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Raffy never says I'm sorry.
He knows the words. Knows what they mean. Knows how to say them. He just never does.
He knows that most people, if they knew, would assume it was because he was spoiled. A brat. A snob. A rich bitch who thinks he is better than everyone.
They would be wrong.
Raffy knows how easily “I'm sorry” can pass people's lips. By the time he was 10 he had long realized they were just empty words.
When he was young, his mother used to apologize a lot.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Little Raf.”
“I'm sorry about Papa, Little Raf.”
“I’m sorry Little Raf. Mama didn't mean it.”
“I'm sorry Little Raf, I won't drink again.”
“I'm sorry Little Raf. You know how stressed I am. You shouldn't get in my way.”
“I'm sorry Little Raf. Don't forget to use enough makeup. Don’t let anyone see the bruises.”
“I'm sorry Little Raf, I need you to meet with the producer for me. It won’t be like last time.”
“I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promise.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I'm sorry I ever had you.”
Raffy remembers when he recognized an apology from his mother as one she had recited in one of her early roles, recycled and repackaged for him. He thought that he should feel upset, but he just felt hollow.
Eventually the apologies stopped. Nothing ever changed.
As he got older, others reinforced what he already knew to be true.
“Sorry about your dad Raffy.”
No they weren't or he wouldn't have overheard them gossiping about it.
“Sorry Raffy, I just wanted to meet that agent.”
No they weren't or in the next breath they wouldn't have asked him to introduce them to a producer, a casting agent, a director, his mother.
“Sorry Raffy, I'm not interested in a relationship right now.”
No they weren't, or they wouldn’t have begun a relationship the following week. They just weren't interested in a relationship with him beyond fucking him.
“Sorry Raffy I needed…”
“Sorry Raffy I wanted…”
“Sorry Raffy I used…”
“Sorry Raffy I chose…”
“Sorry Raffy but…”
“Sorry Raffy…”
“Sorry Raffy”
“Sorry Raffy”
“Sorry.”
“Sorry.”
“Sorry.”
“Not sorry.”
When you hear the same words often enough, following the same pain, they blur together, becoming unrecognizable and meaningless.
Words meant nothing. It was actions that truly mattered.
Rome.
Rome was different.
Raffy never expected Rome. He was supposed to just be a hookup, an impulsive fuck in a public bathroom when Raffy was horny and lonely and available. He never anticipated how Rome would get under his skin. How their stolen moments of desperate kisses and grasping hands and panting breaths would turn into instances of quick smiles, stolen glances and silent understandings. When meeting just to get off anywhere and everywhere became meeting just to hangout and spend time together, getting to know each other.
When Raffy began to let Rome in.
Rome made Raffy think and feel a lot of things. One of which was the impulse and desire for the first time in a long time to apologize.
Raffy hated their fight over that stupid video of Dean and Arnold. From the first time Rome asked him to delete it, he already assumed the worst– that Raffy couldn't wait to share it.
What Rome failed to realize was that if Raffy wanted to ruin Dean and Jack's reconciliation, he could have seized the moment and shared it on the group trip when they announced getting back together.
Raffy didn't care about that.
Raffy had long started to question if he even still cared about Jack like that. He wasn’t sure when it happened but he had noticed that he didn’t get the same sense of delight that he used to when he looked at Jack or more importantly, when Jack looked at him. That he had begun to see everything about Jack differently. Like when he would put his hand on Raffy’s shoulder, a physical touch Raffy had always cherished, he now looked at with suspicion, realizing it was something Jack only ever did when he wanted something from Raffy.
The feelings of excitement, stronger than he had ever felt for anyone, were reserved for someone else.
Someone who looked at him while chlorinated water dripped into their eyes. Someone who would lose themself in describing music and why they chose certain songs for playlists, how they would work the music seamlessly together to create a mood, an atmosphere, invoking emotions in the listener, a crowd’s excitement, anticipating the next beat, his eyes shining with passion. Someone whose arms he had started to long to hold him, as much if not more than he had craved his mouth and tongue making their way over his entire body, tasting every inch. Someone who he could be himself with and not have to hide. Someone who he was scared to put a name to what these feelings were but he knew they were there. Knew that they were real.
It wasn’t about Jack. It had never been Jack.
It had only ever been Rome.
But that stupid video.
Raffy enjoyed having some leverage over Dean for a change but he was also disgusted watching Dean & Arnold acting so innocently with Jack & Tua. As if they were ideal boyfriends, whispering words of love in their respective partner’s ears while their actions proved otherwise. As if they hadn’t been together, in each other’s arms at night deep in the forest. Something he knew they would try to mend with a quick "I'm sorry.”
