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The Circus was never quite dark, but Pomni was grateful that the lights seemed to dim at night. She walked towards the common area, looking at anything but herself as she made her way there. It was one of those nights where her body felt so viscerally wrong that she couldn’t sleep, and after tossing and turning for what felt like hours, she decided to call it quits and go hang out on the couches instead of spiraling in her room.
As Pomni reached the main area of the Circus, she looked over to the furniture and realized someone else was already there. Getting closer, she recognized Zooble, reclining on a sofa as they paged through a book. Pomni made sure that she was in Zooble’s line of sight so she didn’t sneak up on them - the bells on her jester’s hat were audible enough in the quiet space that she didn’t really need to, but she wanted to signal her approach with something she had a little more control over.
Zooble looked up from their book, mildly surprised but not startled to see Pomni enter the common area. “Hey,” they greeted her.
“Hey,” Pomni echoed dully. She didn’t sit on one of the cushions, instead perching on one of the arms on the sofa that Zooble was currently occupying. Zooble looked at her curiously but didn’t comment on her choice of seating.
There was a brief pause before Zooble spoke up. “You’re out here late,” they observed.
“Yeah,” Pomni sighed, glaring at herself like she could ease the discomfort if she stared hard enough. “I’m… I can’t sleep. This -” she tugged on one of her sleeves with disgust, “stupid f[#@%]ing outfit and this stupid f[#@%]ing body just…” She sighed and slumped over, kicking her legs over the sofa’s arm. “It’s so godd[@%#] uncomfortable. It feels wrong. I hate this.”
Zooble nodded. “That’s… actually why I’m out here, too.” Pomni turned to look at them with wide eyes, aggravation giving way to rapt attention. “My dysphoria is making me want to crawl out of my own skin. I can deal with it most of the time, but sometimes it makes me so hyperaware of my whole f[#@%]ing body that I can’t lie still.”
Pomni nodded rapidly. “It’s - Yeah! Exactly!” She pointed at the book Zooble was holding. “Oh! What’s -”
“This?” Zooble answered, holding the book up towards Pomni so she could see the contents. The pages are covered in drawings; Pomni instantly recognized Gangle’s style. “With so much time here, there’s… Gangle goes through sketchbooks fairly quickly,” they explained, withdrawing the sketchbook to look fondly at the artwork. “She lets me hold on to some of them when she’s done so I have something to look through to pass the time when I’m skipping adventures or… you know.” They motioned at themself and Pomni.
“Do you - do you stay out here often?” Pomni asked.
Zooble looked at her briefly before their eyes shifted back to the sketchbook, looking tired. “Not too often, but… sometimes.” They traced their fingers over one of the drawings, following the swooping lines of the sketch. “It used to be a lot worse. Gangle would stay out here to distract me when I needed her. I can get through it on my own now most of the time, but she knows I still struggle with it.”
Pomni hummed in acknowledgement, tapping her fingers against the side of the sofa. She shifted uncomfortably, still feeling that crawling sensation all over her body.
Zooble looked at her out of the corner of their eyes, picking up on her agitation. “Would it help you to talk about it?” they asked. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, but I know that helps me sometimes.”
“I do - want to,” Pomni gritted out, shoving down the irritation she feels at her situation so she doesn’t misdirect it towards Zooble. She forced herself to take a few deep breaths before starting to talk again. “It’s… it’s so many things, though,” she admitted, weariness weighing down her voice.
“Hey, I’m here to listen,” Zooble reassured her. “I wasn’t planning on sleeping any time soon.”
Pomni nodded jerkily, taking another deep breath. “Well… a lot of it is this body,” she spat out the last word with revulsion. “Like - in the real world - well I wasn’t tall, but I definitely wasn’t this f[#@%]ing short. The texture of my skin is just - weird, but -” She paused to keep from raising her voice, staring at the ceiling as she calmed herself down enough to continue. “So much of it is just that…” Pomni pulled at her jester’s hat, grimacing at the sound of the bells jingling. “The way I dressed - that meant something to me. It was one of the few things I felt like I had control over.” She turned towards where Zooble was listening intently. “Like, I miss dressing butch. I miss actual pants and hats I didn’t look f[#@%]ing stupid in. And this,” she gestured at her hair, “f[#@%]ing sucks. My hair hasn’t been this long since I was a kid. I guess it would look dumber if only the hat was visible, but…” Pomni felt tears stinging the corners of her eyes, looking upwards and blinking rapidly to dispel them. “It feels like part of me got stripped away when I got here, but also like something else was pushed onto me in its place.”
Pomni twined her fingers through one of the locks of hair on the side of her head, toying with it briefly before letting it drop. “It’s like… not enough and too much at the same time, you know?” she said, looking over to Zooble with a melancholic expression.
