, okay?! I never agreed to come on this mission!"
My voice echoed through the ship, bouncing off the metallic walls as Rocky and I both went quiet. I had said it. The truth was out there.
"What Grace mean, question?" He spoke softly, unsure as to how to proceed. "Grace in space. How no agree, question?"
"I never volunteered to come here," I told him, embarrassed and guilty and feeling every bit of my own selfishness. "The two scientists who were supposed to come died in an accident. There were no other backups and it would have taken months to train someone new. I was the best for the job, the only person who knew astrophage the best. I was asked to come up here, to die for humanity,and I said no. I was so scared to die, so I put myself above everyone else. I weighed my own life as worth more than millions," I continued, Rocky remaining silent as I spoke. "So, Stratt, the lady running the project, made the hard choice. She forced me on this ship and sent me out here."
"I'm not some brave astronaut," I said, tears beginning to run again. "I'm a coward who had to be forced up here for the safety of all humanity. I'm not who you think I am. I'm sorry," I concluded, wiping the tears off of my face as I looked down at my companion, the friend I had been lying to for months.
"Rocky need minute."
And just like that, I was alone. He said he wouldn't leave, but he did. Rocky had left the room, probably too ashamed and upset to even stand wanting to look at the stupid, useless, cowardly human for even one moment longer.
Despite my best attempts, I couldn't hold back the full force of my tears now. I had been abandoned and betrayed by anyone I would have considered a friend and I didn't even blame them. I did this to myself with my own inability to be strong, to be brave, to do what was right. This was my fault and mine alone. I had forced their hands and I couldn't blame them for that.
I curled up on the floor, not having the energy to stand as I sobbed. My brain kept repeating the same phrases over and over: stupid human, coward, mistake, useless. Any insult that could be applied to me was echoing in my head. Any insult that could be applied to me was echoing in my head.
I deserved all of this. I should have died in space alone. I should have-
"Grace?" Rocky small voice called out to me, rolling back into the room. "Rocky sorry, need moment process lot new information. Human body too loud. What wrong, question?"
"I'm so sorry, Rock," I blubbered through my tears. "I'm so sorry I lied and that I'm not brave and that-"
"Grace no need be sorry," Rocky comforted, pressing his ball against my legs. "Rocky sorry Grace force come on mission."
"I'm such a coward," I lamented, rubbing the tears off of my face, not really processing what he had said earlier. "My life isn't worth everyone on Earth."
"Is not," Rocky agreed. "But Grace no should been forced to space. Understand fear. Space and death scary. Grace no need be scared now. Rocky here. Rocky protect Grace."
"You're not mad at me?"
"Rocky never mad at Grace. Understand Grace want live. Grace brave human now, risk self and life for Erid, for Rocky. Not brave before, brave now."
I cried even harder, moving onto my knees to pull Rocky into a tight hug as he continued.
"Grace bravest human Rocky know. Always bravest."
"That's cause I'm the only human you know, buddy," I chuckled out, my tears slowly stopping as a smile found placement on my face
"Yes! Is joke!"
"Thanks, Rock."
"No problem, no need thank. Rocky always here for Grace. Rocky always support Grace, even when Grace no think Grace deserve it."