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You spent a big chunk of your childhood moving homes. For you, home was never a place. Instead, it was cranberry hair and eyes. It was soft monotone words. It was a grey scarf. For you, home was a person, and who else could it be but your own mother?
She was a constant throughout your childhood. You may not remember all the times you fought and made up, all the times you yelled at her while she stood there soaking up every word, all of the moments where you sought comfort in her arms, or all of the times that she helped you pick up the pieces of your life when it felt like everything was falling apart – but she sure does.
You can just tell from the way she’s looking at you now.
She’s also looking at you back then.
And, last but not least, she’s looking at the person you will be.
“You still have a few minutes before I need to drive you to the airport. Do you want to stay here for a few minutes?” Your mom says, and her voice is quiet.
You’re both sitting on the front steps of your house. You’re not ten anymore, and your feet don't dangle like they used to. Instead, you have to stretch your legs so it doesn’t cramp up.
In your childhood, your mom always treated you like your own person, giving you options so you can choose what you truly want. Even now, it's apparent – she’s asking if you want to stay, or leave.
But, for the first time, you can tell that she’s asking you to stay.
“Lets stay here for a few moments,” you slowly tilt your body as you speak, and your head ends up resting on your moms shoulder. It’s a bit uncomfortable with your height, and your neck bends at an uncomfortable angle, but it’s a sacrifice you’re willing to make. “I’m not gonna see this view for a while.”
The sun is setting over your little cul-de-sac.
The sky is coated in an orange to purple gradient, and all of the trees are being caressed by soft rays. It feels like the town itself is saying goodbye to you too.
Your cul-de-sac trio is growing up.
You’re all growing in different directions, but you know your caretakers will be staying here. Your mom may visit a few more places, meet a few more people, gain a few more experiences now that she doesn’t have a kid at home to care for, but you know she’s tied here. She’s staying so you have a home to come back to.
You’re not surprised when your mom leans closer to make you more comfortable, and she lightly wraps an arm around you to pull you closer.
“Are you scared?” You couldn’t help but ask. “It’s the first time that we’ll be apart from each other. Really apart.”
The thought makes your stomach churn. It’s a drastic change.
Your mom suddenly hums, before pulling away to look at you. Before you could even take a second to miss her warmth, she softly holds your face with her two hands, before using her thumbs to wipe away the tears you didn’t even notice were forming.
She has matching ones on her own eyes.
“Mom, c’mon!” You laugh a bit, embarrassed at the way she keeps holding your face gently. You put your hands over her own, but you didn’t have the heart to try and pry them away.
“Why would I be scared? I know you’re going to do amazing.” Your mom, who is the woman that you believed could keep her composure in any situation, has a shaky voice as she speaks.
“You don’t know that.” Of course, your own voice shakes too. Only, you can barely keep your words coherent. But your mom understands you anyway – she’s your mom.
“But I do, sweetheart. I’ve known you your entire life.” Her hands go to your knees, which she gives a comforting squeeze to. “I know who you are. I know you’re going to do great. You’ve made such a great life here, and I imagine that you’ll be making an even greater one on your own.”
“But, what if–”
You’re cut off by her embracing you. This doesn’t feel like just a hug, but rather you feel her shielding you. Without noticing, your body curled up against hers, letting her rest her head atop of yours.
It’s like you’re a kid again, going to her room because yours felt too lonely.
“There’s no ‘what-ifs’ when it comes to you. You’re one of the most determined kids I know – I watched you get beat down by life, only to come back with a bright grin. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, I know that I had times that I should’ve been there but I wasn’t, and I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself for that. You’re grown now, and maybe I would say that I’d do anything to take those years back, but…”
She hugs you tighter as an ugly sob comes out of your throat.
“... look at the person you are now.”
She lets out a laugh that you feel against your chest.
“I’m so proud of you. Did you know that?”
“I’m gonna.. miss.. you.” Somehow, you manage to let that out between sniffles.
“I know. You can always come back here. I’m your mother – I’ll always be here for you to come back to.” She kisses the top of your head. “But I won’t let you stay here because you’re scared that you’re not good enough for your dreams. There’s no one else that I can imagine who can do the things you’ve done.”
You pull away, not to escape her embrace, but rather to look her in the eyes.
She lets you.
“Your mama is staying right here. So, you can go. You can go and meet amazing people who’ll teach you so many things, you’ll laugh and cry so many times, and your mama will always be here to listen when you finally come back. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Of course, of course. Your mom always knows what to say.
She’s always been a pillar of your life, and now you’re off to build your own foundations.
But you’ll always come back to mama.