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"The kids are having some romance problems." John, battle-hardened veteran and the unnatural charmer of his army days said to his kinda-lover, Adamska, who was grinning at him and sipping on his vodka like the classic stereotypical Russian he was.
"Kids as in Eli and Dave? Or all three?" John just grunted in confirmation of the second one and the blonde man gave him a very funny look, something between amusement and surprise that the father of three liked seeing most of the time but now felt mocked by, "That's gotta be hell for you! How did that even happen?"
John let out a sigh at the thought. It wasn't particularly a long story but it was still the headache that started all this mess, unfortunately, if he wanted Adam's smug help on this... he had to retell the tale.
~
"Bye, Hal." David said, as even and awkward as his waving hand that moved like it had no idea what it was doing and had moved maybe twice since birth. Even though, his face was showing hints of happiness and the faintest blush, which surprised the teen's dad, "See you later."
Dave was having a crush, John knew this was coming. After that weirdly inappropriate puppy love his(arguably) oldest had developed for that Frank kid next door, he knew a real actual infatuation was very close. You know, just like a car crash was when a drunk man decided to druve buthe didn expect it to be with someone like... that kid.
"See you!" Came from the boy over who was waving at his son with enough excitement and nervousness that could blow their house and family up if poked hard enough, slightly blushing too, "Bye bye!"
The boy's eyes were still on David and not the road he was walking, thus causing him to trip over and almost fall face first into the old, red pavement in front of the Sears' two-story tall house. John questioned the world right there, cause how did this boy made it this far in life without a spine or proper skeleton?
As that boy finally walked far enough to be out of view and his boy finally closed the door, the father of three was relieved to know that the teenager was far enough so if he legitimately got ran over after the tenth step gone wrong, none of them would be blamed.
Dave still looked somehow dazed, as he walked to the kitchen. Releasing some bits of the tension gathered in his shoulders, the brunette let himself slip out of the quiet companion persona to the grumpy look he had inherited from John himself... he could see the hearts dancing in the boy's eyes disappear and he let himself loose on the couch.
Their family wasn't a perfect picture, an old military man and his three kids, with Eva flitting as a mother figure from time to time and 'Uncle' Adamska's whole... personally and existence. They weren't what you called a typical bunch and it tended to scare the people that weren't already close to them away.
Every visit from his sons' friends meant them risking the friendship and taking the chance of losing the said friends... to either John's habit of talking in growls or Dave vs. Eli tournament that was basically their every interaction, maybe to Gorge's unhinged tendencies or outrageous lies, it could even be Adam's guns or Eva's nonexistent care for other people's personal space if they were around.
This visit had been the first from Dave in a long time and it had gone almost too welll to be real. The kid, Hal Emmerich (now that was a name he could never forget), was intimidated by John but didn't insult him in any way, didn't even flinch at Eli's jabs to David and just nodded when Gorge told him he's the real president of USA.
~
"Wait, Emmerich! As in Huey Emmerich's kiddie?" The cowboy-boot wearing man seemed surprised at the mention of that name. His man had the right though, it had been a long time after all, since that specific filth was brought up, "How did that asshole manage to raise a good kid?!"
"He fucking didn't, boy looked one step away from apologizing for his existence every time someone looked his way." John grumbled at nothing and everything, massaging his temple, "Only Huey could manage to raise a kid that anxious, he lives with his mother now, from what I heard."
"Thank god." Sitting here, John knew he had been suspicious of the boy at first only cause thinking about the asshole's punchable face every time that lanky kid had talked in that familiar voicdm It had been way too easy and it hadn't really been fair to that little man, "I wouldn't trust a drink with that man, let alone a kid."
"You have every right to do so..." John mumbled, considering drugging his drink with something that would give him a good night sleep, "Apparently he sucked at being a dad."
"Expected. Now, our grumpy all frown Dave got his heart tangled in his kicked puppy best friend's hands, that's not hard to manage." Adamska gave a very cat-like smirk, ready to hear the rest of it like it was one of those weird western movies he loved, "How did the rest of your boys got bewitched?"
~
"Didn't think Hal would hang with someone as dumb as you, brother." Eli's voice came, Eli who had been mostly civil throughout the visit and seemed to be blowing up with botherly insults at the moment, "He's a smart guy afterall, and tasteful I might add."