Zooble huffed a short, bitter laugh. “Yeah, that… pretty much describes all of… this,” they agreed, gesturing at their entire body. “And… I miss it too.” They met Pomni's gaze, eyes reflecting the same sense of bittersweet nostalgia that she felt. “I loved looking butch. It communicated so much about who I was, who I was striving to be. I miss having actual f[#@%]ing hair instead of… antennas, or headpieces - whatever the h[#$$] these are,” they tug at one of the fixtures on their head.
“But…” Zooble turned their head towards the main stage. “I think… being limited in the ways we can express ourselves doesn’t mean we have to give up on our identities.” They looked back towards Pomni. “We do what we can here. It’s the same way things would be for someone in the real world who’s stuck in a repressive environment, like -” they gestured at Pomni’s outfit. “We get a few chances to look the way we want to when Caine gives us the opportunity, but most of it is in our hearts and the way we navigate the world.”
Pomni hummed thoughtfully. “More than anything… I think it’s about the way we l - care about the women in our lives,” she mused. Zooble picked up on the wording but didn’t call her out on it, just nodded in agreement. “It just… doesn’t feel like enough, sometimes.”
“I know,” Zooble acknowledged. “But… I don’t think that our fellow butches in the real world would hold it against us. Not at all.”
“Yeah,” Pomni sighed. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, still sitting on the couch’s arm but allowing herself to relax a little more. “Do you… I know, uh… well, how Ragatha's, um…” She looked down and bit her lip, not wanting to divulge something that wasn't hers to give out freely.
“A trans woman?” Zooble finished the thought for her. Pomni snapped her head up to look at them, giving them a short nod. “Yeah, I know.” They don't elaborate further and Pomni doesn't pry.
“I wouldn't have known,” Pomni said. “I don't think she actually meant to tell me when she did, but…” She looked towards the long hallway leading to the cast’s rooms. “I made sure to let her know that I was happy to be her friend no matter what.”
Pomni turned back Zooble. “I - I'm not trying to gossip or anything, I just bring that up because… she…” Pomni gestured vaguely. “She seems so comfortable in her femininity. Like she's made peace with who she is here.” Pomni looked down at her feet, kicking them idly. “It’s… I don’t know. Like, Ragatha seems so much more used to her body than I am to mine. It’s hard not to feel a bit jealous, sometimes.”
“I can see how it could look that way,” Zooble replied, “but… just because someone seems put-together doesn’t mean they can’t still struggle with dysphoria.” Pomni raised her head as they continued. “I won’t get into all of it, because that’s stuff that’s hers to share, but there have been a lot of times when we’d help each other deal with the discomfort when it got really bad.”
Zooble tilted their head to the side, recalling some of those conversations. When they would vent their frustrations about their mismatched body to someone who understood, who was there to offer comfort when the helpless rage drove them to tears. When Ragatha expressed her dismay about being so flat-chested again after having been on estrogen for so many years before, fighting tooth and nail just to be herself, hating her body in the Circus so much that she couldn’t physically self-soothe because touching it was unbearable.
“Zooble?” Pomni’s voice broke through to where they were lost in thought, bringing them back to the present. They blinked and turned back towards where Pomni was looking at them, gaze tinged with concern.
“Sorry, just - remembering,” Zooble explained. “My point is, though, that you’re not alone. As much as it sucks that we’re going through this, we all have each other.” They gave Pomni a meaningful look. “I’m sure she’d be thrilled to be able to help someone through this s[#!%]. Especially if it’s you.”
“W – E-Especially – Me?!” Pomni sputtered, eyes widening as her face reddened.
Zooble just gave her a pointed, knowing look that made Pomni blush even harder. “Yes,” they said simply.
Pomni looked away, still blushing furiously. “I - yeah…” she acquiesced, smiling despite herself. “She’s… I…” Pomni looked back over at Zooble, trying not to look smitten and only partially succeeding. “I like her a lot… I don’t know if she feels the same way, but…” she averted her gaze to the floor, still smiling. “She’s always really sweet to me.”
Zooble’s eyes crinkled in a smile of their own. “She really is,” they said. They didn’t tell Pomni how many times Ragatha had gushed to them about her feelings for her. That was something the two of them needed to figure out on their own.
“You should talk to her about what you're feeling. Try stuff out, see how different things feel,” Zooble encouraged. “Even if she says no, it’s worth a shot. I don’t mind helping out too, if you want.”
Pomni brightened, meeting Zooble’s eyes with a determined expression. “Yeah! I - that's a good idea!” She gave them a tired but genuine smile. “Thanks, Zooble. Talking -” she paused to yawn deeply - “talking about this helped a lot more than I thought it would.”
Zooble nodded, smiling with their eyes. “I'm glad.”
A comfortable silence lingered between them for a few beats before Pomni yawned again. “I think I'm gonna try and get some sleep,” she stated, stretching languidly. She hopped off of the couch’s arm and paused for a moment to look at Zooble. “This… It was nice talking to you.”
“Anytime,” Zooble replied. “Hope you get some rest.”
Pomni gave them one last smile before turning to walk back to her room. Zooble watched her leave for a moment before returning their attention to the sketchbook in their hands, opening it to the page where they'd left off.