Raffy had been excited that Rome had started asking him out to places, not just to fuck. Most people only wanted Raffy for his body or his connections or his money. No one had ever tried to get to know Raffy or taken an interest in him as a person beyond “Ranchalee's son” or “Little Raf.”
But Rome's interest seemed genuine. He wasn't phased by Raffy's usual defense mechanisms much. His attitude. His dismissals. His words. Rome saw through him and pushed through. Slowly, without realizing it, Raffy had begun to trust him.
And Raffy didn't trust anyone.
Realizing Rome asked him out solely to steal his phone to delete the video hurt more than Raffy thought possible.
Rome chose to betray Raffy for him.
For Dean.
The Dean who had tormented Raffy for the past 4 years, starting before they even knew Jack. The Dean who went out of his way to kick Raffy when he was down. The Dean who never greeted Raffy with anything but a cruel comment. The Dean who never failed to remind Raffy how worthless he was. How useless he was. How no one liked him. How no one would ever really want him. How he was nothing without his mother and her connections.
Raffy was devastated.
Raffy is an expert at keeping his composure in the face of emotional turmoil. He knows how to avoid making a scene. No child of Rachalee could ever dare to be otherwise.
But after months of the ups and downs of this Whatever he has with Rome. The whatever they could be. The whatever that Raffy was starting to embrace, finding happiness and comfort in. To discover that he was so easily used and his trust disposed of like garbage by the one person he let in?
Something inside Raffy broke.
Confronting Rome at work would horrify Raffy if he had been thinking straight. But he needed to know. Was he that bad a judge of character? Was he always going to trust, desire the wrong man? Was anything real?
When Rome confirmed that he asked him out to delete the video and then in the next moment proceeded to confess his feelings for Raffy, he felt gutted. And confused.
How can he like me?
No one likes me.
I don't even like me!
'But if he likes me, why would he betray me? I know I'm not a good person and I haven't been good to him but I thought we had moved past it. That our relationship or whatever you want to call it was progressing.’
'I know I used him at the start, when we weren’t on the same page, but aren’t we in a better, deeper place now? We spend time together without fucking, we talk. We go out together and have fun. Was it fun? Was I wrong? Was it just me? Was he just interested in getting the cheap fuck he said I was?’
‘Why would he use me like everyone else?
I was beginning to think he was different.’
Raffy told Rome he wasn't for him. Raffy meant it. But not the way Rome took it. Not the way he thought. This relationship wasn’t good enough for Rome.
Raffy was not good enough for Rome.
Rome deserved someone who wouldn't betray him and who he wouldn't betray. Someone who could trust him and be trusted. Someone who wasn't constantly being used and manipulated as a toy in another dysfunctional couple's relationship, keeping his diminishing feelings alive to make one partner jealous. Someone who would love themself enough to love Rome the way he deserved.
Someone who doesn't lash out when hurt. One of the worst traits he learned at the hand of his mother.
“Never let them see you cry. If you’re going to be weak and pathetic enough to let them hurt you, leave someone else bleeding worse Little Raf.”
Raffy immediately regretted the words as soon as he said them.
Raffy had still been drowning in pain and couldn't allow himself to stay there any longer in case he said something more to hurt as he hurt. His feelings of regret warring with his feelings of betrayal.
Raffy knew at this point that reasserting his “feelings” for Jack were mostly habit, a reflex. Being “in love with Jack” feels almost safe, comfortable at this point. A shield to hide behind to avoid examining how he feels about Rome too closely. To put distance between him and Rome.
He doesn’t know when exactly Jack's behaviors began to remind him more and more of his mother. But Raffy knew if he couldn't change her, then he definitely couldn't change Jack, even if he wanted to. And he doesn’t.
What he can change is himself. He can change what he's doing, how he's acting & who he's reacting to. Who and what he's prioritizing.
Who is worth making an effort for.
Raffy knows Rome is worth the effort.
Raffy also knows Rome deserves an apology. Raffy has not treated him very well. They've hurt each other. Maybe one day Raffy would be able to let Rome in and try to explain some of his behavior, why he is the way he is.
First, he needs to figure out how to make amends. How to start to set things right.
Rome has made the first step so many times, put in so much effort. Raffy knows that he needs to bridge that gap this time if he has any hope of salvaging whatever is between them. Sex Buddies who laugh and talk and enjoy each other's company and have feelings? No. Friendship? He knows it’s more than that, but that at least feels like a safe start.
‘I can't say I'm sorry. I won't. But I am sorry so I need to show him. I need to be better, act better. For Rome. For me. For us. And maybe we can have a future.’
Maybe one day Raffy will be able to give Rome an apology that he deserves. If Raffy can find meaning behind the words. After he has shown Rome that he has changed, that he is willing to change, that he wants to be with him.
Maybe one day Raffy will be able to look Rome in the eyes and say “I'm sorry.”