His blonde kid's voice was low and weird at the last sentence, much like her mother would sometimes. John had a theory, John didn't like his theory at all, John did not want his theory to be true but it seems like he had no choice in this matter.
"What's that supposed to mean?" The brunette sounded calm and grumpy as usual, trying to look like he hadn't taken the bait as he poured himself some chocolate milk, "You don't even know Hal."
Gorge could be heard in the background asking for a glass too, Eli also asked for one and was given a half-filled glass despite the blossoming argument... they were running out of milk, John had to go out and get some for breakfast tomorrow.
"Oh, I know your new friend enough." Sometimes John wondered if Eli had gotten to the womb on time just to bother Dave and realized it meant he would have to live a life later on. Cause there was very little explanation for times like this, "We go to the same after-school club, he has very passionate views on animes that you probably can't even pronounce correctly, brother"
As much as David looked like Kaz when someone as much as talked about John back in the days, Eli looked exactly like Eva as she was trying to get John. The dad of the definitely-not-the-year, maybe the week, had guessed right. These two were a nightmare already and now they were gonna fight over a boy too.
~
"So Eli likes them nerdy, should've guessed..." Adamska's laughter was just as uplifting as usual but if John was being honest, he felt mocked by it. He probably was with how miserable he felt ditting there and nursing drink, "Honestly feels like karma, do you think that's how Moma felt when all of us were dancing around you?"
Maybe he should've asked Kaz for help now that he was thinking about it, Adam was going to laugh to death at the end of this and just throw another bottle of vodka at his problem. Kaz would smack him and the kids in the head then get it sorted out in less than a day.
If only he wasn't somewhere down in Japan visiting his maternal side of family, just John's luck. At least he could get this out of his system with Adamska and know the man won't go too far with it, Eva would probably think all this fiasco was cute and fuel the fire.
"Joy had you all wrapped around her finger," John still remembered the older woman's motherly looks like they were still in front of him, he missed her a lot, all of them did, "I can get those three to wash the diahes sometimes and that's about it."
"You, my dear John, are pathetic." Adamska laughed once again. The msn was finding all this funny to no end, his hand slapped John's back, the other man didn't even flinch, "Tell me the rest, how did George get hanged into all this? He's usually the logical one."
"Well, I've heard love knows no logic." Cause if it did, John wouldn't be with this disastrous and unhinged man in front of him who liked to laugh at his misery yet go a little too far for him when it all came down to it.
~
Eli and Dave had been beefing for the last thirty minutes over who knew Hal better and who would be better for Hal as a ~best friend~. John was ready to grab them both by the neck and throw them in the backyard so they can solve this with fists and he could get paid by the nosy neighbors for the entertainment.
They both were pretending this was over friendship, their egos too big to admit they actually liked the same person after bashing each other's taste in literally everything all their lives. He still remembered the early days where Eli would refuse to drink from a bottle Dave had touched and liked. Even with all the shrieking, he was starting to miss thise days...
Cause back then, he would feed Eli with another bottle and that would be it but he couldn't just get another anxious mess like that kid Hal out of his pocket and finish the twin tournament. John sighed and closed his eye, he could pretend the argument was white noise and nap a little before the two start trying to set the house on fire.
"He was kinda cute if I'm being honest." John's one eye opened back slowly as the twins' heads turned toward their brother like police dogs that just smelled drugs, ready to pounce and drag everyone with them. "Hal... smart reference."
Gorge looked calm, albeit a bit in his own head as usual but he looked completely oblivious at the storm he just unleashed with those simple eight words... the twins did pounce at their brother, figuratively, and John closed his eyes again.
Gorge was a neutral liar and genuis with little regard for what his lies and schemes would ensue most of the time but John knew his son well enough to know he hadn't been lying this time. Well, after fifteen years of getting in trouble for lying, his kid was about to get in trouble for telling the truth... there was a first time for everything, right?
