Work Text:
“Do you ever just feel like shit?”
“What?”
Jisung turns his head to the side, resting it against his arm. Chan looks down at him from where he's seated at his desk chair, fingers hovering over his laptop keys.
“Like, for no reason,” Jisung mumbles. “Everything is going perfectly fine, and then like, you just feel like shit.”
Jisung waits for a response, studying Chan's face.
“Sungie…” Chan’s hushed voice sounds. “Whats going on?”
Jisung lets out a heavy sigh. His eyes start to burn with the threat of tears, but he holds them back.
“I don’t know,” he starts. “Like I said, everything was fine. It has been fine. I’ve been fine all day. But it's like, as soon as I’m not focused on something, I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear.” Jisung waits for Chan to say something, but he doesn't. He just holds his gaze. Watching.
“Everythings been great recently. There's been no hiccups in production. No re-shoots needed for filming. No meeting cancellations.” Jiusng takes in a shaky breath. “Everyone is getting along right now. Fans are being a normal amount of creepy. My voice isnt fucked up. I’m not sick. And yet…” Jisung pauses. “I just feel so drained. It's like, as soon as the adrenaline from the day wears off, as soon as the cameras turn off and I have nothing else to do, I just– I shut down.” Jisung can't stop it as a few tears slide down his face. He doesn't move his hand to wipe them away.
Chan retracts his hands from his keyboard, wrapping them around himself tightly. “Jisung, do you always feel like this?” Jisung can hear the worry through his voice, even though he's trying to mask it.
“No,” he whispers. “Not all the time.”
There's a pause, hanging heavy in the air.
“What about recently?”
“Yes.”
Jisung grabs at a stray strand of hair hanging in his face, tugging it gently and working it between his fingers. He hears the sound of Chan's laptop shutting, and then the bed dips beside him. A warm hand covers his own, stopping it from messing with his hair. Chan brings Jisung's hand down from his face, revealing his own worried eyes; the hands are no longer blocking Jisung's line of sight.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Chan's gentle voice breaks Jisung out of a trance he hadn't known he was in. Jisung nods softly, taking in a few more shaky breaths.
“I guess… I guess I just don't understand why I feel like this. I always feel so lonely, even when I know I’m not. I have the members– and other friends as well– but recently, every time I get back for the night, I don't know. I guess it's kinda like a sense of dread. Everything feels fake. Like I’m separated from myself. Every emotion I felt and portrayed earlier in the day was a different version of me. All of the jokes I made, not actually mine. All of the times I got praised for doing something right, it never made its way back to me. Like there's someone else, living my life around others, gathering up every good emotion and feeling. And every time I’m alone, or have time to try and rest for the day, that person vanishes. Leaving me with nothing.”
Jisung stops for a moment, letting himself breathe. He feels a hand run through his hair and over his scalp, gently brushing the strands out of his eyes.
“That person is the one who is friends with everyone. He's the one who has the relationships. He's the one who looks the way I want to. He's the one that's unaffected by criticism and doesn't take it to heart. But when he's gone– It's just me. It feels like these relationships aren't mine. Like it's all fake. He looks the way I imagine myself to be, but when he's gone and I look in the mirror, I look nowhere near the same. And as soon as he leaves, it's like my shield breaks. All the criticism I heard during the day, every time I messed up, all of the disapproving looks from others– it all hits me.”
Jisung feels more hot tears slide across his cheeks, over the bridge of his nose and down.
“So, even when everything is fine and couldn't be more perfect, when I’m finally alone, I feel like shit.” Jisung sniffles, feeling the way he's become congested from his emotions. “And fuck. Something's definitely wrong, because I feel like shit and I’m not even alone. I’m with you,” Jisung sobs. He struggles to hold back his cries, not wanting Chan to see him falling apart.
“It’s okay, Sungie,” Chan coos into his ear, pulling them closer together. Jisung lets himself be held for a moment, focusing on controlling his emotions.
“Jisung,” Chan starts again. “I know you think the fact that you're with me right now and still feeling that way is bad, but I actually think it's good.”
Jisung sniffles again, shaking with a tiny laugh of disbelief. “Why would this be good?” Chan moves his hand, running it over the expanse of Jisung's back.
“When you feel like shit, it's because it's those moments where you can be completely vulnerable with yourself. Fully letting down your walls and observing. You’re being vulnerable with me right now. Letting me see the you behind the ‘other person’. And I know you don't like what you see, but there's ways to work through that. Dealing with those emotions on your own is hard, Jisung. Trust me, I’ve been through some of them. But once I was able to open up to someone else, it was easier to deal with. It got better.”
Jisung clenches his fist in his shirt, balling the fabric up.
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel normal.”
“You’re already taking the first steps to getting there,” Chan reassures. “And I’ll be there the whole way. If you ever feel bad and don’t want to be alone with your thoughts, I’m here, Aegi. You can always lean on me.”
Jisung nods, shuffling closer into Chan's embrace.
A moment of silence hangs in the air.
“Do you like the real me?” Jisng asks softly, voice far, far away. He feels Chan’s exhale rustle his hair.
“Aegi, I love you,” Chan assures. “All of you.”
Tight arms make their way around Jisung's body, pulling them even closer together. Chan places a soft kiss on top of Jisung's hair, running his hand up and down his back.
“Hyung?” Jisung whispers.
“Mhm.”
“I think I need to see a therapist.”
“I think that's a good idea, Ji.”