"Don't talk about Hal like that!" "What do you mean? I just called him cute!" "You don't own Emmerich, brother, stop acting like you do." "He's my best friend!" "Not your boyfriend, which means we can try to woo him as we please." "Like fuck you can!!!" "You wanna kiss Hal with that mouth, David? Not so gentleman-ish of you." "He will not be kissing Emmerich even in his wildest dreams, Gorge, I though-"
John was not paid enough for this, John wasn't even paid at all, none if this was worth it and he needed a refund on fatherhood as soon as possible. He could post Eli back to Eva, throw Dave to Kaz and send George to Ocelot... he just needed big enough boxes.
~
"I'm going to be honest, that sounds like them on daily basis..." Adam took a sip of his, as in John's, glass when he realized the man wasn't going to down the rest of it. The guy didn't care, he had to go home in two hours and a hangover tipsydad wasn't a good thing to be, "So I assume it gets worse?"
"You don't even know half of it..." and he didn't, cause the actual disaster and the one that made everything more unbearable hadn't even gone out of John's mouth, "Cause you have never watched Eli trying to be romantic."
~
The next time Hal Emmerich's nervous and clumsy steps came into their house, he was invited over by Eli for an anime (whatever that was) marathon. The other two weren't that pleased at first but then Hal came in from the door and the atmosphere of their house flipped over way too hard for John to have time and get a grip on something to not fall over.
Suddenly David was being way too caring, stealing away Hal from Eli's room every two second with excuses like 'you must be hungry' or 'there's this...' to start dotting over the boy, driving his blonde twin absolutely insane with all the spoiling he was doing to Hal.
Eli shook the table in his own way with starting to try and flirt with Hal, saying sweet words were his brother was doing sweet things and John would admit that his sons would probably win the heart of anyone over with these things but their current object of affection seemed a little bit oblivious.
Then Gorge came in and decided the best way to go for this was showing the genius how he hacked his school records to ruin Eli and Dave's grades once and how he could get him things like that which seemed to be working as the Hal kid had a boner for technology.
Speaking of the kid, John was sure he was going to explode if his son's kept going like this. He was red in the face, was stuttering way too much for it to be neutral and had basically all three of the kids flying around him like they were vultures and he was a big piece of dead meat.
The kid looked like he had never had this much attention on him in his sixteen years on this earth and all this was absolutely overwhelming him. That was something John did feel a little bad about but couldn't currently do anything for, any more care thrown the boy's way and Hal Emmerich would probably short-circuit.
Then Eli brought out a rose, a very red and very fresh rose that was de-thorned and cleaned up nicely, and the boy did short-circuit.
~
"Kid went home as red as that rose and with that rose, a launch box filled with Dave-cooked cinnamon rolls and a book from Gorge." John sighed, sounding as defeated as a man who had three rabid dogs as sons and couldn't do anything about it, "I think they broke him and I don't have any money to give Strangelove for repairs."
Adamska started to laugh like the maniac he was at heart, a laughter so deep and genuine that kinda made John forget his worries and frustration for a second. That was maybe the best thing about his Adam, the man made him forget all the bad things in the world, made him fell like he was just John and nothing but that mattered.
"Sorry... but the image of Eli with a rose trying to be romantic and Dave cooking..." The blonde fucker chuckled again, done with his own vodka but not with John's, taking one sip after snother knowing he wouldn't get that drunk. "Gorge not lying out of his ass for once gotta be a thing to behold."
"It was freaky, that's what it was." John sighed the last sigh out of his body, trying to gather himself for leaving eventually, "They've been at it for two weeks now and with how oblivious the boy is... it's not ending any time soon."
"Just like I said, Karma." Adam nudged his man in the side and chuckled again, he seemed like the only one having fun at the moment, "I would say you're doing pretty good though, want me to come over and help a little?"
"Wanna give them some romance tips?" John smirked, feeling the flirt in the other man's voice and catching on with the speed of sound. He was a little dense in these kind of hints but Adam just a had a way with moving on the father's pace, "Uncle Adamska the heartthrob is gonna give a different kind of shooting lessons this time, huh?"
"You asshole, I'm not that bad!" Adam would jump and playfight with the man if they weren't in a bar, but he had to keep the cat-like urges in check for the moment no matter how eager John also was... they could get back to it tonight and somewhere more private, the kids were heavy sleepers "Got you, didn't I?"
"Yeah... yeah, you did." But they did share a kiss there, just for the sake of it.